Husband acting like a 5 year old

[shalisha42]

1. Train him to what? He can ask me every day for a ride home, and I'm fine turning him down every day. All I want are some ideas on how I should handle this issue. I'm concerned that it worked once so he will try it again. I'm reluctant to flat out say I think he was faking. That doesn't seem like a conversation that would go well. What's he going to do? Laugh it off, say "you're right" and apologize? I doubt it.

 

2. Obviously not.

 

3. We both work out, and are both very physically fit; part of why I'm kind of astounded he faked being sick to avoid a 10 minute metro ride and a 15 minute walk home, but I am indeed convinced that he faked it for that very reason. He does not have an active or physically demanding job...but even if he did, so what? We discussed the situation before making a decision, he agreed to being a one-car family for the time being. I don't feel like sitting in traffic for four hours every day, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm responsible for getting myself to and from work every day, just like everyone else.

 

Like I said in my other post, you have a problem with asserting yourself. You stated that your husband insisted you take a higher paying job. You capitulated even though you loved your other job. Why then did you agree? Also, your husband sounds very manipulative. You said you can say no if you want to regarding picking him up - yet you do it and then feel resentful - hence your post. Sounds to me like you don't want to look at the issues in your marriage and you're getting defensive because of it. Good luck!

[dreamingoftigers]

For her to consider him taking a cab would still be assuming responsibility for him. That is not her job. Her job is not to solve his dilemma. That's what's got her into this predicament in the first place. It's also what's keeping her in it. Her codependency and inability to set boundaries with her husband is the problem in my opinion and she's making him responsible for her own discomfort and anger.

 

"Hey can you pick me up today? I am pretending to be sick."

 

"I'd prefer that you take a taxicab and any subsequent time that you do that instead because my commute is killer and we both know that and chose this situation."

 

It's a suggestion to help her keep her own boundary. It's also a compromise, and a seemingly reasonable one at that. Re: marriage.

 

Codependent traits are often necessary and healthy to function in plenty of relationships. When the problems arise, it is when those particular traits are used in an unhealthy way. I.e. coddling someone to their detriment and your own. (As in continuing to pick him up and then resenting him for it)

 

Making a suggestion to him about how he could handle his own work-home commute is NOT her coddling him, it's her providing one more thought-out option for him to maintain his own autonomy and be responsible for how much he wants to shell out for it. Win-Win.

[shalisha42]

confronting him that he was faking being sick - and in the process either implicitly or explicitly calling him a bold face liar - doesn't seem like a good option to me.

 

Why not? Being afraid to be honest and open with your husband is a signal that there's something wrong with the marriage as well. It sounds like he'd twist it around anyway.

[shalisha42]

"Hey can you pick me up today? I am pretending to be sick."

 

"I'd prefer that you take a taxicab and any subsequent time that you do that instead because my commute is killer and we both know that and chose this situation."

 

It's a suggestion to help her keep her own boundary. It's also a compromise, and a seemingly reasonable one at that. Re: marriage.

 

Codependent traits are often necessary and healthy to function in plenty of relationships. When the problems arise, it is when those particular traits are used in an unhealthy way. I.e. coddling someone to their detriment and your own. (As in continuing to pick him up and then resenting him for it)

 

Making a suggestion to him about how he could handle his own work-home commute is NOT her coddling him, it's her providing one more thought-out option for him to maintain his own autonomy and be responsible for how much he wants to shell out for it. Win-Win.

 

Sorry to disagree. "Codependency traits" are not necessary at all in a marriage. In fact, it's the root of many issues in a marriage. Compromise is necessary in a relationship which comes from a different place than co-dependency. It also doesn't undermine the other person.

[dreamingoftigers]

Sorry to disagree. "Codependency traits" are not necessary at all in a marriage. In fact, it's the root of many issues in a marriage. Compromise is necessary in a relationship which comes from a different place than co-dependency. It also doesn't undermine the other person.

 

Probably why the author of "Codependent No More" Melody Beattie (you know, the pioneer of "codependency" has been divorced 3 or was it 4 times?

