Mr.White Posted January 8, 2013 Share Posted January 8, 2013 I am a guy out of my first relationship and am planning to start a FWB with this girl I have only known for two weeks in state for holidays from an out of state university. She has gotten emotional with me (her feelings and her heart and told me she does not usually tell people) so I hope this does not mean she is looking for a relationship. She initiated physical contact but I did not feel comfortable going past just holding her, and her hand. What are your opinions and how would you introduce a possible FWB? (My first ever FWB if it does go through) Link to post Share on other sites
redleader Posted January 8, 2013 Share Posted January 8, 2013 Well, firstly an FWB is not something you can plan. This is simply a fact you must understand. The line between FWB and a committed relationship is a thin one and can take a lot of maturity to work. Most of them will be smoldering ruin by the end because someone either expected or demanded something else. You must accept that A. FWB means she is free to sleep with other dudes without you becoming either clingy or attached, and B. She doesnt owe you a damn thing if you both agree to this. Now, on friendship level of FWB if you both actually care about each other beyond getting laid, it will get more complicated. You WILL start feeling jealous and controlling, it is what you do with these emotional extremes that matters. Are you ready for that? If she initiated there is a chance she is more into you than just FWB, at which point asking her directly might destroy both of you as a thing. You can either risk asking directly, or just take it easy to begin with and see where it goes. Though if you are only interested in FWB later, TELL HER. If you do not and get involved, you will hurt her in the end. And yes you should feel like a dick if you do that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
NoMagicBullet Posted January 8, 2013 Share Posted January 8, 2013 (edited) I agree w/ Gru -- you need to bring up FWB before you start sleeping together and be clear about your intentions. Saying "I just broke up with my ex," and "I'm not ready for a relationship," is not enough. She may very well be looking for a relationship -- it's not right to just hope that she isn't and have sex with her and call it FWB because that's what you want. If you don't want a relationship, say so clearly, and like Gru said, establish the rules of it well in advance. Otherwise, someone (likely her, from how you described her) is going to get hurt. Edited January 8, 2013 by NoMagicBullet grammar 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr.White Posted January 9, 2013 Author Share Posted January 9, 2013 Well, firstly an FWB is not something you can plan. This is simply a fact you must understand. The line between FWB and a committed relationship is a thin one and can take a lot of maturity to work. Most of them will be smoldering ruin by the end because someone either expected or demanded something else. You must accept that A. FWB means she is free to sleep with other dudes without you becoming either clingy or attached, and B. She doesnt owe you a damn thing if you both agree to this. Now, on friendship level of FWB if you both actually care about each other beyond getting laid, it will get more complicated. You WILL start feeling jealous and controlling, it is what you do with these emotional extremes that matters. Are you ready for that? If she initiated there is a chance she is more into you than just FWB, at which point asking her directly might destroy both of you as a thing. You can either risk asking directly, or just take it easy to begin with and see where it goes. Though if you are only interested in FWB later, TELL HER. If you do not and get involved, you will hurt her in the end. And yes you should feel like a dick if you do that. Yeah I acknowledge that we both are still free to sleep with whoever we wish to with , and now I know she does not owe me anything. I do not have any feelings for her besides a friendship or a FWB. So I am ready then, I do believe she is into me more then just a FWB now that you mentioned that, which makes me sad knowing I will just hurt her now. Dam. Yeah definitely on the next date or time we happen to hang out and it gets physical I will mention to her that A) I just came out of a relationship and am single B) I want to stay single C) I do not want a relationship D) Only a FWB, if you do not want to be my FWB we should remain platonic friends I disagree with the above RE: a plan.... i would suggest that you do sit down, talk things through and get the plan sorted BEFORE any sex happens.... this is where a lot of things fall down... I've actually had a FWB for 6 years now... we didn't like each other enough to date - funnily enough we are not each others type... At the time, we both just wanted sex, so sat down, talked about it, came up with some simple rules and went from there.... it works well for us, as we stick to our rules, and we don't get emotional about it all... it's just some dirty, wild sex as and when the rules allow us... all good, sexy fun.... :D:D I actually have no idea if this girl has had sex or any form sexual activity before. I know she is in a sonority but it does not mean I can make assumptions of the stereotypical drunk college girl. I will take into consideration mentioning just wanting sex and making rules. I agree w/ Gru -- you need to bring up FWB before you start sleeping together and be clear about your intentions. Saying "I just broke up with my ex," and "I'm not ready for a relationship," is not enough. She may very well be looking for a relationship -- it's not right to just hope that she isn't and have sex with her and call it FWB because that's what you want. If you don't want a relationship, say so clearly, and like Gru said, establish the rules of it well in advance. Otherwise, someone (likely her, from how you described her) is going to get hurt. I have doubts a possible FWB will work now that I look back and how she got all emotional and then physical with me. :,( Link to post Share on other sites
