trust issues and insecurity

[mellum]

Pleaaase help me, i am driving myself insane.

 

I am in a new relationship of 9 weeks and this is all very new to me. I am 22 and have been incredibly hurt during my childhood that meant i kept myself emotionally unavailable in previous relationships.

 

However, i met a man who i feel i can trust. I bared my soul to him and slowly with his help ive become emotionally open and attached to him.

 

However, a few days i made a foolish mistake to check his messages on facebook, only to find a message from another girl saying how much she missed him and his cuddles.

He confronted why i checked his messages and to cut a long story short, he cried, saying she was only a good friend and that i could check his other messages, email account and even ask her if i wanted.

 

I was embarrassed so i declined and we talked things through.

 

The thing is, i believe he wont cheat on me, hes romantic, sensitive and thoughtful.

What bothers me is that he has alot of female friends who seem to flirt with him and he responds in find.

 

But he has constantly reassured me, saying he thinks im beautiful, hes never felt like this with anyone else, how much he misses me and cares for me... but i have a hard time beliving this.

 

I know im basically contradicting myself but thats how this all feels in my head.

 

How can i over come my issues? I want this to work because i feel that if it doesnt, i shall close my heart to men forever.

 

Sorry its long, but some advice would be greatly appreciated.

[GSB81]

Ok, I consider myself to be an average guy. I also have several female friends. In fact, I have more female friends than male friends. That said, I've NEVER cuddled with any of them. That's not something friends do. Also, people on here are gonna bitch on you for going through his msgs, ignore them. You should be able to go through your boyfriend's msgs without finding anything out of the ordinary if he is committed to you. When I'm with a girl I am committed to and care for, I make it clear that I have nothing to hide. My phone has no lock on it and I don't log out of Facebook. I don't need to. If it doesn't work out with this guy, don't let it end your progress. Yeah, a lot of guys are scum but there are some decent ones out there lurking. Maybe you'll find one that's been screwed over and he will appreciate you all the more.

[Sircrax]

I've been in a similar situation before. With my current girl, mind, so take my advice with a grain of salt. (Just posted about her in this very forum, so obviously whatever I did may not have worked. Seeing as how I still have trust issues, warranted or not.)

 

I did the same thing as you... Kind of. I stated my discomfort. I told her it wasn't cool.

I kept her in suspense for days. I threatened to leave.

 

She cried, she apologised, she made promises.

Eventually I got over it, but made it clear in no uncertain terms that this was her first and last chance.

 

Even now, I think it was mostly the right approach.

 

If he understands you, if he shows remorse, if he accepts your feelings and owns up to his bad behaviour without making excuses; accept his apologies and move on (if you can).

 

Give him the benefit of the doubt until proven otherwise. Let your boundaries be known and don't accept transgressions, but try to escape the endless, hellish feedback loop of jealousy and paranoia. Don't delude yourself into thinking you can control him or catch him out. Give him a genuine chance, or bail out.

 

If he abuses your trust again, you know what to do.

 

But once again, easier said than done. I'm in a rough spot right now and have the same decision to make. It's messy and it's hard.

 

Good luck.

Edited January 7, 2013 by Sircrax

[mavendark]

Hiya,

 

I know exactly how you feel. Actually I believe I am very similar to you in terms of these types of issues. I've closed off my heart to most men and never let them get too close. I always broke it off with them due to fear and insecurity. I still haven't worked past these issues but they are getting better day by day as I learn how to cope with it. I'm very insecure when it comes to things like what you mentioned in your post, which I have also had a share of. Looking at chat logs, and other messages from previous bfs and their exes tends to bring out the worst in this problem. I've learned to not even go there at all. They offer me their facebook to look at? I never look. They give me their phone to use? Only use it to dial and make phone calls. Etc.

 

I have learned from my previous mistakes to not dig too much. Because ultimately I'm digging myself into a hole and causing myself misery. I learned to not dig too much into bf's text messages, photos, computer, and in general the past. I just let things be and just remember that he is currently with me right now and that I am the one making him happy. And these issues, most of the time, stems from yourself, not from him. You see, these problems, whether it be jealousy or insecurity, or the inability to trust men is a self fulfilling prophecy. The more you worry about it the more it becomes an issue in the relationship. And the more likely he will leave you. Just remember to control your feelings, control what you say to him and don't let it become a bigger issue.

 

Although I do admit that it is weird that he has messages from the girl saying she wants to cuddle or something, you really ultimately have to make the judgment for yourself. Is his response kind of egging her on? Or is he very nonchalant, and neutral about it. If he is leading her on, then there's a problem with him. But try to look at it in a very objective point of view. Insecurity tends to come and twist your reality 180 degrees and make everything look warped.

 

Having been through similar experiences as you have, I honestly can say that I have seriously never gotten over these issues. I am facing a huge issue at hand right now (as you can tell by my post in the forums today as well). The only thing you can do in this case is to try to suppress your feelings, not voice every thought you have to your boyfriend (he will get sick of your insecurities one day, trust me) and to have a group of supporters to talk to so you can vent with them instead of twisting reality and confronting your boyfriend all the time. Of course I'm sure psychological therapy also helps too but I've never been in any of those. I've definitely read books about jealousy and insecurities but it hasn't really done much for me...

[skittles66]

I have trust issues with anyone because of what I went through in my childhood. I met this man and feel head over heels for him and was to my amzmaement trust him completely. When we finally together I couldn't be anymore happier. But he has a kid with his ex. We have been together for two yrs. He still texts his exs even if it isn't related bout his daughter. They send pics back and forth when I asked him to stop he told me that he would text her when and about whatever he wanted to. Recently I checked his phone and found a message from her stating ( that if he doesn't stop kissing and hugging her like that he is gonna have to go back home to her). I love this man I just wondering if I should let this go or not