Wife had a continuous 2 year long affair

[SmokeRat]

Post name more or less spells it out.

 

I am however taking to the lovely internets to vent, as it has been difficult to contain my dissapointment, rage, anger, shame and all those lovely emotions during the recovery process.

 

I suppose some backstory is in order so that the patrons of this website can chime in with their wisdom.

 

I've been married for around 1.5 years, sealed the deal back in September of 2010. Had been dating my than girlfriend for around 8 months when I proposed to her. Went all out, bought her some Louis Vuitton shoes, and placed the ring inside the shoe with a small holder so she'd see it right away. I also went down on one knee in front of her entire grade 10 english class.

 

So it was a big deal.

 

Fast forward to November 2011, just three months after the wedding. I had just got off a fire call (which one was of those calls you just want to get home from, shower and crawl on the couch with your wife/husband, drink and cry. Anytime children are involved, I get.....damaged). My chief sent me off the site early since the site was secure, fire was out and the paramedics were doing 'clean-up'. Came hour three hours early to find my wife having, for lack of a better description 'incredibly rough, passionate sex' with some random guy.

 

Now, I'm trained to keep my cool during situations that most 'normal' people would lose it. I've been in buildings during collapses, I've seen car accidents where people were burned alive and tried to 'claw' their way out of the glass. Doesn't phase me. This on the other hand, make my rage meter hit red. As soon as I walked in, my wife dropped off the guy and started crying and he covered his face with a pillow. I can remember the first thing out of my mouth as I dropped my bunker coat on groud was "what the f#$k". After that, I just yelled for about twenty minutes and told the other guy to get the f#$k out of my house before I have an entire fire crew jammed clear up his ass. He took that seriously and bolted pretty quick.

 

That was the first instance.

 

Let's fast forward. I thought after that incident, everything was good. We went to therapy and all that jazz. But, in 2012 I found emails, lots and lots of emails. Text messages and pictures, video chats and all that stuff.

 

It seems she had started sleeping with him, just two weeks after our engagement and kept sleeping with him even after I caught the two of them. Both of them are teachers, and they work at the same school so it worked out well for them, timing and whatnot. And since my wife knew my fire schedule, she had 7-12 days a month where I was working a 24hr shift.

 

After finding all these details, I made her spill the beans on everything. She admitted to using my fire schedule to have sex with him, because she knew I wouldn't be home. I went off my rocker, I immediately called in some favours and got everything I could on this guy.

 

- his wifes name

- their address

- name and age of their kids

- where they both work, and their supervisors names

 

All that, and more.

 

I made a long profile on a website known for outing cheaters, and I put all that info there. I sent that info to him, along with proof of their affair (emails and whatnot) and told him if he didn't stay away from my wife, I'd have an entire brigade of brothers and sisters riding his ass, and all this info would go to his school, his wife, friends, family and co-workers.

 

Well he didn't stay away and contacted my wife again. So I released all the info. His profile managed to get 22,000 hits in 1hr in my city.

 

My wife didn't take this well since she works at the same place as him, and her name was on those emails. I call it tough love.

 

Now, the issue is, my wife and I have decided to work things out. But after two years of her going behind my back, I'm finding it difficult to let the images of them having sex go. It's difficult and it's obviously making it more difficult to focus on my job. Even my buddies at work, are taking more time out of their day to either pat me on the back or just shoot the crap with me. It's nice knowing I have that backing.

 

My wife is trying, because all I can get out of her, is that the affair was 'fun and thrilling'. That's why she did it. Now, some of her friends have found out, obviously. And they cannot understand why she did that, since she actively knows that they would steal me away in a heartbeat (they've admitted it's 95% Fire Man Worship).

 

Now I have my faults, there have been days where I've been emotionally unavailable. Before we married, we both sat down with my fire chief and he explain to her what she was about to sign on for. He went over the emotional stress, the drinking, the periods of just not caring. She accepted and was happy to be my pillar when things went wrong.

