Husband acting like a 5 year old

[CC12]

Well dogeared...I hate to tell you it does make a difference. If a man is digging ditches or swinging iron all day, and his princess wife doesn't want to come get him , then I think most men would have a problem.

 

If he were digging ditches or swinging iron all day, that might be a good reason to ask for rides home. He is not doing a physically demanding job, as the OP said, so I'm not sure why you're being such a condescending dick to her.

 

BTW, if you treat him the same way you respond the posters here that are trying to help you, then the problem lies with you and not him. Get a mirror and look in it.

 

She hasn't responded inappropriately to any posters in this thread.

 

And my questions STILL remain unanswered... Is this denial, does anyone suppose?

 

I suppose it means that she either missed your questions, or she thinks they're not relevant enough to respond to. I doubt it means what you think it does.

 

 

OP, I don't really get why you're getting some of these responses. It's pretty clear that it's unfair that while you have a 3-4 hour commute, your boyfriend tries to make his much shorter commute your responsibility.

 

Have you spoken to him about it in clear terms? it wouldn't be unreasonable to say to him, "I commute 3 to 4 hours and you commute 1 hour. It's unfair of you to ask me to spend another extra hour in the car to pick you up when it only takes you 30 minutes to get home on the metro. Please don't ask me to pick you up unless it's a legitimate emergency." A fair and reasonable person would completely understand this.

[Els]

Well dogeared...I hate to tell you it does make a difference. If a man is digging ditches or swinging iron all day, and his princess wife doesn't want to come get him , then I think most men would have a problem.

 

His 'princess wife' left a job she loved to take one that she hated to make him happy, and commutes 4 hours a day. She isn't exactly a stay at home wife. If a man wants one-sided pampering after work, he should get a stay at home wife, period.

 

BTW, if you treat him the same way you respond the posters here that are trying to help you, then the problem lies with you and not him. Get a mirror and look in it.

 

Even if she did, the problem lies with both of them. One does not excuse the other.

[Els]

So, OP, definitely sounds like he was faking, even if he himself believed it for a moment. What do you think about my suggestion: 'Explain to him exactly what you've said here: That you told him about potential transport issues when he was trying to convince you to change your job and he agreed with it. That you spend 4 hours in traffic a day and you should not need to spend another hour to fetch him when it takes him just 15 minutes to walk home. That you are not going to fetch him again barring extenuating circumstances. And that if he fakes one of those again, you're done.'

[Radu]

He's a very selfish individual.

And you are covering for him, what TM was hinting at.

 

You drive 4hs commuting [at his suggestion].

You have a job you hate [his suggestion]; and don't try to argue that the economy is **** and such. A job you hate means that it will take a toll on you mentally, and with that huge commute it means you won't be able to put extra hours or be left with much time for yourself.

You come and pick him up when he acts like a 1st grader.

 

And you still cover for him, in front of family, friends, even to the anonymous ppl reading this etc ...

Big deal, so he has to go by metro for 30min ... there are ppl who commute by metro or tram or bus for 2-3hs to get to work each day, and they don't whine like a spoiled brat.

 

Who does the chores around the house ?

How much do you do, how much does he do ?

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that he is a very driven guy when it comes to his things, his money, his time, his job ...

[standtall]

He is not doing a physically demanding job, as the OP said, so I'm not sure why you're being such a condescending dick to her.

 

 

Because she said "He does not have an active or physically demanding job...but even if he did, so what?"...which indicates that she wouldn't care either way...that doesn't exactly sound like an equal partnership in a marriage. Heck she started off the thread " Husband acting like a 5yr old"...which in itself sounds like a condescending dick. From a male point of view she sounds like a princess, and from my experience, there are 2 sides to every story. Seldom does one spouse or the other have a monopoly on perfect marital behavior.

 

 

As far as

 

She hasn't responded inappropriately to any posters in this thread.

