Can I trust my wife, or should I always be suspiscous?

[bytor]

I have been happily married for 17 years. My wife has met some new female friends who are young and still enjoy the parting/flirting scene. I trusted her and our relationship whenever I left her go out with her friends and have a good time. I have to admit there was jealousy on my part because I wished I had friends to escape the daily work,kids,home life for awhile. I turned on her phone one morning before work and a text message came thru to her that said "dont knwo, i will be busy for the next 2 weeks". O fcourse my mind started to spin and I thought, here we go, shes cheating on me.

 

However I gave her the benifit of the doubt and abserved how she tried her hardest to blame the text message on her drunk friend (who cooberated her story) giving this guy my wifes # so she could get rid of him because he was bothering my wifes friend. Ultimatly i bought the story and waited until the phone bill came. Suprise suprise there were 2 weeks worth of text messaegs between my wife and this guy. I confronted her and she broke down and said she didnt know why she did it and stopped whenever i originally discovered the text message.

 

I have faith in her that this all stopped and I know some of my actions with the jealosy might have driven her to carry on this conversation. We both agreed that it was wrong and she would stop. I dont want to take her freedom away by not letting her go out with friends, but then again I dont want her to be influenced by younger, less responsible girls who would not keep her best interest in mind. I wrote her friends and told them exactly the same thing about wanting them to think before putting her in that position. Should I check out her every move when shes out, check her phone when she comes back and question everything she tells me?, or just let her go and hope it does;nt happen again?

 

I love her so much, but I have zero tolerance for flirting/cheating. Its all or none.

[whichwayisup]

Flirting is flirting...Don't tell me that you don't check out any girls in skirts and feel good when they give you a second look. It's human nature. We all want to still feel attractive, wanted and desired. Maybe she has insecurity issues? I don't know. I don't mean to sound harsh here.

 

WWIU

[bytor]

your right flirting is flirting, until you let it get to the point that you know you are going to hurt the person you are married to and choose to do it anyway. We both understood how much each other would tolerate and she ignored how I would feel. Im over all that.

 

I just want to know if I should still be checking her every move, trusting her friends, and at the same time feeling good about letting her party and have fun. I think she does have insecurities and I know I do as well.

I just dont want to make it worse by being a jealous, spying husband.

[EnigmaXOXO]

So sorry for the recent turn of events, Bytor. Anyone who has been in a long-term relationship where the dynamics suddenly change is entitled to feel a little apprehension. What you are feeling is very typical and I imagine anyone in your situation would be feeling the same way.

 

People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. Plain and simple. Your wife's dishonesty regarding her phone conversations with this other man is certainly enough to raise some red flags. If it were so "innocent" she would not have felt the need to lye about it or apologize for it. However, I wouldn't blame her new friends or hold them responsible for your wife's adult decisions. She picked the friends, and only "she" is responsible for how much she allows other people's behavior to influence her.

 

Yes, she probably enjoyed the attention this man was giving her. Which means she may "feel" as if she isn't getting enough affirmation from her role as wife and mother at home. This is NOT to say that it has anything to do with what you are doing or not doing, but rather some need within her she is trying to fill. Choosing younger friends and revisiting those youthful "party" days has all the signs of a major mid-life to me. I wouldn't yell "fire" yet…but there's certainly smoke.

 

GET HER TALKING, Bytor…and quickly! I wouldn't scold, accuse or demand that she no longer seek some recreational time for herself outside of your home. Rather, find out what it is she feels is missing in her life that these new friends and social settings are providing…and how you might be able to bring these things back into your own marriage and share them together.

 

It is SO important that you and your wife re-focus on your primary relationship and make that your priority. I know its tough when the kids, bills and responsibilities take up so much of your time and become the priority, but if we become too complacent and put our partner's needs on the back-burner, the kids, bills and responsibilities are the ONLY threads by which a marriage precariously hangs. Once the emotional intimacy (the friendship) is lost between a woman and her mate…she's already as good as gone.

 

As a female, I can tell you with absolute certainty, that women begin to detach emotionally from their partners and begin to experiment with (even push for) independence outside of the relationship the long before they head out the door. And once they've completely disconnected, it'll take nothing short of a miracle to make a woman change her mind.

 

If you're already seeing signs of this happening, NOW is the time to start doing whatever it takes to rescue and salvage your relationship. The best place to start is by TALKING…and more importantly…by LISTENING.

 

By God, man...Good Luck!

