Husband acting like a 5 year old

[dogeared]

Hey everyone, I’m obviously new here, looking for some insight/wisdom/advice…I don’t want to talk to my mom or friends about this because I’m embarrassed by my husband’s lazy, selfish behavior, and I think it makes my husband look bad. I’m going to try to make this quick/to the point and not ramble too much, and I’m going to try really, really hard not to vent.

 

About 3 months ago I got a new job, at my husband’s insistence, for a higher salary and a better chance for raises/promotion. I loved my last job, and am miserable at my current job, but that’s another story.

 

We live in a city, and currently only have one car (as mylast car was a company car given to me by my employer). We are planning on buying a second car in the next year. One of the things I pointed out to my husband several times, and discussed at length with him when making the decision to leave my last job for my current one was the fact that we would become a one car family and would not be able to purchase another car for a while.

 

I now have a 1.5-2hour commute, one way, every day.

 

My husband takes the metro (he works in the city, about 2miles from home) – it takes him 30 minutes to get to work/home, including his walk to/from the metro. It’s NOT cold here, it’s not windy, and it doesn’t snow. When the weather is nice he rides his bike.

 

For the last month or so my husband has been texting/calling me every day before leaving work to see if I will pick him up (his office isnot on my way home, and I usually get home an hour to an hour and a half before his shift ends, so it’s not even convenient time-wise). My answer is obviously “Gee sorry hun, I’malready home”. Every day he texts me when his shift ends, whining about how he doesn’t want to get on the metro. Last week he left work early twice because someone whose shift ended 15 or 30 minutes earlier than his offered him a ride.

 

In the last 3 months I have picked up my husband a couple oftimes (like if I had a day off and he didn’t or something) – because of rushhour traffic it takes me at least 1 hour round trip to pick him up from work.

 

What is all this leading up to?

 

Yesterday my husband PRETENDED TO BE SICK so that after spending 4 hours in the car already, I had to leave the house in the middle of my work out to spend another hour sitting in traffic because he was TOO LAZY to spend 15 minutes walking home from the metro.

 

I’m glad that my husband is not sick. However…I’m pretty angry at his selfish,inconsiderate, lazy behavior. I’m also not happy that I have now set a precedent where he can get a ride home by pretending to be sick. Not sure what to do, now or in the future should this happen again.

Edited January 8, 2013 by dogeared

[jwi71]

Hey everyone, I’m obviously new here, looking for some insight/wisdom/advice…I don’t want to talk to my mom or friends about this because I’m embarrassed by my husband’s lazy, selfish behavior, and I think it makes my husband look bad. I’m going to try to make this quick/to the point and not ramble too much, and I’m going to try really, really hard not to vent.

 

About 3 months ago I got a new job, at my husband’s insistence, for a higher salary and a better chance for raises/promotion. I loved my last job, and am miserable at my current job, but that’s another story.

 

We live in a city, and currently only have one car (as mylast car was a company car given to me by my employer). We are planning on buying a second car in the next year. One of the things I pointed out to my husband several times, and discussed at length with him when making the decision to leave my last job for my current one was the fact that we would become a one car family and would not be able to purchase another car for a while.

 

I now have a 1.5-2hour commute, one way, every day.

 

My husband takes the metro (he works in the city, about 2miles from home) – it takes him 30 minutes to get to work/home, including his walk to/from the metro. It’s NOT cold here, it’s not windy, and it doesn’t snow. When the weather is nice he rides his bike.

 

For the last month or so my husband has been texting/calling me every day before leaving work to see if I will pick him up (his office isnot on my way home, and I usually get home an hour to an hour and a half before his shift ends, so it’s not even convenient time-wise). My answer is obviously “Gee sorry hun, I’malready home”. Every day he texts me when his shift ends, whining about how he doesn’t want to get on the metro. Last week he left work early twice because someone whose shift ended 15 or 30 minutes earlier than his offered him a ride.

 

In the last 3 months I have picked up my husband a couple oftimes (like if I had a day off and he didn’t or something) – because of rushhour traffic it takes me at least 1 hour round trip to pick him up from work.

 

What is all this leading up to?

 

Yesterday my husband PRETENDED TO BE SICK so that after spending 4 hours in the car already, I had to leave the house in the middle of my work out to spend another hour sitting in traffic because he was TOO LAZY to spend 15 minutes walking home from the metro.

 

I’m glad that my husband is not sick. However…I’m pretty angry at his selfish,inconsiderate, lazy behavior. I’m also not happy that I have now set a precedent where he can get a ride home by pretending to be sick. Not sure what to do, now or in the future should this happen again.

