Wife had a continuous 2 year long affair

[Darth Vader]

And I totally understand that. Hence my severely bruised ego, although everyone else that knows about it is confused to high heaven.

 

A lot of it comes down to her preferences in men. I never really fit the pattern she followed. 99% of the men she was with were of the following:

 

-Hockey players

-Football players

-Soccer players

-High end stock brokers/business men

 

And then there is me:

 

-fire fighter.

 

So yes, I get your point. My ego was put into check by her cheating on me. But as rude as it may sound, I still hold myself higher than a teacher. Because society tells me I have to, lives on the line and all that. Chemistry lab lights on fire, Chemistry teacher doesn't try and attach a 2 alarm magnesium fire, they call in the Dept.

 

But I digress.

 

 

Firefighters, Doctors and Lawyers all have one thing in common! They hold peoples lives in their hands! NEVER FORGET THAT!

[SmokeRat]

Just wanted to post an update regarding my situation laid out in my previous post about my wife's infidelity.

 

I've managed to be refered to and accepted by a leading Therapist in the area I live in. Just going for some IC first, and if the therapist is confident with my results, she will want to pull my wife into MC with her.

 

From what I gathered during our meet and greet, she's a no bullsh%t therapist. She goes directly for the throat and avoids sugar coating everything. The main reason I'm doing IC first, is to find out whether I can handle staying in my marriage after what my wife put me through, and even if I can handle it, can my wife handle it.

 

My wife and I have had some good days recently, and then plenty of bad days. I've tried explaining to my wife that I need to vent, and be angry. But she just brings up that it's in the past, it will not happen again and to just let it be. Move forward and work on us.

 

Since she has never had someone cheat on her (at least that she has known about), I do believe she fully understands the implications of what she did. The amount of energy that went into starting the affair and then continually hiding it, even after being caught.

 

Hopefully this therapy helps me work through my issues with what she did, and after I sort myself out, I'll drag her into MC. The alternative that the therapist offered me is that after my sessions, once I am centered, if my wife refuses to come to MC, that I file immediately for divorce and follow through.

 

I'll let everyone know how the first official session goes, as I am scheduled to go in immediately after my fire shift on friday.

 

Cheers!

[BetrayedH]

But she just brings up that it's in the past, it will not happen again and to just let it be. Move forward and work on us.

 

^^^ This is called rugsweeping. It accomplishes nothing. Your wife does no introspection to understand why she had the affair, which might at least help her to avoid using this unhealthy, unethical, and destructive coping mechanism in the future. As well, her lack of introspection gives you no basis to believe that she won't use this coping mechanism again. As usual with waywards in the beginning stages, she just wants you to "get over it, stop staying stuck in the past, stop obsessing, look forward, blah, blah, blah."

 

The good thing is that it sounds like you have a great IC/MC that ain't gonna play that game. I love that she says to file if your wife refuses MC. You NEED to establish healthy boundaries about what behavior is acceptable and required in order for you to remain in the marriage. Your wife ain't driving the bus; she already smashed it into a tree. If she refuses to address this affair, you should file.

[RobD70]

My wife and I have had some good days recently, and then plenty of bad days. I've tried explaining to my wife that I need to vent, and be angry. But she just brings up that it's in the past, it will not happen again and to just let it be. Move forward and work on us.

 

It never should have happened in the first place.

 

Considering how easily and early in the marriage that she decided to cheat, simply going to IC/MC isn’t going to fix it. She might say the past is in the past but the past is a good indicator of what the future holds.

 

You’ll never be able to trust her because she has shown you that she does not take monogamy seriously. Nobody should have to deal with a spouse like that; she should have never married you.

 

You should just walk away, this isn’t going to have a happy ending. I hate to say this but if you stay married to her she “wins”, she gets to have a faithful husband AND got to have a lover on the side to boot. What do you get out of this?

[Bryanp]

You are in huge denial. Clearly there is no amount of total disrespect and humiliation that you are willing to endure. I am sure if the roles were reversed she would never accept such total humiliation from you.