 

"Codependency" in itself is not a diagnosis in and of itself. It is a type of social context.

 

Not to mention that classic codependency has been largely debunked as trauma response, carrying with it the same symptoms often of childhood PTSD. Having poor boundaries, or not having learned proper boundaries is not the same thing as "codependency" or PTSD. It means one is unskilled in the area.

 

Gottman is an excellent resource for such findings and hopefully OP will continue to read his other works as well, for they paint a broad picture.

 

If her "codependency" is completely out of whack and causing her to stalk and obsess over her husbands inability to get from work to home, perhaps "How to Break Your Addiction to a Person" might be a better guide.

 

Having some codependent traits does not mean a particular illness, or a dreadful life sentence of suffering in silence within a marriage.

 

marriagebuilders.com has a nice breakdown of codependency in marriage as well.

 

If OP is finding that her boundaries overall are weak with her H beyond the metro and the dog, perhaps Boundaries by Cloud and Townshend are a good option. If she isn't religious, perhaps leaving the biblical quotes out of this one.

 

Support groups to help rebuild a ruptured marriage. Perhaps learning to meditate and say affirmations to herself before answering husband's call to best deal with any boundaries she may have to set.

 

Then of course there is always good old Marital Counseling.

 

But all of these seem like much more consuming and slightly impractical given the gravity of the situation. Perhaps she should simply suggest that he take a taxicab home. And then he won't be undermined or not considered at the same time.

 

And of course, that solution only works if it is affordable/practical and he agrees.

[shalisha42]

"Hey can you pick me up today? I am pretending to be sick."

 

"I'd prefer that you take a taxicab and any subsequent time that you do that instead because my commute is killer and we both know that and chose this situation."

 

It's a suggestion to help her keep her own boundary. It's also a compromise, and a seemingly reasonable one at that. Re: marriage.

 

Codependent traits are often necessary and healthy to function in plenty of relationships. When the problems arise, it is when those particular traits are used in an unhealthy way. I.e. coddling someone to their detriment and your own. (As in continuing to pick him up and then resenting him for it)

 

Making a suggestion to him about how he could handle his own work-home commute is NOT her coddling him, it's her providing one more thought-out option for him to maintain his own autonomy and be responsible for how much he wants to shell out for it. Win-Win.

 

The reason I used the word codependent was because it seemed to me quitting a job that she loved because her husband insisted (without her giving more detailed) and then acting selfishly about getting rides home, to fit her need to comply with things that seem to go against what is in her own best interest. Yes marriage is about compromise but if he's not willing to compromise on something like this and she's doing all the compromising, it seems codependent.

[dreamingoftigers]

The reason I used the word codependent was because it seemed to me quitting a job that she loved because her husband insisted (without her giving more detailed) and then acting selfishly about getting rides home, to fit her need to comply with things that seem to go against what is in her own best interest. Yes marriage is about compromise but if he's not willing to compromise on something like this and she's doing all the compromising, it seems codependent.

 

That makes sense.

 

I thought she owned the job a little more further down. Hmm.

 

Interesting thread nonetheless. Thanks for responding to my post.

[shalisha42]

That makes sense.

 

I thought she owned the job a little more further down. Hmm.

 

Interesting thread nonetheless. Thanks for responding to my post.

 

You're welcome. I like reading your responses too.

[TaraMaiden]

the thing that scares me about dreamingoftigers, is that she makes me feel like I have half a brain, and she has one-and-a-half!

 

(And I mean that humorously - I adore DoT! )

 

What she doesn't know about some mental conditions and disorders isn't worth writing in the margins of a postage stamp.

 

Bright lass.

That's not to 'put you down' at all, shalisha42, she's just extremely knowlegeable on matters of this kind, and knows her stuff.

 

Of course, I know little about you, so I could be speaking to Yale's Head of Department for Psychology.

 

I'll shut up now!!

 

(Sorry for T/J, dogeared....)

[dogeared]

That makes sense.

 

I thought she owned the job a little more further down. Hmm.

 

Interesting thread nonetheless. Thanks for responding to my post.

