secretlady76 Posted January 7, 2013 Share Posted January 7, 2013 How far would you go to maintain NC? My life and that of MM is very integrated in all which ways. The only way I can really maintain NC is to move house, move area, move the kids out of school, basically change everything. Has anyone actually done that? The stubborn part of me refuses to budge. I almost feel that 'why should I upheave my family?' But on the other hand, the chances of bumping into each other at the moment is pretty much 100%. Not good for maintaining NC. Link to post Share on other sites
LostSoulTrain Posted January 7, 2013 Share Posted January 7, 2013 I work together with my xAP and it is very tough to avoid her. We used to drink coffee with some colleagues before but now I am avoiding these gatherings. Luckily I can do part of my job from home so I dont go too much to office for the moment. So far I managed not to see her. Link to post Share on other sites
Complicated1112 Posted January 7, 2013 Share Posted January 7, 2013 Yes. I moved away, got a new job, very challenging but rewarding. More money, better benefit and very far away from him. Kill many birds at once. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted January 7, 2013 Share Posted January 7, 2013 I stopped dropping my daughter off early at school in the morning, I pick her up on the other side of the school and I don't look for her on the road anymore while driving. Chances are high I might see her but if I do it is a glance long enough to know that I saw her and I go the other way. Works fine for me and I haven't seen xmw in quite some time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Catplates Posted January 7, 2013 Share Posted January 7, 2013 Blocked emails, Face book. I dropped out of the social activities and the two hobbies we had in common. I felt cheated of friends and acitivities but it was worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
wisernow Posted January 8, 2013 Share Posted January 8, 2013 (edited) How far would you go to maintain NC? My life and that of MM is very integrated in all which ways. The only way I can really maintain NC is to move house, move area, move the kids out of school, basically change everything. Has anyone actually done that? The stubborn part of me refuses to budge. I almost feel that 'why should I upheave my family?' But on the other hand, the chances of bumping into each other at the moment is pretty much 100%. Not good for maintaining NC. How long have you been NC? How has it been going so far? Have you or he tried making contact? If your resolve (and his) is strong, I don't think it would matter if you live/work in close proximity. Hell, there are other threads on here where the AP moved to another country and still was going back and forth, <insert> allowing the MM/MW to make contact or doing it themselves. So, I don't think there is any distance you can move away, if you're not firm about remaining NC. If I saw xmm today (highly unlikely) I would just keep walking. OTOH, if I were still all wrapped up (obsessed) with him, it wouldn't make a difference how far away he or I lived. I'd find a way to make contact. To me it's all about choice. Either it's over, or not. As wise Owl says: "There is no try, just do". Something like that... Edited January 8, 2013 by wisernow clarity 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted January 8, 2013 Share Posted January 8, 2013 fBS here..... And either he was all in with me, or all out. They worked together and he got transferred to another office. she kept calling and HE told her NOT to anymore. She was devastated, thinking they could still be friends. I told him, if that is what he wanted, then I intended to befriend my old college boyfriend, the one who searches for me till this day. he was thunderstruck and panicked by the thought. IF you are serious about committing to one person, then you are serious about going to ANY and ALL lengths possible to enforce NC. I didn't care if he stayed or went. he Initiated all of this to prove to me, and maybe himself, how serious he was about me. that's all I needed to know to give reconciliation a chance, albeit a very small one, in the beginning. Actions, actions, actions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author secretlady76 Posted January 8, 2013 Author Share Posted January 8, 2013 How long have you been NC? How has it been going so far? Have you or he tried making contact? If your resolve (and his) is strong, I don't think it would matter if you live/work in close proximity. Hell, there are other threads on here where the AP moved to another country and still was going back and forth, <insert> allowing the MM/MW to make contact or doing it themselves. So, I don't think there is any distance you can move away, if you're not firm about remaining NC. If I saw xmm today (highly unlikely) I would just keep walking. OTOH, if I were still all wrapped up (obsessed) with him, it wouldn't make a difference how far away he or I lived. I'd find a way to make contact. To me it's all about choice. Either it's over, or not. As wise Owl says: "There is no try, just do". Something like that... Yes you are totally correct in what you say. Er, NC has been going for several weeks. There was attempted contacted in the first week but no more since then. I've given up totally on him now I've heard nothing. Trying to move on. I've done the necessary removal on FB etc. I'm trying to carry on with life as normal. No idea what he is doing (nor do I think about it anymore) but I would assume his BS is making life pretty difficult for him anyway. Nope. I'm going to stay exactly where I am. I am happy here, as are my kids. Hubby is happy here too (yes, he knows about it all). Link to post Share on other sites
Summer Breeze Posted January 8, 2013 Share Posted January 8, 2013 I wonder how the BW feels about that. It shows about as much respect as the A itself. At the end of the day the person to protect the BS is the WS. If there are sacrifices to be made for protecting then they should be made by the WS. Obviously if both in the A were M then they both have the responsibility to their respective BSs. I lived a little distance from DMM so when I ended it I didn't have to change anything to keep him out of my life but I wouldn't have changed my life anyway. He got into the A, he carried on the A, and he was the one who had to mop up his mess after. Link to post Share on other sites
Summer Breeze Posted January 8, 2013 Share Posted January 8, 2013 SunmerBeeeze I don't disagree that the WS should be beating the brunt but to some extent forcing him to move is only further punishing the wife. No cost of the fallout should fall on her. She is the only innocent party. So when there is one AP married and one not I think it's a windfall to a successfully reconciling WS but so be it. The innocent should be the first priority of all the perpetrators. I did understand what you were saying but I disagree. I don't in any way feel like the BS should bear any punishment but if the WS has created the situation then it's up to them to sort it out. That's part of the cross the WS has to bear and another place where their actions have hurt their BS. As an OW I wouldn't move. But then again I wouldn't seek either of them out and I'd be as out of their lives as I could be without giving up my life. I do understand what you're saying and I can see where you'd feel that way but I disagree. When xH had his A I worked with them both. We didn't reconcile but I had to face them every day. When I could I left the company and focused on the business I'd started up while we were still M. If we'd reconciled I may have wanted us to change jobs or move but I would never have considered that she should. Link to post Share on other sites
Author secretlady76 Posted January 8, 2013 Author Share Posted January 8, 2013 SunmerBeeeze I don't disagree that the WS should be beating the brunt but to some extent forcing him to move is only further punishing the wife. No cost of the fallout should fall on her. She is the only innocent party. So when there is one AP married and one not I think it's a windfall to a successfully reconciling WS but so be it. The innocent should be the first priority of all the perpetrators. We're both married (as stated) so there are TWO innocent parties...my BS and his BS. My BS certainly wouldn't move for it. He can't see the point. He's like, whatever, move on, get on with life, forget about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Washingmachine1980 Posted January 8, 2013 Share Posted January 8, 2013 I have changed my number, scrubbed my personal data on the Internet, deleted my fake emails which I used an IP scrambler for anyway. It looks like I live five hours away now. I didn't do this to hide from my ex-married men but, to make sure their spouses never find me. These guys who cheat think they are so smart and they will never get caught. They always do. I had my fun, got what I needed and have left that lifestyle. I don't want their messy drama messing up my life so if the spouses were actually able to find out who I really was they probably wouldn't bother with me since I'm no longer local. When married men get caught, they go to great lengths to hide the mistress but sometimes they do cave. I only told two of them my real information and one them already got busted but actually lives 4 hours away so she didn't want to fool with it. It's a matter of time for the other one and since I really know all his dirty business and have documentation of it, I doubt he would give my personal data to his wife. This affair stuff seems like a wonderful idea until it ends. Then you are always looking for the other shoe to drop. Affairs are really stupid things to do. Link to post Share on other sites
loredo21 Posted January 8, 2013 Share Posted January 8, 2013 I stopped dropping my daughter off early at school in the morning, I pick her up on the other side of the school and I don't look for her on the road anymore while driving. Chances are high I might see her but if I do it is a glance long enough to know that I saw her and I go the other way. Works fine for me and I haven't seen xmw in quite some time. Do we ALL do this? Look for them on the road driving? I thought I was the only one...hm. Link to post Share on other sites
buckeyeblue Posted January 8, 2013 Share Posted January 8, 2013 Summer Breeze - I agree. The OW has the responsibility to stay NC and to stay out of their marriage, but it is not on her to initiate a move, either from her home or from her job. The WS owes this to his BS. Yes, it's unfair to the BS, but so is all of the other fallout from the affair. Link to post Share on other sites
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