should I break it up or wait until he is ready?

[marriagewonder]

Hi,

 

I would really appreciate your comments.

 

I have been with my bf for over two years, but the first year, we were long distance though seeing each other casually. We are both in our 30s.

 

We have been getting very serious for the last 1 year and 4 months. It has been very good, spending lots of time together. I know he loves me very much. We had a big issue a few months ago, but we have managed to work things out (this was not cheating).

 

My problem is that I want to be married and have children. I am realistic and I know that the clock is ticking. I do not feel that I have to marry him, but I do want to get married.

 

My concern is that if after all this time, we are not ready to get married, would we ever? should I break up with him and find someone else who wants to find Ms. Right and get married? I hear of many women who have to pressure their bf to eventually get married. I do not want to do that.

 

We have discussed it, and he does not think he would be ready in a year - no, I have not asked that way. He has volunteered that timeline. He just does not know. I know that he is not dragging our relationship. We have had issues and it is a major decision. In his mind, if he is going to live another 50 years in theory, what is the big deal waiting to make sure it is the right decision.

 

I think his main concerns are exclusivity, privacy, which I can understand. I wish he would want to discuss it and would bring it up sometimes to make me feel like at least our relationship is going somewhere. That has been part of my problem that I feel our relationship is stagnant.

 

I do not have any signs that we are moving forward. He loves me..I know..he is great to me..yes, but I want more, words are not actions. I have brought it up but he seems uncomfortable, and I do not think he cares to discuss or deal with it. I respect his decision and I see his point about time, I am not saying he is wrong about it. He needs to be ready for marriage with or with someone else, and he is not at that point.

 

I just do not want to spend 5 years waiting, then he decides he does not want to get married and I have to start all over, that much older. It stinks...but we do have a clock.

 

So, do you think I am rushing by thinking about breaking things up with him or I should patiently wait until he is ready as he is a nice guy? How should approach this as I do not want to pressure him or give him an ultimatum. I have giving him hints that I have a timeline in my mind..as I do not want to break up with him one day wihtout him being aware that there was even an issue.

 

What do you think?

 

Thank you!

[swtbonita]

i think you have to ask him why he isn't ready for marriage.. is it for financial reasons, or because he isn't sure about the relationship (isn't sure you are the one), maybe he doesn't want to get married, maybe he does see a need to get married when he has everything he wants.. ask him is he wants kids because if he does then he might want to get married.. if he doesn't maybe thats why he is postponing marriage..

 

i think the two of you should be financially ready and now what you want to be able to realize if you two want to spend the rest of your lives together.. if i were you i would ask him alot of questions.. you have to talk about it.. tell him what you see in the future and ask him what he sees.. you need to know where he stands and what he expects from you in the future.. if he just says he needs time to take that step but he realizes you are the one then i say stay with him.. but if he gives you an excuse saying that he is unsure or that he likes the way things are, then i don't think he would be ready to get married anytime soon..

 

I'm only 23 but me and my bf know we want to get married.. i just want to finish school thats all and if i finished school already i would ready be married.. i know i want to be with him, vice versa.. we want to have kids.. we want to be there beside each other everyday.. So you have to ask him why he is not ready.. and base your decision on that.. personally if my bf said he wasn't ready i would be thinking that i would be wasting my time with him because I want a family.. If he didn't want what i wanted in life, I couldn't be with him..

[NatoPMT]

Hi marriagewonder

 

my advice to you is to carefully consider why you want to get married. if you want it to fulfil your dream, to secure your future, to sate feelings of insecurity, etc, maybe you dont need it as much as you think you do. can you be happy in the here and now? if you feel he is the right one for you, you dont NEED anything more than that at this time - if its (for eg) due to insecurity about the future, you are pushing him for an invalid reason and it would be your doing if he was pushed right out of the door. give him time and dont push this or it could pressure him too much, and if you force an issue before its ready to be forced, you could end up with the outcome you were trying to avoid. He may, however, agree for the wrong reasons and you may have additional issues to cope with as a result, he may feel trapped or like his needs have been ignored to make way for yours. he may feel the responsibility of having to give you what you want too much. people may well pester their way up the aisle, are they the ones that get divorced? no idea.

 

you dont sound particularly like youd do that, but....

 

I wish he would want to discuss it and would bring it up sometimes to make me feel like at least our relationship is going somewhere. That has been part of my problem that I feel our relationship is stagnant.

 

The more you want to discuss it, the more he doesnt. i dont know how often you are initiating this conversation, or how you do so, but maybe give yourself a time limit to not mention it at all, say 6-8 months, relax, enjoy each others company, take the pressure off both of you and then come back to it when hes had a reminder of why you are together in the first place, not the goal (ie not that we are together to eventually marry & have children, but the reason you got together). this gives him space for feelings to develop

 

the danger with this is that he may feel that you can move along day to day with no question of the future coming up again, if thats the case, then its maybe time to move on after your period of no pressure. the best case is that he in a more relaxed atmosphere can let his intentions develop naturally, as opposed to being cultivated.

 

perversely, i read recently that men have a viseral need for freedom, however, they feel undervalued in a relationship if a woman doesnt try to shape him how she wants him to be.

 

if you want to get married as you want children v soon, you may have to rethink your options. him not wanting children is as much of an incompatibility as anything else.