Interesting arguments, from you and shalisha. I really like Gottman, and my husband and I are both finding him very helpful. We have one or two of his other books that my husband picked up, but we haven't started them yet.

 

I did in fact explain the job thing a little bit more further on in the thread. Saying that he "insisted" in the original post was a poor word choice without clarifications. I was just anticipating responses along the lines of me having made a choice that has negative consequences for him, blah blah blah and I wanted to try to head that off. My husband would have supported me had I chosen to stay with my previous job (which I loved, but also had it's difficulties), and he wanted me to take this other job for other reasons that had to do with what he sees as my well-being (like it is a lot less stress, in addition to paying more). I knew when I took this new job that it wouldn't be as challenging or fun as my previous job, but I had no way of knowing that I wouldn't like it at all until I was actually doing the job, interacting with my co-workers, etc. I'm also working on looking into talking to my supervisor about telecommuting once a week, working from the client site (which is closer to my home), etc. If things don't improve I will start looking for another job. He has suggested that I leave my job if I'm not happy, has said that he will support me if I want to stay at home (which I don't), etc. So there's even more detail on that.

 

Also, I think a few people have implied that maybe my husband doesn't help out around the house? At least that's how I'm reading it, maybe I'm wrong. We both clean, do laundry, walk the dog, etc. Not that getting to this point hasn't taken work, but we've been at a pretty good place with chores and other household responsibilities for awhile now.

Edited January 14, 2013 by dogeared

[jwi71]

 

Following TM, thank you for coming back.

And thank you for providing more info - it helps.

 

And changes my perspective - seeing as I was one who found less fat in your H and more in you. I don't tend to post all rainbows and unicorns - perhaps you noticed.

 

I'll slightly change what I've said before.

 

 

After thinking about it, I think the "larger issue" would be that my husband is often, in my eyes, self-absorbed. His default often seems to be to think of himself before others (if he thinks of others at all). For instance, it really irritates me when I find out that our dog was home alone for 8 hours, and instead of letting her outside first, he used the bathroom, changed clothes, checked his email, and essentially just dicked around for 30 minutes or more before letting her out. He doesn't always do that, but it's a pretty simple example of how he can be sometimes. Just for the record, after being confronted about this particular thing (Um, hello, the dog relies on you to care for her, and she needs to be let out relatively quickly when those situations arise), he has gotten much better.

 

Kudos on talking to your H, bringing up the issue of "take care of the dog first" and getting positive change as result. Why didn't you do that HERE with the whole commute thing?

 

You clearly know the value of communicating - and have done so as the above illustrates - why not sit him down and enforce the agreement originally made?

 

Why come on LS calling him a child and "foaming at the mouth" ( pun, referring back to dog, I'm bring overly clever).

 

What was/is preventing the same healthy behaviors taken with the dog from being done here?

 

I don't think I am resentful, but I do feel exasperated in certain situations (like the one I started this thread about), so maybe I am getting there.

 

Be wary little exasperations become resentment. I have noticed that we humans tend to hold on to little exasperations and, over time, they build. especially if one "doesn't get their way" or moves to far past center to end the current exasperation. And we hold on to it. And, I have noticed, we blame the other for our choice to move past center. And before you know it - resentment and it's a cancer to an R. Almost as fatal.

 

As far as faking an illness to get a ride home: at the last minute my husband needed the car for something, so I made other arrangements to get to work, and he said he would pick me up, instead of me going home the same way. He whined the entire way home about how awful it was, it was like torture, and he just wanted to get home. I pointed out that I do that twice a day, five days a week. He volunteered that he can understand why I say no when he asks for a ride home, now that he has experienced my commute for himself, and that riding the metro is infinitely better than what I have to go through every day.

 

Find a solution to this and let it go.

Personally, I wouldn't budge as it was agreed upon previously. And because I stay consistent with my actions and choices, people know this about me. In other words, we train people how to treat us.

 

I am going to play it by ear, but I am thinking of staying late at work occasionally and picking him up on my way home, or some variation. We will see, because I think he would have a problem with this scenario since our dog would be going quite a long time on her own, but maybe we can have a dog walker come those days. I really am reluctant to go get him after finally getting home from my hellish commute, especially because I use that time to do chores, walk the dog, etc.

