Break NC

[egalew]

I know the general rule is NC and only NC. However, as someone ever wrote a letter/e-mail to the ex-AP, expressing your hurt?

 

A friend of mine told me that her therapist advised "closure" and that most people never get it.

 

I feel that so many my relationships end with guy doing some sort of -hitty thing. I don't say anything or call them out. They waltz away. And then 3, 6, 9 months they pop up, as though nothing happened. To say something at that point, I feel is mute.

 

I don't want this happened with the ex, so am contemplating a closure e-mail.

 

Thoughts?

[bentnotbroken]

I know the general rule is NC and only NC. However, as someone ever wrote a letter/e-mail to the ex-AP, expressing your hurt?

 

A friend of mine told me that her therapist advised "closure" and that most people never get it.

 

I feel that so many my relationships end with guy doing some sort of -hitty thing. I don't say anything or call them out. They waltz away. And then 3, 6, 9 months they pop up, as though nothing happened. To say something at that point, I feel is mute.

 

I don't want this happened with the ex, so am contemplating a closure e-mail.

 

Thoughts?

 

Closure comes from within. When you walk away from a relationship in every way..nothing and no one can drag you back.

[promises]

I say do it. If you really are done, these are your emotions and you own them. He doesn't. Who cares. Send it.

 

The only negative to this is that he then knows you still care deeply. Anger is just as well as saying I still want you, sometimes.

 

Write it- put it away for a week. Take it out and if you still want to send it- do.

[egalew]

Really, I know getting back with him would be damaging and unhealthy. In the e-mail I drafted I stated: "No response necessary." And meant it.

 

But, I feel when these guys pop back up months later, they can act like they did nothing. And, to say something then, is like trying to correct a child for something they did days ago.

 

Still sitting on it.

[promises]

Really, I know getting back with him would be damaging and unhealthy. In the e-mail I drafted I stated: "No response necessary." And meant it.

 

But, I feel when these guys pop back up months later, they can act like they did nothing. And, to say something then, is like trying to correct a child for something they did days ago.

 

Still sitting on it.

 

Come to think of it, though, if you say anything he'll need to somehow get the last word in. It's how they work. So, by saying, "no response necessary", you know he'll respond. And it won't be closure for you after all.

[whichwayisup]

If I were you, I wouldn't send it.

 

Write as many letters as you want, but never send them. Writing out how you feel and all your thoughts is theraputic.

 

Right you're sitting on that note, not sure to send it..I say, when in doubt, don't!

 

He won't give you the closure you're looking for. What if he writes back something horrible to you? Or is mean? How would you feel?

 

Also, NC is in place for a reason. He may not want to hear from you, so breaking NC to tell him how you feel, in hopes he'll read your words, could set him back in his healing process, as well as yourself too. .

[ThatJustHappened]

Don't. You will regret it. I've sent those letters (never to an affair partner..just to a regular ex). Please believe me when I say that it DOES NOT FEEL GOOD. It makes you feel about a zillion times worse. Even if you say no response required, you'll still be expecting him to respond..but if he does you'll be angry and/or tempted by him, and if he doesn't, you'll be hurt and wonder why he didn't.

 

Please, I beg you, do NOT send this letter. You will end up hurting yourself even more.

[Silly_Girl]

Write your letter.

 

If you truly want closure, the write what you think his response to your letter would be. Do this as many times as you need. It's as heartbreaking as it is constructive. I thoroughly recommend it!

[skylarblue]

Why would you feel it's a mute point? My first thought would be to say "and where the hell have you been for 3,6,9 months?" I think that would be the perfect time for closure, letting him know his was (fill in the blank), and you didn't appreciate it. So, thank you for checking in, but you'd prefer he not do so again. Question: do you normally accept them back when they do (or do you mean just pop up in the general sense)?

 

I say don't send. I've been in the same boat as described by and agree with what ThatJustHappened said. In addition, when he responded his replies were never as I thought he should have which was another source of hurt and anger. I finally realized that the only consistent thing that happened when I texted him is that I always felt worse afterwards, and I was always upset with myself for contacting him the first place. Even at times when he would initiate the first contact, he would just drop out after I responded leaving me feeling baited and like WTF. I kinda felt like a pup getting whacked with a newspaper whenever I'd wee on the carpet. After enough whacks I finally learned my lesson.

 

Although, you say you feel it is a mute point to say something so long after the fact, I think you should wait to see if he tries to contact you again in 3-9 months. In the meantime, re-write the letter as you feel the need to as you progress through NC and hopefully emotionally. If he does contact you months down the line and you still feel the need for closure I think you should try to send your letter then. Hopefully, in the period of NC, that initial letter will be much different and show a much stronger side of you. Even better is if that time does come, you don't even feel the need to respond. BCS he never tries to contact you in the first place.

[egalew]

Thanks for all your responses, ladies. And, I do agree with your saying.

 

But, when these men just abruptly end the affairs, and sail away without saying anything, don't you feel like we're letting them off the hook? And, when they pop back up months later, they always try to do it in a tester / casual way, so they look innocent, should we say anything?

 

Case at point: Parted ways with a guy back in February. Took the high road, though he said some not so nice things to me. October, he sends a casual text: "Are you alive?...Where are you?" I ignore.

