Mike Posted November 17, 2000 Share Posted November 17, 2000 I read the post about the guy ditching his friends because of his chic. And I was wondering.... Is it OK for your gf to be the "center of your world"? I mean, I feel it should be that way. She's your partner and your best friend. You share everything with her. I think partner's happiness should come first in your life. Let me know what you all think...it's just an interesting topic. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted November 17, 2000 Share Posted November 17, 2000 YOU ASK: "Is it OK for your gf to be the "center of your world"?" The kitchen is the center of my house, but I also use the living room, bedroom, and bathroom. As far as I'm concerned, the bathroom is most important because it keeps me from soiling the rest of the house. So even though I don't actually obsess about the bathroom, it truly becomes the center of my universe when I need it really bad. I think it is great to have someone special who is the most important person to you in the world...single or married. But you set yourself up for many social and psychological problems if you make her the center of your world to the total elimination of all other people, friends, activities, etc. In the beginning of a relationship, it is pretty natural to become highly focused on the other person...and just forget anybody or anything else exists in the world. But if that attitude drags on for a long time, it is pathological. Friends are forever. They are a treasure that make life's tough road much easier to bare. Their love for you is generally far less conditional than a lover's, although not quite as exciting. Friends love you regardless of how you look, how you dress, how much attention you give to them, how much money you make, whether or not you are rich or poor, etc. Whether or not we want to admit it, the love of a lover is conditioned upon many things. If it wasn't, love affairs would all last a very long time. So, to answer your question, it is OK to make your girlfriend the center of the world...depending on the degree. If you eliminate all other people from your life and appear to be arrogant about doing that, if there's a break up don't hold your breath waiting for friends to run to your side to comfort you. I have a friend who is a grief counsellor. She has told me several times that the most difficult and pathetic cases she has are those who have sustained the death of a spouse of many years. Most of them had excellent marriages and were extremely happy and dedicated to each other...and that's what made the loss so intense, painful and tragic. Nothing is forever. Honor your friends...and if your girlfriend balks, put her in her place, even if it's slightly off center. Link to post Share on other sites
Yumi Posted November 17, 2000 Share Posted November 17, 2000 No matter how much you love your girlfriend, do NOT forsake your friends to spend 24 hours a day with her! There is ALWAYS a chance that you will break up or that something will happen to seperate you, and if that happens after you have alienated all your friends, then you will be not only heartbroken but alone. My best friend in the world used to confide in me all the time. We knew we could trust each other with anything. Then she told me she was a lesbian and had a girlfriend--okay, great, I thought, now I have two good friends. The three of us did things together, the two of them obviously did things together, and I still got to see my friend seperately. Then things changed. We actually all live together now, and because they are around each other ALL the time, I never get to talk seriously with either of them anymore. They are rude, making out in front of me, fondling each other in public, and I don't want to go anywhere with them because they make it VERY apparent that they are "together" and I am "apart." I am there because I have a car and I know it. After our lease is over I doubt we will remain friends. It's not just me either, my friend has basically told her family that she doesn't want to be with them, has alienated her old friends from high school, refuses to get a job and makes no effort to have a social life. They do NOTHING apart. It HURTS single people, people in long distance relationships, people whose relationships are not so obsessive, to see their friends always joined at the hip, or the mouth, or the breast... It makes me feel like they are a complete unit and I am incomplete and flawed... If I did not live with them I would not ever want to be around them. As it is I end up driving aimlessly a lot just to get away from them! This is not an isolated case--if you alienate your friends, you will be totally alone if your relationship ever ends, you will have no one to ask for advice or to confide in when you have problems in your relationship, you will be at home alone and bored when your girlfriend decides that SHE is going to have a life beyond just you one of these days. Don't expect any normal person to be able to devote their life 100% to you, and don't expect the rest of the world to accept it, because it is rude, stupid, selfish, and bordering on dangerously obsessive. Even people who are married have individual friends, jobs, hobbies, and lives. Link to post Share on other sites
Heather Posted November 17, 2000 Share Posted November 17, 2000 Okay, I do agree, but my situation is a little different! I was 16 when I got pregnant with my daughter (18 now) when my life changed, so did my friends. I was not able to party with them like before so they decided (not me) that we would become aquaintances (sp?). It hurt, and still does because I am 18 years old and I don't really have any "girl~friends" to talk to or hang out with! I am very comfortable with my relationship and we like spending all our time together! We have mutual friends that we hang out with together. He has one male friend that he can talk to about things but, most of his "friends" weren't really friends they were drug buddies. He does not want to hang out with them anymore because they will bring him down. (He is in jail, on work release~can't mess up!) I would say that the most important people in his life is myself, our daughter, and our unborn child! This also goes for myself. They are definitely number one in my life! I still miss my friends alot! They will always be my friends even though we have very minimum contact, and I will always love them dearly! I wish it could be different, I miss having a girl~friend to talk to! But I can always talk to my fiance about anything, and everything as he is my very best friend! I have my sister to talk to, but she is only 15 and has her own friends to hang out with. I also have my mother, she is also my very best friend! I just wish I still had my friends to hang out with and talk to but, most of them are single, no kids etc. I especially wish I had them at this time in my life, while my fiance is behind bars! What can I do? I don't have a lot of time to get out because I am a full time mother and I am pregnant. So what could I do? Thanks for the support, this is a very good topic! ~Heather Link to post Share on other sites
