Feeling I am back at square one

[sinkerswim]

For those who dont know...my fiance/boyfriend of 8 years left me on February 3rd, saying he needed "space for a few days", after saying I was smothering him.

He was the love of my life...He never said goodbye, kept me hanging. After many attempts to write to him and calling him a few days..I always got "I dont know" for an answer. So I assumed it was over..but it was terribly painful. My depression was horrible. Ive been on 3 medications and seeing a therapist over all of this. Ive been feeling a little better lately..but always still hoping and praying I would get to talk to him again.

 

Well, last night I was in his part of town with my friends leaving my one friends house. I passed by his favorite pizza place and saw his car outside and him inside getting takeout. I HAD to stop. I had to go see him. It was time.

 

I walked in after hesitating and I think he was shocked as hell when he saw me...

I cant remember exactly what I said...I know I said Hi to him and how I was driving by...but I know he said to me..

"Renee, we said we were fine with this, its over"..

I have NO CLUE what he meant by ME being fine with this. He knew darn well that I wasnt. How could he kid himself?

Well, it was small talk..but I was crying a little bit the whole time..I was so overwhelmed by seeing him. I couldnt believe my fiance was standing in front of me again.

I asked why he did this and he said "I couldnt take it anymore"...

I said "With me being a nag?" and he wasnt really answering.

We made some small talk about things. I asked if I have done enough for him over the years and I needed to know this..

and he said "yes you have". Every once in awhile when I wanted to talk about what happened and if we can talk..he kept saying "no" or "I want to be left alone".

He has always been the type to avoid confrontation.

He always treated me like I was the only girl in the room and loved me so much... and now it was so painful that I couldnt sit and talk with him. Just small talk.

I asked if he wanted to come to my apartment and he said "no", I said how lost I have been without him the past 6 months. How much I love him...etc.

I told him I never got closure and that I still wear his ring.

He just looked at me...like he was feeling bad...but he didnt say anything.

I asked if I could kiss him and he said no. It didnt surprsise me, but I was soo upset that I shared so much with him for 8 years and now he was like a stranger...but yet he wasnt. Standing next to him was like I was never apart from him. It was weird..he was wearing the shorts I bought him last summer and wearing the shirt my mom bought him a few Xmas's ago.

He looked good.

 

Anyway..I started to cry really bad and I rubbed his arm and asked if there was any chance of him changing his mind and he said "I dont know". I told him that I will be always there for him.

I hope he realizes this. I told him he has all my info and he said yeah...

I rubbed his arm and said "I love you soooo much" and walked out the door.

I got outside and fell to the ground crying so bad.

I dont know if seeing him was bad or good.

 

I wanted to see him and Im glad I did...but did it set me back to square one?

Im so depressed today.

He wasnt nasty to me...I just dont think he wanted confrontation.

He answered my questions.

But I never asked if he hated me... I pray that he doesnt hate me.

Why would he want to be left alone?

He knows how good I was to him...I KNOW he loved me during our relationship. I dont understand any of this.

Im just very down right now.

Hes not a bad person. I forgive him for what he has done.

But I cant seem to grasp the fact that he may never be back in my life. I HATE THIS.

I miss him...I miss the stuff we have done..I miss our life together.

I hope and pray that he DOES have good memories of me and not just the ones where I was being a nag. Because him saying

"I couldnt take it anymore" is playing on my mind.

[overseas2004]

You are not back at square one at all. You just feel like that right now because you saw him last night.

 

Gosh I so wish you had been able to be a jerk to him. Really because he does not deserve the way you are so nice to him Renee. He never gave you closure after 8 years of a relationship. That is really really bad. And for you to turn around and beg him. That just reinforces his feelings of superiority and it also makes him want to run like hell. The next time you see him I would act like he barely exists. He doesn't deserve to see you cry.

 

You really have to continue with your life and soon enough you will see that everything will be fine. You are already much better than you were in February. All you have to do is keep going down that path.

 

Best of luck

 

Overseas

[Papillon]

You'll get over it, sweetheart. It's really tough in the beginning, and eight years is a looooong time. Most marriages don't even last that long.

 

My standard advice in this situation is: (I really should start writing these things down so I can paste'm in )

 

When you are in a long relationship, you lose your personal identity. You leave the "I" for the "Us". Now, the "Us" is no more, and you don't know who you are anymore, you're longing for the "Us".

 

You gotta put the "Us" to rest. It's dead but not buried. You have to rediscover the "I", and the only way to do that is to go out and do stuff, and meet new people.

[aFighter]

Even if you got your dream ending and you fell into eachother's arms, it will never be the same again. You'll always have the fear that he will leave. My advice & speaking from personal experiance, is to just move on. The more you think about them and dwell on what happened the more it's going to tear you up.

8 years...that's a long time to share with someone and for them not to be there anymore must be terrible but you have GOT to let go.

If he hasn't come back ny now, he's not going to.

I'm not trying to be mean but sitting around like this and pining is only holding you back from meeting your real 'Mr Right'.

[sinkerswim]

Thanks for your replies...

This is something I just have to deal with I guess. Its very hard for me...yes, Ive come along way since February...but that pain of who "WE" were together...and missing all of that...tears me up inside.

How can someone change and not love you anymore?

