Loving a Friend who Pushes You Away?

[BubbleBear81]

[font=courier new][/font][color=indigo][/color] Over the past yr n'1/2 I have had this friend, a male friend, who has been there for me though everything. They given me advice, encourage me, made me feel loved, and welcomed me into their life with open arms and love. I had a tramatic childhood in every way imaginable and I don't trust easily,but they gained it. I would always know I could run to them if i needed and always invited me to visit them and even live with them temporarily if i needed or wanted to. I felt special to them.

 

About 6 months ago, I realized i was starting to develop feelings for them. I tried to shake them off telling myself I shouldn't,but after a few months, they still would not go away,but seemed to get deeper. Finally, I decided to tell them just to get it off my chest, and I spose I was somewhat hoping that they felt the same away ,but if they didn't that was ok, I just needed closure and I thought that would.

 

 

When I told them they were very receptive and nice to me,and simply responded with "your still my very good friend, I just don't really go for reltionships." Which is ok with me and understandable,however ever since I told them,they hardly speak to me and seem to be pushing me away or running away or something. I went to visit them lately for a get-together with some friends , and the day I left ,they invited everyone accept me,back to see them. And when I told them I was going to miss them,they said "no, you won't, you probably want to leave."

 

 

Alot of our conversations lately have been fights and arguing. We always manage to work though them,but I'm scared its slowly starting to ruin our friendship. Communication doesn't seem to be much of an option either, since they apparently "never" do anything wrong and always "me." They were hardly ever like this before I shared my feelings for them & now I can't help but think they are trying to disten the friendship. People have told me they are doing this so they don't hurt me anymore,but by them not talking to me and avoiding me is what hurts more. I hate always briging up how things make me feel with them ,because it never seems to get anywhere.

 

I'm 23 and they are 30. I thought by this age people were more grown up then that. I do not understand why they are doing this and its hurting me bad,more as the days go on it seems and I don't know what to think or what to do.

[uriel]

I'm sorry this is the result of your sharing your loving feelings with a friend. You're right that he's behaving immaturely. If he was hoping to spare your feelings, he's not doing a very good job of it by acting this way.

 

In my experience, men who behave this way with a woman who is interested in them are distancing themselves because they aren't interested in the woman romantically and they feel a sort of uncomfortable pressure to give in (even if she's far from pressuring him) when she's around. These guys react to that pressure with a mixture of coldness and rudeness.

 

The only thing you can do is to take the pressure off by keeping your distance. The friendship is over for now. Maybe it can resume again when he's calmed down and your feelings have gone elsewhere. Maybe.

 

If this guy is a huge commitmentphobe, he'll suspect you're after him even then, when you're not. You'll just have to wait and see if he settles down about it. But don't expect it to go anywhere and for your own sake don't give in to any mixed signals. If he decides one drunken, slurry night he wants sex, just say no!

 

-- uriel

[BubbleBear81]

Thanks for your advice & thoughts uriel,I appreciate it.

 

I'm putting distance from him actually. I can't shake this feeling that he's not all he says,even though he appears genuine,caring and often greets everyone he crosses with a smile.

 

What bothers me, is how he sweet talks virtually every cute 18 yr old( well, any age really,but mostly younger girls).,telling them how special and lovely they are,only to hardly ever talk to them again, once he gets something from them or only when he does want something and sees nothing wrong with it, because it's how he chooses to live.

 

But I also notice how he "subtly" talks about women in general. For example, this one time we were walking with some friends and he turns to his friend and says "hey , that guy just referred to his girl as his bitch" and then he slightly laughed. Yet socically, he projects this attitude of how equality is important.

 

 

On top of that, I notice how this guy gets severely defensive whenever his actions are questioned or hes confronted about things. Everytime I have asked him why he did something that effected me, he snaps and states how my questions are "absurd" and "how it's my problem" if i feel that way. He also claims i'm "interrogating" & "judging" him. By simply asking a question or b/c im trying to talk to him about how something he did, effected me.

 

I miss him as a friend and as I put the pieces together, thats about all I'm missing.

[kgal]

Well...give it time. You're friend may not want more than friendship, and like you mentioned, you're okay with that....so just let him have some space...if that's what you feel he's wanting right now. Perhaps he was just a little taken by surprise by what you told him...who knows? Just give him some space...that's my advice. Hopefully things will cool back down and you can have that friend of yours back in full.

[uriel]

Yeah -- I'm sorry to learn more about this guy. Sounds like the man I fell in love with way back when (friends, he signalled more, I confessed love, he backed off and emotionally mistreated me). You might be dealing with a narcissist. Recommend you read up on them at Sam Vaknin's Malignant Self Love. Here's the url: http://samvak.tripod.com/

 

Take good care

 

-- uriel