 

New Year's Day I get the Happy New Year's text. I respond: "Funny you should e-mail the woman you told ____. And yes, I remember _____."

 

His response: "Geez, just wishing you a Happy New Year."

 

I guess that's my issue.

 

Thanks, for listening.

[imperfectangel]

Don't do it - I've just had it this week and when I said he can't pick me and drop me whenever he feels like it he replied with "ok don't text me again then please thanks" needless to say I feel crap don't let this man do it to you

[skylarblue]

Thanks for all your responses, ladies. And, I do agree with your saying

 

But, when these men just abruptly end the affairs, and sail away without saying anything, don't you feel like we're letting them off the hook? And, when they pop back up months later, they always try to do it in a tester / casual way, so they look innocent, should we say anything?

 

Case at point: Parted ways with a guy back in February. Took the high road, though he said some not so nice things to me. October, he sends a casual text: "Are you alive?...Where are you?" I ignore.

 

New Year's Day I get the Happy New Year's text. I respond: "Funny you should e-mail the woman you told ____. And yes, I remember _____."

 

His response: "Geez, just wishing you a Happy New Year."

 

I guess that's my issue.

 

Thanks, for listening.

 

Your response: And I was just telling you that you acted like an ass h*le (or what have you) and I'm surprised you would contact me to tell me anything so don't contact me again.

 

(I mean if that's what you want)

 

Better yet, respond by not responding like you did in the beginning. Like in your example, he wanted to wish you Happy New Year. You got the text. Mission completed.

[whichwayisup]

But, when these men just abruptly end the affairs, and sail away without saying anything, don't you feel like we're letting them off the hook?

But you must have known going into this, knowing he was married and still choosing to have an affair, that this wasn't going to last forever. Sure, he should have ended it properly, but he didn't. Don't make that your whole focus here! Reality is, the A IS over and he's disappeared. Did you expect honesty and respect from someone who is a known cheater, a man who lies to his wife every single day? Why would he treat you better than his own wife?

 

Let go. Do your letters for theraputic reasons to make yourself feel better. Don't send them. He's not worth it.

[neveragain34]

The fact remains that they have waltzed out already and there's nothing we can do to take that back. Email or no email, they are still going to be let off the hook anyway. They cheat, their wives take them back...They are off of that hook and your hook. They had no feeling of guilt or remorse when cheating on their wives and they definitely didn't have it when they dropped us so easily. An email will not suddenly make them feel bad for hurting us and will only make you feel worse in the end. If he tries to come around in a few months as if nothing ever happened, then you will just have to continue to ignore him, remembering what a jerk he is and incapable of any real feelings or just tell him to f*** off.

 

Don't do it! Trust me; I'm learning that the hard way!

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

Don't do it - I've just had it this week and when I said he can't pick me and drop me whenever he feels like it he replied with "ok don't text me again then please thanks" needless to say I feel crap don't let this man do it to you

 

ugh this almost sounds like something mine would say. but mine would say this, then a few days later expect me to be fine.

 

i got a happy bday text from MM on Dec. 29th, then I hadn't heard form him AT ALL. Finally, today, I caved. I have seen him for 4 days at school and still, nothing. I was walking down my hallway today and he was at the end and he just like, glared at me. I just couldnt take it. I knew I didn't do anything wrong to deserve this, but I couldnt do it.

 

I texted "So you can say happy birthday but now you cant speak? I didnt do anything wrong."

He responded, to my surprise, saying "I have spoken to you. Wife started grad school and I'm finishing up my hours. been very busy. We are still cool." (Oh, we're cool? A few weeks ago you wanted to live together and have a baby.... but now..... we're cool?) omg.

I just said ok cool. He told me congrats on my season so far then said, talk with you later. i just said thanks. and he adds "Take care" ... which I hate!

So I just said.. "Is this your way of saying goodbye?"

He said, " If that was the case then I would say farewell... see you around."

 

I just. I hate him. And I'm always so surprised every time-- even a year later at his lack of feelings towards me. But hey, good to know i"ll get a freaking "Farewell" .. ugh. I'm so over it.

[veryhappy]

Don't send it if he hasn't contacted you recently. Wait for his next contact, if ever.

 

He won't transform himself in a caring, remorseful human being by reading your letter. If he behaved like he didn't care before, and was self-centered, that's how he'll be reading a letter.

 

I pulled an apology out of exMM and it helped temporarily. I know he wasn't really tortured, tossing and turning sleepless nights because of the remorse for what I consider he's done. I'm pretty sure he's his arrogant, naturally happy self back to his regular life. Is he off the hook? Oh, yes. Do I believe his W is getting royal treatment? I don't see how. He's been an a****** to her, and to me and that's a pattern. I don't see what changed. So I can live with him being off the hook, because I'm sure he'll make his life difficult at some point all by himself.

 

These man can't offer any closure. They only make things worse. Mine strived to be compassionate...unsuccesfully. After disappearing with the idea that he was getting a divorce he came back explain how amazing and durable his M is. He could fit me in for an A though on a much reduced schedule. What closure could I ever hope to get from such a human specimen?