Disagreements over separate vacations

[Serrihyus]

Hi LSers!

 

New here, been lurking awhile but this is my first post =) I've seen some good advice given in this forum, and thought I'd post my question here. Our relationship has been going well, we agree on most things, and we've been talking about marriage in the future. But there is one thing that my live-in boyfriend and I just can't seem to come to an agreement on. That is, regarding separate vacations, of a particular sort, in a relationship/marriage. Slightly lengthy but I will try to give as much information as possible.

 

Little bit of background: We've been together a year and a half, I'm in my early 30s, he is in his mid-40s. He is divorced, since long before I met him, and has a son from his previous marriage. I have met his son, and we all get along very well. I am childless and have never been married. We've been living together for a few months. He works two jobs, and I work one.

 

Now that that's all out of the way! Before I say anything, I understand that people have differing opinions on separate vacations. I know some couples are absolutely fine with it, some aren't. I know it depends on the individual couple. I'm really just asking for ideas on how we can resolve this issue. I have read up on this issue multiple times, and nothing has made me feel better about the situation.

 

Before I knew him, my boyfriend used to go 2-3x a year with his best friend to vacation in places like Cancun, Panama, Costa Rica, etc...mostly to party and meet girls, when he was divorced and single, which I think it's fine for a single person to do. He's also had a history of hooking up with girls while on his guys' vacations, again, while single.

 

He went to Montreal last summer, despite my protests (because he originally wanted to go to Mexico or some Caribbean island to bar-hop and go clubbing with his single friend), and told me back then I was being controlling and was over-reacting. He and his friend also went to Puerto Rico several months later, to visit his friend's father. They spent most of their time in bars and drinking, and talking to random girls.

 

He thinks its okay for him to continue this behavior while in a relationship. His side is this: He says he won't be going to meet girls anymore, it's only for a week, and he says as long as I trust him that he won't cheat, what's the big deal?

 

My stance is that behavior like that isn't appropriate in a long-term relationship. I love to travel more than he does, and all those places he's wanted to go to, I've never been, and would love to go. But he makes it clear I am not invited on his trips with his friend, and likely never will be. Originally I wouldn't have a problem, but his vacations always involve partying of some kind. I just don't believe it's right to behave like a single person when you're married or in a long-term relationship.

 

Although, when we are at home, I often go out with him and his friends, except when he hangs out with his buddy and their sons for play dates.

 

Just to be clear, we do take vacations together. I've heard of people going on trips to do sports, or hunting/camping/golfing/etc weekends alone, and I see nothing wrong with those types of trips. I also don't have a problem with him taking his son on vacation alone. I don't want to interfere with his father-son bonding time, and I understand he may not be comfortable taking me along just yet.

 

Another concern I had is, after his Puerto Rico trip, when things were going well between us, he came to me, said he missed me too much, and didn't want to go away without me again. Then, fast forward several months later, when we got into a fight (over something unrelated), he started talking again about going away with his friend, which leads to my post here. I feel like that whenever things aren't so great, he wants to run away.

 

We have talked this out to death and can't seem to come to an agreement. I have told him my points. He disagrees with nearly all of them, and didn't really seem to consider my feelings in this situation. Anyone have ideas on what kind of compromise we could possibly come to? We seem to agree on everything else, just not this.

 

Thanks in advance!

[thomasb]

What is the point of being a couple if you don't do vacations together? I would never wish to take a week off from my relationship to go 'play' with another adult whether they are female or male. I married so I would have a companion. And I think it is setting himself up to potentially cross a few boundaries and cheat. Uh-Uh. No way.