Confused/Depressed, 4 hrs apart from new bf, old bf of 5.5 yrs stirring up emotions

[Evanescence]

Ok Guys... I'm asking for ur help AGAIN. (and this is a REAL long one)

 

I feel like crap. Absolute crap and I don't know what to do.

 

My ex of 5.5 yrs broke my heart last Jan/Feb. In April I started seeing my new bf. Me and my new bf live 4 hrs apart and this time has been the longest we will be apart. It's only been 2.5 weeks so far, but it will be a full month before we see each other. I fell in love with my new bf almost instantly (he was a friend, not a close friend, but a friend before we started really seeing each other) and felt feelings for him that I never thought would be possible to feel again. The first two months of LD weren't so bad. We saw each other just about every weekend and talked on the phone for hours a day. As the summer went on we started seeing less and less of each other and talking less and less on the phone. I have no friends where I live right now (I went back home for the summer, in school sept-apr) and I am incredibly bored, so the fact that I don't have him all the time feels even worse than if I were to have friends to keep me busy. He is extremely busy, hence why we only see each other every few weeks and talk less now than before (maybe about half an hour a day?). I feel like he's not putting in effort, but he says he is just so busy and he can't help it. So that makes me feel like crap. The other day we talked about it and he agreed to try and put a little more phone time in if I can agree to understanding that he has a busy life right now and is trying what he can to get time in with me. We are hoping to make it until school starts (in 2 weeks) when we will be only 2 hours apart, and occupied with school so we won't notice that we aren't talking as much as we'd like to. We are also trying to think of how we can visit each other (his car insurance got cancelled on him and i'm taking my dad's car to school with me and he put a "once-a-month" restriction on driving the long distance to see my bf). He said he'll take the train (which ridiculously takes 5 or more hours to get to a 2 hour driving distance) and I agreed to drive once a month, take the train once a month (and split the train fair that time). Ok... so trying to handle the distance thing a bit better was discussed but....

 

Ok, well, there is more to the problem. I won't go into all the little problems, I'll only talk about my second biggest problem.

 

My ex called me a few weeks ago and said that he wanted to see me. When we were dating, the first 3 years we lived in the same city, then I moved 2 hours away to go to school. We were together for 2.5 years after that. the last half year was amazing. We were SO CLOSE to getting really serious and getting engaged. The distance started to seem too hard to handle, but I knew I was almost done school and I was going to go to grad school in a city near-by home (so i could commute and live in the same city as the him). For my program I get paid for going into graduate studies, so i was plannnig on moving in with him and starting our lives together. Well, come last January, he decided that the distance, among a few small other things (which he now thinks were not good enough reasons to break up) got the best of him and he ended the relationship. Anyway, him telling me he wanted to see me 6 months after the break up (and of not seeing each other even once) was a big deal. I didn't know if I could handle it, but I went to see him. We stayed up until 4am talking about what we went through for the last 6 months. He told me he is still in love with me and still thinks i am the most incredible person he has ever met, but just like myself, he is in a new relationship. However, unlike mine, his is going well. The only problem is that she is 18 and he is 24. He is having trouble handling the "rules" (i.e. her curfew) and the fact that he'd have to wait forever before she is ready to settle down. Anyway, he's confused as to what to do, but for the time being, he is with her. He says the ONLY thing keeping him from coming back to me is the fact that he is with her and things are going well. He admits that he and I had many things that he and she do not have, but i think he has hope that it may develop with time.

 

We met again Sunday night. And talked again until 3:30 am. I now completely realized that I lied to myself when I first started dating my new bf. I thought I would never go back to the ex, and i thought that i wasn't in love with him anymore. NOw i realize that feelings are just as strong as they ever were, and finding out that the ex feels the same way, but can't be with me is killing me. We are so incrediby confused. I want to be with him, yet i don't and vice versa.

 

I told him that right from the beginning I knew we'd end up back together. I also told him that I don't believe that we are NOT meant to be together. I don't want to go through the rest of my life wondering "what if" like i hear so many of my much older friends saying about their once-upon-a-time loves. I need to have proof that it won't work. He simply told me that I will never get that proof cuz he knows we would work out.

 

SO WHAT THE HECK??? I don't understand why we aren't together.

 

I feel so guilty doing all this stuff behind my current bf's back. He trusts me, and i'm breaking his trust by emotionally cheating on him. I know what you are all going to say... "break up with him"... but something is still telling me not to. I'm not afraid of being alone, and I really feel I need time to be alone actually. I need time to straighten out my head, but something is telling me to hold on to my bf.

 

What do I do about all of this? I am so confused and depressed. I have never felt such a huge weight on my chest before. I feel like I'm going to explode because my emotions for these two guys are in such a jumble.

 

My current bf is suppose to take the train down to visit me the last weekend of this month. I almost want to tell him not to bother, but yet i feel like some alone time (which we haven't gotten hardly at ALL this summer, we've been so busy with family and social events) may help me figure out EXACTLY what I want. He says he feels the same way. He just needs some alone time to try and figure out if we should work out this distance thing, or if we should just cut back to being friends.

