Wife had a continuous 2 year long affair

[Mr. Lucky]

But as rude as it may sound, I still hold myself higher than a teacher. Because society tells me I have to, lives on the line and all that. Chemistry lab lights on fire, Chemistry teacher doesn't try and attach a 2 alarm magnesium fire, they call in the Dept.

Since my wife was a teacher for many years, I feel honor bound to respond thusly:

 

If/when you do have kids, and you want them to learn Chemistry (or Algebra...or Biology...or...), fire department doesn't try and teach Dalton's Law of Partial Pressures, they call in... a TEACHER .

 

Mr. Lucky

[SmokeRat]

While I appreciate everyone's opinion and input, I do not like the attack on my character. Some of you have experience with this sort of behavior, which I account to you being in a similar situation as myself. With that, I figured some level of maturity and patience to follow.

 

While most of you have displayed this, some of you seem to not possess these attributes.

 

My intentions were not to insult anyone, or demean any career path or choice. If I did those things, then I apologize in advance. Earlier in my post I clearly stated that my 'ego' is deeply rooted in my pride for what I do. Many people confuse that pride with an ego, something the media and society have perpetuated.

 

But I digress.

 

I confronted my wife this evening about some of my concerns and laid out the following:

 

-she will attend counseling to sort out her skeletons.

-she will attend her diabetes doctor appointments to try and sort out her horrible diabetes control.

-she will attend couples counseling with myself as well.

 

Refusal of any of these will result in immediate filing of divorce papers. I've already contacted my lawyer and he can have something firm within a week or two.

 

I suppose that struck her a little bit as I showed her the papers the lawyer has already done up for me.

 

Whether or not it works, who knows. Did she humiliate me, yes she did. Have I tolerates being humiliated, sure. But I do love this woman and I'm going to at least try.

 

I came to these forums to speak with individuals who have gone through similar situations, who have made mistakes, found what works and what does not.

 

So with that in mind, I do thank everyone for their time in helping with their input.

 

To clarify something, as I can see it being a contradictory statement. My wife isn't find of sex, yet I stated she had passionate sex with the OM. Speaking with her tonight, it is very clear that she didn't enjoy the sex with him, so much as the attention and thrill it gave her.

 

Not making excuses and I'm sure even I still do not know the entire story.

[Nyla]

Your wife might just being saying she didn't like the sex with her OM to make you feel better.

 

Nothing wrong with having pride in your profession, but it is very dismissive and obnoxious to put your profession "above" anyone else's. This is why members are talking about your ego.

 

I wish you and your wife the best.

[BrokenPrincess]

But as rude as it may sound, I still hold myself higher than a teacher. Because society tells me I have to, lives on the line and all that.

 

No, I do not think society tells you to do that. Society may dictate that your job is RISKIER than a teacher, but it is not "higher." I think that is your tremendous self-absorbed ego that is telling you that.

 

I started this thread very empathetic to you, a selfless firefighter who suffered the horrific experience of catching your wife in bed with another man.

 

However, after reading on, I would encourage you to re-evaluate the way you're managing reconciling with your wife. Telling OM all her medical issues to scare him off, compromising her coworkers asking them to "keep an eye on them", putting yourself on a firefighter pedestal above all others, threatening to involve his innovent children...none of this seems like a positive path to recovering.

 

Clearly your wife has serious issues and I would imagine needs professional help to cope with all of it (sexual abuse, sabotaging her entire relationship with you, mentally handling her medical issues at such a young age)

 

You also mentioned that "many people" have mistaken your firefighter pride for ego and blame the media for that. I know a few married firefighters and I have never gotten the God complex from them like I am getting from your posts.

 

You are more than a firefighter. It is not your sole defining trait. What parts of you were compatible or complementary to your wife? Maybe try focusing on these things instead of comparing everything to a firefighter benchmark.

[whichwayisup]

Hey, let's not make this thread all about him...He is here because his wife cheated on him. Picking his personality apart shouldn't be a goal here.

[whichwayisup]

While I appreciate everyone's opinion and input, I do not like the attack on my character. Some of you have experience with this sort of behavior, which I account to you being in a similar situation as myself. With that, I figured some level of maturity and patience to follow.

 

While most of you have displayed this, some of you seem to not possess these attributes.

 

My intentions were not to insult anyone, or demean any career path or choice. If I did those things, then I apologize in advance. Earlier in my post I clearly stated that my 'ego' is deeply rooted in my pride for what I do. Many people confuse that pride with an ego, something the media and society have perpetuated.