 

I didn't say inappropriate. I inferred that she sounds pretty mean and quite frankly..arrogant....and I'm not the only one. It seems that she is saying amen to the people that tells her what she wants to hear...that her husband is acting like a baby, and "you go girl". She sounds as if she has quite the attitude, and I believe that there is much more to this battle than just a ride. It sounds as if the couple is going through some type of power struggle.It also sounds as if the OP has completely lost respect for her husband, which is a marriage killer. I would suggest some counseling to get to the root of the real problem....because the ride situation aint it.

Edited January 9, 2013 by standtall

[TaraMaiden]

I suppose it means that she either missed your questions, or she thinks they're not relevant enough to respond to. I doubt it means what you think it does.

No, I believe she's being deliberately evasive, because the questions may be arousing some uncomfortable feelings and truths for her.

Which is not to be condemned or derided, by the way.

 

I have after all, asked then three times now, so it's impossible that she missed them, as she also responded to another part of the same post, but not to the questions themselves....

 

IN the context of her original post, I believe they're worth addressing.

Much as it may hurt or smart to do so.

Edited January 9, 2013 by TaraMaiden

[jwi71]

I inferred that she sounds pretty mean and quite frankly..arrogant....and I'm not the only one. It seems that she is saying amen to the people that tells her what she wants to hear...that her husband is acting like a baby, and "you go girl". She sounds as if she has quite the attitude, and I believe that there is much more to this battle than just a ride. It sounds as if the couple is going through some type of power struggle.It also sounds as if the OP has completely lost respect for her husband, which is a marriage killer. I would suggest some counseling to get to the root of the real problem....because the ride situation aint it.

 

I had previously stated that this M was heading for crisis but I am clearly wrong.

 

It's IN crisis.

 

I do hope it ends the way the OP wants - be it D or R.

 

And while there are two sides to every story - there is much be deliberately ignored by the OP which gives me the impression she is as much problem, possibly more problem, than cure.

Edited January 9, 2013 by jwi71
Autocorrect hell

[dogeared]

For goodness's sake, I asked for advice on one specific situation. Some posters actually posted advice or possible solutions. Other posters asked for more information. Then there are the posters who are attacking me and all worked up over this stupid thread. You all seem angrier to me than I am about the actual situation. I'm not sure why I'm being flamed and there's all this "YOU'RE the bigger problem, not your husband" "I bet YOU'RE not so perfect either" and there's all this name calling going on. When did I ever claim to be perfect and above reproach?

 

No one here knows anything about me, my husband, or our day to day relationship, how we interact with each other, or happy or unhappy we are, etc. You have no idea whether we are in or have ever been in MC, IC, how long we've been married, etc. Yet you're making all kinds of assumptions about all of these things.

 

I can't be mad about one specific behavior while at the same time looking for a solution so that it doesn't happen again?

 

I don't want to talk to my husband about this specific incident, because I think he will be defensive at being called out, and it wouldn't solve the actual problem. I am more than willing to talk to him about other things, such as revisiting the transportation discussion we had prior to me starting my new job. THAT is a solution and conversation that might be productive.

 

As far as not talking to my friends and family about this one thing, I'm not sure how that is "covering up" for my husband. All I see that as is loyalty. One, our problems are personal, and not their business. Why would I do anything that would make my husband look bad? I know I wouldn't be happy if he went around complaining about me to his friends or telling them our business.

 

Thank you to the posters who provided advice.

[TaraMaiden]

dogeared, calm down.

I used to work in relationships counselling, with a very well known organisation in the UK.

They one time described a marriage as a house made of bricks.

looking at such a house, all the Bricks (the bigger issues, like "How do we feel about having children" or "are we on the same page, religion-wise?" or "Who will sacrifice their job to bring up the children?") seem to be the most important component of the structure.

 

But actually?

 

They're not.

 

Bricks - without mortar - are just a potential big heap of rubble.

What keeps a marriage together, is actually all the 'small stuff'. And if the 'small stuff' begins to deteriorate, and crumble, pretty soon, the big bricks don't matter. because the small stuff isn't there to keep it all stable, anyway.

 

Your initial complaint - your H acting like a 5-year-old - and the underlying rationale behind that complaint - are 'small stuff'.

 

That's why I posed the questions I did.

This erodes at your security, your stability and your peace of mind, by feeding the resentment, and building on it.