 

One other note... for those of you who think I should break up with the current bf (which I'm guessing is going to be all of you), should I even try to get the old bf back. Maybe not immediately, but eventually? Or should I just sit back and let fate do what it has to do?

 

UGH... what a soap opera.

 

Sorry this is so long, but it's my life, I'm trying to deal with what i'm being dished out.

 

Your input is SO MUCH appreciated. Thanks so much for reading and posting!

[Fire Inside 29]

Hi,Well if I was you I would really think about this too.Maybe some time alone for awhile weigh the all the facts out in your head.I would even get a piece of paper and mark postives and negatives about your relationship with both of these people and see wich one is the easiest to be with.However it really isnt fair to your new boyfriend to be lied to and have him go out of his way to come see you and your well messing around behind his back.Although I can see how you have had this relationship with this other guy and it can be hard too having a long distance relationship so i feel you there.I would see your new boyfriend when he comes.I would also think about it really hard what you want to do before he comes.If you really like him and the long distance relationship thing is hard for you and you have developed feelings again for your old boyfriend.Just tell him break up with him in his tell the truth tell him its hard and you really like him but its hard right now.Continue to be very good friends with him.Maybe if it doesnt work out with your old boyfriend you can go back to him,or maybe not.This is really up to you to think about I cant determine how much you feel for these people.I know not fair though to anybody to be lied too.So choose one or let them both go and find someone else.Best of luck to you!!!!!

[Evanescence]

Thanks so much for ur post. Ya, its so funny because I know what I have to do, but I just can't do it. I think when the moment is right, I'll know. I just want to make a note though, I'm not "messing" around with my ex, it's just sitting and chatting about times past as well as how we feel currently. But it is very heavy emotionally and that's why i feel so bad about it. Just wanted to make that clear cuz I'd never physically cheat on anyone (although I'm sure emotinally cheating can be just as bad, if not worse). Thanks again.

[bye2past]

Hi Evanescence,

 

From the beginning, it was kind of clear to me that your new BF is a rebound BF. You said your ex broke it off with you in Jan/Feb, and then only 2 months later, you're dating someone else?? After being in a relationship for 5 and 1/2 years?? That, to me, screams rebound.

 

I'm sure you were completely heartbroken (the pain from which you've never felt the likes of) during those two months, and that's why you had these feelings that you "never thought would be possible to feel again" when you met BF #2.

 

I personally think it's wonderful that your BF #1 hasn't tried to fool around with you during all of this. I think that shows that he really wants to have you back, and perhaps, he never really stopped loving you. One question though: did he come back after he found out you were with another guy, or was it just of his own accord?

 

There's that saying...something like "it's true love if you leave something and it comes back to you." It sounds like he's coming back to you, even though he's the one that left you! Maybe he just needed time to sort out things in his head (as you said you need now). Maybe he needed to be with another girl to realize that you really are the perfect one for him.

 

One thing that's very clear though is that you still have strong feelings for him, which isn't fair to your current BF. If you're not scared to take the plunge, I would talk to your current BF about this and tell him how you feel. An understanding BF will probably be mad or shocked at first, but he'll know that it's best for both of you to split if you're really not committed to each other.

 

And honestly, to me, it doesn't sound like you're really in love with either one of them. I say this only because I'm completely in love with my fiancee...and she's been in Japan for over 6 months (talk about a LDR!!). Even though she's in a completely different country, and I've had offers from rather attractive women here, I'm just so completely in love with her that it's no problem for me to stay true. I used to hear people say that when you're in love, "you'll know." And that used to piss me off because it just didn't make sense to me! But now, I can say that it's true that you'll definitely know when you're in love. And by the way you're talking about these two guys, it sounds like you're not there yet.

 

Anyway...that's just a tangent. For right now, like I said, I'd suggest telling your current BF how you feel, and let the chips fall where they may. Because really, at the end of the day, you go to bed with yourself. Think of Shakespeare:

 

Hamlet, Act I, Scene III, Lord Polonius to Laertes: "This above all; to thine ownself be true."

 

Good luck, and if you can, please let us know what happens!!

[Evanescence]

Ya, I'd agree maybe about my current bf... the not truly being in love thing. But as far as the ex goes, if I was with him, I would NEVER EVER think of NOT being true to him. Heck, i'm pretty sure i've even reached a whole other level of love with the ex that no words are good enough to explain. He just didn't feel entirely the same.

 

Well, he seems like he's coming back. He tells me he's 50/50 on it. His new gf is "great" and he has no probs with her. But he's still in love with me. From what i've heard from others, if someone doesn't make you forget about your last "great thing" then you shouldn't be with them. You need to find that someone that makes you forget about the others... and he says he never will forget about me.

 

Yes, I agree that he needs to sort things out in his head. He started talking to me like this 2 days after we broke up. And then we talked about once a month up until recently. Him calling me every time. I never called him. He did forget my bday though. He's always told me how he felt, even before the new bf came along.

