She wants to sleep at her ex's place

[SidwalkImperfection]

Negative, Ghost Rider.

 

She's proven infidelity in the past and she's proven she doesn't have much respect for you. Tell her it's unacceptable or break up with her. Either way it's a sinking ship IMO.

[Sircrax]

Great. Now I'm thinking about sending her yet another email saying sorry I couldn't come with her and apologising for abandoning her overseas.

I won't do it because I'll come across as a bit obsessive and contradictory at best.

 

PS - earlier, I said she was awesome for bringing it up with me first. I reaffirmed my love for her and my desire for open communication.

Then I sent her the boundary talk.

Now I'm thinking of apologising. Oh boy. I should stay off the computer for a while before she ends up discovering 15 different emails in her inbox, threatening, cajoling, flip-flopping all over the place like a manic depressive...

Edited January 7, 2013 by Sircrax

[Sircrax]

She just sent me a few emails in response.

 

She's apologising profusely. She realises she put convenience above my feelings. She says the ex offered, and that he also asked one their mutual friends (a female) to host my gf as a possible alternative. My gf says she told him thanks for the offer and that she'd get back to him regarding the dates. She also told me that his flatmates would be there too so they wouldn't have been alone, but that it's a flimsy excuse and doesn't change how inappropriate it would be.

 

She acknowledges my feelings, says she was being selfish, that she'd feel the same way in my shoes (she'd feel "bitter" in her words)and that she should have been more considerate.

 

She'll be staying at 2 female friends' instead, that she mentioned by name.

 

She wants to talk about it more on the phone.

 

Sounds kosher. We definitely have some talking to do, but I can't fault her present attitude at the moment. She's being reasonable.

Edited January 7, 2013 by Sircrax

[road]

1. We were supposed to do part of this trip (to a distant land where my family is) together. We'd been talking about it for a long time. But she had to cancel because of lack of funds. It's really, really expensive.

 

 

Notice you had many points. I cut throw all the baloney.

 

You are in a serious relationship and will not pay for your GF?

 

You claim to be in a serious relationship yet you believe in separate vacations which is bad because I have seen too many marriages fall apart with affairs becasue of separate vacations yet you chose to allow an opening for predators to go after your girl.

 

You are cheap with your money not insisting to pay for your GF to go with you.

 

Distant relative? When a relative is that distant and that far away, and that expensive to travel the family will not expect your GF to go. There was no need for her to go. Your GF used the funeral as an excuse to go there for some other reason.

 

When going to a relatives funeral family usually will offer to put up those out of town guest. There should of been no reason for GF to find friends to put her up.

 

There was no reason for GF to contact her ex, no way, no how, no where, no why, no what.

 

GF has money to go to funeral, but could not pay part of her ticket with you helping out.

 

Too many things smell here.

[Sircrax]

I'm a student. I don't have that much money.

Her grandmother is dead. She didn't know her well, but family expects her to be there. Funeral lasts several days, as is custom over there.

During that time, she will be at her mum's place.

Then, she will travel to another city for a few days. The city where she used to live and work, where her friends are & her family •isn't•.

You've misread the situation. Or maybe I have and I'm oblivious.

I totally disagree with your take on "you should have brought her with you" (with the money I don't have). My family is paying for my trip to see them. I'm pretty much broke.

 

I understand your point about separate vacations. But otherwise, I think you've missed the mark. Not by much though.

 

What kind of relationship are we talking about, and what kind of dysfunctional guy would I be, if spending 3 weeks apart (because life gets in the way sometimes and we can't be together every minute) automatically equals = 'inviting predators to seduce my girl in her time of weakness'? What kind of thought process is that?

 

It feels hypocritical to bang on about trust when I clearly have issues with it, but I like to operate from the basis where my SO is an adult that I don't constantly have to babysit in order to prevent her from betraying me in the most odious way.

 

Perhaps I'm naive. If she wants to **** someone, that's on her. I can't fool myself into thinking I should control another grown human being in order not to lose them to a sea of eager phalluses.

[Sircrax]

And before you add that 'if it's a funeral, why doesn't she skip the friends and go straight home after she's fulfilled her obligations?'