 

I'm not reading anything that says overly lazy to me here.

And from that I conclude that your resentment is beginning to color your view of your H and your M.

 

There are some real issues and your M is approaching a crisis. To make things worse I get the sense that Communication is going from bad to worse.

 

Seek MC. I think there are multiple issues intertwined and feeding off one another.

[dogeared]

Inconveniencing someone - and LYING in the process - who has a ridiculous commute because you don't feel like dealing with your own relatively easy commute isn't lazy, selfish, and inconsiderate? Frankly I disagree with you.

[shayla]

If it were me, I'd stop answering my phone. At some point he will have to grow up.

[jwi71]

Inconveniencing someone - and LYING in the process - who has a ridiculous commute because you don't feel like dealing with your own relatively easy commute isn't lazy, selfish, and inconsiderate? Frankly I disagree with you.

 

Angry much?

 

Stop blaming your H for YOUR CHOICES.

 

You chose to switch jobs, you chose to go get him - hey!! I'm detecting a pattern here....

 

If YOU don't like the outcomes of YOUR choices then make different choices

(and stop blaming others, namely your H, for what YOU choose).

[TaraMaiden]

I hate to say it, but I can kind of see where jwi71 is coming from....

"We teach people how to treat us."

 

dogeared - what is your "Payoff" here....?

 

Why do you suppose you continue to tolerate and put up with behaviour you tell us is unacceptable? What do you emotionally gain from acceding to his pattern?

What do you get out of it - what's in it for you?

 

And can you see how contradictory this sounds?

 

I don’t want to talk to my mom or friends about this because I’m embarrassed by my husband’s lazy, selfish behavior, and I think it makes my husband look bad.

 

You obviously keep up a 'front'. So in a manner of speaking, you are not only excusing his behaviour - but you're also endorsing it!

 

Perhaps, other than acknowledging - publicly - that his behaviour is unacceptable, you may like to examine why you feel it necessary to process this inwardly, and not make him face his responsibility.

 

What are you scared of?

Why is this so hard for you to stand up to?

[dogeared]

confronting him that he was faking being sick - and in the process either implicitly or explicitly calling him a bold face liar - doesn't seem like a good option to me.

[TaraMaiden]

Answer the questions.....

 

what is your "Payoff" here....?

 

Why do you suppose you continue to tolerate and put up with behaviour you tell us is unacceptable? What do you emotionally gain from acceding to his pattern?

What do you get out of it - what's in it for you?

 

What are you scared of?

Why is this so hard for you to stand up to?

[Els]

This seems fairly simple to me.

 

Explain to him exactly what you've said here: That you told him about potential transport issues when he was trying to convince you to change your job and he agreed with it. That you spend 4 hours in traffic a day and you should not need to spend another hour to fetch him when it takes him just 15 minutes to walk home. That you are not going to fetch him again barring extenuating circumstances. And that if he fakes one of those again, you're done.

 

TBH, I agree that he's being overly lazy and inconsiderate. There's no possible way I'd make my bf drive an hour to save me a 15 minute walk unless I seriously could not make the walk (sprained my ankle, raining very heavily, etc).

 

How did you know he faked being sick, btw?

[dogeared]

Angry much?

 

Stop blaming your H for YOUR CHOICES.

 

You chose to switch jobs, you chose to go get him - hey!! I'm detecting a pattern here....

 

If YOU don't like the outcomes of YOUR choices then make different choices

(and stop blaming others, namely your H, for what YOU choose).

 

My only point in bringing up my job is to make it clear that my husband, knowing he would have to ride the metro every day, strongly felt that that was not a big deal or sacrifice to make because he strongly felt making more $ was best for our family. It has nothing to do with resentment over him "making" me take a job I didn't want - he didn't.

[TaraMaiden]

About 3 months ago I got a new job, at my husband’s insistence, for a higher salary and a better chance for raises/promotion. I loved my last job, and am miserable at my current job, but that’s another story.

 

Had he not insisted, would you have even thought of moving?

Why didn't HE get a better-paid job?

[TaraMaiden]

dogeared, you DO realise what we're trying to do, here. don't you....?

[standtall]

1. Don't try to train your husband, it's not gonna work. The only thing you can do is train yourself. Plus your missing some details.

 

2. Please tell me you didn't tell him you think he is acting like a 5 yr old. That will just get him to do the exact opposite of what you want.