 

This is a relationships forum.

Whenever a problem arises, it's never in isolation.

It's a significant detail of a bigger picture.

And I think what most of us have tried to do, is to indicate that if THIS is bothering you - it can't be only THIS that's bothering you.

 

Maybe you need some solid support behind you, because as far as I personally can see, you're the one making the bigger effort and sacrifices and making changes - but he's not keeping his side of the bargain.

 

So maybe you need to scratch this surface and have a look at what lies beneath.

A bit like an iceberg, really.... What's visible, is nothing compared to the bit under the surface.....

 

That's all....

 

Hard as it may be to believe, we actually, as a community, care about new members who need support.

[carhill]

OP, what do you propose to feel heard, validated and respected in your M and to evolve this dynamic of 'husband acting like a 5 year old'?

 

Have you ever experienced such a dynamic as your proposal in your M? IOW, is it within your H's natural style of prosecuting interpersonal relationships to cause those dynamics within you? Is what you're proposing realistic, given the dynamic of your marriage? Why?

 

Since it really wasn't covered, have you and your husband engaged in marriage counseling? If so, how did that go? If not, was it ever suggested? If not, why not? If so, what prevented progression?

 

I like TM's focus on the 'small stuff'. The mortar of the marriage can make it or break it. Take that from a guy who does work with the stuff, literally. Good luck and welcome to LS

[jwi71]

For goodness's sake, I asked for advice on one specific situation. Some posters actually posted advice or possible solutions. Other posters asked for more information. Then there are the posters who are attacking me and all worked up over this stupid thread. You all seem angrier to me than I am about the actual situation. I'm not sure why I'm being flamed and there's all this "YOU'RE the bigger problem, not your husband" "I bet YOU'RE not so perfect either" and there's all this name calling going on. When did I ever claim to be perfect and above reproach?

 

Welcome to the Internet where you don't get control the responses received ...and....wow... Just wow....So you lash at out at other random Internet people because they don't post in a way you agree with?

 

Anger management anyone?

 

No one here knows anything about me, my husband, or our day to day relationship, how we interact with each other, or happy or unhappy we are, etc. You have no idea whether we are in or have ever been in MC, IC, how long we've been married, etc. Yet you're making all kinds of assumptions about all of these things.

 

Why complain we don't know as when you were asked to expound on things you ignored those Q's?

 

I can't be mad about one specific behavior while at the same time looking for a solution so that it doesn't happen again?

 

Of course you can.

You can also call your H a 5 year old and lash out at posters who aren't behaving as expected all the while refusing to own up to how YOU contributed to the problem. Something about choices.

 

I don't want to talk to my husband about this specific incident, because I think he will be defensive at being called out, and it wouldn't solve the actual problem. I am more than willing to talk to him about other things, such as revisiting the transportation discussion we had prior to me starting my new job. THAT is a solution and conversation that might be productive.

 

Then why are you here if you aren't willing to TALK to your H about it?

What's the point?

 

You may want to claim otherwise but YOU contribute just as much as he. Maybe more.

 

As far as not talking to my friends and family about this one thing, I'm not sure how that is "covering up" for my husband. All I see that as is loyalty. One, our problems are personal, and not their business.

 

We all view friends differently.

I find talking to them about how bad my W is behaving helpful - especially when they point out their idiot friend is at least 50% responsible (stupid friends - how dare they point that out!)I also tend to go them when I need help. But we all view friends and family differently.

 

Why would I do anything that would make my husband look bad?

 

Not at all like calling him a child on an internet forum right?

Nope, no anger or resentment building here.

 

I know I wouldn't be happy if he went around complaining about me to his friends or telling them our business.

 

What makes you think he ISN'T?

I thoroughly expect my W to gripe about me to her friends and family - just as I do. When then calm down, find perspective and talk.

Something about anger, preventing resentment and communication.

 

Maybe a theme here. I dunno.

 

But you keep on being angry and not talking to your H about.