NoMagicBullet Posted January 9, 2013 Share Posted January 9, 2013 ... Yeah definitely on the next date or time we happen to hang out and it gets physical I will mention to her that A) I just came out of a relationship and am single B) I want to stay single C) I do not want a relationship D) Only a FWB, if you do not want to be my FWB we should remain platonic friends ... I have doubts a possible FWB will work now that I look back and how she got all emotional and then physical with me. :,( I think you're doubts are spot on. Women rarely get emotional with men if they only want to get physical. But even with the ones who don't get visibly emotional, you can't expect that they only want the physical -- they may want more, but are holding back until they get to know you more and want to let things develop. Best to assume that all the women you meet will likely want more, unless they specifically say they only want sex, FBW, or whatever. Good things to tell this girl the next time you see her. Also good stuff to tell any woman you meet before things get physical, at least until you are ready for and want a relationship again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr.White Posted January 10, 2013 Author Share Posted January 10, 2013 I think you're doubts are spot on. Women rarely get emotional with men if they only want to get physical. But even with the ones who don't get visibly emotional, you can't expect that they only want the physical -- they may want more, but are holding back until they get to know you more and want to let things develop. Best to assume that all the women you meet will likely want more, unless they specifically say they only want sex, FBW, or whatever. Good things to tell this girl the next time you see her. Also good stuff to tell any woman you meet before things get physical, at least until you are ready for and want a relationship again. I do not have a problem telling her how I am single, want to stay single, and want to stay clear of any relationships at the moment. Would there be a possible easing way of introducing this information when it comes to the FWB part? The only way I see it is blunt. I have been thinking of how to ease the information but still getting to the point and the only way I see it is being blunt (which seems cold and repelling). Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 If she admitted to having feelings for you, I would *heartily* recommend against an FWB relationship; it will only give her hope for something more and ultimately she will get attached and you will feel like a heel for not being able to reciprocate. Recipe for disaster and drama....? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
givemeu1 Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 I had a FWBR for almost 3 years and my BEST guy friend and I made it a priority up front to tell each other that all it was, was SEX. That's all he and I both wanted at the time and I had no feelings beyond friendship for him in the beginning...see where this is going? Fast forward and I am madly in love with this man and wished I would have never let it go this far and ended up backing way off....8 months to be exact. No contact whatsoever. Well I gave into my heart again and thought maybe I can just make this work with no benefits to get that great best friend of mine back. Umm wrong! Although we established no benefits would resume because I was in love with him before our 8 month break and the feelings sorta died out...nope...the feelings came back full force even without sex, leaving me confused as hell. Not to mention, he can tell me he wouldn't hurt me a million times over and I still wouldn't believe him, because after I told him he still tried getting down my pants and had told me again that he didn't want a relationship :/ In saying that...you can establish ground rules until you're blue in the face, but the heart wants what the heart wants. I've tried keeping those feelings at bay but the heart is stronger than the mind. If she's already having some sort of feelings for you, don't break this girls heart. It's not worth losing a friend over. I'm hurt and will never get my best friend back. If I want sex sure I know where I can get it, but I don't see that happening. I was being used and now I see it for what it is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr.White Posted January 11, 2013 Author Share Posted January 11, 2013 Thank you all for your advice. I will talk to this woman, inform her of my intentions so I do not ruin what can be a great friendship and anything is possible in the future with her. Dam I really want to just have sex with her, but I think I should abstain from it with her at least so I do not cause her heartbreak. Once again LS brings me back to my senses. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr.White Posted January 13, 2013 Author Share Posted January 13, 2013 Today is the day, I had to re-read this forum to reinforce my choice of speaking to her. I sure hope she is free today! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr.White Posted January 14, 2013 Author Share Posted January 14, 2013 So she is not free today but next week she is. My friend (close guy friend of hers) told me that she thinks I am cool and that I am a 'chill' guy. He told me she is a slut (total positive in my POV) so a FWB could be very likely, but I am not sure on her emotions still. That is something I have to talk to her about. I told my friend about how we held hands and he totally got freaked out, so hopefully this is not a negative sign showing she has emotions. Will keep this thread updated. Link to post Share on other sites
Amanda001 Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 I am a divorced mother and I am in a somewhat "conditional" FWB arrangement at the moment. I brought up the idea the first time we had sex that same night. It had been a couple of months since I had finalized my divorce and I told him that I didn't want a relationship anytime soon, just great sex. He jumped on board right away. But I told him that I didn't want the conventional FWB thing in that I wanted to be exclusive sex buddies. I wanted exclusivity because of two main reasons. 1. I didn't want to have to compete with another woman for my FWB's time to have sex and 2. I wanted to have condom-less sex because I enjoy it more that way. He agreed and our arrangement has been great for about 4 months now. If you want my opinion, I would say that you should have the talk after you have sex for the first time. That way, you'll be able to see how compatible you two are sexually and you can give her a "sneak peek" to what she'd be getting later on. And if you are planning on setting some rules, make sure they are mutually agreed upon and that both parties are happy. Feel free to ask me any questions if you'd like Link to post Share on other sites
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