thoughts welcomed- he vanished

[cocorico]

I hate to throw what might be an even worse spanner into the works here, but - it's weird, really, that after 20 years this has just come to an immediate, abrupt and completely wordless halt.

 

At the risk of causing panic - are you sure he's ok?

I mean, health-wise?

is it possible something may have happened?

 

I don't mean to set alarm bells ringing, or create an even worse scenario, but we don't know his age, but it must be 'Middle+'....

 

could there be another reason you have heard nothing?

 

I was wondering the same thing.

[ThatJustHappened]

ThatJustHappend.. I will tell you this. It's a public forum and you can say what you want. You have. You have asked is this really a person I want in my life & told me I need help if that's the case...and said if the answer is "no", then why I am so worried about getting a Dear Jane letter. Maybe it seems that cut & dry to you. It's not to me and I want one.... because I do. I came to the OW/OM forum (this forum we are in right now) for opinions yes, but for support.

 

I think quite possibly, you are in the wrong forum. But, being that it's public you can do as you wish. Also because it's a public forum, I can tell you I see you have posted 700x to people, but only wrote 7 threads of your own. Why were you paniced, crying, emotional, when you wanted to know if a man's abandonment issues would cause him to disappear on you?

 

Did someone tell you "you need help" because you posted about a personal hurt? I am worried about getting a letter, just like you were worried about your situation.

 

Yup..and I got some. I started therapy a few months ago and it's been extremely helpful. I'm doing a whole lot better now, and I blocked my ex from contacting me and am no longer expecting him to come back to me as I was when I first started posting here. Thanks for your concern.

 

I don't know why you're so offended by what I'm saying when I'm just trying to help. I don't think I've said anything particularly cruel or rude. Just because I'm not getting on your bandwagon and telling you that you deserve better doesn't mean I'm wrong or mean.

[ThatJustHappened]

PS. My ex wasn't married or otherwise attached. He was a regular single guy who I was in a normal relationship with. He had nobody telling him he couldn't contact me except his own messed up brain.

[SunshineToday]

I hate to throw what might be an even worse spanner into the works here, but - it's weird, really, that after 20 years this has just come to an immediate, abrupt and completely wordless halt.

 

At the risk of causing panic - are you sure he's ok?

I mean, health-wise?

is it possible something may have happened?

 

 

 

In this case I'm not really feeling that. She (OP) has been monitoring the BWs FB and seeing the BW putting happy couple pictures from New Years, and also she knew the BW was on to them after she found the WH's phone. My opinion is he initiated this NC and he is one of the cheaters who is keeping to it.

The OP has her answer even if she doesn't like it. And I feel SHE thinks it might make her feel better to get that "I'm sorry it's over" call/text/email--and I'm saying she is already 6 weeks out, it's not going to help her at this point, just set her back.

Good luck OP, I hope you can truly move on!

[BrokenPrincess]

My xMM called me as soon as he could after DDay to tell me she found out (an anxious day & a half later). He was extremely freaked out & paranoid that she was recording his phone & told me he was "risking everything" to call me.

 

The next day, we met in person to say goodbye & have closure. He was a sad & paranoid deflated wreck and I just felt shocked & sick to my stomach.

 

But if it makes you feel any better, I pretty much spent the next 2-3weeks agonizing and replaying every single detail of the conversation in my head. In between crying & despair, I then thought of all the things I wished I'd said and asked.

 

I do recognize that my xMM took a huge risk further betraying his W so we could have that moment in person, but trust me, I still have no closure or lessened my emotional tailspin from the A ending so abruptly.

[fooled2manyX]

Thank you all for your posts.

 

He is fine in that he didn't get hit by a bus. Yes, as mentioned above, I saw pics from the holidays that the WS put out there. Now please, those who want to "bash me" in this "support" forum, I know will say "you're not that important", but I know that the pics were a message to me as well. I get it.

 

I do see what some of you are saying. That when the A was going on, his wife was the one "in the dark". So, who cares really if I am now. I do see that perspective myself.

 

But, as other posted in , not so much in support, but in understanding ... we can not help how we feel.

 

In years past, I had "sent him away" so to speak when we were merely friends. Because I knew the time we were spending together, even though it wasn't intimate then, was wrong. This time around, it did become intimate. My mistake was staying in it when he said he was going to divorce, instead of voicing to him "Don't come back & see me UNTIL you ARE divorced."

 

I take my responsibility for that. I don't need to come into a site such as this one to have people write "You are owed nothing. You deserve what you get." And I can see how someone would respond to me "If you have been cheated on yourself and know how it feels, how could you do this to another." I don't have an answer for that. All I know is we let our emotions & feelings for each other override what we shouldn't have.

