Stages of adapting after NC commences?

[stevie_23]

I am currently wading my way through the horrible time of NC from my recent-ex online “husband”. We were together and deeply in love for almost 2 years. Stuff happened a month ago and he ended it. Walked away. Didn’t even tell me he was trying to move on. Left me hanging, thinking it was my fault (we’d had a brief fight the day before his NC started). He wrote a song, the first words of which were “It’s done”, about how our time had run thin and time was not our friend, but if we remembered we’d have our time again. Thanks for showing me absolutely NO respect and not telling me directly it was over.

 

Ugh. I wrote to him, asking WHY…he finally graced me with a proper direct reply, saying his wife had found out about us (yet again), he couldn’t live two lives anymore cause his new job made it too hard, and blah, blah. Whatever. I wrote again, but…nothing. That was 3 weeks ago. NC at all from him. Except he wrote another song called Meet Me In Your Dreams. About me again. *sigh*

 

Anyway, I have a theory on the stages of adaptation after NC commences.

 

Stage 1 – ignorance / oblivion

 

In my case, I didn’t know he had ended it and was moving on without me, because he had not TOLD me. I thought he was mad at me. I had no way of knowing anything that was going on so constantly expected and waited for him to contact me.

 

Stage 2 – the brutal realisation

 

This happened for me when I heard the song he wrote and then when he finally told me directly what had happened. I went numb…shaking, many tears, couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, kept dreaming of him coming to me and telling me he loved me, then waking up and feeling it hit me…nausea, chest pain, depression, constant tension. A neverending nightmare. I didn’t shower for a week and couldn’t focus on my work. Cried all the time. Could not believe the man who apparently loved me more than anything had left me and done it in such a cruel way, not even telling me.

 

Stage 3 – switching off (sometimes)

 

It’s too hard and draining on the mind and body to feel like you do in stage 2 for too long, so sometimes I was able to switch off a little. If I was around friends or family and HAD to act normal, it exhausted me but also distracted me for a while, which was in its own tiring way, a relief. I was able to sleep and in fact, it was the only time I felt ok again. I was slowly making myself eat more (I went from 130lbs down to 108lbs in stage 2) by forcing my mind to STOP THINKING, at least while eating. Lots of distractions in the form of reality TV shows aided this.

 

Stage 4 – noticing you feel a bit happier

 

I am in this stage now. It is sometimes peaceful, always introspective. I am trying to learn. I am trying to understand his motives and feelings. Not to excuse his poor behaviour, but to ease my own pain. I am able to appreciate and enjoy the happy memories of good times and also accept that even if he had not left me, things would never be as good as they were again, due to his wife and so many restrictions on his time and space. It doesn’t hurt so much to talk about this current bad time, which is why I’ve only recently joined this forum, to blab to my heart’s content. I still have vague hopes that somehow he might realise what a big “mistake” he’s made and come back to me. But at the same time, I call him my “ex” now, don’t I? I didn’t do that before. Couldn’t do it.

 

I plan to go on either Xanax or Prozac next week. I need something. I am doing better, but it is tiring to constantly have to avoid all quiet places (without distractions), to have to avoid listening to the radio in case a song that is even remotely emotional or love-related comes on, to avoid all sad or emotional movies on TV, and to have to stop myself from letting my thoughts veer back to anger and utter pain.

 

This stage also incorporates a regression back to stages 2 and 3 at times, but it’s brief, thankfully.

 

Stage 5 – I don’t know yet.

 

Someone else help out. lol

[whichwayisup]

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/337989-no-contact-nc-guide-long-walk-consolidated-discussion

 

Read the first bunch of posts by No Foolin'. Really do your best to stay in NC mode.

 

You say he was your 'online husband' or exH, did you ever meet him in real life or did all this take place online?

 

Anyway, his wife knows and he made a choice (and she helped with him with that, told him to end it with you and go NC) - to end it with you and focus on his marriage. If he wants his wife back, his marriage back, he is going to do what his wife asks of him.

 

Sorry you're hurting. Just for your own sanity, don't break NC!! Really read that link I put there, it'll help you.

[stevie_23]

Yeah, she’s found out 3 times before this too. They never discuss anything. She just takes the means away (the computer or the phone, for instance).

 

The first 2 times she found out, we didn’t really lose contact at all. He was just more careful and we devised plans to keep him safe.

 

The last time, it was more serious and he was knocked down by it for a while. He said he never intended to leave me though. He just needed to work out if he was able to still maintain our contact under the more intense restrictions and scrutiny of his wife now.