 

To which I say; I want her to socialise and have a life.

She hasn't been to her home country in years. She has a right to make the most of it.

 

I'm still not comfortable with her seeing ex boyfriends during the trip though, even if she doesn't crash at theirs. I'll have to bring that up during our phone call and see what comes of it.

 

PS - I appreciate your input, road, even though I mostly disagree with your take. Especially because I disagree. I came here for some fresh, outside perspectives, so thanks.

Edited January 7, 2013 by Sircrax

[salparadise]

you chose to allow an opening for predators to go after your girl.

 

Is the sky always falling? It's either that or someone needs beheading. /ignore

[nofool4u]

My gf (of over a year) is going overseas for a week. Today, she told me she was going to sleep over at her ex-boyfriend's house. She said I shouldn't worry because she'd sleep on the couch 'so nothing would happen'.

 

Ya, riiiiiiight. How in hell does she think this should be in any way acceptable to you? And why is she going there? And why not with you?

 

She continued by saying that she could, however, stay at a female friend's place instead.

 

Uh, so why wouldn't she have thought of that first before the X?

 

 

It was 15 minutes further from the city centre and thus less convenient. She asked me, "is it ok if I sleep over at his?"

 

To which I replied with a stunned silence. Then I explained why it was definitely NOT ok for her to sleep at an ex's place under any circumstances.

I told her that I trust her (I'm not actually convinced by the veracity of that statement, on second thought)... but trust is earned by not deliberately placing yourself in situations where that trust might be tested.

I hate to be controlling, I said, but for my own sake, and the sake of our relationship, I have to draw boundaries somewhere.

 

Thats not controlling. She has to have her head examined if she thinks you'd have been ok with this. I guarantee if the roles where reversed that she wouldn't want you sleeping at another girl's place, x-gf or not. But of course she wouldn't admit that because she would want to argue her case.

 

 

If I don't feel comfortable with something, I have to speak up. I expect her to do the same.

Doing otherwise is to invite misunderstandings, jealousy, hurt, and worse.

There are things I won't accept, no matter what, and this is a major one.

It's about respect and mutual understanding. How would she feel if our roles were reversed, etc.

 

Anyway, she quickly apologised, said she completely understood, and that she'd stay at her female friend's place instead. She then asked me if I was angry with her.

 

Well thats a good sign, but how will you really know if she stays with her female friend or not?

 

 

Except it isn't. Not in my gut. I'm now going through the motions of a jealous, insecure man. A crappy boyfriend, in other words. This girl adores and respects me, and yet I find myself ruminating:

Why would she even consider such a thing in the first place? It seems like such a basic thing NOT to do... where are her boundaries? What is her thought process? What are her limits? Can I really trust her?

 

Thats the hard question. If you discussed it and she understood and wasn't mad that you had reservations, then its a good sign.

 

But then again, she should have known that wasn't acceptable to begin with, and again, you really aren't going to know if she stays with the female friend or not. Or she may stay with the female friend, but after a night of partying she may end up crashing at the x-bf's place.

 

Again, why is she going and why without you?

 

I know I'm overreacting. Still, as I see it, there are 2 possibilities here:

 

1. I'm a jealous idiot. She's wonderful. I should get over it... and if I really can't trust her, that's my problem and I should let her go for both our sakes.

2. She's wonderful, I'm an idiot... but we have fundamentally different expectations from a relationship. We may not be compatible in the long-run. I should let her go for both our sakes.

 

No, there is a 3rd. She's not so wonderful, had intentions of doing no good on this trip, but for some reason might have wanted to put forth the picture that she is being up front. Which she was, but she can tell you she is staying with female friend, but still crash at x-bf's place.

 

Not saying she did have those intentions, or intentions of cheating. But lets look at reality...she wanted to stay at an x-bf's place. Really?

 

Am I being a neurotic, overanalytical, distrustful scumbag? Am I right to question the relationship at such a basic level? Am I just looking for an excuse to bail?

[nofool4u]

She's going overseas for a family funeral.