 

All I was saying is, when someone tells you not to worry, to wait for them, that this is going to happen, that they are in love with you, that they want to spend the rest of their life with you, that they want to make a child with you, that they remember all of your important dates, milestones, that they drove around neighborhoods at one time, before internet was big, to try and find you. etc................. should the response be "Too bad, he's still married." ............. YES. I am in agreement. But my love for him & wanting of all that with him, my emotion over intellect clouded that. What I had was I believed not only what I was being told by him, but what I was feeling for him.

 

And in so many words, he did say "Wait for me. This is going to happen."

 

So again, I see where some of you say I am owed nothing. But in this case, closure and NC and moving on from this place I am in should have presented itself like this:

 

"Move on. I'm sorry, this is NOT going to happen."

 

Not a disappearing act.

 

With that said, I know many of you say "why would you want him". Because you don't fall out of love overnight. Not even in 6 weeks. My heart is going to take time to heal. Because frankly, I can't speed up this process of just get over it because some of you chose to remind me I was an OW I'm not owed a thing.

 

Lastly, I think unless you are an OW/OM which this forum is designed for, if you read the description of it, you should find other forums. Whichever pertains to you. Like being a betrayed boyfriend, or the dating forum, or cooking. Whatever you can relate to. For instance, I don't have kids. So, I don't go to a parenting forum and tell parents how to handle their kids or bash them on how they do.

[fooled2manyX]

or rather, i meant pics his wife put out there. not him. i wrote WS i meant BS.

[bentnotbroken]

Thank you all for your posts.

 

He is fine in that he didn't get hit by a bus. Yes, as mentioned above, I saw pics from the holidays that the WS put out there. Now please, those who want to "bash me" in this "support" forum, I know will say "you're not that important", but I know that the pics were a message to me as well. I get it.

 

I do see what some of you are saying. That when the A was going on, his wife was the one "in the dark". So, who cares really if I am now. I do see that perspective myself.

 

But, as other posted in , not so much in support, but in understanding ... we can not help how we feel.

 

In years past, I had "sent him away" so to speak when we were merely friends. Because I knew the time we were spending together, even though it wasn't intimate then, was wrong. This time around, it did become intimate. My mistake was staying in it when he said he was going to divorce, instead of voicing to him "Don't come back & see me UNTIL you ARE divorced."

 

I take my responsibility for that. I don't need to come into a site such as this one to have people write "You are owed nothing. You deserve what you get." And I can see how someone would respond to me "If you have been cheated on yourself and know how it feels, how could you do this to another." I don't have an answer for that. All I know is we let our emotions & feelings for each other override what we shouldn't have.

 

All I was saying is, when someone tells you not to worry, to wait for them, that this is going to happen, that they are in love with you, that they want to spend the rest of their life with you, that they want to make a child with you, that they remember all of your important dates, milestones, that they drove around neighborhoods at one time, before internet was big, to try and find you. etc................. should the response be "Too bad, he's still married." ............. YES. I am in agreement. But my love for him & wanting of all that with him, my emotion over intellect clouded that. What I had was I believed not only what I was being told by him, but what I was feeling for him.

 

And in so many words, he did say "Wait for me. This is going to happen."

 

So again, I see where some of you say I am owed nothing. But in this case, closure and NC and moving on from this place I am in should have presented itself like this:

 

"Move on. I'm sorry, this is NOT going to happen."

 

Not a disappearing act.

 

With that said, I know many of you say "why would you want him". Because you don't fall out of love overnight. Not even in 6 weeks. My heart is going to take time to heal. Because frankly, I can't speed up this process of just get over it because some of you chose to remind me I was an OW I'm not owed a thing.

 

Lastly, I think unless you are an OW/OM which this forum is designed for, if you read the description of it, you should find other forums. Whichever pertains to you. Like being a betrayed boyfriend, or the dating forum, or cooking. Whatever you can relate to. For instance, I don't have kids. So, I don't go to a parenting forum and tell parents how to handle their kids or bash them on how they do.

 

If you find someone posting against forum guidelines report it...otherwise where you post is your prerogative...the same for everyone else posts. One does not have to be burned to know the damage fire can cause if one is burned. Take what you can use and leave the rest.

[fooled2manyX]

bentnotbroken,

 

I'm sure anyone posting in a forum is o.k. I'm sure as you mentioned, as long as they are within guidelines, all is well. I was just stating my opinion in I (for me) don't go around giving unsolicited advice. Even though these are public forum and the whole idea is to give advice, "for me" I don't just ramble to people about life experiences unless I have been there and gone through it.

 

That's just "for me". .............. in my opinion "for me" over 14,000 is excessive and I would be too invested in other people's drama. Not really living much of a life of my own. "For me", it wouldn't be.

 

"For me" ..... "my opinion"

[bentnotbroken]

bentnotbroken,

 

I'm sure anyone posting in a forum is o.k. I'm sure as you mentioned, as long as they are within guidelines, all is well. I was just stating my opinion in I (for me) don't go around giving unsolicited advice. Even though these are public forum and the whole idea is to give advice, "for me" I don't just ramble to people about life experiences unless I have been there and gone through it.

 

That's just "for me". .............. in my opinion "for me" over 14,000 is excessive and I would be too invested in other people's drama. Not really living much of a life of my own. "For me", it wouldn't be.

 

"For me" ..... "my opinion"

 

 

I have posted that number over a number of years in a number of LS wonderful forums...but hey...it is clear you nor I live our lives in the same way....as per our "labels" her.

[Lillyfree]

bentnotbroken,

 

I'm sure anyone posting in a forum is o.k. I'm sure as you mentioned, as long as they are within guidelines, all is well. I was just stating my opinion in I (for me) don't go around giving unsolicited advice. Even though these are public forum and the whole idea is to give advice, "for me" I don't just ramble to people about life experiences unless I have been there and gone through it.

 

That's just "for me". .............. in my opinion "for me" over 14,000 is excessive and I would be too invested in other people's drama. Not really living much of a life of my own. "For me", it wouldn't be.

 

"For me" ..... "my opinion"

 

 

i found it helpful to get points of view from both sides of the equation. sure, what you will get sometimes (especially from BSs) is not pleasant. they might have not had an exact experience as you, but they have been in an affair regardless.

 

read the comments, choose what you take on, but don't take things to heart too much. in the end we're all here trying to work out what's happened within us in order to go through an affair.

[spice4life]

Thank you all for your posts.

 

He is fine in that he didn't get hit by a bus. Yes, as mentioned above, I saw pics from the holidays that the WS put out there. Now please, those who want to "bash me" in this "support" forum, I know will say "you're not that important", but I know that the pics were a message to me as well. I get it.

 

I do see what some of you are saying. That when the A was going on, his wife was the one "in the dark". So, who cares really if I am now. I do see that perspective myself.

 

But, as other posted in , not so much in support, but in understanding ... we can not help how we feel.

 

In years past, I had "sent him away" so to speak when we were merely friends. Because I knew the time we were spending together, even though it wasn't intimate then, was wrong. This time around, it did become intimate. My mistake was staying in it when he said he was going to divorce, instead of voicing to him "Don't come back & see me UNTIL you ARE divorced."

 

I take my responsibility for that. I don't need to come into a site such as this one to have people write "You are owed nothing. You deserve what you get." And I can see how someone would respond to me "If you have been cheated on yourself and know how it feels, how could you do this to another." I don't have an answer for that. All I know is we let our emotions & feelings for each other override what we shouldn't have.

 

All I was saying is, when someone tells you not to worry, to wait for them, that this is going to happen, that they are in love with you, that they want to spend the rest of their life with you, that they want to make a child with you, that they remember all of your important dates, milestones, that they drove around neighborhoods at one time, before internet was big, to try and find you. etc................. should the response be "Too bad, he's still married." ............. YES. I am in agreement. But my love for him & wanting of all that with him, my emotion over intellect clouded that. What I had was I believed not only what I was being told by him, but what I was feeling for him.

 

And in so many words, he did say "Wait for me. This is going to happen."

 

So again, I see where some of you say I am owed nothing. But in this case, closure and NC and moving on from this place I am in should have presented itself like this:

 

"Move on. I'm sorry, this is NOT going to happen."

 

Not a disappearing act.

 

With that said, I know many of you say "why would you want him". Because you don't fall out of love overnight. Not even in 6 weeks. My heart is going to take time to heal. Because frankly, I can't speed up this process of just get over it because some of you chose to remind me I was an OW I'm not owed a thing.

 

Lastly, I think unless you are an OW/OM which this forum is designed for, if you read the description of it, you should find other forums. Whichever pertains to you. Like being a betrayed boyfriend, or the dating forum, or cooking. Whatever you can relate to. For instance, I don't have kids. So, I don't go to a parenting forum and tell parents how to handle their kids or bash them on how they do.

 

Thank you all for your posts.

 

He is fine in that he didn't get hit by a bus. Yes, as mentioned above, I saw pics from the holidays that the WS put out there. Now please, those who want to "bash me" in this "support" forum, I know will say "you're not that important", but I know that the pics were a message to me as well. I get it.

 

I do see what some of you are saying. That when the A was going on, his wife was the one "in the dark". So, who cares really if I am now. I do see that perspective myself.

 

But, as other posted in , not so much in support, but in understanding ... we can not help how we feel.

 

In years past, I had "sent him away" so to speak when we were merely friends. Because I knew the time we were spending together, even though it wasn't intimate then, was wrong. This time around, it did become intimate. My mistake was staying in it when he said he was going to divorce, instead of voicing to him "Don't come back & see me UNTIL you ARE divorced."