[Realist3]

Two things you need to do:

 

Have her take a polygraph to see if she actually did enjoy the sex with him (you described it as hot and passionate) - someone who doesn't enjoy it generally doesn't make it seem hot and/or passionate.

 

You need to drop in unexpectedly at lease once a week or so (when she thinks you're working - to see what she's up to.

 

 

I'm curious as to the point of this. Whether she enjoyed hot and passionate sex? Yes. She kept it up for two years. We know the answer already.

 

"Yes, I loved every minute of it. It was extremely satisfying."

 

Where does that get him?

[SmokeRat]

I'm going to see how IC goes for a little bit, and if she even hints are refusing MC, then I will follow the orders of my Therapist and immediately terminate the marriage.

 

Divorce papers will be signed, and she'll be done.

 

As for the sex part, the sex was a means to an end for her. He gave her all the emotional support in the world while her 'emotionally unavailable and always gone husband, who sometimes would get upset with her when she wasn't taking her sugars regularly, which would subsequently lead to about 2-3 weeks being hospitalized' you get the point.

 

I've pointed out to her before, that when I'm at the fire hall, or I'm on a call, I cannot just get up and tell my Incident Commander 'Hey Steve, yea....you know that fire on the third floor of the hospital....can't do it man, have to go and drive my wife to the hospital because she forgot to put on her insulin pump again'.

 

He provided her with that support when I was working. In exchange he got a massive ego boost because he was sleeping with a younger woman.

 

I believe the affair is over. The OM's wife stopped by and chatted with me the other day. She has his balls in a rather firm vice and is leveraging his own kids against him. They are both in their late teens, and when they found out their father cheated on their mother, from what I'm told by the OM-W, they went absolutely ape****. His daughter actually threatened to kill herslf after finding out, and subsequently was admitted to the local hospital for taking too many Tylenol 3's.

 

Because of that, her reason for trying to kill herself is linked to her father. Whom had to go to the hospital. As well, his daughters friends went to the hospital to see her, which lead them to posting things on facebook and the school's facebook. You get the picture.

 

Does this change what my wife did. No. But am I confident her affair with DoucheBag McF%^kstick is over. Yes.

 

The entire town knows about it, and I've caught glances of people who see my wife and the dirty looks they give her. She's also agreed to hand over all her passwords (which includes her cell phone bill password, bank account passwords), so that I can watch everything she is doing.

 

Is this going to stop her, or anyone, from cheating again if they really want it? No. But it buys me some time to figure myself out in IC, and see if I really want this after that. Until then, she can't even take out cash without me knowing about it, or send a text to someone without me knowing who she sent the text to and what the text read.

 

I figure, her giving me all that control, has to count for something.

[Darren Steez]

I'm going to see how IC goes for a little bit, and if she even hints are refusing MC, then I will follow the orders of my Therapist and immediately terminate the marriage.

 

Divorce papers will be signed, and she'll be done.

 

As for the sex part, the sex was a means to an end for her. He gave her all the emotional support in the world while her 'emotionally unavailable and always gone husband, who sometimes would get upset with her when she wasn't taking her sugars regularly, which would subsequently lead to about 2-3 weeks being hospitalized' you get the point.

 

I've pointed out to her before, that when I'm at the fire hall, or I'm on a call, I cannot just get up and tell my Incident Commander 'Hey Steve, yea....you know that fire on the third floor of the hospital....can't do it man, have to go and drive my wife to the hospital because she forgot to put on her insulin pump again'.

 

He provided her with that support when I was working. In exchange he got a massive ego boost because he was sleeping with a younger woman.

 

I believe the affair is over. The OM's wife stopped by and chatted with me the other day. She has his balls in a rather firm vice and is leveraging his own kids against him. They are both in their late teens, and when they found out their father cheated on their mother, from what I'm told by the OM-W, they went absolutely ape****. His daughter actually threatened to kill herslf after finding out, and subsequently was admitted to the local hospital for taking too many Tylenol 3's.

 

Because of that, her reason for trying to kill herself is linked to her father. Whom had to go to the hospital. As well, his daughters friends went to the hospital to see her, which lead them to posting things on facebook and the school's facebook. You get the picture.

 

Does this change what my wife did. No. But am I confident her affair with DoucheBag McF%^kstick is over. Yes.

 

The entire town knows about it, and I've caught glances of people who see my wife and the dirty looks they give her. She's also agreed to hand over all her passwords (which includes her cell phone bill password, bank account passwords), so that I can watch everything she is doing.

 

Is this going to stop her, or anyone, from cheating again if they really want it? No. But it buys me some time to figure myself out in IC, and see if I really want this after that. Until then, she can't even take out cash without me knowing about it, or send a text to someone without me knowing who she sent the text to and what the text read.

 

I figure, her giving me all that control, has to count for something.

 

If that explanation makes you feel better at night then go ahead. Two years of sex, and she kept going back for more..

[turnera]

It's odd that I never grew up to resent my father. I saw him as this paragon of virtue and truth.

 

He was never a really loving father, I mean, he loves me, but he never showed it. But, even during punishments, I never resented him. I felt so horrible that I shamed my father and mother.

 

Lots of people call that brainwashing, but I call it tough love.

I call it bordering on mental abuse. And, like a typical abuse victim, you idolize your dad and what he does. And emulate him.

 

Not a great model for keeping a wife.

[turnera]

the sex was a means to an end for her. He gave her all the emotional support in the world while her 'emotionally unavailable and always gone husband, who sometimes would get upset with her when she wasn't taking her sugars regularly, which would subsequently lead to about 2-3 weeks being hospitalized' you get the point. I've pointed out to her before, that when I'm at the fire hall, or I'm on a call, I cannot just get up and tell my Incident Commander 'Hey Steve, yea....you know that fire on the third floor of the hospital....can't do it man, have to go and drive my wife to the hospital because she forgot to put on her insulin pump again'.

Is this going to stop her, or anyone, from cheating again if they really want it? No. But it buys me some time to figure myself out in IC, and see if I really want this after that. Until then, she can't even take out cash without me knowing about it, or send a text to someone without me knowing who she sent the text to and what the text read.

 

I figure, her giving me all that control, has to count for something.

Yeah, she's scared to death of you.

[SmokeRat]

@ turnera:

While I appreciate your input, I enjoy how you highlighted all those points.

 

Emotionally unavailable, yes, because at times when I get back from a fire. Things do not go well. You think I'm emotionally available after pulling a toddler out of a car seat that has melted to the C-Spine of a car frame? Do you think I'm emotionally available after two of my hall mates were killed from a lean-to failure?

 

She knew going into this marriage, that there will be times, I'll be an emotional dead zone. It comes with the territory and every soon to be wife/husband is given a sit down chit chat by the Chief and CISM Officers. It's there 'get out of jail free card' so to speak.

 

I also remind you, that my wife gave me those passwords and control over here personals. Also, why was I upset with her when she was ill?

 

Because after 14 hospital visits in one year, the doctors would stop responding to her. She'd have to get a different Doctor. I can only help her so much with her sickness, after that she will have to WANT to help herself.

 

And as for my father. I know he loves me unconditionally. But he has high expectation of me, and I have high expectations of myself. Abuse? No.

 

Am I great role model for my wife. Yes I am. I have never strayed, and I have been there whenever she needs me, even after the multiple affairs. Have I left fire scenes before, to tend to her, yes I have, but only by the grace of my superiors.

 

Is she scared of me? Maybe. I've never been aggressive with her, hit her, or verbally abused her.

 

So before you go on the attack, maybe read my original post, see what I have gone through, and realize that she signed up to be married to someone who is also married to his job.

[turnera]

*shrug*

 

I stand by my assessment.

[2sunny]

I'm left wondering why you play the role of her parent - why would that role in a M be healthy? YOU can't CONTROL her.

 

She's responsible for HERSELF man! If she can't remember to take her insulin - there are consequences for her... She knows those consequences...yet she still misses her meds - she's a child.

 

She needs to grow up! She's not likely to do that while you're handling all her baggage FOR HER.

 

And the rug sweeping on her part - really means she's not sorry she did it.

 

Glad you're getting the help for YOURSELF - your choices need examining.

 

Her consequences are the result of HER choices! Don't take any of them away - she needs to feel what pain SHE'S caused.

 

Why you're staying is beyond belief...

[Realist3]

Because he loves her.

[Realist3]

This place is populated by people distraught over love. Each situation has a different breaking point. For most who post here it is infidelity. Realtionships/ marriages stay together and end for all sorts of reasons. Just because his reasons for ending do not mesh with other's reasons does not matter. Despite her actions, he still wants her. There is nothing wrong with that.

[2sunny]

This place is populated by people distraught over love. Each situation has a different breaking point. For most who post here it is infidelity. Realtionships/ marriages stay together and end for all sorts of reasons. Just because his reasons for ending do not mesh with other's reasons does not matter. Despite her actions, he still wants her. There is nothing wrong with that.

 

If that's his preference - of course.

 

Is it healthy?

Does it show good choices?

Is it balanced?

Is it kind and loving?

 

Doesn't seem so...

 

His choice - yes... Doesn't mean it doesn't look like he doesn't think enough of himself to expect more from a marriage.

 

His W hasn't been:

Honest

Committed

Faithful

Loving

A giver

A friend

A person who has his back

 

She's not been a partner. She's taken him for stupid and expects he will stay longer.

[Realist3]

If that's his preference - of course.

 

Is it healthy?

Does it show good choices?

Is it balanced?

Is it kind and loving?

 

Doesn't seem so...

 

His choice - yes... Doesn't mean it doesn't look like he doesn't think enough of himself to expect more from a marriage.

 

His W hasn't been:

Honest

Committed

Faithful

Loving

A giver

A friend

A person who has his back

 

She's not been a partner. She's taken him for stupid and expects he will stay longer.

 

Yes, most certainly what you stated is true. I myself earlier in this thread could not wrap my head around his desire to stay. I suggested he leave.

 

But at the end of the day, no matter how much we hear from a description of a relationship gone wrong, and whatever someone decides to share about their own story there is always something that is missing, the human element. The bond they share. No matter how broken it may seem to us looking in from the outside with the information that has been shared. It is still there. So while it may not match up to a list of what should be expected or desired, it still has its own specialness.

 

I decided it is not my position to prod him one way or the other. He loves her. He wouldn't be doing all of this if he didn't.

Edited January 24, 2013 by Realist3

[SmokeRat]

Appreciate all the time and effort that everyone has put into this thread. To all of you that have contributed your time and thoughts to help me through all of this, I am very grateful.

 

Had a very serious sit down talk with my wife last night during dinner.

 

I finally stood up for myself and told her that she needs to sort her self out, and figure out if she even wants to be with me anymore. She admitted last night that she did actually love this OM, as much as she loved me, but neither of them ever discussed leaving this spouses. She also admitted that she's frustrated and upset that my recovery is taking so long, that I have outbursts and am angry for days on end. Because of these outbursts there are days she doesn't even want to come home to me.

 

So I laid it out very simply for her. I am going to IC to fix this marriage. If I come out of IC and still feel that I want to work on this marriage than great, because that's why I am going. Her reasoning for going to IC, is to fix herself first, and then decide if she wants to work on the marriage after.

 

So after about two hours of going back and forth, and watching her shut down and cry, I picked her up out of the kitchen chair, and brought her over to the couch. Where I proceed to lay her down, snuggle up with her and turn on the tv to watch friends. I told her that I'm finished letting her and Paul (the OM), dictate my happiness. And I'm finished letting him take my wife away from me, I'm also finished with my wife showing me second hand love.

 

She bawled (sp?) for hours after that, our poor little pug was so confused what was going on.