 

She left already. The more I think about it, the more I get this sinking feeling in my gut. Something's seriously wrong with our relationship.

 

Ok, sorry I didn't read this before asking why she was going.

 

You have a reason to have this feeling in your gut. Not only does her past bring up a red flag(cheating, promiscuity), but the one thing you mentioned was you catching her flirting with a co-worker. Well now she is going to be overseas and you won't be able to know what she is up to.

 

I don't want to get your riled up, and I don't like to do the assumption thing, but I'd be good money she WILL end up crashing at the x-bf's house at least one night.

[road]

And before you add that 'if it's a funeral, why doesn't she skip the friends and go straight home after she's fulfilled her obligations?'

 

To which I say; I want her to socialise and have a life.

She hasn't been to her home country in years. She has a right to make the most of it.

 

I'm still not comfortable with her seeing ex boyfriends during the trip though, even if she doesn't crash at theirs. I'll have to bring that up during our phone call and see what comes of it.

 

PS - I appreciate your input, road, even though I mostly disagree with your take. Especially because I disagree. I came here for some fresh, outside perspectives, so thanks.

 

 

 

Is the sky always falling? It's either that or someone needs beheading. /ignore

 

 

Denial is not the river in Egypt. It is the land you both are living in currently.

Edited January 7, 2013 by road

[Jono85]

im sorry, and this is just my opinion, possibly from a damaged individual who's had trust issues with my past 2 exes, but i don't see a bright future here. i read your last post where you said how understanding and apologetic she was once she read your email, but it really doesn't change my mind on the matter. the damage has been done. the fact that she was A. talking with her ex behind your back and setting up a meet up with him while she was in his country, B. actually had the audacity to ask you if it's cool if she stays at his place (will you cosign on me cheating sweety? so i can have guilt free sex with my ex and then if caught can blame you for not caring that i was staying in the same house as him?), and C. how promiscuous you've said she's been in the past.

 

are you ever going to be able to trust this girl?? sounds like there was already a similar breaking of trust months ago with her, which was break-up worthy in and of itself.

 

some girls, like my recent ex, just need/crave attention from lots of guys. they're needy, like u said, (mine was the worst, and her neediness damaged our relationship early on) and are constantly talking to guys (b/c they don't want to be mean right?). really hard to trust these types.

[NervisPervis]

But she'll be there for a week so she'll see some friends too. Her old acquaintances from her wilder days.

 

Am I the only one that caught this? And those wilder days were SO MANY years ago, all of them must have changed. I mean, they are all of 25 now. WAY too old for a little "old times sake", huh?

 

OK. I'm jaded and paranoid. But is it possible she created the diversion of an old flame she has no intention of seeing? Is she staying with these old, SURELY reformed bar-w.h.o.r.e.s instead?

 

Damn. I'd rather have her stay with the ex and his horny flat-mates. She'll be safer there.

 

You sound cool but you're freaking. You should be. Bull-s.h.i.t that anyone gets over their girl's older, "wilder" days. It's nice to say. It CAN'T really happen though.

 

I don't envy you the next few days. She's just getting to the girlfriends part of the trip, huh? Europe, right? Getting ready for a night of partying right about now. Should be fun. And for her, picking up guy at the bar is is like you or me stopping at a service station and asking for directions. It's second nature. She's not married yet. You insulted her by not going with her...

 

One more time? For old times sake?

[Sircrax]

Well, due to a sudden change in circumstances, I've sbeen able to get a ticket to see her.

She's been begging me to accompany her on this trip and now I will.

As far as I'm concerned, this particular matter is resolved.

I still have to come to peace with where we stand... whether she can really live up to my standards. It's a decision I have to make.

I refuse to babysit her or snoop on her.

This is my burden. She won't change. I can't control her.

What I can do is make my decision and stick with it.

If no, I bail. If yes, I work on my insecurities and make sure I'm in a better headspace if something like this ever happens again. So I'm strong enough to do what's right.

[NoMagicBullet]

Okay, I agree the money issue is a big one, especially with overseas travel and less than a week's notice. If you're family's paying for your trip, then your gf can't really expect you to put up the money to travel with her on short notice unless she and her family are going to pay for it.