 

But I digress.

 

I confronted my wife this evening about some of my concerns and laid out the following:

 

-she will attend counseling to sort out her skeletons.

-she will attend her diabetes doctor appointments to try and sort out her horrible diabetes control.

-she will attend couples counseling with myself as well.

 

Refusal of any of these will result in immediate filing of divorce papers. I've already contacted my lawyer and he can have something firm within a week or two.

 

I suppose that struck her a little bit as I showed her the papers the lawyer has already done up for me.

 

Whether or not it works, who knows. Did she humiliate me, yes she did. Have I tolerates being humiliated, sure. But I do love this woman and I'm going to at least try.

 

I came to these forums to speak with individuals who have gone through similar situations, who have made mistakes, found what works and what does not.

 

So with that in mind, I do thank everyone for their time in helping with their input.

 

To clarify something, as I can see it being a contradictory statement. My wife isn't find of sex, yet I stated she had passionate sex with the OM. Speaking with her tonight, it is very clear that she didn't enjoy the sex with him, so much as the attention and thrill it gave her.

 

Not making excuses and I'm sure even I still do not know the entire story.

You don't know the whole story yet. Trickle truth...She is scared to totally come clean. Hopefully more truth will come out in counseling.

[Mr. Lucky]

Picking his personality apart shouldn't be a goal here.

Just poking fun at your SmokeRat, you seem like the kind that can take a little ribbing. I think it's great you're proud of your profession, wish more people in this country felt that way. We've lost something in that regard...

 

Set your alarm and come back and give us an update in 6 months. I doubt much of the advance wagering will be on you two still being together...

 

Mr. Lucky

[2sunny]

You CAN'T trust her when she's never EARNED your trust.

 

And since she hasn't done anything and EVERYTHING to REPAIR the damage she caused - there's not a chance in hell for this to be a healthy marriage.

 

Why haven't you just divorced her lying, cheating a$$?

 

You deserve better...never settle!

[SmokeRat]

Alarm set for 6months from today.

 

Appreciate all the input and I'll speak with you all in 6 months or so. Unless something large happens in the mean time!

 

Cheers!

[2sunny]

Alarm set for 6months from today.

 

Appreciate all the input and I'll speak with you all in 6 months or so. Unless something large happens in the mean time!

 

Cheers!

 

6 months? And what are you expecting in 6 months time while you have your delusional head in the sand?

 

She's cheated on you your WHOLE marriage... What makes you think she's gonna change now?

 

She's not sorry she did it - she's just sorry she got caught! There's a BIG difference between the two!

 

Have her take a polygraph too - since she doesn't know the first thing about honesty. She's still lying when she states she didn't love the sex with him.

[2sunny]

And do you realize how much disrespect and disregard for you - it shows by bringing her OM into your marital home and having sex right there in your home?

 

Think about that - she's just completely not wife material - no way, no matter how you look at it - she's not!

[coffeebean201]

Her desire for drama far exceeds yours.

 

When you have a stressful job, the last thing you want to come home to is this.

 

I think it is sweet the way you look after her and she looks after you in her own way.

 

But you are far too young to give up a healthy sex life. If you had children with her, you may stick it out. But given no children, sounds like it is over.

 

You can't police a spouse for cheating for the rest of your life.

[jlola]

Am I the only one ho thinks the wife must be some sort of "super model" who boost up his ego? Otherwise why in the world would anyone put up with this?

 

It doesn't seem like there are real consequences either. He is cuddling on the couch with her. making sure he kisses her and hugs her when she gets home. Rewarding the bad behavior.

 

I would have had her move out and let her stew. A oman ill never respect a man that takes her disrespect and coddles her afterwards.

 

You are saying you were tough with her. But you are not. She has your number and is in full control. She knows you will take her back no matter what she does.

 

How long do you want to play warden to a woman who you cannot trust. It gets very tiring after awhile..

[Realist3]

Hey, let's not make this thread all about him...He is here because his wife cheated on him. Picking his personality apart shouldn't be a goal here.

 

This marriage I think is over. In fact any of my several firemen friends could have written it.

 

 

But the personalities of firemen do play a significant role in why they have much higher divorce rates than the general populace. I read somewhere that only 10% stay married.