Heather Posted November 17, 2000 Share Posted November 17, 2000 Okay, I do agree, but my situation is a little different! I was 16 when I got pregnant with my daughter (18 now) when my life changed, so did my friends. I was not able to party with them like before so they decided (not me) that we would become aquaintances (sp?). It hurt, and still does because I am 18 years old and I don't really have any "girl~friends" to talk to or hang out with! I am very comfortable with my relationship and we like spending all our time together! We have mutual friends that we hang out with together. He has one male friend that he can talk to about things but, most of his "friends" weren't really friends they were drug buddies. He does not want to hang out with them anymore because they will bring him down. (He is in jail, on work release~can't mess up!) I would say that the most important people in his life is myself, our daughter, and our unborn child! This also goes for myself. They are definitely number one in my life! I still miss my friends alot! They will always be my friends even though we have very minimum contact, and I will always love them dearly! I wish it could be different, I miss having a girl~friend to talk to! But I can always talk to my fiance about anything, and everything as he is my very best friend! I have my sister to talk to, but she is only 15 and has her own friends to hang out with. I also have my mother, she is also my very best friend! I just wish I still had my friends to hang out with and talk to but, most of them are single, no kids etc. I especially wish I had them at this time in my life, while my fiance is behind bars! What can I do? I don't have a lot of time to get out because I am a full time mother and I am pregnant. So what could I do? Thanks for the support, this is a very good topic! ~Heather Link to post Share on other sites
My two cents Posted November 17, 2000 Share Posted November 17, 2000 Hi Mike, If you are in a committed relationship with another person then you should be extremely considerate of them and their feelings with anything that you are and do. Should that person be the center of your life? In my opinion, NO! The fact is, there is more to life than your partner. Most people also have other very significant people and things in their lives such as religious beliefs, children, parents, work, siblings, and friends at varying levels of closeness. Oh! And did I forget to mention the MOST important person living on this Earth - YOURSELF. The only person/thing in this world you are really accountable to is yourself and/or your God. I realize that many people will disagree with me on this subject. As with anyone else who may respond to your post, my opinion is based on my life experiences. I don't know how old you are or what your experiences have been. Everyone must determine their own "center" and redetermine it as their life changes. Some examples of what people use for their "center"; religious life, spouse or significant other, children, work/job/employment. And that works fine, that is, unless one is betrayed or feels let down by their center". If/when something happens to your "center", you must wade through the devastation to reclaim and redefine your life. Most people would prefer to live balanced and stable lives with the ability to effectively deal with it's inevitable changes. The only way to do that is to have a balanced "center". Many peoples lives are "off center", maybe even mine. Having said that, I want to say this again: If you are in a committed relationship with another person then you should be extremely considerate of them and their feelings with anything that you are and do. Link to post Share on other sites
Deejette Posted November 17, 2000 Share Posted November 17, 2000 It is not a good thing to forsake your friends when a love interest enters your life. I have seen this happen too much with girlfriends that only come around after they have broken up with someone, and as soon as they meet some new guy, they forget their friends again. This is not admirable and does not make me think much of them as friends. It is clear that some guy has more value to them than a girlfriend who has been with them through the years. Link to post Share on other sites
Jodie Posted November 18, 2000 Share Posted November 18, 2000 Hi Heather, I have been following your story, and I would really encourage you to try and make some new friends. While you probably are very realistic when you mention your previous friends, as their lives are at a different stage than yours, there are lots and lots of women at the same stage as you are in life (ie. with young children). Perhaps you could join a new mother's group, or a playgroup with your 2yo. You and your partner obviously have something pretty special, but you can't be everything to each other all of the time. Sometimes it is just wonderful to have a good girlfriend to relate with, especially when you are a new mum. Just think what a wonderful support good friends could be at the moment, considering your difficult circumstances at present. Heather, I wish you all the best, you are a remarkable young lady. Be strong, and keep thinking positive. Good luck with the new baby too. Link to post Share on other sites
Mike Posted November 19, 2000 Share Posted November 19, 2000 Maybe I'm sendin the wrong message. When I mean "center of the world", I'm saying if it comes to something important or it's something that really matters to them, my significant other would most definitely come first. Like if on "poker night" with the boys she were to say "I really had a rough day and I need you tonight", I'd put her first. Maybe my priorities are screwed up. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted November 19, 2000 Share Posted November 19, 2000 Yes, yes, by George, I think you've got it!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Yumi Posted November 20, 2000 Share Posted November 20, 2000 I agree that your situation is probably different from the ones I was referring to. Obviously if you have children then you need ot devote more time to your family. But they are your family not just some guy you're dating... and since you are engaged and have children with your fiancee, you can count on him being a part of your life for a LONG time. Most people who are just dating, however, still need to keep ties with their friends strong, because that relationship is not yet "for life." That being said, I agree with the other people who answered too-- there's no reason you can't make friends! I'm sorry your old friends ditched you, that wasn't very nice of them at all! But since you have less in common with people your own age now, why not try meeting other women with children the same age as yours? I was born when my mom was fairly young, but she became friends with my friends' mothers, even though most of them were slightly older. Now most of her friends are older than she is, but she's 41, so the age difference doesn't seem like much. Having children and similar family situations gave them soemtihng to talk about and lifelong friendships formed.... You should be able to do the same! ^_^ Good luck with your family AND friends! ^_^ Link to post Share on other sites
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