OM - Looking for perspective

[Leader4u]

Let me start by saying I have been on this site for a short time and appreciate much of what is said here. I have learned many things and appreciate all (well, most) of the perspectives presented. That being said, I will try to keep this brief. Any and all feedback is greatly appreciated.

 

I am 50, single, and have never been married. I may have commitment issues but I also knew that I would never settle. Most recently, I had been dating someone for approximately 9 years. We had always treated each other incredibly well and respectfully. Unfortunately, the last 3 or 4 years of that relationship were nearly sexless. We had discussed things but being BF/GF had never gotten counseling and the problem never seemed to get resolved. We took things out on each other in various (non-physical) ways over that time but basically we were two good people trying to make things work for far too long.

 

About 3 months ago (October 16, 2012 to be exact) I met a 44 year old woman at work who wore no ring, had only pictures of her kids posted in her office, and never spoke about her husband. I initially thought she was single and over the course of several weeks I tried to get to know her better. She was funny, smart and beautiful. She was honest with me and told me that she was in a loveless, sexless marriage and wanted out at some point before she got too old to find something else meaningful. She has 3 kids, 8 (M), 11 (M), and 13 (F). She had stayed in her marriage of 15 years for the sake of the kids. Her husband was simply a friend at this point. He had been unemployed for nearly 4 years and did nothing around the house. She was waiting for him to get a job so he could support himself and have health insurance and then she was going to ask for a divorce. They have no real assets and is even willing to let him keep the house (which is upside down anyway) just to be done with things. She had had several 'friends with benefits' in the past but (over time) has told me that what she and I have is far more than that. She also knows that she one day wants to be married (again) to someone who would love her, treat her better, and be a better partner.

 

Before anything progressed further with this MW I knew I had to end things with my GF. She was an incredible person with an incredible family and she did not deserve to be cheated on. Two weeks after meeting this MW I did end things with my now xGF. I did not tell her that I had met someone else. Just that things between us needed to end. When she agreed that things were not good and she had many of the same thoughts as I did (that there were issues and that things probably should have ended several years ago) I thought I had done the right thing. Three months later I remain convinced (for the most part) that breaking things off was the right thing to do.

 

After that, things with this MW quickly progressed. I will be honest, Over the last three months I have pursued this woman quite heavily. We have gone for drinks, dinner, etc. I bought her flowers for her desk (placing them there late at night so no one would know who they were from), gave her cards and cooked her dinner. I even told her she was the woman I had been looking for for 50 years (and at least part of me still thinks she is). I fell for her very, very quickly. She was leery that I would go back to my girlfriend but has come to realize that is not going to happen. We quickly became involved physically and emotionally and now tell each other daily we love each other. We have sex several times a week and she has gone so far as to spend the night at my home just recently (after telling her husband she was staying somewhere else). I have bought her a beautiful promise ring (which she now wears everyday... she tells everyone it is her grandmother's ring and says her husband never even asked about it) and we are planning to go to NYC together for 3 days over Valentine's day weekend (I assume she is telling everyone she is going with her girlfriends). We have even told each other that we can see being married to one another in the future. She has told me that she has never met anyone who is as charming or has treated her so well. She has told me that I need to be patient and to give things 6 months. 6 months would be April 16, 2013.

 

Her husband got a full time job just before Christmas. She wants to know that her husband's job is secure before telling him she wants out. She has also stated that her wanting out has nothing to do with me. She has been planning to get out for a very long time. As she told me, I have either the world's worst, or world's best timing.

 

I am now wondering what to do. Is this an 'Exit Affair' as some people say here? Should I wait things out and see if she actually leaves over the next 3 months? Should I end things now (I don't want to disappoint her by cancelling our NYC trip)? I have never been involved with a MW before. Never been the OM before. And I am now feeling guilty as all hell about all of this. I have told 3 friends the truth and they don't want to see me hurt. I suspect they have lost a level of respect for me as well. I am also aware of the possible professional ramifications this could have given that we work together. I am wondering if this is simply my 'rebound' after dating someone for 9 years. I know this MW is lieing at times to make this work but much of the time she is seeing me after she drops the kids off at soccer, or after work for an hour, or when she simply has free time and the kids are at home with their dad or in bed already. I feel guilty that she has not yet told her husband the truth (though the holidays just passed and she says she wants to know he has been at his new job a bit longer). I am not a bad person, just a person who let my emotions and sex drive (I'll admit it) get the better of me. Yes I should have never pursued her. It was morally wrong and I am paying the emotional price for that now. I am starting to wonder if maybe I should have even tried to work things out with my xGF. And yes, I am starting to see that this MW may not be so perfect after all... she has come by after drinking on several occasions and appears to be doing the 'future projection' thing that others on here talk about (she has already discussed painting the bedrooms new colors for each child, wants to turn my living room into an office, wants to come over to do landscaping in the spring, and says she'll be spending weekends here after she gets her own place).

 

I am very confused and feel as if I have put myself in a no win situation. I know I have done this to myself. I hate not seeing her on a regular basis and hate not being able to have her meet my family and friends or do the same with her friends and family. I don't see that changing for quite some time even if she files for a divorce and gets her own place as she claims she will. When we are together things are great. We are very open and honest with one another and have a great time together. She has shared details of her life with me that she says she has told almost no one else about. She says I make her feel safe and loved. Being single I want things to progress normally and now I realize they simply can't. I'm not even sure if she is the person I thought she was (I am afraid she may have a drinking problem or may be drinking to cope with things). I honestly can't tell if she is being honest about wanting a divorce or if she is just trying to convince herself so she can have her cake and eat it to (as other here have put it). I am driving myself crazy and honestly do not know what to do. I can't even talk about the situation to any of my friends anymore for fear I will ruin my own friendships over it. I am not a bad person and I have always tried to treat the women in my life as good as possible. I am very generous and caring. I am also normally a very forthright and honest person so hiding this from my family and others (I have told them I have met someone wonderful but I don't go into details) is tearing me up inside. I have discussed this with this MW once and she does seem to understand. But, I am afraid that I simply can't do this for much longer. It is not in my nature. Again, any advice would be appreciated. I am very, very confused.

Edited January 6, 2013 by Leader4u