More Struggles with my Mother

[venusianx13]

Posted recently about how I cannot confide in my mother without her telling others (namely, my father, but I suspect she tells others as well). I got into a bit of a conflict with her last Thursday, and she said some really nasty things to me (name calling, and such). I didn't bring it down to that level, although I did yell...I do wish, however, I was just able to walk away, as it all would have turned out much better.

 

We are supposed to talk tonight, but one thing I cannot wrap my head around is when people deny ever having said certain things. I stood there, while she dished out some really nasty things, and I cried... only moments later to deny ever having said those things. Can someone really, in the heat of the moment, forget having said things? This drives me crazy because, well, I know she said them, and she will deny having said them, up and down. I don't even know how to talk to her tonight if she won't admit things she said... anyone have any experience with this kind of thing? My mother is notorious for this and it's maddening.

[WhatYouWantToHear]

My mother is notorious for this and it's maddening.

 

Snakes are notorious for being posionous. I usually don't try to kiss them.

 

Stoves are notorious for being hot. I usually don't put my bare hands on them.

 

Knives are notorious for being sharp, grenades are notorious for being blow-uppy, drunk drivers are notorious for being crashy, etc. etc. At some point you have to take responsibility for the information you give her. You know its likely going to be shared or used against you. When you expect a crazy person not to be crazy, you're the craziest person of all.

[Radu]

Posted recently about how I cannot confide in my mother without her telling others (namely, my father, but I suspect she tells others as well). I got into a bit of a conflict with her last Thursday, and she said some really nasty things to me (name calling, and such). I didn't bring it down to that level, although I did yell...I do wish, however, I was just able to walk away, as it all would have turned out much better.

 

We are supposed to talk tonight, but one thing I cannot wrap my head around is when people deny ever having said certain things. I stood there, while she dished out some really nasty things, and I cried... only moments later to deny ever having said those things. Can someone really, in the heat of the moment, forget having said things? This drives me crazy because, well, I know she said them, and she will deny having said them, up and down. I don't even know how to talk to her tonight if she won't admit things she said... anyone have any experience with this kind of thing? My mother is notorious for this and it's maddening.

 

Yes, it can happen during extreme anger.

It is also an indication [if she indeed forgets] that she has serious emotional problems.

 

What i would do is record the conversations i have with her.

Then play her back the recording.

 

If she still denies it, cut her out of your life.

Or you could always just cut her out of your life, do the same for your entire present and future family, and refuse to have anything to do with your father [he sounds enabler-ish from other posts].

 

Quite frankly, if these were insults, she is abusive.

And your father is helping her.

 

PS: I have a grandma that even before she was senile she would do things like this.

[marianne123]

find someone to confide in who you can trust and just keep the general day to day stuff available for your mother. It must hurt to think she is behaving this way; is she like this with anyone else? any other members of the family?

[venusianx13]

Thanks, everyone...

 

Yes, Radu, there were insults. I know there wasn't really an ounce of truth to them, but being that it was my MOTHER saying them, relentlessly, it hurt a lot. Even when I began crying and asked her to stop, she continued. I was a mess the rest of the day. I wish, wish, wish I wasn't so sensitive.

 

My situation is such that I rely on my mom for after-school care a couple of days a week. Her job is just a mile or so from my son's school. (The fight wasn't in front of my son, thankfully).

 

When I spoke with her, she did not apologize, really... instead, she made justifications for her actions. My father mentioned to me what happened this week, and told me that I need an "attitude adjustment." Why? Because I did not argue with my mother or in turn dish out reciprocal insults to her? I really didn't. I became upset, overwrought; that was the extent of it.

 

I have decided to stay away from my parents as much as I possibly can. The child-care thing will have to remain intact until next school year, unfortunately. I have no other options right now (none that I can afford, at least).

 

It's very hard for me to label my parents as abusive...because they have done good for me, and for my son. However, at this point, yes...I'd have to agree. I am in search of a new therapst; I "broke up" with the lady I'd been seeing. She was a lovely spiritual person, but in the two months I saw her, we not once examined any of the things I needed help with (troubles with my parents included).

[marianne123]

sounds as if your mother stretched the truth. I've been there with my parent too and haven't felt happy until I've sorted things out between us, thankfully my kids weren't around or involved when parent was alive.Oooh, that sounds so bad and I didn't mean for it to sound like that at all but know how too many cooks etc...... I look back now on all the bickering and full scale arguments we had and wish I'd have been more understanding to her and her generation, different, so very different to mine. I'm not saying that's what you should do but I think it will help to talk to someone with your concerns and as I said - keep it friendly but don't give away anything conversation wise that could possibly lead to a heated argument. Get her to do most of the talking; ask her questions, to prevent you confiding in her too deeply.