RainyDay Posted August 19, 2004 Share Posted August 19, 2004 Hello. I am currently in the middle of a divorce, had been struggling with "getting over it" and going back and forth a little (on the inside) about filing or trying to reconcile. X and I have hurt each other so much over the years. Mostly I have only thought about how he's hurt me, and been a little blind to all of the pains I've caused. We were both unkind to each other, and that realization has prompted me to go ahead with the divorce. He and I cannot care for each other like that, we're unable, too immature or something. But everytime I talk to him, I later realize the subtle "manipulations" that come from my side... at the time I'm just talking to him but later I see that really I was being a 8itch. I make rude comments. I interrupt him while he's talking and finish his sentences. I am just inappropriate. Emotional outbursts. I have not realized before how much I do this - been blaming only him and not realizing the H E L L that I must be to live with, deal with etc. I would like to apologize to him. I would like to honestly and seriously let him know that I have now realized how much of it was ME. I am afraid, after all of the years of my own manipulations, that he will just think this is a ploy. That I'm playing some game to win him back. I have been considering this for a few days and have even wondered at my own intentions, second guessing myself. But I feel very certain about going on with the divorce, and I feel very ashamed, humbled and truly sorry for how I've treated him and would like to apologize. Is there some way I could do this sincerely that he would not doubt my intentions? Or is that just another selfish need of mine, to help absolve myself of feeling guilty? Should I apologize or should I just FROM NOW ON, control my behaviors better and show him that I do not devalue him? I would like any suggestions or insights please! Link to post Share on other sites
Papillon Posted August 19, 2004 Share Posted August 19, 2004 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t45330/ Link to post Share on other sites
blackheart Posted August 19, 2004 Share Posted August 19, 2004 I don't think I'm wise enough to say if what you want to do is good or bad in the long run. But if decide to do it you might consider doing it in a letter. Explain to him everything you want to say. Then he will have time to think about it. If you try to tell him his gut reaction might be to think its a ploy and to get defensive which will lead to a fight and it will all be for naught. Give a letter and tell him not to contact you for a week or so afterwords. Then if and when he does contact you show through your actions you meant what you said. He will have had time to digest what you've said and maybe will be open to the idea of it. Link to post Share on other sites
brandx Posted August 20, 2004 Share Posted August 20, 2004 Black heart has a very good idea here. I am in a close situation to some extent. During my marriage, my wife and I have both hurt each other and made painful sacrifices. I have realized that over the years I have put up an enormous wall to protect myself from her because she always wanted to blame me or someone else for all of the problems in our marriage, lives, etc. Don't get me wrong, I have made mistakes and hurt her; I take full responsibility for that and have done so directly to her, but she does not recognize nor is she even willing to consider the possibility that she plays a part in the pain in our lives, or that I should even feel any pain. To be honest, the ONLY thing that could possibly give my dead heart (at least where she is considered) a chance at beating for her again is if she sincerely recognized her role and could express that to me, along with some true remorse, otherwise my heart can never be safe with her and I will be indifferent forever. That said, I realize you are not trying to stop the divorce, so your situation is different, but even if my wife and I do divorce, which is VERY likely in my mind, it would mean SO much to me to hear her say what you are considering saying. Now, I do not know your husband, what is in his heart, mind etc., but since you asked for opinions, that is mine. Life is too short. Do it for both of your sakes. Be honest and give him a chance at something that may be very important for him; if not, at least you did the right thing. Take Care. BrandX Link to post Share on other sites
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