 

I would disagree but it's your choice.

This isn't addressing the problem - its avoiding it.

And the issue becomes a weight to be carried. The dreaded "time to duck my H because it's almost quitting time and he wants a ride and I don't want to nor do I want to say and oh g_ddammit why me" thought process.

 

Choose a different path.

 

There is more to it, though. Having a second car, logistically, is undesirable. When we had two cars, my husband didn't drive to work every day (and never in the summer) - but two days a week we have alternate side parking because of street cleaning. He could never remember to move the car, and got a $30 - $50 ticket twice a week, AND got towed frequently.

 

When he did drive to work, he still got parking tickets. An all day parking garage where he works costs about $50/day. He would rather park on the street and risk getting a ticket, because the tickets are only about $30. The problem with this is that all the street parking near his office is 2 hour parking only, and is heavily patrolled by meter maids, because of people like him. He always thought that he would run out of work every two hours to spend a half hour moving his car, and sometimes he did, but he doesn't really have that kind of time during the day, so instead he got a parking ticket - every two hours. That's 4 tickets times $30 for $120/day. He also would get lucky (no tickets) just often enough that he was optimistic that he would continue to not get any tickets, so he took the risk of parking on the street instead of a garage, or better yet taking the metro. He also has to leave the house earlier in the morning to drive than he does to metro, and he is not a morning person, so he was frequently late to work when he drove.

 

Now, I've been more focused on you - largely because your H isn't posting.

I also took you to task for saying he a R's like a 5 year old - namely that he wasn't.

 

I was wrong.

 

You can't "make him" be more mature and responsible - the behavior is well ingrained , and yes sanctioned by you to a degree, to the point that it'll take real drive and IC to turn the behavior and underlying thought processes driving them.

 

So, now you have a choice. Accept the behaviors as is and work around these "limitations" or fight to change them. You will also have to accept the consequence of the path you choose - including not wondering "what if" you had taken the other path. Now you might not get him to fully behave as you wish but it's your choice to accept it or to try and change it further.

 

Own you choices and the outcome (after all, you chose it).

[dogeared]

Let's see if I can keep all my thoughts straight.

 

First, posts on the last couple of pages gave me some more things to think about RE: giving my husband a ride home once a week or some variation. Still considering it, but obviously there are some other things to think about also.

 

Second, I don't know if this makes a difference to anyone who has posted, but for the record: if my husband was actually as sick as he said he was, I would be happy to pick him up from work. If he came down with the flu or something I wouldn't want him taking a cab or the metro home. He would also do the same for me. I've been thinking more about what serialmuse posted, and I think that one thing that might impact his view versus my view (and his sister's) about the ride thing (as well as other areas in life) is that he is just a "nicer" person, and really laid back about things (such as his attitude toward parking laws!). Sometimes I think that he has poor boundaries or can't say no, but the truth is that he is actually happy to do it - unlike me. If he doesn't want to do something he generally doesn't do it. This occurred to me today actually when something else happened and he and I had very different responses.

 

Back to the sick/ride thing...if my husband had ever admitted that he faked an illness to get a ride home, I would tell him what's what. The fact that he didn't admit it, and I only suspect (though it seems pretty clear) that he faked it is why I'm reluctant to bring it up. I just can't envision that conversation being productive. I know my husband and I know that he wouldn't budge on whether or not he was sick and actually needed a ride home. If he tried this again I think I would have to say something. I would also probably suggest a cab if I thought he was faking it again.

 

As far as the parking ticket thing - I have firmly established that anything related to him ignoring parking laws is his problem, not mine. He knew that he wasn't even allowed to complain to me about it, because while he might be shocked and outraged that there are actually consequences to so blatantly violating parking signs, I'm perfectly happy to see a rule-breaker punished. Perhaps that's cold-hearted and uptight of me, but it's my nature...and he knew that when he married me.

[dreamingoftigers]

Hey again, I'd also like to suggest "wired for love" as additional reading material.