[bytor]

thanks so much enigma!, you've confirmed some of the things I felt were the causes of her actions.

I work at home and have been blessed to be able to spend time with my kids here. I think alot of the times when I was patting myself on the back for being a stay at home dad and accepting the fact that she was at the gym, work or out with friends did nothing more than alienate her and make her feel unimportant.

 

I realized this when it all blew up and the tears were flowing.She has never really opened up to me emotionally in 17 years and up till now I've accepted it. But I need that feedback, that interaction other than "I love you's" and "how was your day". I cant force her to open up to me, she just retreats even more. I'm torn between not knowing if i am REALLY doing all I can for her emotionally and whether she actually still needs to connect with me emotionally anymore. She is the only one who can answer that it seems.

 

Thanks for turning the light on about her friends as well, you're right, she is an adult and can make her own decisions on how far they can influence her, good or bad. I will work to communicate with her, I want nothing more than that to happen, but I feel like I am trying to make her say things and express feelings that she no longer has. With that being said, can helping her make her life more exciting and fresh outside of our marraige have a positive affect on our lives at home?, or will it eventually lead her furthur away from me and that emotional bond I am so eager to have with her?.

[EnigmaXOXO]

With that being said, can helping her make her life more exciting and fresh outside of our marraige have a positive affect on our lives at home?, or will it eventually lead her furthur away from me and that emotional bond I am so eager to have with her?.

 

You're in a "partnership." And any relationship between two married people should be conducted as members of a "team" or "united front." I never saw a healthy relationship yet where two people compartmentalized their lives into separate areas where the other partner was not permitted to enter. It creates a division…a "kink" in the armor, so to speak. You cannot create a secret room in your life where your primary partner is locked out and expect your emotional intimacy to survive. As a matter of fact, it has the opposite effect.

 

This is not to say, however, that we shouldn't encourage our partners to grow as individuals and support their dreams and aspirations. But if that "change" is not for the betterment of the relationship as a whole then it will usually be to its detriment.

 

It's not so much about making "her" life more exciting and fresh. YOU need to be included as part of that equation, too. If you don't grow together…you will eventually grow apart.

 

So, when's the last time you left the kids with a relative and got away for a weekend---just the two of you? Have you, like many other long-married couples, forgotten how to even "date?"

 

When's the last time the two of you had any fun? (TOGETHER, that is!)

[DazednConfused]

I am having flashbacks of some of my wife's behavior..... she was having an affair and pretended that there was nothing going on.... etc.

 

Watch for mood swings, behavior changes, unexplained and unverifiable absences (even a half hour at a time). I cannot and will not say she is being unfaithful to you, but I will recommend to you to be on your toes. But by her breakdown, it is certain that she at least considered it. That means there is something fundamentally wrong in your household. Perhaps you have become too comfortable? Often us men don't realize there is a problem until the wife is long pulled away from us; way away. We wake up and say "What the Hell?"

 

If you can, try to breathe some life back into your relationship before it is too late, have frank and open conversations, spend time together. Forget the whole "She does the cleaning and I handle the yard" stuff, do it all together if you can. try to recall how you were when you were dating; she fell in love with that guy, bring as much of him back as you can.

 

Go out and get her back, and never let her forget for a second that she means everything to you.

[EnigmaXOXO]

PS...

 

Moimeme submitted this wonderful link many months ago and it has been referred to again and again as a valuable source of information regarding salvaging relationships and marriages.

 

There is lot's of material there that you may find helpful regarding your current situation.

 

Sure hope you find something helpful!

 

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/index.html

[bytor]

thanks for the link enigma, i will definitly check it out. and you are right in everything you said about our marraige being a partnership, I am going to let her read this forum in hopes that she will see where I'm coming from and understand. thanks to you also dazed for also reminding me that I have to constantly try to make our marraige fresh and to be that guy that she fell in love with. I know it was a wake up call for me, but I still have that feeling that she wont ever open up to me 100% and tell me those words that I need to hear as well.

 

Its a two way street and I need to make her realize this before something happens again. Only she can tell me the things I need to hear, that is, if she feels the same in her heart. I cant make her feel something she can't.

I see the change already in how she wants to spend time with me and the boys and its great for all of us.

But at the same time, I cant tell if shes going thru the motions or is really emotionally still here with us.

Time will tell and I thank you all for responding to me. This was the best use of a computer I have ever had.

I dont have any really close personal friends, and appreciate your feedback more than you will ever know.

Take care and God bless.