[standtall]

For goodness's sake, I asked for advice on one specific situation. Some posters actually posted advice or possible solutions. Other posters asked for more information. Then there are the posters who are attacking me and all worked up over this stupid thread. You all seem angrier to me than I am about the actual situation. I'm not sure why I'm being flamed and there's all this "YOU'RE the bigger problem, not your husband" "I bet YOU'RE not so perfect either" and there's all this name calling going on. When did I ever claim to be perfect and above reproach?

 

No one here knows anything about me, my husband, or our day to day relationship, how we interact with each other, or happy or unhappy we are, etc. You have no idea whether we are in or have ever been in MC, IC, how long we've been married, etc. Yet you're making all kinds of assumptions about all of these things.

 

I can't be mad about one specific behavior while at the same time looking for a solution so that it doesn't happen again?

 

I don't want to talk to my husband about this specific incident, because I think he will be defensive at being called out, and it wouldn't solve the actual problem. I am more than willing to talk to him about other things, such as revisiting the transportation discussion we had prior to me starting my new job. THAT is a solution and conversation that might be productive.

 

As far as not talking to my friends and family about this one thing, I'm not sure how that is "covering up" for my husband. All I see that as is loyalty. One, our problems are personal, and not their business. Why would I do anything that would make my husband look bad? I know I wouldn't be happy if he went around complaining about me to his friends or telling them our business.

 

Thank you to the posters who provided advice.

 

 

Well dogeared...it is basically the manner at which you're approaching posters here, and the way you are talking about your husband. The former indicates that you have issues with anyone questioning you or disagreeing with you, which indicates that at a minimum, you are an equal shareholder in your marital issues. The latter indicates that there is much more to your problem, and marriage for that matter, than a simple ride issue. You have lost respect for him, which in itself will destroy your marriage as it turns into resentment. Get marriage counseling ASAP...while you still have one.

[Els]

There's something that I've been wondering about, OP. You mentioned that he makes six figures. Why exactly is money such an issue that he needs you to take a job you hate 2 hours away to get more money? And now that you have such a job, I'd assume you're being paid quite a lot; combined with his >100k/year salary, why can't you get a second car, at least a second-hand one? A reasonable 2nd-hand car shouldn't be more than $10k, which is one month of ONE of your salaries. What is all the money going to?

[serial muse]

As far as whether or not he is lazy, I know there are two sides - just as an example a few years ago my husband complained to me about how his sister wouldn't pick him up from work to attend a class they were taking together. He thought since she was already in her car it was no big deal for her to go get him. He was really mad about it.

 

Later on, I heard her side - she couldn't believe that he wanted a ride every day when the class was three blocks from his work!

 

I think this little anecdote is actually the key. He did the same thing to her that he's doing to you. That's really interesting, and suggests it's not about you at all, it's about the situation - for some reason, he really likes to get that ride.

 

Let me ask you, is he lazy, in your mind, in other ways? Because this sounds like a really specific type of situation. So instead of immediately going to the "he's behaving like a five year old," I would be inclined to examine why it's somehow meaningful to him to have people pick him up. Doesn't sound like it's about cleanliness on public transportation or anything, since this class was three blocks away. It sounds like there's something about being picked up, specifically, that he craves (feels like a way of being cared for?). Wouldn't it be worthwhile to delve into that? That doesn't mean you have to just go along with it - I agree with you that it's pretty self-absorbed, there's the matter of inconvenience to you, and it seems clear that he was lying about being sick, which is manipulative. But the real question is why this is so important to him. And from there, maybe you can come to some sort of compromise, such as the one suggested earlier (pick him up once a week, but no more often). This is a communication issue.

Edited January 9, 2013 by serial muse

[standtall]

There's something that I've been wondering about, OP. You mentioned that he makes six figures. Why exactly is money such an issue that he needs you to take a job you hate 2 hours away to get more money? And now that you have such a job, I'd assume you're being paid quite a lot; combined with his >100k/year salary, why can't you get a second car, at least a second-hand one? A reasonable 2nd-hand car shouldn't be more than $10k, which is one month of ONE of your salaries. What is all the money going to?

 

Great question!

[serial muse]

Yeah, this is quite true. What's stopping you guys from getting a second car, OP? Can't be the money.

[Million.to.1]

What is all the money going to?

 

DRUGS!

 

.... right??

 

[standtall]

It appears that the OP "has done run oft"now that the questions are hitting close to home. Maybe she will have an epiphany and take some accountability about her part of the marital issues.

[standtall]

LOL, I simply can't believe the amount of freaking DRAMA, finger pointing, jumping to conclusions, assumptions, conjecture and projection thrown at this one poster.

 

Good lord, the OP was asking for advice on ONE simple topic - why her husband is acting like such a freakin child about getting his happy ass on the Metro and making his way home from work all by himself like a BIG boy, and it was like watching a feeding frenzy in the shark tank.

 

No wonder she got ticked off - with all the nonsense and assumptions about "marital issues" being thrown at her, she was naturally put on the defensive! I don't blame her a bit for having an attitude and quite frankly, I'm surprised she even bothered to come back and reply to all the ridiculous assumptions being made.

 

Freakin' unreal.

 

Her anger was non sequitur to her husband's original issue. Then, when posters started questioning that, she lashed out at them.... kinda like your post above.

[dogeared]

d

 

That's why I posed the questions I did.

This erodes at your security, your stability and your peace of mind, by feeding the resentment, and building on it.

 

This is a relationships forum.

Whenever a problem arises, it's never in isolation.

It's a significant detail of a bigger picture.

And I think what most of us have tried to do, is to indicate that if THIS is bothering you - it can't be only THIS that's bothering you.

 

Maybe you need some solid support behind you, because as far as I personally can see, you're the one making the bigger effort and sacrifices and making changes - but he's not keeping his side of the bargain.

 

Sure, those are good points (all) - the ones quoted are the ones I'm going to address though, just due to the amount of time I have at the moment.

 

After thinking about it, I think the "larger issue" would be that my husband is often, in my eyes, self-absorbed. His default often seems to be to think of himself before others (if he thinks of others at all). For instance, it really irritates me when I find out that our dog was home alone for 8 hours, and instead of letting her outside first, he used the bathroom, changed clothes, checked his email, and essentially just dicked around for 30 minutes or more before letting her out. He doesn't always do that, but it's a pretty simple example of how he can be sometimes. Just for the record, after being confronted about this particular thing (Um, hello, the dog relies on you to care for her, and she needs to be let out relatively quickly when those situations arise), he has gotten much better.

 

I don't think I am resentful, but I do feel exasperated in certain situations (like the one I started this thread about), so maybe I am getting there.

 

As far as faking an illness to get a ride home: at the last minute my husband needed the car for something, so I made other arrangements to get to work, and he said he would pick me up, instead of me going home the same way. He whined the entire way home about how awful it was, it was like torture, and he just wanted to get home. I pointed out that I do that twice a day, five days a week. He volunteered that he can understand why I say no when he asks for a ride home, now that he has experienced my commute for himself, and that riding the metro is infinitely better than what I have to go through every day.

 

I am going to play it by ear, but I am thinking of staying late at work occasionally and picking him up on my way home, or some variation. We will see, because I think he would have a problem with this scenario since our dog would be going quite a long time on her own, but maybe we can have a dog walker come those days. I really am reluctant to go get him after finally getting home from my hellish commute, especially because I use that time to do chores, walk the dog, etc.

 

OP, what do you propose to feel heard, validated and respected in your M and to evolve this dynamic of 'husband acting like a 5 year old'?

 

Have you ever experienced such a dynamic as your proposal in your M? IOW, is it within your H's natural style of prosecuting interpersonal relationships to cause those dynamics within you? Is what you're proposing realistic, given the dynamic of your marriage? Why?

 

Since it really wasn't covered, have you and your husband engaged in marriage counseling? If so, how did that go? If not, was it ever suggested? If not, why not? If so, what prevented progression?

 

I like TM's focus on the 'small stuff'. The mortar of the marriage can make it or break it. Take that from a guy who does work with the stuff, literally. Good luck and welcome to LS

Generally I feel heard, understood, etc. We have done MC in the past; it was a helpful medium for discussing a couple things, but it was only so useful - my husband does not like being told (or feeling like someone is implying) that he is wrong. We are reading Gottman together currently, which so far has been more helpful than MC.