 

3. Are you an in shape, or out of shape couple? I would speculate out of shape...otherwise most men would look forward to the exercise...unless he is working in a coal mine. Also, You didn't mention the nature of his work? Is he digging ditches(a laborer), a carpenter, or has similar physically laborious job? He may be tired. If you are out of shape, then make an effort to get in shape with him. Most men will respond to a team effort...which is what marriage is all about.

Edited January 8, 2013 by standtall

[dogeared]

This seems fairly simple to me.

 

Explain to him exactly what you've said here: That you told him about potential transport issues when he was trying to convince you to change your job and he agreed with it. That you spend 4 hours in traffic a day and you should not need to spend another hour to fetch him when it takes him just 15 minutes to walk home. That you are not going to fetch him again barring extenuating circumstances. And that if he fakes one of those again, you're done.

 

TBH, I agree that he's being overly lazy and inconsiderate. There's no possible way I'd make my bf drive an hour to save me a 15 minute walk unless I seriously could not make the walk (sprained my ankle, raining very heavily, etc).

 

How did you know he faked being sick, btw?

 

I suppose that in order to be fair I should say that I strongly suspect he faked being sick, rather than declaring that he was faking. But, here are the events and my thought process:

 

About an hour before he was getting off work he texted me that he didn't feel that great. I dismissed this, because I've been feeling pretty under the weather lately myself - not really sick, but sniffly, feeling tired and run down, etc., so I thought maybe he's just fighting whatever it is that I'm fighting. He also had just complained about forgetting his gym badge so he couldn't work out after work. I was also predisposed to dismiss this as a fishing attempt to get me to offer a ride, given the last month of asking for one.

 

As a result, I ignored every single text he sent me over the next hour, as I had no intention of interrupting my day to go get him. His last texts were: "I'm gonna throw up :(" and after 15 minutes of me not responding "I can't make it to metro and walk home, I might throw up on metro". Which I also ignored - he feels like he's going to throw up literally the second he's done with work? What a coincidence. Then he started calling me, cell and home.

 

Because he was being so persistent, calling, etc., I thought that maybe I was wrong and he really was rapidly coming down with something. He's never bothered me like this before for a ride. The flu is going around and I know a bunch of people who are really sick right now. So, I finally answered. He kept saying he was so weak, could barely walk, pale and sweaty, no idea how he was going to get home, let alone manage to walk out of his building, he was going to throw up any second, feels like he's dying, etc.

 

When I pulled up to his building, what I noticed was he was standing leaning against the building hunched over his phone, exactly like he always is when I used to meet him for lunch or something. He seemed to be walking fine. He was not pale or sweaty, and looked exactly like he always does. So I started thinking that maybe I had been right in the beginning.

 

He didn't stop talking the entire ride home, just complaining about how terrible he felt, and how great I am for coming to get him. I asked if he had the flu; he said it didn't feel like the flu...but he also didn't think it was a cold, food poisoning, a stomach bug, etc. No one at work was sick or had the flu. Well, what do you feel like? "Like I'm dying" he says. Long pause. "Or maybe it's the flu." To which I said if he thinks it's the flu I should cancel my plans to have friends over this week. He insisted that I didn't have to do that. He had no plans of calling in sick tomorrow, because he probably just needs rest. He didn't want any flu medicine, Kleenex, etc. This type of conversation went on the rest of the way home.

 

I said I would make him some chicken soup and tea for dinner, since his throat hurt so bad, and he "felt like he was dying", and his stomach was so upset that he couldn't walk, etc...but all of a sudden when he saw that I was making him soup, and making a real dinner for myself he realized that he was actually starving, and he didn't think he was going to throw up anymore. Not only did he eat a full meal, he had seconds, then poured himself a whiskey.

 

He started acting completely FINE once we were home, and he kept saying he couldn't believe that he was already starting to feel better - but boy, from about 5:30 to 6:15 when I came to get him he really thought he was dying.

 

Sounds exactly like a 5 year old faking he's sick so he doesn't have to go to school, doesn't it?

 

I feel like he knows I think he's full of **** and/or feels guilty because he kept insisting that he would do every chore I tried to do last night, apologized that I didn't get to finish my work out, apologized that I had to sit in traffic for 5 hours, insisted he would make dinner, do the dishes, etc.; he asked me twice last night if I was OK, and then this morning texted me asking if I was mad at him about something, even though I was not acting mad. In fact, I can't think of one time that he has ever asked me if I was mad at him, or asked me if I was OK when I was actually mad or upset with him.