 

I take my responsibility for that. I don't need to come into a site such as this one to have people write "You are owed nothing. You deserve what you get." And I can see how someone would respond to me "If you have been cheated on yourself and know how it feels, how could you do this to another." I don't have an answer for that. All I know is we let our emotions & feelings for each other override what we shouldn't have.

 

All I was saying is, when someone tells you not to worry, to wait for them, that this is going to happen, that they are in love with you, that they want to spend the rest of their life with you, that they want to make a child with you, that they remember all of your important dates, milestones, that they drove around neighborhoods at one time, before internet was big, to try and find you. etc................. should the response be "Too bad, he's still married." ............. YES. I am in agreement. But my love for him & wanting of all that with him, my emotion over intellect clouded that. What I had was I believed not only what I was being told by him, but what I was feeling for him.

 

And in so many words, he did say "Wait for me. This is going to happen."

 

So again, I see where some of you say I am owed nothing. But in this case, closure and NC and moving on from this place I am in should have presented itself like this:

 

"Move on. I'm sorry, this is NOT going to happen."

 

Not a disappearing act.

 

With that said, I know many of you say "why would you want him". Because you don't fall out of love overnight. Not even in 6 weeks. My heart is going to take time to heal. Because frankly, I can't speed up this process of just get over it because some of you chose to remind me I was an OW I'm not owed a thing.

 

Lastly, I think unless you are an OW/OM which this forum is designed for, if you read the description of it, you should find other forums. Whichever pertains to you. Like being a betrayed boyfriend, or the dating forum, or cooking. Whatever you can relate to. For instance, I don't have kids. So, I don't go to a parenting forum and tell parents how to handle their kids or bash them on how they do.

 

I apologize if my last post didn't come off as supportive. I've been away from the forums for a while because I finally moved past the angst of all the affair stuff, thankfully. I checked them out again over the weekend while I was recouperating (sp?) from the holiday hoopla and jumped in to see if I could offer some insights.

 

The truth is, I have pulled the disappearing act myself in the past and then I finally grew up and realized it was a horrible thing to do to someone, no matter what the circumstances were. And heck, the disappearing act was also pulled on me too. The person on the receiving end of an action like that DOES have a right to be angry so your feelings are definitely justified. I don't know if this helps or not, but when I pulled a disappearing act, it was due to something faulty within me and had nothing at all to do with the person I did it to. It was my own disfunctional coping mechanism. That is probably your MM's problem too. He may figure it out one day or he may not - it's hard to know. Understanding that there is nothing you can say or do to make him realize it may help you find closure.

 

On the other hand, I also know that this type of stuff (meaning disappearing acts, emotional roller coasters etc.) happens in affairs, but I was hesitant to say that in my posts because I didn't want to give you false hope that he may contact you again. To be honest, there could be many things going on here and since he is not communicating it is hard to know. We all can speculate all we want; only he knows what the deal is and he ain't telling! The only control you have is over you and how you choose to proceed from here. You have choices and that is a good thing!

 

But the reality is, like another poster pointed out, it doesn't matter either way if he communicated or not, the pain will be deep regardless. I sincerely hope you find peace sooner rather than later.

[spice4life]

Sorry for the double quote, it was an accident. Too compliated to erase so I am just going to leave it as is. I wish you my best.

[stevie_23]

Something I’d never thought about before…someone said the guy’s wife had been in the dark all this time and now the other woman is so…no difference in terms of the guy’s opinion. Wow.

 

I have been feeling shocked and appalled and frankly, disgusted, that my ex didn’t even have the decency to tell me that he was leaving me and moving on after almost 2 years together. His wife found out again, he has a new job, etc. It’s all too much for him to be with me now apparently.

 

But I just kind of realised, thanks to this thread, that he lied to her almost constantly for almost 2 years and kept her in the dark…didn’t even feel guilty about it. And now…what am I? Just some memory. Now I’m in the dark, and he’d put me there forever if I let myself stay (which I won’t).

 

I see that when he told me he didn’t feel guilty about betraying and lying to his wife all that time, and I felt ok about that (though slightly nervous at the same time), that really, he was saying…he does what HE wants. When he loved me and it was easy enough to be with me without huge disturbances to his life, I was the most important thing to him. And now? I’m nothing to him. Selfish, selfish, selfish. It’s always been only about him. How I made HIM feel. I see that now.

[spice4life]

I just wanted to say one more thing fooled2many. LS can be a tough place sometimes and you will get responses that are tough to take (and how...yikes!), but that is the beauty of this place. You get prespectives from all sides and that s not really a bad thing. Tough? Yes! But not bad. I have experienced some big epiphanies through posting here. That is for certain!!! I'm in a good place with it all now, so there is a big shining light at the end of the tunnel. Take what you find helpful and leave the rest like bentnotbroken said.

 

Whew, this place is definitely intense! Again, I hope your journey takes you to where you want to be.