 

This most recent time…yeah. Too much for him now, I guess.

 

He has no desire to work on his marriage or re-commit to her. No interest there at all.

 

Oh, and no, we’ve never met in person. We have seen each other in videos. Heaps of daily videos we’d do for each other, just chatting to the other, walking around the house, driving, getting dressed, watching TV, everything to try to bring the other into our lives. We chatted online for hours, texted for hours, spoke on the phone, etc. If we’d had the money and either of us could leave our partners for fly halfway across the world, we would’ve met long ago and seen how it went and what happened with our future.

[whichwayisup]

Are you married or in a relationship?

 

2 years is a long to have an online fling, and not have it go anywhere. Don't you want a family of your own?

[stevie_23]

Yes, 2 years is quite a long time for an online relationship (he definitely was not a “fling”).

 

I don’t want kids, no. (I have 2 cats, that’s more than enough!)

 

We considered each other husband and wife. Spiritually married, and our true partner and soul mate, even though obviously we were not technically married of course.

 

We have never met in person, and this is only because he lives across the other side of the world, and neither of us have money to fly to visit, and mostly, because I can’t go there as my long term partner would be like “Why??” and HE can’t come here as HIS real life partner would be like “NO WAY!”

 

So…it was online / text only for that long.

[whichwayisup]

Yes, 2 years is quite a long time for an online relationship (he definitely was not a “fling”).

 

I don’t want kids, no. (I have 2 cats, that’s more than enough!)

 

We considered each other husband and wife. Spiritually married, and our true partner and soul mate, even though obviously we were not technically married of course.

 

We have never met in person, and this is only because he lives across the other side of the world, and neither of us have money to fly to visit, and mostly, because I can’t go there as my long term partner would be like “Why??” and HE can’t come here as HIS real life partner would be like “NO WAY!”

 

So…it was online / text only for that long.

 

Do you not feel bad for your long term partner? You were cheating on him, just like this guy was cheating on his wife.

 

Also, keep in mind that you may "know" this guy online, you don't know him in so many other ways..You only know what he's told you, and who knows if all of it was true, or exaggerated... You don't know him like his wife does, and he doesn't know you like your partner does. It seemed like an escape, a fantasy of what if's and it took away from your relationship at home with your partner, and took away from his wife too.

[stevie_23]

I know this. Believe me. I have felt HUGE guilt over my partner. He apparently has never felt any guilt over his wife though.

 

His wife does not know him. Full stop. He likes it that way.

[stevie_23]

No, I agree with you. It is of course at least a partial fantasy. Until people meet in person, it can only be that to a large extent.

 

I’ve had experience with online relationships and interactions and those feelings that come along with them. My real life long term partner and I met online too afterall, over 11 years ago. This is how I was able to even recognize what I was feeling about my ex when we got together almost 2 years ago. I realised I was feeling the exact same way as I had about my real life partner.

 

My real life partner and I were strictly online only for the first 9 months of our relationship. We didn’t even talk on the phone or send texts or do videos, like my ex and I did. So THAT was even MORE of a fantasy as it was much more restrictive in terms of the variety and method of “being together”.

 

Basically, my attitude towards my ex and that relationship was…we intended to SOMEHOW (don’t know how) meet and get together in real life one day, but for now, we just enjoyed what we had. Our feelings were real (no matter what they were based on, reality or fantasy) and WE were real, both in terms of our own respective person and lives, and us as a couple together.

 

And yes, we felt spiritually married, so we called each other husband and wife. Obviously we knew we weren’t actually married.

[To be or not to be]

Your story sounds almost exactly like mine but we took our emotional affair. It went physical for a few months and then went back to online/phone contact only after his wife found out. We had 2 d-days and she took his phone and computer. So he started using the kids ipod and she found out about that too but didn't take it from him. (dont understand that part)

The more stories I read, I beginning to convince myself we were ALL dating the same man! The similarities are astonishing! Is there a book they read on "How to cheat on your wife and screw everyone's life up"!?

[stevie_23]

You know what? At the back of my mind since I’ve been on this forum, I’ve been half wondering if I might run into someone else my ex was also with! Lol. But nah, I doubt it. I really do think I was the only one for him. And if he ever does fall in love with someone again (and it won’t be with his wife either), it’ll be quite a way down the track, and someone with whom he actually can truly BE with. Someone who is not 10000 miles away and someone who is not already with someone else, and maybe someone who is not 27 years younger than he is.

 

Anyway…yeah. It is hard. Everything is hard.