 

He mentioned the word ego 7 times in his second post. Why? Because the ego's on these guys is what allows them to do what they do, but it also the reason they don't have successful relationships. One can only stand to be around someone who continually puts themselves on a pedestal for so long. Fire dept's warn potential spouses about what they are in for, but it is not the job, it is the individuals that take this type job. They are a different breed.

 

Smoke, divorcing yourself from the fireman ego when you are away from work is the only way he can possibly make this marriage work or any relationship he may enter into in the future. You stated it yourself in one of your posts, your wife strongly dislikes your ego. It has nothing to do with how buff you look or how many calendars you have been in, it is how you project your self image.

[SmokeRat]

I have been trying to tone it down, it's not that my wife dislikes my ego specifically, she hates ego's in general. Any ego. Which confuses me because I've met a lot of professional hockey and football players, and the majority of them make me look humble.

 

Is the marriage over? It might be, but as I have stated before, I like to give everything 110% before I call it a night.

 

My wife was well warned, before signing those papers and even during our engagement by my Chief, of what she was signing on for. But I suppose being told what something is like, and then actually experiencing it are two different things.

 

Oddly enough, I knew what I was signing on for when I married my wife, concerning her career. Before she managed to get full-time with her current Board, she was unemployed for 9 months. No job, no income, nadda. And I knew this, I know getting a full-time teaching position is just as difficult (if not more so, because of internal politics) as getting on the Dept. I accepted this, and had no problem dealing with coming home after a shift and finding her in the same spot I left her.

 

Do I talk a truck load about my profession when I'm at home, well yes I do. It's a large part of me, and it goes beyond having a job. There are days I'll finish doing an overhaul, walk out of the building and look at what's left and think to myself "What the hell am I doing?"

 

Regardless, my wife has agreed to seek couselling and that the papers for divorce will stay active until she meets all the requirements. We had a pretty hard sit down chat last night, with her parents/my parents, friends and a few co-workers who admitted to getting her x-fered out of her current school (to keep her away from OM). And they laid into her hard. Whether this makes a difference or not, we shall see.

 

But they made it very clear, if she continued this path, she's not welcome in their homes or their lives anymore. To hear her parents say they were embarrassed to have a daughter who could do such things, even that hurt me a bit. Parents are supposed to provide love no matter what.

 

But they said if she continued, she can forget coming to their place and they'd remove her from their will. Plain and simple. Long story short, she would not only lose her marriage, but her entire support structure.

 

I honestly did not expect that from her family, and it came as a rather strong shock.

 

Am I trying to divorce myself away from my fire fighter ego, I am. But it's hard. You marry the job, because no one is in fire fighting for the hell of it.

[Realist3]

If I were you I would be out. The stuff she has done, and what she has said comes across that the love just isn't there. I don't know how you have the will to continue with this woman.

[Darren Steez]

Mind movies without actually seeing an act are bad enough but to actually witness your wife having sex in front of you? Nah, couldn't do it. But best of luck to you.

[Spark1111]

mr. Smokerat....I have read elsewhere on a site to help survive infidelity that many a woman performs sex acts they do not like while in an affair. Many a woman says the sex is mediocre, but they love the passionate rush of a guy ripping your clothes off and just going at it.

 

They love the rush of emotions, but the sex? Not so good.

 

His primal heat makes them feel like the most desired creature, yet, in retrospect, it wasn't all that great for them.

 

Many a man finds this hard to believe, but I think this could be true.

 

Just wanted to let you know that.

[SmokeRat]

Spark,

 

I've had a few people relay that to me as well. And from hearing my wife speak, she follows that trend.

 

She stated that, while she doesn't enjoy the sex and whatnot, she enjoys the attention. Which relates to what you posted.

 

What confuses me further, is that there are plenty of times I'd come home from a crappy day of work, or had a close call and just walked into the house, grabbed her and did that exact same thing.

[Bryanp]

It sounds like it was quite an intervention by her parents. The only problem I have is that she just may be staying and trying with you not because she loves you or is truly remorseful but that the consequences of her family banishing her would be too great. You don't want to be married to a woman who is only with you because she has no other options.

 

The activities that she engaged in during your engagement and marriage in your home indicates to me that she really got some sort of perverted sexual thrill screwing her OM right before your marriage and bringing him into your home so many times knowing that you were away at work. There is a type of sick perversion at play here. Nobody could do such things to people they love and respect unless there were seriously psychologically twisted and broken.