 

BB

[katie79]

Just talk seriously about it. But be serious, don't nag. Before you do this even, evaluate he HE is the one for you. I know you are in your 30's and want kids, but you want kids from a husband you adore, don't make him your local sperm bank depositer. Unless you are in love with him and WANT to marry him, it's up to you to have a serious discussion with him. The next step is to decide right there on the spot if he is worth staying with if he is not interested. Do you think he'll come around and change his mind about you in a timely fashion? If the answer in your gut and heart is "no", then use this time to find a mate of which can be a partner who can make a commitment to you in a timely order. When a woman ponders over her bf's hesistation to marry her, she is also wasting her time to meet other good men. Remember hon, YOUR TIME IS VALUABLE TOO. Too many women forget that. I got news for you too, when the situation is reversed, and the gf wont make the commitment, men are deeply hurt, but they leave. When a man realizes nothing is going anywhere too exticing, he leaves, and doesn't feel bad about dropping her like yesterday's dirty laundry. Think about this. Is this how you imagine "the ONE" to act--or not act for the sake of arguement, about marrying you?

To be honest, I think the fact that we're all on here is bad news. All us women should just dump our bf's and find new ones. We could probably do a lot better and find someone who wont make us as miserable. LOL!

[marriage wonder]

Thank you for your comments.

 

First, no, I do not know if I want to marry him yet, but I am seriously thinking about. A few months ago, I wanted to, but his attitute made me reconsider everything again. I am smart, professional, in good shape, and guys are often asking me out. He knows that. He is a nice guy, but women never ask him out. I feel that I am a very good catch, and I do not understand his hesitation.

 

No, it is not an economic issue. We are both comfortable on that side. Neither of us have children, but we both want them. He would like to get married one day and have children.

 

He says that he is 95% sure he wants to marry me, but his hesitations are lack of privacy (we do not live together) and never to sleep with someone else, which is funny to me since he has not been with that many people- less than a dozen. He is not ready mentally and he does not think he wants to rush things. These are the two he has mentioned..and I do not know if there is somehting else. Either way, he does not feel ready for it.

 

I am giving up on bringing it up. I made him aware that I have a timeline. I have tried to discuss with him how I felt. I even suggested moving in together, and he did not want that either. To me, unfortunately, he will not be ready for my early 2005 timeline of moving somewhere. He never brings this up all. I think he thinks that if we donot talk about it, it is not in mind. Some men do not like to deal with uncomfortable issues. Well, I have tried, and I do know that there are many other men out there I could date and could be ready to find Ms. Right. I would feel better if he would ever bring it up and discuss. I do not want to pressure him, I rather never be married than marry someone after pressuring that person. We are adults and all the time we have been together, my opinion is that he is not ready to marry ME...it is not about marriage..though he says that is not true. It does not hurt me. I would be perfectly fine if he say that he did not want to marry me, because I know that there are other people out there. I just want to know and move on.

 

I will wait a few months, but I will cut things next year if nothing changes.

 

Thanks again

[NatoPMT]

Hi again MarriageWonder,

 

His reasons for not marrying you are reason enough for you to move on. Now I have heard a few more details, I’m thinking he wont give you anything at all, and you’ve gone into more detail about his reasons – and they make me suspicious that he’s a commitment phobe.

 

Economic reasons are damn good reasons not to get married from a man’s perspective, I believe that if a man feels he’s not secure enough, he cant provide for his family to be, and that’s an ‘honorable’ reason that can (hopefully) change with circumstance and dedication. However, to cite ‘lack of privacy’ and ‘never sleeping with someone else again’ smacks of a complete lack of maturity, plus no understanding of what your relationship should be now. He’s holding back, hes got a case of the always-looking-for-something-betters, and the ironic aspect is that from what you say, hes unlikely to find that, but with commitment-phobes, that irony is lost. A problem with open ended excuses is that they may not and possibly will not ever change. You don’t have a time limit, you don’t have any promises. Lack of promises mean for him the security that he wont ever have to make a decision.

 

He wont move in with you, hes in his thirties!!! What’s he scared of? Your presence preventing him from meeting ‘someone better’? That’s what it sounds like. You say ‘my opinion is that he is not ready to marry ME...’, hes not ready to marry anyone – its not you, its anyone – and in that respect, its cant make you feel good as you are effectively just ‘anyone’. No matter who you are with, there is always someone ‘better’, but when you make a connection and fall in love, you should make that decision to forgo anyone else – he must not only consider marriage this way, but dating also. Is he with you because those other women don’t ask him out. You get asked out and turn other men down, would he do the same for you?

 

The privacy comment is just another way of saying he cant/wont give you his all. Does he think you’ll be hacking his email and digging in the cellar looking for his S&M stash? He’s not giving you credibility to be a decent, respectful person who knows what a fellow human’s limits are. Seeing as you don’t live together and your relationship has lasted 2 years, id imagine you aren’t the sort of person that demands to know unreasonable amounts of information from the deepest recesses of his mind. In that case, it’s just an excuse he’s fabricated to ‘create’ a reason for non-commitment.

 

‘I know that there are other people out there. I just want to know and move on’ – I recommend you do this regardless, from what you have said, there’s not a great deal else to know. You deserve better than this, go and get it.

 

I hope I haven’t been too harsh, and I hope whatever you do it works out just fine.