Shunned

[strawberry]

When I went home for the holidays I meet a guy and we really hit it off. The problem is he lives 1200 miles away.

 

When I got back home we dated online. We talked several times a day. It was great! There was never a dull moment.

 

After a month and a half he came to visit for 2 days. That too was great! We got along perfectly and everything seemed so intimate between us.

 

When he left everything changed. He became distant, barely talked to me anymore. When he wrote it was only a two liner. He said it was because he was stressed about a job situation. I believed him, but stress or not it just wasn't the same.

 

Well one week before I was planning to visit him we got in a pretty huge fight. When I went up to visit him he ignored me the whole time. I never saw him!

 

I got back here and his friend told me that he said he felt uncomfortable around me because of the fight, but I don't see how you could feel that uncomfortable about a fight.....

 

I don't understand because he won't talk to me I've tried and tried. He won't respond to anything I write, yet he'll send me these little cute slideshows of cats with subjects saying "to brighten your day" ?????

 

He's really confusing me. Why does he send me emails like that, but he won't respond to anything I write him.

 

Why?

 

For the record I have given up, but I still would like some reasoning.

[Tony T]

In a book published in 1976, "Looking Out For Number One," Robert Ringer wrote: "Ignore all the crazy acts of normal people and all the acts of crazy people." I have always lived by that and it works.

 

I urge you not only to ignore but also not to try to figure out the reasons why he is sending this email...most likely it is out of guilt...but you need to ignore him as well. Stop sending him email. People who ignore mail or calls are rude as hell and you need to have nothing to do with them.

 

It sounds like you have pretty well written him off, which is a great idea. You don't need to be wasting valueable time trying to figure out why crazy people act the way they do.

[Rachel]

In other circumstances it is pretty usual for men to back off after first falling for a woman especially in the beginning. It also happens periodically throughout the relationship. Then they come back even better and more close to you. Read the John Gray chapter sometime about men being like rubber bands.

 

BUT:

 

** This man is a game player.**

 

** He is incapable of intimacy ** there are many indications here.

 

He must have had a sad and sorry childhood. Poor thing.

 

**Game playing is extremely damaging**

 

Ignoring you who made an effort to visit him who lives miles away is (in my opinion) WORSE and MORE DYSFUNCTIONAL than having a disagreement. Conflict is normal relationship behaviour.

 

** Oh dear I feel he has a 'personality disorder' if so the prognosis is poor.**

 

** The stress of work** - is an inadequate excuse after you have gone to so much effort to visit him ** I think this is completely unreasonable.

 

** Quite a few men are conflict avoiders and cannot handle any upsets in a relationship** -

 

eg. this is how my partner was initially - he has pretty much stayed the same - a mild improvement is all I can say.

 

That mans family of origin may have avoided conflict and/or there may have been loads of conflict and he simply cannot cope. I think there are issues with his mum also.

 

Relationships where there are no conflicts are 'artificial' and 'dull'. There is no growth or change.

 

Conflict is good when done in a way that is assertive and non - blaming etc. There are many mature ways of handling conflict.

 

But & "often emotions are heated during these times and it is common that ones skills of conflict management fly out of the window -- words just pour out.

 

**Unwell signs are as follows and I have covered some here, I think there is more".

The sending of the email, yet not responding to yours. The content of his email eg."brighten your day" is sooooo obviously a projection (not to mention cruel) in this case he is the one that needs to address the lack of brightness in his day. The ignoring. Him communicating through a friend -- (childish behaviour). The excuse for ignoring you is pitiful and unacceptable.

My advice is:-

 

1. Keep up with your NOT contacting him -- you are a sensible lady.

 

Ooops - on another tangent here, but did you know that many men prefer to do the chasing? (sorry as this is beside the point).

 

2. Don't put out negative stuff about him as it will come back.

 

3. Allow yourself to feel angry or what ever you want but, take it out on a pillow or some other way. If you must think about him - just think ok/bland thoughts -- then let it go.

 

You've done all this it anyway - I am reinforcing your brilliant attitude.

 

3. Watch out if another man comes along if you HAVEN'T dealt with this issue/you will likely attract the same sort of man.

 

4. Put out what you want back. Like do unto others.

 

5. Ask for guidance - in whatever way you want - I pray at times - I also ask 'the universe or higher power' to give me signs as to what to do. **This is so cool - it is amazing what happens when you do this**

 

6. Get some assertive techniques. Read or whatever.

 

That is all I can think of right now. My brain has ceased up for a bit.

 

How old are you? This will help me loads.

 

***This is the best bit - you will have something positive now - after his treatment. But only if you don't do awful stuff. Or think stuff and let it go. You watch what happens. Please let me know what it is when the positive stuff comes your way. How exciting.***

 

One last opinion is that I personally, would not become intimate with someone quickly - this is not a good sign - intimacy takes time.

 

All the best

 

Take Care of You!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Rachel

[strawberry]

All of what you said really hits home. I'm 23 yo and that is the sort of man I attract constantly. I'm attracted to the mysterious guy's who have had rarely any girlfriends in their life.