 

I've admitted all these faults, and I have been working to handle situations better when I come home. As much as people tell you to leave work at work, the find of work I do, isn't something you just turn off. And if you can, you are not human.

 

Either way, it's difficult and lots of days I'm at home being miserable and just a general grouch. Most of it revolves around the fact that she had sex with another man on a regular basis but would avoid having contact with me, as if I had the plague. She didn't even enjoy the FireFighters Calender I brought home for her when I was posted as the 'model' for September.

 

She swears up and down that she loves me, and that she just had sex because it's what he wanted.

 

The issue is, how do I learn to trust, forgive and try and move forward. Every time he cell phone rings or a text comes through, my stomach knots and I want to rip it out of her hands and see what's going on.

 

Sorry for the long post, but it might be nice to get some outside thoughts before I head back over to therapy.

 

Cheers and check your smoke alarms/monoxide alarms (please and thank you).

[Balzac]

Welcome to LS smokerat. Thank you for your service as a firefighter.

Folks here have seen, lived and heard a lot.

 

What an amazingly sad story. You tell it well. I get the distinct impression that in firefighter culture there must exist an understanding of the inherant career stress on a youthful new spouse? Possibly this is how you dug deep, forgave but moved forward in your new marriage? I cannot imagine the depth and breath of your pain.

 

Thanks for the very personal share. Being a first responder complicates so much about your situation, is her fear such that she must sabotage her new marriage? She sounds shallow, immature and mean spirited. That's my comment.

Edited January 8, 2013 by Balzac
You deserve so much more for the future family you desire.

[Spark1111]

healing from infidelity takes between 2 and 5 years, if all goes well and you both seek IC and MC.

 

The time is measured not from the first discovery, but from the last discovery of continued contact.

 

Despite knowing of the first time, you have just found out of it's continuance. that makes you newly devastated.

 

Fun and thrilling is a bs reason, and you know it. She needs lots of IC to figure out why fun and thrilling caused her to cheat and sneak and lie.

 

You need to work on you and being the best partner you can be for her, or if you do divorce, your next partner.

 

good idea to expose. any consequences from that?

 

The mind movies are horrible. Like PTSD, they will fade in time. if they do not, then you know you will never be able to forgive her and must divorce her. You cannot punish someone for a lifetime if you hope to have a happy and rewarding relationship.

 

Do you love her? love her enough to work very hard towards reconciling, because it is a hard and painful journey if done properly.

 

Dig deep in your heart for the answer to that. Do not be the guy who wanted to win but then having won, no longer wants the prize.

[SmokeRat]

The odd thing is my wife isn't mean spirited. Shallow, probably.

 

It should also be noted that, while she refuses to perform certain sexual acts with me, it was perfectly fine to perform them with her lover.

 

That really burned (HA!) my bottom.

 

There is a lot more to the story (back details and whatnot), but I am not going to bore the community with them.

 

I do appreciate the replies and the support.

 

It's odd that nearly every single woman I have ever met, wants to be with a firefighter, once they get one and learn that it's not at all like 'Rescue Me', they bail ship.

 

Now I'm not talking down the profession that my wife does, as her and the OM are highschool teachers. But let's face it, if you lined a fire fighter up beside a chemistry teacher and asked the majority of women to pick, well, it's pretty obvious.

 

I take my job very seriously, and that comes with a large ego. Part of the job, and my wife was made very clear about the ego. Now the ego isn't, 'OMG LOOK AT ME I'M A FIRE FIGHTER' ego, it's a proud, serious ego. There is no job that I would rather do, and one day when I do die, I pray its on the job, doing what I was meant to be doing.

 

The OM, is a chem teacher, has three kids and lovely wife. Enormous house, nice cars and makes more than I do. Which is fine, I do my job because I know I am making a difference every day, not for the money. Now I'm not the largest firefighter, standing only 5'8" and 185 wet, and managed to get onto the calenders multiple years. So I'm not great to look at, but I'm not horrible either.

 

The OM is 6'8", 215, works out like a juice pig and does MMA on the side. My wife said that's were the 'fun and a thrill' came from, since he fights for a living and he's just used to taking what he wants, blah blah blah.

 

I broke it down for her, that 343 firefighters died in 911. 343. Where I work, we've had 4 deaths due to a lean-to collapse. People I worked with. Yet, sex with me isn't 'fun and a thrill' even though she's well aware, that one day I may not come home. I can say honestly that my proud ego has been hurt badly, by some man who has never put his life on the line, or contributed more than doing his job by teaching, and boxing someones head in.

 

My wife does have a strong dislike for my work ego and tells me regularly that I'm just a fire fighter and I'm not better than a teacher or a garbage man. Which, honestly is true. Both those professions are as important as any Emergency Service Worker (Para, Fire, Police).

 

I just cannot understand the attraction, but again he's much older than me, and she's always had a thing for well established older married men. As she has done this before with another person.

 

Just looking for insight, good, bad or ugly.

[JamesM]

I just cannot understand the attraction, but again he's much older than me, and she's always had a thing for well established older married men. As she has done this before with another person.

 

Just looking for insight, good, bad or ugly.

 

She did what before? Had a relationship with an older man or cheated?

 

Question to you....WHY do you want to reconcile? What is there about her that makes you desire her even after you know she cheated over and over with this guy?

 

When do you think you will trust her again?

 

Personally, I would find it difficult to reconcile based on what you said. There may have been flaws with your marriage, but her choice to cheat again and again with the same guy indicates that she didn't value your marriage up until now.

 

What makes you think she will value it in the future?

 

It is easy to find a gf in your profession, but it is hard to find a wife. I understand that. Yet to stay with one who doesn't value you and respect your profession cannot be better than being single, can it?

 

I do not believe you are getting the complete truth, and I don't see her staying away from this guy.

 

BTW, I am curious too...what happened after he was outed? Did his wife find out?

[SmokeRat]

I did write in my last post that teachers have their places as well, so I'm not saying I am better than they are.

 

Why will do it again?

 

Well maybe she will, but I do have a rather large axe hanging over both their heads.

 

I did speak to the OM once on the phone when they finally cut off all contact. I told him that I have close to 100 emails and hundreds of texts, videos and so forth stashed away in a safety box in a department house on a USB stick.

 

If either my wife or he have any contact, any at all, I will mass release this information onto facebook, twitter, his (and her) school, friends, family, co-workers and so on. The school they work at is rather prestigious and has very low tolerances for anything that may tarnish their reputation.

 

His wife already knows from a facebook message I sent her with a tidbit of what they were up to. And he knows that I have no problems involving his children (who are both students of my wife), if comes to that.

 

Firefighters are very protective of their own, and that includes other firefighters wives/husbands. My wife is finding it very hard to come by the hall sometimes because depending on who's working that day, she'll either get friendly hellos or they will just walk past her without even so much as a glance.

 

Ultimately, she knows that if she continues this affair in any way, there is going to be a giant poopstorm that she'll never recover from. Me, sure I'd look like an a-hole, but I know I wouldn't lose my job or my reputation with the people that respect me.

 

Her family and my family also know about the affair, so I've made it a mission to ensure that anyone who knows her, is aware so that it makes it that much more difficult to do this again.

 

I do love my wife, but her actions have made me question my masculinity (to the point where I almost always wear my Fire and Rescue hoodie everywhere). Why wasn't I good enough? If it was so hard being with me, because of my job, why didn't she just leave me and not have the best of both worlds?

 

And so on.

[SmokeRat]

Admittely she is trying.

 

On a side note, I want to quote something from a message I had with the OM.

 

Me: Listen, you f'd my wife for two years, we're looking at divorcing so she's your responsibility now. But I feel I have a duty to inform you of the work you are walking into.

 

OM: Oh yea?

 

Me: Yes. First let me list her health problems so that you can medically prepare yourself for anything:

- type 1 fragile diabetic

- heavy nerve damage due to diabetic neuropathy

- muscle damage due to diabetic neuropathy and spasms

- heavy retinal damage due to diabetic neuropathy

- body pains on a regular basis.

 

OM: Wow, she's got some heavy issues doesn't she. That sucks.

 

Me: Yes, if you want to call them issues.

 

And that's the last we've heard from him. I showed my wife those messages and she just about broke down crying. He had no idea she had those issues, probably because she masked them and never told him. But his reaction to it, and his subsequent dissapearance off the radar showed her he just want some young piece of bum.

 

Now what's to stop her from doing it again?

 

Well no, she hasn't quit her job. I'm fine with her working in the same building as him, as I have alerted a few of his and her co-workers about the affair. They are my eyes and ears while I am at work. It also helps that his wife is a Police Officer, so now he is on the radar.

 

I do see your point, if they are going to cheat, they will find a way. And I have explained that if this happens, I will eventually find out, and when I do all the information goes public. As well, she'll be stripped of any access to my fire pension as per the contract I have with my current union. That means no support whatsoever from my end. NONE.

 

Sure the court may try and fight my union contract, but that's why I pay union dues, to let the union fight that for me. And being an essential service, we tend to get our way. (which is what teachers should be, what the government is doing to teachers right now is silly).

 

But back to the point.

 

She is trying to show me she's trustworthy, to the point where she isn't even angry when I snipe her phone and look through it. She does however find it difficult to want to work through all of this, when I'm being sulky and angry. She wants to move forward, but she wants to do so without me wanting to bite her head off every 10 minutes.

 

For example:

 

We were watching Breaking Bad (awesome series), and there comes a part where Walt's wife starts sleeping with her boss. As soon as their scene came up and they slept together, I said "I'm out", I got up turned off the tv and went into the basement to clean some bunker gear.

 

She was rather upset about that, as cuddling on the couch and watching tv is one of our favorite things to do. But the image of those two characters going at it, triggered what it must have been like for my wife and OM.

 

It's funny how something as insignificant (and really, it is compared to what I sometimes see on a daily basis), can set me off.

 

But she tries, and I suppose that counts for something. I told her I'm taking things day by day. If one day I wake up and realize, this isn't worth it, then I'm out. She's welcome to ruin whatever marriage she'll want after that, but the truth is, she's going to have a very hard time finding someone to care for her in the long run once all her health problems become apparent. I care for my wife, because I love her, and her health problems do not bother me.

[standtall]

I also went down on one knee in front of her entire grade 10 english class.

 

 

Am I the only one to pick this up? Let me get this straight, you proposed to a 15 yr old?

[SmokeRat]

She's a highschool teacher, who teaches grade 10. Clear.

[Bugz Bunny]

Hi I am sorry for your situation...

 

I will start with a couple of questions first:

 

1. Is your wife still working with POSOM ?

2.How wide was the exposure ? Have you told her and your family about the affair ?

3. Do you have children together?

 

And now I will point out some facts about your story and then I will ask you again some questions:

 

Facts:

 

1. You are married 1,5 years and she is cheating for 2 years !!!

2.She ****ed him in your marital home for TWO years !!!

3.In this TWO years she was more his wife then she was your wife and she would be probably ****ing him right now if you didn't catch her...Actually she continued to **** him even after you found out !!!

4. She did things with him that she never allowed you to do...!!!

5.She has no respect for you and she doesn't love you because you don't do this to someone you love,and she is only sorry she got caught...!!!

6.When things cool down a little bit she will cheat again but this time she will hide it better.Actually she did a great job the first time by hiding it for TWO YEARS and the next time she will learn from her mistakes and wont use the marital home...(This one is not a fact yet but it will be if you stay with her)

 

And now after you read the facts please answer me some questions:

 

1.Why would you stay with her ? Why are you even considering a reconciliation ?

2. What are you reconciling,a marriage not for sure,because you never had a marriage with this woman in the first place ?

3.She ****ed someone for TWO years and she ****ed him in your marital home (ultimate humiliation and disrespect) so I ask you What is your deal breaker ?

4. After reading the facts what would you advice your friend to do if it was his situation and not yours ?

 

And for her saying that she just had sex with him because its something he wanted is only her continuing to BS you...You also wanted sex with her in those TWO years but I guess she had no problems saying NO to you...

 

If you dont have children with her dont have them now !!! As for advice I can only tell you to file for divorce,expose to her work,family and friends and start a new chapter in your life without her.Move on and find someone who will love and respect you for what you are...Stop this marriage where you will be a detective your entire marriage by questioning her every phone call,her every coming late after work...Just divorce her and start living a better life !!!

 

Good Luck...

[Bryanp]

I have to ask why you think so little of yourself to even consider staying with this women. This is the worst case of total humiliation and disrespect I have ever read.

1. She was screwing this guy during your engagement.

2. You catch her screwing this guy 3 months after your marriage.

3. You catch her screwing this guy IN YOUR HOME.

4. She admits using your schedule when to screw him IN YOUR HOME.

5. She continues to screw him after she was caught.

6. She put your health at risk for STD's.

7. She explains the reason why is because it is thrilling to be in an affair.

8. She demeans your job.

 

You should have filed for an annulment immediately after you caught. If the roles were reversed would she have been so forgiving as you? She totally disrespects you as a man and a husband and has played you for a complete fool. My God if you do not respect yourself then who will?

 

You clearly married the wrong woman. There is no way after all of these humiliations toward you that she could ever respect a man who would keep forgiving her. Down deep she surely thinks you are a chump. Please seek counseling to understand why you would wish to stay with such a woman who humiliates you in such a manner. Are you proud that she is your wife? You deserve so much better. You would have to be a masochist to remain in this so-called marriage. This is the worst story ever. Good luck and find someone else who can truly love and respect you because it is clear she does not.

[SmokeRat]

Appreciate it brother. And the idea of divorce isn't off the table yet.

 

I believe in really trying for everything, giving more than you'll ever get. At the end of it, if it still doesn't work out, then at least I can walk away knowing I'm the bigger person and in the end, I'll be for the better.

 

I can rest easily some days knowing that no one has respect for the OM. And most people know about it.

 

I do remember he walked past my hall one day with his wife and kids, and a few guys at the hall started to pester him before the chief put a swift boot up their ass. The look of shame on his face, the anger on his wifes face and the look of curiousity on the kids faces made me smile. I know his eldest son wants to be a firefighter, and has visited our hall a few times. And I know for sure that makes his father very, very nervous.

 

I'm still young, and I know it. If it goes south in the next year or two, I'm not worried. My wife has much more to lose than I do, since her declining health and poor financials. If we ended up getting divorced she'd be cut off from my medical, which would more or less end her.

 

Now she admits she never thought she'd get caught, and that is also a reason she did it. But now being caught, and having everyone judge her everywhere she goes (even at family gatherings) has her constantly with her tail between her legs.

 

I do appreciate all the support, if it works, LS will know about it, just as if it doesn't work, you'll all know as well.

 

And to the person who said finding a girl as FF isn't hard, but finding a wife is. You are completely correct, there are plenty of college age girls that would kick a puppy to be with a firefighter (male or female), but they aren't wife material. The reality is, it's not a profession that is all rainbows and butterflies, that's why what TV and the media tell you.

[Bryanp]

I forgot to add point 9. She refuses to do sexual acts with you you that she did with her lover for 2 years.

10. She has cheated previously.

[Bryanp]

You still think she is wife material? She continued during it in your home and elsewhere for 2 years because she thought she would never be caught? This clearly means she would still be doing this if she was not caught. She clearly has no love for you and has a totally broken moral compass. Actually I think she is totally amoral.

[Mr. Lucky]

I can rest easily some days knowing that no one has respect for the OM. And most people know about it.

And yet you're going to respect and love your wife ??? What did the OM do that she didn't?

 

My friend, I'm all for saving marriages when possible. Just doesn't seem possible here. And I'm struck by the contradiction of your admirable and clear devotion to a calling that's all about consideration and care for those close to you when you seem clouded as to the depths of betrayal here. Doesn't add up...

 

Mr. Lucky

[SmokeRat]

I cannot disagree with you there.

 

She has a track record of doing this, but I have seen her being truely remorseful for what she did.

 

Her family tore a large strip off her, and my parents have removed her from the family will, for the estate in Panama. My father is much more forgiving, but my wife never expected my mother to have a temper. Then again, I haven't seen my mother go off on someone like that ever. And I once set her car on fire when I was 10.

 

Is she wife material? I think she can start being wife material now, that she's been outed and has seen consequences of such action.

[SmokeRat]

Mr. Lucky,

 

I understand your confusion about my devotion to a trade that demands loyalty and truth.

 

I know for a fact, health issues aside, my wife would fail as a firefighter as she lacks the key traits needed.

 

However, even though I am questioning leaving her, I need to make sure 110% I tried everything to save this marriage before I bail. It's the same mentality I have at work.

 

Call me a dreamer, or just naive. Probably a little of both.

[HonestNeurotic]

SmokeRat sez:

 

And he knows that I have no problems involving his children (who are both students of my wife), if comes to that.

 

Please leave the kids alone. They didn't DO ANYTHING.

 

It doesn't sound like you two belong together. I don't think she's the person that is going to love you and be a partner to you as you desire. She's unattainable. Let her go.

[Chi townD]

Well, you said it yourself. She does have a track record and, I'm sorry to say, that when folks catch their SO in "the act", the marriage usually never lasts. Plus, she's contradicting herself in your posts. At first, she said she did it because it "was fun and thrilling". Later, you stated that she did it because he wanted to have sex. You're getting snowballed.

 

And another thing. And I don't mean for this to come across as rude, but you might want to put that ego in check.

 

You made the comparsion of putting a firefighter and a Chem Teacher in a room full of women and see where their affections may turn towards. Well, here's the rub. That has already happened and it wasn't a room full of women, it was just one, one that really mattered. Guess which one she picked........

[SmokeRat]

And I totally understand that. Hence my severely bruised ego, although everyone else that knows about it is confused to high heaven.

 

A lot of it comes down to her preferences in men. I never really fit the pattern she followed. 99% of the men she was with were of the following:

 

-Hockey players

-Football players

-Soccer players

-High end stock brokers/business men

 

And then there is me:

 

-fire fighter.

 

So yes, I get your point. My ego was put into check by her cheating on me. But as rude as it may sound, I still hold myself higher than a teacher. Because society tells me I have to, lives on the line and all that. Chemistry lab lights on fire, Chemistry teacher doesn't try and attach a 2 alarm magnesium fire, they call in the Dept.

 

But I digress.

[SmokeRat]

Truth be told, it will probably end in divorce at some point.

 

But I am hanging onto whatever I can until I know for sure.

 

Again, I do appreciate all the support and insight from the community.

[Bryanp]

I just do not understand how you cannot be outraged that she cared so little for you and your marriage that she had no problem with having sex with her lover in your home. The symbolism of this is huge.

[CptSaveAho]

Are there any Men these days?

 

What are you holding on to? She's cheating on you, told you its convenient to cheat on you, has no intentions on stopping (past behavior) and you havent thrown her ass out of your house.

 

Its not complicated.

 

The problem isnt the Other Man... the problem is your cheating wife... pack her **** up put it on the front porch, change the locks, get a new girlfriend. PROFIT

[Charlie Harper]

I am going to be concise and blunt...

 

You like to save people.

You are trying to save your wife

You are trying to save your Marriage.

 

WHO IS GOING TO SAVE YOU ????

 

answer that and you will be able to make real decisions.

[stillafool]

I just do not understand how you cannot be outraged that she cared so little for you and your marriage that she had no problem with having sex with her lover in your home. The symbolism of this is huge.

 

I completely agree. Your wife acts like a tramp. I hope you wake up soon.