 

I just dont want him to hate me.

[Velveteel]

You can look at this last meeting as the closure you were seeking. He doesn't want to be involved with you anymore. It doesn't mean he hates you. It means he fell out of love, and thought he'd better run before he ended up married. This is a kind of blessing. You do not want to marry someone who feels anything other than incredibly lucky to be with you.

 

Be strong! You did get something you really, really needed: to see his face, to hear his voice, to hear the truth that it's over.

[Ybur]

Im reading your story and I am feeling your pain. It feels as if I am you standing right there asking him why and saying,"i love you sooo much". rubbing his arm...

 

You didnt do anything wrong. He doesnt hate you.

 

Its not easy. Just let it out, only time will heal you. Obviously, it hurts like hell right now but in a few months it will hurt less and less. In a few years from now you will look back and remember what transpired but the emotion will be dulled by the passage of time. The way forward is, if you can prevent it, not to see him or hear from him or speak to him at all. Its very bad seeing something and looking at it with so much longing and you just cant have it. Well, if you dont see it, if your not exposed to it, the better off you will be.

 

Cry it out, think about it, think about him so much that it makes you sick thinking about it, think about the hurt so much, in fact, think about it as much as you can! Confront your pain, in fact, make it a conscious effort(thats not very hard right now I assume) asks yourself all of the unanswered questions, go through it! Feel the pain, experience it, in fact make it a conscious effort to not forget to feel it, remind yourself of it! confront it head on so that after a while it just becames plain boring putting yourself through all of that again and you will eventually find your mind turning to other things. He will occupy your thoughts less and less. But do not mistake yourself in trying to enforce what is appropriate to feel right now or how you must feel right now and how you must act right now or how to keep yourself together etc... You are hurting, its O.K to hurt, its O.K to throw yourself on the ground and cry. In fact, do throw yourself on the ground and cry! Just dont let him see it!

[kgal]

Hey,

 

You seem like such a sweetheart....You really deserve, and you WILL meet MR. RIGHT! This guy may have seemed like "THE ONE" but who knows what GOD has in store for you!!! You have got SOOO much more ahead of you and you're going to see it all come to pass! Hang in there...and believe in yourself. Know that you aren't alone...the Lord is with you and He will help you through this time, just ask Him...and trust Him. I know what it's like to not have proper closure...I didn't get that either..and I can understand how painful that is...always just wondering...why he left...why he didn't believe in the love you once had. It doesn't make sense...but who says life does? Sometimes we go through things we don't understand....we meet people and they can make an impression in our lives....the next day they could be gone...but we still have to know that we are strong inside..and nobody can disturb that stability we have in ourselves.

 

I could just kick my ex sometimes...I blame him alot for how I've felt the past few months....it's easy to blame him...because then I don't have to confront my insecurities. I've had to rediscover alot about myself..and I don't think I'm done either.

 

Anyways.....I just want to encourage you...and know that you are strong, beautiful inside and out....you have what it takes to get over this guy....who by the way will seem like just a memory in time. He will...trust me...just let yourself heal, be strong and smile!

 

God bless!

[sinkerswim]

Wow..you guys have wonderful words of encouragement and I thank you.

It helps to come to a site like this and get some support.

 

I really appreciate it.

Yes, Im still depressed and still thinking why he couldnt just go somewhere and talk to me.

I guess he wouldnt have been with me for 8 years if he didnt love me.

But youre right..he fell out of love. Its very tough to say..but I guess he did.

 

I feel like Im at fault..because I was a terrible nag. Im more than sorry for ever being that way.

I dont want his memories of me to be all that.

[ojibwaywmn]

*Hugs* I can really feel your pain from that experience. I have been there. Actually, I think I am hitting the "last stretch" of recovering from a broken relationship. We really didn't haven't closure either (he was sneaking behind my back) and I know how hard that can be. For the longest time, I would be angry at myself for still loving him. Now I am understanding that love is never wasted. I know he didn't love me the same way I did for him. But now, I don't expect him to love me on my terms. Because then...it wouldn't really be love would it? So I leave it at that.

 

You saw your ex "by accident" for a reason. To get a sense of closure, and that opportunity came forth. I know what it is like to throw yourself on the ground/floor and bawl your eyes out. I did that sooo many times after our break-up. Talking to him is another indication that it is over. The truth can be excruciating at times. But it has to be faced head on.

 

I have been talking about my ex ad nauseum (sp?) with everyone around me. Now it is getting tired. You will get there eventually. Your relationship lasted 8 years. 8 years!! That's alot. So take all the time you need to grieve, get angry, get depressed, etc. Recovery is a roller coaster. You are going to feel great one day. Lousy the next. I still experience that, even though we broke about 1.5 years ago. But it is not so frequent now. So do whatever you can to release all that energy.

 

Take care of yourself. Only you know what's best for you.

[sinkerswim]

Thanks Oji...

yeah...this is definately the hardest thing I have ever faced in my life.

I never dreamed he would leave me...

 

I have so many nice memories of us. I just hope and pray he has good ones too. I hope me being a horrible nag (I have OCD) doesnt cloud the good memories.

 

Anyway..thanks again everyone for your words of comfort and advice.

I do appreciate it so much.

 

If anyone needs to talk just message me.