 

God, the guy reads old letters that i use wrote him, looks at pics of us all the time, and listens to songs that remind him of us. Doesn't sound like someone who did the breaking up does it? Sounds like I was the person who broke up with him.

 

You know what? Who freakin knows. I'm starting to get fed up with this whole mess. I just want to get on with my life already. I want to be happy u know? I'm so tired of being depressed.

[bye2past]

You know, thinking about it some more, you're actually in a wonderful position here, because you both (you and BF #1) are in the same spot. Both of you pretty much like the person you're with now, but you both still love each other. What's wonderful is that you can just say goodbye to the people you're with, and jump back into each others' arms. It's worse for people who don't have someone to "jump" to, because when they finally jump, they can only hope they'll land okay.

 

I hear you on being fed up...sounds like something will have to happen soon though, because if BF #2 has 1/2 a brain, he'll pick up that something's bothering you. Even if you try to hide it from him, given the amount that you wrote in your first post, it sounds like you're so bothered by this that it'll express itself in your everyday life. (And if not there, then in bed.)

[Evanescence]

I wish it was that easy. I wish we could just jump back into each others arms. Unfortunately, it's not that easy for him. I feel like I should fight to get him back, but then again, I think he should figure it out on his own. I don't want him doing to me what he is doing to his current gf (going behind her back and talking to me). However, he did say that if he decides to come back to me, that is IT. Probably another reason why he's hesitating, he wants to make sure 100% that this is what he wants.

 

And I think the current bf knows. I don't know if he knows about me still having feelings for my ex, but he definitly knows something is going on. I told him that for the last month or so I've been incredibly unhappy. I also told him that I think i started dating him too soon after my break up. He was hurt, but I felt better knowing that he knows some of the truth.

[moogle2]

Well seems like you truly want BF#1. Go for that if that's what you want. But like you said, he may be hesitant. Just play it by ear. But don't "sit back and let fate take over". If there is such a thing as fate, you still need to WORK towards it, and not sit back and let stuff fall into place... that rarely happens without work. I dunno what to tell you about your current BF. I had a similar prob recently. I still love my ex and we've been broken up for a year and he's 1300 miles away. We still talk and all and recently I just saw him. But I had a BF here, similar to your current one; in that I still love my ex but BF#2 needs to know the truth that I'm not happy with him. So I broke up with him before I saw my ex again.

 

Just do what feels right to you and what makes you happy. Love is sacrifice to make you and the other person happy. Go for what makes you happy.

 

-Megan

[Evanescence]

Ok, so I KNOW the right thing to do. I know I have to break up with my boyfriend. I saw him this weekend. He took the 4 hour train ride to come see me and we spent Friday (late) night to Sunday afternoon together. The time alone was really good. Then last night he gave me this speech about how when we took a break (a few weeks ago) he didn't ever intend on breaking up with me. He knew I was unhappy with the relationship, and he just needed time to think about what he had to do. He said now he knows what he has to do. He went on about how he is falling in love wtih me more and more every time he sees me. And he went on about how much he cares for me. God, what have I done? How can I go and inflict that kind of pain on someone? After I heard him say that I realized how bad this might be. And I also realized that maybe I want to try and give this relationship a bit more time, see what happens. But if I still have feelings for my ex, I know it isn't right to stay with my boyfriend... it's not fair that he has to share my heart with someone else. Thing is, I feel no matter who I'm with, they will ALWAYS share my heart with my ex. We just had way too much together.

 

So what do I do? I know I have to talk to my ex again, and soon. I have to straighten out with him what exactly is going on. If he is not going to end it with his girlfriend, then I'm going to forget it all together. As painful and hard as that is going to be, I'm just so exhausted mentally and emotionally from the fight for his heart. That and if I ever hope to have a normal relationship with my current boyfriend or anyone else, I can't be thinking about my ex all the time and wondering what is going on there. If he doesn't want to be with me, and chooses this new girl, I feel like I may have to just face the facts, as much as I feel I don't want to (and may not be able to).

 

My mom told me that maybe it's best that I tell my boyfriend that we should have an open relationship... be allowed to see other people, while we still see each other (which will probably only be once a month once school starts, if that). That way neither of us (well, he's mostly the one I'm thinking about), isn't held back. If something else that may seem promising comes along, a chance for him to be happy, he can take it and not have to worry so much about me.

 

Anyway, how do I break it off with my boyfriend, if that's what i actually choose to do? What is the best way to approach it so that we both have minimum pain? (i've never had to break up with someone before, so I'm completely hurt and lost by all of this)

 

Thanks

[moogle2]

as cliche as it may be, you may want to use the 'its not you, its me" deal. it's true though. just explain to him, but it seems as thought he already has a grasp of the basic situation. just have to talk to him and explain it to him. there's no easy way, but thats one of the best ways. he might not like it, but he should understand. good luck.

 

-Megan