[dogeared]

Had he not insisted, would you have even thought of moving?

Why didn't HE get a better-paid job?

 

I'm not sure why everyone is so focused on my job. I already clarified why I brought that up.

 

But, yes, I was applying for other jobs of my own volition, so even though the one I was offered isn't what I wanted to do, I took it, because in case you hadn't noticed the economy is ****, the job market is ****, and I was lucky to be offered a job for as much as I was.

 

He makes six figures, so he has a pretty decent-paying job, IMHO.

[jwi71]

OP-

 

You seem really angry to me - and I doubt you aren't resentful. You just typed War and Peace over this whole faking the flu. Way too much detail for that to be minor I your mi d and NOT causing resentment.

 

Your posts just reek of it to me.

 

I would consider MC. I have a sense you two aren't communicating and it's causing some issues.

 

I would also consider buying a second car sooner. Sometimes marital harmony trumps fiscal reality in the short term.

 

I do NOT agree he is lazy - but certainly seems to be altering the terms you both agreed on with your commute. Thats an issue unto itself.

 

I hope you get the outcome you seek whatever that is.

[dogeared]

1. Don't try to train your husband, it's not gonna work. The only thing you can do is train yourself. Plus your missing some details.

 

2. Please tell me you didn't tell him you think he is acting like a 5 yr old. That will just get him to do the exact opposite of what you want.

 

3. Are you an in shape, or out of shape couple? I would speculate out of shape...otherwise most men would look forward to the exercise...unless he is working in a coal mine. Also, You didn't mention the nature of his work? Is he digging ditches(a laborer), a carpenter, or has similar physically laborious job? He may be tired. If you are out of shape, then make an effort to get in shape with him. Most men will respond to a team effort...which is what marriage is all about.

1. Train him to what? He can ask me every day for a ride home, and I'm fine turning him down every day. All I want are some ideas on how I should handle this issue. I'm concerned that it worked once so he will try it again. I'm reluctant to flat out say I think he was faking. That doesn't seem like a conversation that would go well. What's he going to do? Laugh it off, say "you're right" and apologize? I doubt it.

 

2. Obviously not.

 

3. We both work out, and are both very physically fit; part of why I'm kind of astounded he faked being sick to avoid a 10 minute metro ride and a 15 minute walk home, but I am indeed convinced that he faked it for that very reason. He does not have an active or physically demanding job...but even if he did, so what? We discussed the situation before making a decision, he agreed to being a one-car family for the time being. I don't feel like sitting in traffic for four hours every day, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm responsible for getting myself to and from work every day, just like everyone else.

[dogeared]

OP-

 

You seem really angry to me - and I doubt you aren't resentful. You just typed War and Peace over this whole faking the flu. Way too much detail for that to be minor I your mi d and NOT causing resentment.

 

Your posts just reek of it to me.

 

I would consider MC. I have a sense you two aren't communicating and it's causing some issues.

 

I would also consider buying a second car sooner. Sometimes marital harmony trumps fiscal reality in the short term.

 

I do NOT agree he is lazy - but certainly seems to be altering the terms you both agreed on with your commute. Thats an issue unto itself.

 

I hope you get the outcome you seek whatever that is.

 

Of course I'm mad! You're telling me you wouldn't be mad if your spouse, who is supposed to respect you, lied to manipulate you to do something that was inconvenient and unnecessary?

 

As far as whether or not he is lazy, I know there are two sides - just as an example a few years ago my husband complained to me about how his sister wouldn't pick him up from work to attend a class they were taking together. He thought since she was already in her car it was no big deal for her to go get him. He was really mad about it.

 

Later on, I heard her side - she couldn't believe that he wanted a ride every day when the class was three blocks from his work!

 

Yes, there are two sides, but I still think it's lazy behavior. I accept this behavior as the way he is - but when it inconveniences me to the extent that it did yesterday, I am not happy. If he was actually sick, that's a different story, but I don't think he was - which understandably leaves me feeling manipulated, and I actually think it's kind of insulting that he didn't even pretend to be sick once he got home. At least if he had done that I could accept that he really did need a ride home and he wasn't just playing me.

[TaraMaiden]

...And you still haven't answered my questions, I notice.....

 

I'm kind of thinking....

 

...If you can get this mad with us - why can't you get this mad with him?

[2sure]

He IS acting like a toddler. The two of you made the decision regarding the job change and transportation together. You accepted to spend 4 hours a day driving and he accepted taking the metro because it is convenient. But that's not what's happening.. You either have to pick him up or avoid picking him up daily. And as much I would not want to do more driving, it would be plan changing daily that bothered me , and even more....he is now changing everything about your joint transportation decision after the fact.