[Imported]

Sounds like you're fighting a raging fire with a supersoaker toy in a deserted house that is about ready to collapse on your head. I'd get out immediately. There is no reason to be there, it can only end badly for you.

[2sunny]

How can you know if she REALLY wants to stay - really wants to do the hard work involved to set things right?

 

It may be hard to tell her MOTIVES since she's been shamed into making this work.

[2sunny]

That she was cheating on you from before your marriage--and probably well before you were even engaged, even if you don't know all the details--and throughout your engagement and marriage (perhaps before that too) is indicative that, in her mind, she never regarded you as an actual "life partner."

 

She must have had reasons for agreeing to the engagement and the marriage, but it is doubtful that it involved anything resembling "love"--at least as you, I, and most of us posting here probably understand what "love" is supposed to be. You fulfilled needs which made it acceptable for her to include you in her life, but it doesn't sound like you were ever her primary sexual or emotional partner.

 

It may be something as simple as the fact that she could not marry her primary partner, the other teacher, because he already had a wife and family.

 

You must accept that the affair may have been going on far longer than you realize, perhaps before you even met her.

 

Your description of her preference in men--basically jocks, even the OM is an MMA jock, in a way so is a firefighter--combined with her behavior indicates she has the mentality of a groupie or may even literally be/have been a groupie.

 

She sounds emotionally disturbed, she is unfaithful, completely unreliable as a spouse, and I suspect her heart is as cold as ice.

 

It's up to you if you want to invest more time and heartache into this, but it seems to me you could probably do better.

 

 

Well YA - I'm sure he could do better! Even being with a rock wold be better. At least a rock wouldn't cheat, betray and embarrass him.

 

His wife hasn't played a positive role in his life since even before they were married.

 

OP - you seem to love her even though she's always treated you poorly...why?

 

Why would you invest more time and energy on any woman who never respected or honored you?

 

Why don't you want more for yourself than that?

 

I can't see what positive things she adds to your life.

 

Is someone being there better than no one at all? Even if that someone harms you?

 

I don't get your logic in really believing she's capable of being a positive part of your life.

 

Enlighten me.

[Spark1111]

Spark,

 

I've had a few people relay that to me as well. And from hearing my wife speak, she follows that trend.

 

She stated that, while she doesn't enjoy the sex and whatnot, she enjoys the attention. Which relates to what you posted.

 

What confuses me further, is that there are plenty of times I'd come home from a crappy day of work, or had a close call and just walked into the house, grabbed her and did that exact same thing.

 

like so many of us before you, we thought we had to be the reason, like we were lacking something and not good enough. that's normal smoke.

 

it took a lot of pain, a lot of healing and a lot of THERAPY to realize the lack, the not feeling good enough, resided in our cheating spouses. The affair was a symptom of what ailed them and we weren't the cause.

If you do choose the reconciliation route, and are very, very lucky, she will realize this too, but it is a long and painful process and it takes time, years, to get to normal whether you choose to stay with her or not.

 

The board is reacting to her multiple affairs, the fact that you are newly married, there is not the relationship stressors of children. What will happen then?

 

I know you are feeling guilty about the hours you put in, and your dedication to the job, but you shouldn't.In this day and age we all work long hours and can keep a relationship lively with texts, calls and emails.

 

Your wife chose to have an affair, and she may have chose that no matter who she married or the hours at work.

 

Bear in mind that teaching is strenuous and often lonely too. The door closes and you are alone all day.

 

you do not have to decide anything now. In fact, I urge people to give themselves permission not to decide anything for a long time until they feel more stable and capable of making a life-altering decision.

 

Good luck to you. And I advise you to seek IC also. It will help you, just make sure you find the right fit for you. Three visits and if you do not feel a rapport, find another.

[zuzzers]

Why do you want to FORCE her to be with you and not cheat? If you didn't use the "outing", threats, and pressure from others it seems that she would not have stopped cheating. Well even after that, you had to go to the OM and expose your wife's "defects" so he would not desire her. That would seem to suggest that you are getting her to "settle" for you becasue you scared the OM off by exposing how your wife is not good enough for him.

 

Is that what you want? A marriage where her loyalty must be forced upon her?

 

Wouldn't it be better to have someone who is excited by YOU? Someone who is lusting after YOU? Someone who LOVES you FIRST? Someone who sees you as their FIRST choice and misses you the moment you leave till the moment you return?

 

That person does exist for you, this gal is not it.