 

There's something that I've been wondering about, OP. You mentioned that he makes six figures. Why exactly is money such an issue that he needs you to take a job you hate 2 hours away to get more money? And now that you have such a job, I'd assume you're being paid quite a lot; combined with his >100k/year salary, why can't you get a second car, at least a second-hand one? A reasonable 2nd-hand car shouldn't be more than $10k, which is one month of ONE of your salaries. What is all the money going to?

We have certain mutually agreed upon financial goals, which involve savings and investments, as well as decreasing our expenses, and we are solidly on the same page about this.

 

There is more to it, though. Having a second car, logistically, is undesirable. When we had two cars, my husband didn't drive to work every day (and never in the summer) - but two days a week we have alternate side parking because of street cleaning. He could never remember to move the car, and got a $30 - $50 ticket twice a week, AND got towed frequently.

 

When he did drive to work, he still got parking tickets. An all day parking garage where he works costs about $50/day. He would rather park on the street and risk getting a ticket, because the tickets are only about $30. The problem with this is that all the street parking near his office is 2 hour parking only, and is heavily patrolled by meter maids, because of people like him. He always thought that he would run out of work every two hours to spend a half hour moving his car, and sometimes he did, but he doesn't really have that kind of time during the day, so instead he got a parking ticket - every two hours. That's 4 tickets times $30 for $120/day. He also would get lucky (no tickets) just often enough that he was optimistic that he would continue to not get any tickets, so he took the risk of parking on the street instead of a garage, or better yet taking the metro. He also has to leave the house earlier in the morning to drive than he does to metro, and he is not a morning person, so he was frequently late to work when he drove.

 

I think this little anecdote is actually the key. He did the same thing to her that he's doing to you. That's really interesting, and suggests it's not about you at all, it's about the situation - for some reason, he really likes to get that ride.

 

Let me ask you, is he lazy, in your mind, in other ways? Because this sounds like a really specific type of situation. So instead of immediately going to the "he's behaving like a five year old," I would be inclined to examine why it's somehow meaningful to him to have people pick him up. Doesn't sound like it's about cleanliness on public transportation or anything, since this class was three blocks away. It sounds like there's something about being picked up, specifically, that he craves (feels like a way of being cared for?). Wouldn't it be worthwhile to delve into that? That doesn't mean you have to just go along with it - I agree with you that it's pretty self-absorbed, there's the matter of inconvenience to you, and it seems clear that he was lying about being sick, which is manipulative. But the real question is why this is so important to him. And from there, maybe you can come to some sort of compromise, such as the one suggested earlier (pick him up once a week, but no more often). This is a communication issue.

Very good point, I hadn't considered that.

 

And, no, I don't generally think he is lazy.

Edited January 13, 2013 by dogeared

[dogeared]

Her anger was non sequitur to her husband's original issue. Then, when posters started questioning that, she lashed out at them.... kinda like your post above.

 

My intention isn't to offend anyone, so I'm sorry I've made you feel that way. In real life, and here, I'm interested in solutions, not fights. I have no interest in responding to posts where I need to defend myself.

Edited January 13, 2013 by dogeared

[TaraMaiden]

First of all, thank you for coming back to us, particularly after the pasting you got form some, and the dogged persistence you got from me (!).

 

I personally feel it probably took a bit of courage for you to do that, because in some responses you came across as quite defensive, and I was afraid that we'd all got off on the wrong foot.

So good on you for returning, and thanks.

 

It seems like you both have your domestic roles fairly evenly wrapped up.

But I will tell you just one 'funny', which immediately came to mind when I first read your thread title (and I have used this before):

 

Bit of advice my mum gave me once....

It doesn't matter

What car they drive

What job they have

How much money they earn

What clothes they wear, or

What kind of house they live in -

 

Men are only ever 9 years old.

 

That was said in humour, but my father told me my mother was seldom wrong.....

 

And I'm of the opinion that there is many a true word said in jest....

 

I wish you well in your relationship and trust that the communication level you have with your H will mean you'll never reach 'critical mass'.... but, waspish or soft, we're always here if ever you need to vent.....

[shalisha42]

Hey everyone, I’m obviously new here, looking for some insight/wisdom/advice…I don’t want to talk to my mom or friends about this because I’m embarrassed by my husband’s lazy, selfish behavior, and I think it makes my husband look bad. I’m going to try to make this quick/to the point and not ramble too much, and I’m going to try really, really hard not to vent.

 

About 3 months ago I got a new job, at my husband’s insistence, for a higher salary and a better chance for raises/promotion. I loved my last job, and am miserable at my current job, but that’s another story.

 

We live in a city, and currently only have one car (as mylast car was a company car given to me by my employer). We are planning on buying a second car in the next year. One of the things I pointed out to my husband several times, and discussed at length with him when making the decision to leave my last job for my current one was the fact that we would become a one car family and would not be able to purchase another car for a while.

 

I now have a 1.5-2hour commute, one way, every day.

 

My husband takes the metro (he works in the city, about 2miles from home) – it takes him 30 minutes to get to work/home, including his walk to/from the metro. It’s NOT cold here, it’s not windy, and it doesn’t snow. When the weather is nice he rides his bike.

 

For the last month or so my husband has been texting/calling me every day before leaving work to see if I will pick him up (his office isnot on my way home, and I usually get home an hour to an hour and a half before his shift ends, so it’s not even convenient time-wise). My answer is obviously “Gee sorry hun, I’malready home”. Every day he texts me when his shift ends, whining about how he doesn’t want to get on the metro. Last week he left work early twice because someone whose shift ended 15 or 30 minutes earlier than his offered him a ride.

 

In the last 3 months I have picked up my husband a couple oftimes (like if I had a day off and he didn’t or something) – because of rushhour traffic it takes me at least 1 hour round trip to pick him up from work.

 

What is all this leading up to?

 

Yesterday my husband PRETENDED TO BE SICK so that after spending 4 hours in the car already, I had to leave the house in the middle of my work out to spend another hour sitting in traffic because he was TOO LAZY to spend 15 minutes walking home from the metro.

 

I’m glad that my husband is not sick. However…I’m pretty angry at his selfish,inconsiderate, lazy behavior. I’m also not happy that I have now set a precedent where he can get a ride home by pretending to be sick. Not sure what to do, now or in the future should this happen again.

 

Hi. Thanks for sharing this with us. It takes 2 though. You are the problem. You continue to capitulate. If your husband wants to act sick, let him. Do not pick him up no matter what bull he comes up with. Do not argue with him. Become a broken record... "No. I can't do it." As long as you give in, he will continue to do it because you are reinforcing bad behavior on his part. You are the only one suffering. It sounds like you need an assertiveness training course:) There are 2 books I highly recommend - both are excellent:

 

Don't Say Yes When You Want to Say No by Dr. Herbert Fensterheim

the other is

When I say no I feel Guilty - by Dr. Manuel J. Smith

 

Excellent books! I recommend The second one because it explains our own crazy logic for saying yes when we don't want to do something.

 

One more book: Boundaries: Where You End and I begin is another excellent book.

[dreamingoftigers]

Have you considered him taking a taxicab?

 

It would be cheaper than the $50 a day parking/no tickets etc.

 

Than he would be more in control of how much he is willing to spend on the ride vs Metro.

 

Gottman is awesome by the way.

 

How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It is also great.

[shalisha42]

Have you considered him taking a taxicab?

 

It would be cheaper than the $50 a day parking/no tickets etc.

 

Than he would be more in control of how much he is willing to spend on the ride vs Metro.

 

Gottman is awesome by the way.

 

How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It is also great.

 

For her to consider him taking a cab would still be assuming responsibility for him. That is not her job. Her job is not to solve his dilemma. That's what's got her into this predicament in the first place. It's also what's keeping her in it. Her codependency and inability to set boundaries with her husband is the problem in my opinion and she's making him responsible for her own discomfort and anger.