[serial muse]

Let's see if I can keep all my thoughts straight.

 

First, posts on the last couple of pages gave me some more things to think about RE: giving my husband a ride home once a week or some variation. Still considering it, but obviously there are some other things to think about also.

 

Second, I don't know if this makes a difference to anyone who has posted, but for the record: if my husband was actually as sick as he said he was, I would be happy to pick him up from work. If he came down with the flu or something I wouldn't want him taking a cab or the metro home. He would also do the same for me. I've been thinking more about what serialmuse posted, and I think that one thing that might impact his view versus my view (and his sister's) about the ride thing (as well as other areas in life) is that he is just a "nicer" person, and really laid back about things (such as his attitude toward parking laws!). Sometimes I think that he has poor boundaries or can't say no, but the truth is that he is actually happy to do it - unlike me. If he doesn't want to do something he generally doesn't do it. This occurred to me today actually when something else happened and he and I had very different responses.

 

Back to the sick/ride thing...if my husband had ever admitted that he faked an illness to get a ride home, I would tell him what's what. The fact that he didn't admit it, and I only suspect (though it seems pretty clear) that he faked it is why I'm reluctant to bring it up. I just can't envision that conversation being productive. I know my husband and I know that he wouldn't budge on whether or not he was sick and actually needed a ride home. If he tried this again I think I would have to say something. I would also probably suggest a cab if I thought he was faking it again.

 

As far as the parking ticket thing - I have firmly established that anything related to him ignoring parking laws is his problem, not mine. He knew that he wasn't even allowed to complain to me about it, because while he might be shocked and outraged that there are actually consequences to so blatantly violating parking signs, I'm perfectly happy to see a rule-breaker punished. Perhaps that's cold-hearted and uptight of me, but it's my nature...and he knew that when he married me.

 

I don't think you need to insult yourself by saying you're cold-hearted - this is a boundary for you, and it's good that you've established it. That's a positive thing, actually. You just have different viewpoints on this, and that's OK, as long as they don't lead to resentment. It's the speaking up that really matters - you're stewing on this stuff, and even if you do what he asks or bend yourself into pretzels to accommodate him, your generosity also comes at a cost to the relationship (staying late at work just so you don't have to get home and then go out again? argh, I'd be totally resentful too!).

 

It's funny, because I am more like your husband, and my husband is more like you, on the matter of giving rides. I wouldn't do what your husband is doing - I do think that's manipulative, and when there's a metro right next to one's job it's just ridiculous to ask for a lift home. But, my H and I have had our disagreements over being generous with car time, such as giving people rides (for example, I'm inclined to take people all the way home when we're the ones with the car, even if it's way out of our way, whereas his instinct is to take them to the nearest metro unless they live nowhere near one). Efficiency, it seems, isn't really an objective thing - it all depends on what costs and benefits you choose to put into the equation.

 

But I digress. I guess my point is, communication really is the key here. Your H is asking for things that many of us might agree are unreasonable, but to him are apparently perfectly logical. That's doesn't make him a jerk (although he could certainly pay more attention to the burden these requests place on you) - he's just using a different system of accounting than you are. But the only way to make that clear to him is to tell him so. I'm assuming that in many ways, his "kindness" is a real benefit to you and the relationship, even though it might have its dark side. So don't throw the baby out with the bathwater - think about how to establish boundaries you won't resent, and feel more comfortable speaking up, ideally without feeling angry that you have to. People just have different frameworks, and we all tend to resent it when our partners can't read our minds - but it's really counterproductive.

 

Edited to add: And one thing you really want to avoid is falling into the trap of acting like his mommy. He should deal with his own heat for those parking tickets! And you don't have to solve his "I-need-a-ride-home" problem for him - you can just let him know what you're willing to do, and what you aren't willing to do. And from there, he has to meet you halfway.

Edited January 15, 2013 by serial muse

[dreamingoftigers]

People just have different frameworks, and we all tend to resent it when our partners can't read our minds - but it's really counterproductive.

 

Except in my case.... and he should know why.

 

:laugh: