Wife had a continuous 2 year long affair

[JamesM]

I cannot disagree with you there.

 

She has a track record of doing this, but I have seen her being truely remorseful for what she did.

 

Her family tore a large strip off her, and my parents have removed her from the family will, for the estate in Panama. My father is much more forgiving, but my wife never expected my mother to have a temper. Then again, I haven't seen my mother go off on someone like that ever. And I once set her car on fire when I was 10.

 

Is she wife material? I think she can start being wife material now, that she's been outed and has seen consequences of such action.

 

I respectfully agree that she is remorseful but disagree as to why.

 

She is remorseful because she was caught and sees the consequences. I don't see that she is remorseful for what she has done.

 

Unless she shows remorse for her affair despite being caught, then I don't see how you two can rebuild your marriage.

[Chi townD]

Okay, but you're using your occupation as a "mack daddy" meter. But, it all boils down to you (as a person) and your wife. Look, nothing wrong with being proud of what you do for a living. But, be honest, being a firefighter is only a small part of who you are. It doesn't define who you are.

[Spark1111]

sex in the marital home and bed is often a sign of childhood rebellion, punishing mommy or daddy who did not pay enough attention to you. Sorry, smoke but that is downright vengeful.

 

And it may have nothing to do with you. it may have something to do with long, long ago that was projected onto you. And it will take tons of therapy to sort it out.

 

Want to wait that long?

 

Secondly, we ALL take a hit to our egos and compare the AP to ourselves. That's natural. It may take 2 to 5 years to realize the AP is OFTEN chosen because it empowers the WS, someone they can feel superior to, hence the phrase "they often affair down."

 

Scenes in movies, places, books, the newspapers, songs, times will continue to trigger you for a long time, whether you stay married or not. She should be there helping you through them.

 

cheaters can share the characteristics of low self-esteem, conflict-avoidant and poor communication skills, especially regarding their needs.

 

But you cannot change her or save her from herself. Only she can do that.

[whichwayisup]

 

My wife does have a strong dislike for my work ego and tells me regularly that I'm just a fire fighter and I'm not better than a teacher or a garbage man. Which, honestly is true. Both those professions are as important as any Emergency Service Worker (Para, Fire, Police).

 

I just cannot understand the attraction, but again he's much older than me, and she's always had a thing for well established older married men. As she has done this before with another person.

 

Just looking for insight, good, bad or ugly.

 

First off, it takes a certain type of person to do what you do. I respect those who are fire fighters, police, paramedics, in the army... To put your life on the line for someone else - You all don't get paid enough! (I have many fire fighter and police friends) Your wife should be proud of what you do! Okay, had to get that off my chest.

It seems she had started sleeping with him, just two weeks after our engagement and kept sleeping with him even after I caught the two of them

 

I usually don't tell people to divorce - But in your situation since it seems your wife doesn't seem too remorseful about her cheating on you for most of your marriage, not sure if she deserves a chance. What has she actually done to regain your love, trust and faith again? She still sees this guy and is in contact with him? Is she an open book, allowing you access to her cell and email, anytime you feel like looking?

 

Have you spoken the MM's wife? If not, do so.

 

If she willing to work 100 percent on fixing herself, and working with you on the marriage, then maybe give it a shot. Though I'm not sure there's much to salvage since your marriage has been a lie, her cheating on you throughout most of it SUCKS!

[Darren Steez]

Are there any Men these days?

 

What are you holding on to? She's cheating on you, told you its convenient to cheat on you, has no intentions on stopping (past behavior) and you havent thrown her ass out of your house.

 

Its not complicated.

 

The problem isnt the Other Man... the problem is your cheating wife... pack her **** up put it on the front porch, change the locks, get a new girlfriend. PROFIT

 

Hehe, cheated on before engagement and all through the marriage...pffft. Does raise the heckles but if he wants to save his marriage, good luck to him. They truly deserve each other.

[JamesM]

 

One thing that really hits me is that the OM has been as much married to the WS as the OP... She cheated even before marrying him...

 

This is interesting. I hadn't thought of it this way. I think she gets different needs filled from each man. I highly doubt that she can suddenly shut off her feelings for the OM.

 

 

I think is the lowest story of infidelity I have ever heard about .....

 

Oh no. I have read of many worse. My favorite is the poster here (not saying my opinion) who is cheating on his wife with a woman who he is also cheating on with another woman. I gotta admire a man with such creativity and strategic planning.

[SmokeRat]

At Chi D:

 

I do understand what you are saying, I really do. But something every spouse (whether male or female) is told before hitching up with a firefighter is that it's not just a job. It's your life. Plain and simple. Those people in your hall become your family and friends, outside of your real family and friends. Wives and husbands are warned that sometimes, your partner wont want to talk to you about what happened, or maybe they do not want to come home after a hard day. They just want to lay on the couch at the hall and cry, or vent or whatever else they deem needed. The job defines you, it consumes you, you are the job.

 

So as shallow as it may make me look, or as cheesy as it sounds, I am the firefighter.

 

Now when I come home, I make every effort to be attentative and loving. I have a routine when I get home from a shift, I come inside, I walk directly to my wife and I give hugs and kisses and ask how her day went. I then proceed to play with my pug puppy for about 20 minutes. Shower(s) follow shortly after.

 

Now the question has been presented that she only feels bad because she was caught, I partially agree with that. But I believe she also knows how deeply she has hurt me, by how quickly I retaliated with outsing the affair after it all came to an end. She told me in all honesty that she never expected me to go public with it, and put her career and reputation out there. As well as go after the career, reputation and family of the OM. Well I did, and it scared her so bad that she had to stay with her mother for a few days.

 

She's seen a side of me that only drunk drivers that manage to endanger little children get to see. If the references to my career are coming off as egotistical, I apologize, but you have to understand that with my confidence in my marriage shattered, all I really have left is my confidence is doing the job I love so much.

 

Anywho, someone brought up that having sex in the house is a sign of rebellious behavior. Let me give you some background on the sex and all that.

 

During a two year period, they have sex 5-6 times. Of those times, only once was in my house, the other 4-5 were in his house. Regardless, not cool. My wife had a good upbringing, parents worked hard, taught their kids morals and all that. However, my wife was molested by a family member on two occasions. This was news to me until we started to see a therapist, and she went through some hypnotherapy and all that jazz.

 

I have sympathy for my wife on that front, but it ends there. I know plenty of people who have gone through worse, and still never resorted to such behavior. By that logic, I should be a raving alcoholic, drowning myself in booze to erase some of the things I've seen and smelled. She is hesitant to speak to therapists because she's afraid to face herself. She's al incredibly talented at compartmentalising her emotions. Which I figure is an excellent trait of a cheater.

 

Do I think it can work? I believe there is a sliver of a chance. But even a sliver is enough for me right now, and she knows if I catch wind of anything I'll be gone that instant. At this point, I have nothing to lose and she has everything to lose.

 

I do not condone her behaviour, as I have had countless chances to have an affair. I've had offers, I've had numbers stuffed into my bunker coat and cards dropped off at the hall. Everyone of them has gone through a paper shredder, and my wife has been informed. She's been out with me during charity events and she is so sure of my loyalty that she doesn't even become jealous when woman start passing me numbers (I do not get many, so I'm not trying to blow myself up). It would be nice to see a little, 'hey, that's my man, back off nancy' kind of behavior.

 

But such is life.

 

She's at home today because her sugars were 19.6 and her infusion site was leaking insulin all night. So her health is poor today. All day I've been worried that maybe, the OM took the day off work and is over there right now, having his way with her, while she sucks up the sickness and makes it work.

 

It is illogical thought and I know that, but those are the images that haunt me. I've been told it takes 2-5 years before things get better from the last incident, and I understand that. I'll be heading to solo therapy to sort out a few things too, as my Chief is worried that it's not just stress but something similar to PTSD. That's something an emergency worker cannot afford to have.

 

After I confronted her the final time about the affairs and really let her have it, she cried for so long and so hard she actually drove herself into DKA due to throwing up. For about two days I couldn't touch her because she'd just scream she was disgusting, whore, tramp, slut and plenty of other names. I had to take her to the hospital after that because she couldn't get out of the DKA, and she spent five days on IV's and insulin pumps.

 

Another incident happened shortly after she was released from the hospital. A buddy of mine off shift drove past our house and mentioned that my wifes car was still in the driveway, this was at 1:15pm on a Wednesday. She should have been at work. So I bolted out of work and drove home to find her on the floor, passed out and not responding. Rolled her over for a pulse and found her insulin pump had been turned off. She'd probably turned it off when I left for work at 5am, and had been laying there for hours.

 

Her family and mine (plus the doctors) figured it was a suicide attempt due to the guilt. She denies that, but there is no other reason for the insulin pump to be physically turned off and the injection site unplugged.

 

Once again, I do appreciate all the feed back. I tend to not take the internet seriously and I do take what everyone writes with a pinch of salt. But that the fact that each of you took some time out of YOUR day to assist with my issues is truely nice. Thank you all.

[BrokenPrincess]

Hey are you a firefighter?

[SmokeRat]

Yes I am. Four years on the job.

[whichwayisup]

At Chi D:

 

I do understand what you are saying, I really do. But something every spouse (whether male or female) is told before hitching up with a firefighter is that it's not just a job. It's your life. Plain and simple. Those people in your hall become your family and friends, outside of your real family and friends. Wives and husbands are warned that sometimes, your partner wont want to talk to you about what happened, or maybe they do not want to come home after a hard day. They just want to lay on the couch at the hall and cry, or vent or whatever else they deem needed. The job defines you, it consumes you, you are the job.

 

So as shallow as it may make me look, or as cheesy as it sounds, I am the firefighter.

 

Very true. It takes a certain type of spouse too, to able to handle having a firefighter, a cop, a paramedic, someone in the army as a husband or wife. The job comes first. It isn't easy and not all marriages can tough it out, but the ones that do, are really special and meaningful.

 

Smoke, fact that your wife and the MM are still working together, trusting her again is going to be much harder. Is she willing to go to another school to teach?

[SmokeRat]

She has actually been transfered to a special needs school for children with OCD, ADHD and ODD. I got three days of the silent treatment because of that transfer.

 

My hunch is one of her co-workers I told to keep an eye on the two of them, either figured something would happen or just didn't want to take a chance, and pushed for her to be removed.

 

The order for transfer came right from the Principal and was signed off by the Board.

[SmokeRat]

I hear you M&M.

 

I believe she does feel for me, I believe she is so disgusted with herself that she was capable of inflicting such a wound on someone. Especially someone that she does love, and I do believe that she loves me.

 

I actually did a bit of tracing on their emails and whatnot, and every email lined up with a date that they had sex. So unless they had sex without correspondance, I have no reason to believe it was more than that. But again, I hear you.

 

Is she over the other man? I believe she got over him very quickly after I showed her how fast he ran away after learning how much maintenance is required to keep my wife operational. It's the reason all her other boyfriends/affairs ended. Once they learned that she can only work so many days a month and even those days she's hurting and medicated to high heaven. It's a lot to put on someones shoulders, but it's a reality I will outlive my wife.

 

She has been transfered to another school, as I stated in a previous post. As per an order from her prinicipal that was authorized by the Board.

[SmokeRat]

Appreciate the support brother. As things unfold I'll be posting on this forum post, if people are still interested they can discuss and critique.

[Bryanp]

Has she explained to you why she engaged in specific sexual acts with the OM but not allowed you to engage in these acts with her. Are you still not allowed?

How could she justify this?

[jlola]

Please look up BPD or borderline personality. Your wife seems to fit the description. They are prone to affairs. They are also charismatic and often attractive. They are the exact type of women ho will be caught in an affair. Beg you to forgive them. then calmly pick up the phone and continue the affair,just become better at hiding it.

 

Even if you get her away from this teacher. If she had borderline personality she ill find another willing man. As they can be very seductive during the honeymoon stage. The advice for men involved with such women is to RUN!! They will never change.

 

 

I cannot disagree with you there.

 

She has a track record of doing this, but I have seen her being truely remorseful for what she did.

 

Her family tore a large strip off her, and my parents have removed her from the family will, for the estate in Panama. My father is much more forgiving, but my wife never expected my mother to have a temper. Then again, I haven't seen my mother go off on someone like that ever. And I once set her car on fire when I was 10.

 

Is she wife material? I think she can start being wife material now, that she's been outed and has seen consequences of such action.

[SmokeRat]

She explained that the OM expected those acts and she just went along with it. She's not a large fan of oral, since one of her ex's more of less just forced it in, whether she wanted it or not.

 

Since all this, she is more willing to provide for me. But she's still not keen on it.

 

She has never been a fan of sex, and she's been vocal about that. She sees it more as a means to an end and a means to get a baby. Lucky for me, her insides are so bunged up from her diabetes, the only way she'll get a baby from me is from in vitro. And it's not as if she could have a baby with the OM, since his wife informed me he was snipped and not the reversible kind.

 

She does getting very upset though when I have a bad day and I get bummed out from what happened. Just know she messaged me and asked what was wrong, and I told her, I'm bummed about your affair. Her reply was 'great, going on day 6 now.'

 

That kind hurts.

[whichwayisup]

She has actually been transfered to a special needs school for children with OCD, ADHD and ODD. I got three days of the silent treatment because of that transfer.

 

My hunch is one of her co-workers I told to keep an eye on the two of them, either figured something would happen or just didn't want to take a chance, and pushed for her to be removed.

 

The order for transfer came right from the Principal and was signed off by the Board.

 

Not a remorseful wife at all. If she was, she'd be volunteering to leave that school and go elsewhere! But no, instead she's pouting, acting like a child and giving you the silent treatment.

 

Sorry to say this, but until she shows how truly sorry she is and is GENUINE about it, your trust for her is not going to get any better. She more than likely is still in contact with the MM.

[whichwayisup]

She does getting very upset though when I have a bad day and I get bummed out from what happened. Just know she messaged me and asked what was wrong, and I told her, I'm bummed about your affair. Her reply was 'great, going on day 6 now.'

 

That kind hurts.

 

she's clueless. It takes much more the SIX days to get over an affair. Most say it can take up to 2-4 years for a marriage to fully recover from infidelity, and that's with BOTH spouses working hard together to make the marriage better, and BOTH parties fixing themselves, especially the cheating spouse.

 

Will she go to marriage counseling with you? And go on her own?

 

Instead of her replying being "oh great, going on six days now.." she should be saying, "I will apologize for six years every day if it'll make you feel better. I will show you in actions, not only words how sorry I am for what I did to us."

 

But no, she's acting like a passive aggressive spoiled brat who had her favourite toy taken away from her. Seems she's the one with the 'ego' here.

[Darren Steez]

She explained that the OM expected those acts and she just went along with it. She's not a large fan of oral, since one of her ex's more of less just forced it in, whether she wanted it or not.

 

Since all this, she is more willing to provide for me. But she's still not keen on it.

 

She has never been a fan of sex, and she's been vocal about that. She sees it more as a means to an end and a means to get a baby. Lucky for me, her insides are so bunged up from her diabetes, the only way she'll get a baby from me is from in vitro. And it's not as if she could have a baby with the OM, since his wife informed me he was snipped and not the reversible kind.

 

She does getting very upset though when I have a bad day and I get bummed out from what happened. Just know she messaged me and asked what was wrong, and I told her, I'm bummed about your affair. Her reply was 'great, going on day 6 now.'

 

That kind hurts.

 

and quote from original post " Came hour three hours early to find my wife having, for lack of a better description 'incredibly rough, passionate sex' with some random guy."

 

So which one is it? She told you she doesn't like sex but with OM she was having incredibly rough, PASSIONATE sex?

 

A bit confused....

[2long]

Now, the issue is, my wife and I have decided to work things out.

 

Before reading any of the responses 2 your original post, I have 2 ask you...

 

Why?

 

-ol' 2long

[2long]

Okay, now I've read the rest of the posts 2 you. And I still have 2 ask "why?"

 

It seems that, under the best possible circumstances, you'll have a "marriage" wherein she does her best 2 stay in line out of fear of what you'll do in "retaliation" for her cheating. (you should never have exposed 2 punish her. You expose because it's the TRUTH, and affairs thrive when people protect the dirty little secret).

 

At worst, you'll continue on with this person who never was committed 2 you, certainly isn't ready for marriage, and you'll forever wonder when the other shoe is about 2 drop.

 

This isn't rocket surgery. There is no relationship here, and there certainly is no marriage 2 save. Show some self-respect. Heck, the most loving thing you could do for her is 2 set her free 2 learn from her mistakes, rather than sheltering her before she's repented for them (and so likely never will).

 

-ol' 2long

[Bryanp]

This post is so over the top that it seems difficult to believe. I cannot believe that any man would have ever put up with such deliberate humiliating deceit by their spouse. You seems to brush it it off that she was scheduling sexual escaped in your house base on your schedule. There is something not right about all of this.

 

You seems to be totally blinded for love for her and she seems to merely tolerate you.

[aed]

I agree with 2 Long

 

 

Why?

 

I dont want to come of hard, but i dont know any other way to say this:

 

This girl cheated on you when you where 5 months together, keeps cheating on you while you where married. And you stil think she wil be a good wife to you:confused:

 

She is trying to show remorse? How can you try to be remorsefull you are it or you are not and believe me from only from reading your part (including you protecting her actions) she is NOT. She has no respect for you and you should kick her out, and find a great wife who loves and respects you.

 

 

Also I read that you try hard be affective etc, but this is not about you!!! Its only about her actions. This got absolutly nothing to do with you.

 

I feel for you man. Be strong and start respecting yourself!

[Darren Steez]

This post is so over the top that it seems difficult to believe. I cannot believe that any man would have ever put up with such deliberate humiliating deceit by their spouse. You seems to brush it it off that she was scheduling sexual escaped in your house base on your schedule. There is something not right about all of this.

 

You seems to be totally blinded for love for her and she seems to merely tolerate you.

 

I have to agree, even his comments about the wife not liking sex, then describing her as having passionate sex smacks of the story going awry a little. Seems very cuckoldish

[neveragain34]

Maybe she cheated because she got tired of your cocky "firefighter" ego. Am I the only one picking up on just how big it is??? Makes sense that she would go for a teacher; they are far more humble than you. And yes, they do risk their lives just like you everyday. Have you not heard about the recent Connecticut shooting, Columbine, Virginia Tech, etc????

 

Get over yourself and stop threatening to ruin her reputation if she cheats again. Your wife should stop cheating because she loves you and wants to work it out; not because you have eyes and ears on her all the time. If you don't think she's capable of that, then let her go.