 

My last boyfreind did the same thing to me as this past guy. He didn't play games with me though he broke it off with no real reason. It didn't make sense either though becausu he took my home for X-mas then when things started to heat up between us dumped me like I was nothing. This expeirience has positively changed me because I've learned that communication is the key to a relationship.

 

Out of my surprise got a phone call from him last Saturday (10 months later). He told me he missed me, but I know better than to get myself back into that situation.

 

I wish that I didn't attract this sort, but I usually don't realize it untill it's to late.

 

On a positive note, events like this used to really bring me down and damage my self esteem. Only because it's been happening frequently and I was starting to think it was me that didn't measure up.

 

It's getting easier to handle the older I get. On the positive side I've learned a tremendous amount about relationships because of it.

 

I have stoped emailing this current guy. I was really upset about it one night and asked god what I should do about the situation. I got a gut feeling that I should email him a letter asking him why he's doing what he's doing. It was a positive, honest letter. I basically asked why he was emailing me attachments, but not writing me back. I also told him how I feel about everything. I told my self that if he doesn't respond to this letter then he is incapable of compassion, therefore, I'm going to let go. It doesn't really bother me anymore becuase I realize there's nothing more I can do. What's also helped me is I realize he's a cold cold person because personally I would never be so mean to anybody.

 

Anyways thanks alot for your advice. It makes me feel a whole lot better about the whole situation.

 

.

 

In other circumstances it is pretty usual for men to back off after first falling for a woman especially in the beginning. It also happens periodically throughout the relationship. Then they come back even better and more close to you. Read the John Gray chapter sometime about men being like rubber bands. BUT: ** This man is a game player.** ** He is incapable of intimacy ** there are many indications here. He must have had a sad and sorry childhood. Poor thing. **Game playing is extremely damaging** Ignoring you who made an effort to visit him who lives miles away is (in my opinion) WORSE and MORE DYSFUNCTIONAL than having a disagreement. Conflict is normal relationship behaviour. ** Oh dear I feel he has a ‘personality disorder’ if so the prognosis is poor.**

 

** The stress of work** - is an inadequate excuse after you have gone to so much effort to visit him ** I think this is completely unreasonable.

 

** Quite a few men are conflict avoiders and cannot handle any upsets in a relationship** - eg. this is how my partner was initially - he has pretty much stayed the same - a mild improvement is all I can say. That mans family of origin may have avoided conflict and/or there may have been loads of conflict and he simply cannot cope. I think there are issues with his mum also. Relationships where there are no conflicts are 'artificial' and 'dull'. There is no growth or change. Conflict is good when done in a way that is assertive and non - blaming etc. There are many mature ways of handling conflict. But … “often emotions are heated during these times and it is common that ones skills of conflict management fly out of the window – words just pour out. **Unwell signs are as follows and I have covered some here, I think there is more".

 

My advice is:- 1. Keep up with your NOT contacting him – you are a sensible lady. Ooops - on another tangent here, but did you know that many men prefer to do the chasing? (sorry as this is beside the point). 2. Don't put out negative stuff about him as it will come back. 3. Allow yourself to feel angry or what ever you want but, take it out on a pillow or some other way. If you must think about him - just think ok/bland thoughts – then let it go.

 

You’ve done all this it anyway - I am reinforcing your brilliant attitude. 3. Watch out if another man comes along if you HAVEN'T dealt with this issue/you will likely attract the same sort of man. 4. Put out what you want back. Like do unto others. 5. Ask for guidance - in whatever way you want - I pray at times - I also ask 'the universe or higher power' to give me signs as to what to do. **This is so cool - it is amazing what happens when you do this** 6. Get some assertive techniques. Read or whatever. That is all I can think of right now. My brain has ceased up for a bit. How old are you? This will help me loads.

 

***This is the best bit - you will have something positive now - after his treatment. But only if you don't do awful stuff. Or think stuff and let it go. You watch what happens. Please let me know what it is when the positive stuff comes your way. How exciting.*** One last opinion is that I personally, would not become intimate with someone quickly - this is not a good sign - intimacy takes time. All the best Take Care of You!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Rachel

[Rachel the 2nd (formerly Rachel)]

If so I am flattered and thank you - I think all contributions are helpful in 'different' ways.

 

You are so lucky - as ....you are now INSIGHTFUL and that is OFTEN all person needs to change old patterns. That is the truth.

 

Insight regularly just works on its own and I could go into a psych explanation - but will not as you don't need it as your attitude/insight/maturity indicates a successful resolution to your dilemma.

 

Wait and see...

 

Otherwise I guarantee that your new insight will change "the type of man you attract" by recurring less often until it has vanished all together.

 

Being 23 is even more in your favour - (Im jealous cos I'm older and got my INSIGHT later). You have a lot of knowledge and so young... One day you will meet the man who will be 'ideal'. Not perfect - nobody is - just ideal.

 

Your remark "he took my home for X-mas then when things started to heat up ..." - is this arguments or getting more involved?....... This is important.

 

I have a problem understanding some American phrases.