 

Sit down with him and talk about the arrangements again now that they are real. Pick him up once a week on a designated day. No more excuses.

[dogeared]

He IS acting like a toddler. The two of you made the decision regarding the job change and transportation together. You accepted to spend 4 hours a day driving and he accepted taking the metro because it is convenient. But that's not what's happening.. You either have to pick him up or avoid picking him up daily. And as much I would not want to do more driving, it would be plan changing daily that bothered me , and even more....he is now changing everything about your joint transportation decision after the fact.

 

Sit down with him and talk about the arrangements again now that they are real. Pick him up once a week on a designated day. No more excuses.

 

This sounds like a good solution. Thanks for the suggestion!

[Almond_Joy]

He IS acting like a toddler. The two of you made the decision regarding the job change and transportation together. You accepted to spend 4 hours a day driving and he accepted taking the metro because it is convenient. But that's not what's happening.. You either have to pick him up or avoid picking him up daily. And as much I would not want to do more driving, it would be plan changing daily that bothered me , and even more....he is now changing everything about your joint transportation decision after the fact.

 

Sit down with him and talk about the arrangements again now that they are real. Pick him up once a week on a designated day. No more excuses.

 

That's very generous.

 

I don't think dogeared's anger is disproportionate, especially if traffic is bad on her commute. 2 hours on the 405 in California would irritate me. Another hour going and coming after I'm already home to pick up someone who has a mode of transportation and just doesn't want to take it would infuriate me. It's a waste of gas and time that the husband sprung on her after she took the job.

 

He didn't whisper a word of wanting rides from work when he egged her to take the job did he? Dogear hasn't said that but I'm assuming not.

 

And it is EXTREMELY selfish and immature of him to hound you everyday for a ride when he has a shorter commute than you, and gets off later than you, and works closer to home than you! Ludicrous!

 

Is he scared of the train, or did he do something when he drove his own car that he can't do on public transportation, that is causing him to find this new commute so unbearable? That may be something to ask him about to get to the heart of why this started. You said you've been working at your new job 3 months, but his complaining and pleading only kicked into high gear about a month ago. Can't help but think something happened between then and now that's got him reluctant to take the train/metro.

 

My understanding of why you wouldn't want to tell his family and friends about the behavior is because you view this as a problem between you and him. Complaing about his behavior to family and friends won't fix the problem. It seems, also, that you don't want to confront your husband on this.

 

This is worthy of confrontation. It's nice that you're willing to compromise, but if you reach a modified agreement on this situation with your husband stick to it. As 2sure said, no excuses from him, and no more compromise after that from you!

 

Good luck.

[standtall]

He does not have an active or physically demanding job...but even if he did, so what?

 

Well dogeared...I hate to tell you it does make a difference. If a man is digging ditches or swinging iron all day, and his princess wife doesn't want to come get him , then I think most men would have a problem.

 

BTW, if you treat him the same way you respond the posters here that are trying to help you, then the problem lies with you and not him. Get a mirror and look in it.

[whichwayisup]

confronting him that he was faking being sick - and in the process either implicitly or explicitly calling him a bold face liar - doesn't seem like a good option to me.

 

Then just tell him how you feel about his lazy behaviour. Ask him why can't he take the metro. Why is he relying on someone else, a coworker, or you to take him home. Is he having anxiety or panic attacks? Is he afraid of taking the bus or metro? Is he having other health issues? Chances are he just wants to be driven and doesn't want to take the metro or bus - But just in case there's something else going on, he needs to come clean. Lying and pretending to be sick and leaving work early to get a ride home would make him wonder what is going on with him if he were my H.

[TaraMaiden]

"We teach people how to treat us."

 

dogeared - what is your "Payoff" here....?

 

Why do you suppose you continue to tolerate and put up with behaviour you tell us is unacceptable? What do you emotionally gain from acceding to his pattern?

What do you get out of it - what's in it for you?

 

 

 

 

You obviously keep up a 'front'. So in a manner of speaking, you are not only excusing his behaviour - but you're also endorsing it!

 

 

 

What are you scared of?

Why is this so hard for you to stand up to?

 

And my questions STILL remain unanswered... Is this denial, does anyone suppose?

 

BTW, if you treat him the same way you respond the posters here that are trying to help you, then the problem lies with you and not him. Get a mirror and look in it.

 

Yes, quite.

Food for thought....