 

I'm going to go to IC this Friday, and lay everything out for the Therapist. That my wife fell in love with a married man, that she never was going to leave me despite having an affair, and she carried on for two years. I'll lay down all my faults, such as my emotional detachment after certains events at fire scenes, and I lay out that I've been frustrated to the point of just walking out of the room when she's not been caring for herself.

 

I'm not going to sell myself as some sort of Saint to the therapist. I've given her a deadline to figure out whether or not she wants to be in this relationship 110%. She has until March 31th, 2013, because after that I'll be shipping off to Texas for some advanced fire training that will lead to a hefty promotion within my hall.

 

When that time comes I need to have my head clear and have a direction in life. Whether I go into that program with a wife that I can trust and is dedicated to me, or I go into that course a divorced man without having to worry what my ex-wife is up to, doesn't matter to me. It either has to be one or the other.

[BetrayedH]

Hope it works out for you.

[Bugz Bunny]

I am following this story from the beginning and its just sad to see how he is allowing his WW to piss on him again,again,again and again...its sad to see how he is so codependent and has no self respect...

 

Dear friend please weak up and open your eyes and start seeing her for what she is...she had an affair that was longer then your marriage,by telling you that its in the past,etc she is continuing to show disrespect towards you and your pain and that she doesnt care about you...and NO she doesnt love you and YES she probably loves the OM because she was more invested in him and his feelings and needs and would do even now so if it wasnt for exposure and her fear of being even more judged by the important people in your and her life...

 

I hope that this IC is freaking great in his job and that he will open your eyes so that you can see again,that you can see that she doesnt love you and probably never has and that she was just using you,and that you are her fallback guy her second choice...I hope this IC can help you to realize that you are more worth then this,that you are more worth than a second choice ,that you are more worth then being a "nurse" to someone that ****s on you for all your marriage and that you are more worth than what you are settling for...

 

And again my friend I hope you will weak up soon from this "BS fog" and start a new chapter in your life,a happier chapter in your life and with someone who will know to appreciate you...

 

Good luck

Edited January 24, 2013 by Bugz Bunny

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

And I thought I was in denial and mired in co-dependency....

 

SmokeRat, you're being cake-ate to the extreme and you are enabling an addict's behavior. You'll get what you deserve, and unfortunately my friend it will not be a healthy relationship. You are continuing to play the white knight, continuing to afford her the power in this relationship, and continuing to ignore all the tried and true advice from those that have traveled your path before you.

 

Please for your sake, wake the hell up.....

[Darren Steez]

While I commend you for taking the steps you have, here's the thing

 

She still loves this guy, if she really wanted to be with you and save this marriage, she would have immediately committed to you, yet she still hangs on, stringing you along.

 

What do you expect to happen by deadline that shouldn't have already happened? Her to love you more, her to fall out of love with OM. She can say all the things you want to hear but no deadline will change what's in her heart or indeed her head, merely safe in the knowledge that a few right words will hook you along for another couple of years because no one else will look after her.

 

I hate this word, but it's pathetic, a gummy bear wrapping itself in a veneer of false hardness, yet you're still who you are inside, she knows it and will manipulate you to her ends.

[drifter777]

SmokeRat; you have become the very definition of codependency. Keep up the IC - it's your best chance for recovery.

[SmokeRat]

Once the deadline hits, I'll be shipping off to Texas. Where I will stay for the duration of my training.

 

If, by that time, nothing improves, or she doesn't apply herself, or anything for that matter. I've committed to filing the divorce papers.

 

She's seen the papers, they are sitting nicely on my kitchen table. More than anything I am giving myself a deadline, I have to be in top form for when I go off to Texas, no emotional baggage, no hang ups.

 

So come the end of March of this year, I'll be back on the forums with something concrete, that's for certain.

[SmokeRat]

Ultimately if by that time, she decides to not apply herself, then what she does while I am gone is of no concern to me.

 

It'll be awfully hard to bring him over when my hall mate and his wife are staying at my house to house sit.

 

Might also be hard for her to meet up with the OM, since her mother is having her go to her place, about 4 hours away.

 

But I do see your point