 

SOME WORDS OF ADVICE -

 

Don't give too much too soon..eg try not to be too generous at first (it is wise at any stage really) as the more you give the more people (in general) will treat you like a door mat. This is usual human behaviour.

 

Your comment "I wish that I didn't attract this sort, but I...." can be addressed in a couple of ways.

 

1. Read up on warning signs of people like this. By now you would know behaviours to look for.

 

2. Wish that wish - it works.

 

Your comment... "events like this used to really bring me down and damage my self esteem....happening frequently etc"... and it's getting easier to handle the older I get.... is perfect.

 

Unfortunately we need negative experiences to learn. They are essential - trust me - life would be dull indeed with no down periods. Theres quite a lot of stuff around on this subject.

 

Comment "me that didn't measure up"... Get rid of this thought for good - and be exactly as you are - don't try and measure up to anyone - big mistake.

 

Your praying is great - I do this - I ask God (I am not religious - I just like the idea of God) and "the universe or whatever for guidance and it rarely fails...

 

Whatever you think will happen - will actually happen.

 

Thoughts are just that - a perception - so its possible to alter your thought patterns.

 

I must mention modesty - this is an excellent trait.

 

Think about why you attracted a cold person. Are you a warm person?

 

Lastly, in relationships it is soooooooo usual for stuff like ummmm an example is "verbalising angry thoughts"... if you stop this ... it is likely the other person will take on the behaviour. People attract others who complement/mirror them. Partners act out what the other partner cannot...

 

Too much info...

 

I am depleted....

 

Keep going with your positive attitude. Not 100% - noone is that perfect unless they are in denial.

 

Allow yourself negative times/feelings with the positive... cos if you don't it persists. All that is necessary is acknowlegement... act it out or whatever you want to do... I need to rephrase that.. cos it doesnt sound healthy. Ha!

 

Like feeling angry and wanting to throttle a boyfriend... I don't mean act it out in real life but other ways.

 

I try to let myself think negative stuff then let them go and it gets easier to do.

 

If I acknowledge - often thats all I need and it vanishes.

 

I am all typed out.

 

Take Care

 

Rachel (the 2nd)

All of what you said really hits home. I'm 23 yo and that is the sort of man I attract constantly. I'm attracted to the mysterious guy's who have had rarely any girlfriends in their life. My last boyfreind did the same thing to me as this past guy. He didn't play games with me though he broke it off with no real reason. It didn't make sense either though becausu he took my home for X-mas then when things started to heat up between us dumped me like I was nothing. This expeirience has positively changed me because I've learned that communication is the key to a relationship. Out of my surprise got a phone call from him last Saturday (10 months later). He told me he missed me, but I know better than to get myself back into that situation. I wish that I didn't attract this sort, but I usually don't realize it untill it's to late.

 

On a positive note, events like this used to really bring me down and damage my self esteem. Only because it's been happening frequently and I was starting to think it was me that didn't measure up. It's getting easier to handle the older I get. On the positive side I've learned a tremendous amount about relationships because of it. I have stoped emailing this current guy. I was really upset about it one night and asked god what I should do about the situation. I got a gut feeling that I should email him a letter asking him why he's doing what he's doing. It was a positive, honest letter. I basically asked why he was emailing me attachments, but not writing me back. I also told him how I feel about everything. I told my self that if he doesn't respond to this letter then he is incapable of compassion, therefore, I'm going to let go. It doesn't really bother me anymore becuase I realize there's nothing more I can do. What's also helped me is I realize he's a cold cold person because personally I would never be so mean to anybody. Anyways thanks alot for your advice. It makes me feel a whole lot better about the whole situation.

 

All of what you said really hits home. I'm 23 yo and that is the sort of man I attract constantly. I'm attracted to the mysterious guy's who have had rarely any girlfriends in their life. My last boyfreind did the same thing to me as this past guy. He didn't play games with me though he broke it off with no real reason. It didn't make sense either though becausu he took my home for X-mas then when things started to heat up between us dumped me like I was nothing. This expeirience has positively changed me because I've learned that communication is the key to a relationship. Out of my surprise got a phone call from him last Saturday (10 months later). He told me he missed me, but I know better than to get myself back into that situation. I wish that I didn't attract this sort, but I usually don't realize it untill it's to late.

 

On a positive note, events like this used to really bring me down and damage my self esteem. Only because it's been happening frequently and I was starting to think it was me that didn't measure up. It's getting easier to handle the older I get. On the positive side I've learned a tremendous amount about relationships because of it. I have stoped emailing this current guy. I was really upset about it one night and asked god what I should do about the situation. I got a gut feeling that I should email him a letter asking him why he's doing what he's doing. It was a positive, honest letter. I basically asked why he was emailing me attachments, but not writing me back. I also told him how I feel about everything. I told my self that if he doesn't respond to this letter then he is incapable of compassion, therefore, I'm going to let go. It doesn't really bother me anymore becuase I realize there's nothing more I can do. What's also helped me is I realize he's a cold cold person because personally I would never be so mean to anybody. Anyways thanks alot for your advice. It makes me feel a whole lot better about the whole situation.

 

.