 

Yeah, she may not have been close to her grandmother, but deaths of grandparents, parents, and siblings are pretty big events, and do tend to carry the obligation of attendance in even the most distant of families. It would have been good if you could have been there with her for a lot of reasons, but finances are obviously a big block.

 

Either way, it sounds like you two are at the stage where you need to sit down (when you are face-to-face again) and discuss how serious both of you are about the relationship, where you want it to go from here, what you each expect from the other, and what each of you are willing to do to make it work. It's events like this that either bring two people closer together, or start rifts that sooner or later tear them apart -- the effort you and your gf make now will determine which it is.

 

But it does sound like you are both communicating and are both interested in working this through, so your chances are better than most for a positive outcome, I think, if you both can get past the insecurity, selfishness, and "me"-focused thought patterns and can balance things out. Those are issues present with every couple, not just you two specifically. After hearing more and more of your story, I think you two are in the middle of the kind of challenge many couples face, especially at your stage of the relationship (over a year). I think you can work it out if you both want to.

[nofool4u]

This is my burden. She won't change. I can't control her.

 

It doesn't have to be your burden and you can control the type of person you choose to be with.

[aed]

1st.. Please don't hold her past against her as a reason for you not to trust her. Especially if it was before she met you.

2nd.. I'm not so sure that this is completely a trust issue anyway. I think it's also a matter of respect for the relationship.

 

Scenario: If a girl comes up to my S/O and me and starts openly flirting with him, I politely send out the non verbal "that's my boyfriend" signals. If she ignores the fact that he's taken and continues to flirt with him right in front of me, (which has happened) I will not be so nice anymore. It has nothing to do with my lack of trust for him. If a man is going to cheat on me then he's going to do it and I'm not going to stick around. End of story. My issue lies with the imposing girl, who is showing a clear lack of respect for my status and relationship.

 

For whatever reason, innocent or conniving, she wanted to stay at his place. But she asked you if you were okay with it, and respected your opinion on the matter, therefore respected your relationship.

He invited her to stay at his place, which translates in my head to 'he still has feelings for her, or thinks he can get some' That is HIM being disrespectful to your relationship with her.

 

 

And if she's as insecure as you say, she naively might have not even considered him trying anything with her when she planned on staying with him.

 

I disagree. First she didn't mention that she would stay at her ex, only a couple of days before. She mentioned it and ofcourse she asked. But she is disrespectfull to the relationship. He (ex) can ask everything he want's, she is the one who needs to have healthy boundaries.

 

A girl who ask this is a major red flag. She could just said no to him (without asking her bf), and look for an other place to stay or drive home. Yes you can't prefent O/s from cheating that is there choice. But if she stayed and something happens she has the perfect alibi.

[aed]

I don't believe there is ever an alibi for cheating. I don't care if she was hammered, emotionally distressed, or isolated with him for 2 months and just couldn't contain her sexual urges any longer. She will be responsible if she cheats on the OP, and I hope he respects himself enough to realize that it would not be his fault.

This situation is wierd in general, but I wouldn't be happy if the ex thought it was okay any more than i would be if the s/o thought it was.

 

I agree completely with this post!!

 

But I disagree with your other post that she was showing respect to him and their relationship.

[mavendark]

Well, due to a sudden change in circumstances, I've sbeen able to get a ticket to see her.

She's been begging me to accompany her on this trip and now I will.

As far as I'm concerned, this particular matter is resolved.

I still have to come to peace with where we stand... whether she can really live up to my standards. It's a decision I have to make.

I refuse to babysit her or snoop on her.

This is my burden. She won't change. I can't control her.

What I can do is make my decision and stick with it.

If no, I bail. If yes, I work on my insecurities and make sure I'm in a better headspace if something like this ever happens again. So I'm strong enough to do what's right.

 

I think someone may have mentioned this just a little after you posted this. But I think your insecurity, in this situation, stems strictly just from the fact that she even bothered to ask you/she even considered it a possibility to go see/stay with the ex overseas. I know that that, in and of itself, would strike a nerve with me and cause my trust for her to waver.