MPS Posted August 19, 2004 Share Posted August 19, 2004 Hi everyone, I feel like I'm in a very deep hole and can't get out! I apologize in advance for my post being so long, but I have to vent. My husband (of 3 years) and I are not speaking to his mother, or his two brothers (and their significant others and children). Before we got married, his family disapproved with the fact that I am Jewish. My husband wanted to convert to Judaism and his father (who is very religious) was actually ok with it. His mother was not. She said nasty things like that my parents (I am an only child) and I have no family values. She has always been rude to my parents and to me. She complained about everything involved in planning the wedding. A week before the wedding she informed us that all of her out of town relatives would not be coming. Then she said they would come, but she'd have to leave the reception after cocktails to take them to the airport because she didn't want them to take a cab. (even though we offerred to pay for the cab, and the family has enough money for one too). The big underlying issue again was that we were having a Jewish wedding and not in a church. (Why would it be in a church if we are both Jewish???). The day before the wedding my parents had rented a charter bus to take both of our families around to see the sights. Mother in law forbade any of her kids or family to come with us. Instead they stayed at her house during the whole day and drank. That evening we had a dinner for all of the out of town guests and bridal party. I had never met my mother in laws sisters before and so I went to introduce myself. The two of them were drunk as skunks and started yelling at me that I'm rude! I didn't know what there problem was! Then one of them yells out in front of everyone (there were 50 guests!) "Did you know that she isn't taking his name??" Well, it wasn't a secret that I wasn't changing my name because I'm a college professor, 30 years old and needed to for professional reasons. I use my husbands name socially, and frankly it wasn't anyone's business nor an appropriate time to discuss it then!!! Then one of my brother in laws (who was also drunk) came over to us and said "you know, the whole reason that they are doing this is because you are Jewish, they want you to call off the wedding". YEAH RIGHT! The drunk scene continued for about 20 minutes until one of my uncles quietly asked them to leave if they couldn't control themselves. They all screamed and yelled they wouldn't come to the wedding. I secretly hoped they wouldn't, but knew that it would upset my husband. I could've gotten really bitchy, but I acted dignified and kept the hurt inside until they were gone. Needless to say, my family was shocked. The next day at our wedding, his mother showed up 3 hours late (we were having pictures before the ceremony) and then took the wrong corsage and broke my mother's. She took her shoes off during the wedding ceremony (the parents were standing up there with us) and did not say one word to me the whole day. Neither did my husbands aunts and uncles, and his brothers (and one of their wives---the other isn't married yet) were in our wedding party and they acted like total jerks. We did not allow those bozos to ruin our day. We ignored them and focused on our friends and relatives that wanted to be there!!! Her relatives left after the salad was served (so we paid for 4 dinners that weren't eaten!) and went over to my husband to say "goodbye, we are sorry you are married to such a bitch like her, you still have time to get out!" AND they said this while we were sitting eating our food at the head table!!!! Then one of them said to me "young lady, you need to learn about family loyalty!" Again, I'm clueless! A week after our honeymoon, we got this terrible nasty letter from one of the aunts (mother in laws sister). In a nutshell it said I am a gold digger, fat (i am slightly overweight), ugly, too close to my parents, unloyal, and I'm only keeping my maiden name so it's easy to get a divorce! I almost died. My husband immediately went over to his mother's house. He got into it with her big time. Told her he didn't want to speak to her again. Well, we kept on getting harassing letters from the aunts, from his mothers and harassing phone calls. They would call and hang up, or threaten to kill me if I ever went anywhere near them. Then my husband told his brothers (who are both younger, btw) that he would still have relationships with them but not with their mother. Well, the middle brother who is married too said "i was your brother before she was your wife, and if you want to have a relationship with me you'll have to meet with me privately". Well my husband told him where to go because he wasn't going to go behind my back and listen to me be bashed again. He told his brother that was his choice and that if he couldn't keep the two relationships separate (mother and him) that he didn't want to talk to him either. Then the youngest brother said he had to do what the middle brother did too. So, mother in law keeps sending bday cards to my husbands work!! She still pranks us, but for a while we hadn't heard anything. Father in law got involved a few times but we told him to stay out of it or we wouldn't be able to talk to him either becaue it is too painful to listen to this crap. He has learned not to bring it up because we change the subjec.t \ Ok--so I thought things were on the low for a while then I get an invitation a month ago to my husbands youngest brother's fiancee's bridal shower!!! UM, hello???? Why would I get that??? So I politetly leave a message for the mother of the bride who is hosting the party stating that I would not be in attendance because we would be out of town (we were) and that I couldn't believe I received an invitation since her son in law wasn't talking to my husband!! She CALLed me back!! Kept me on the phone for two hours. Told me that her daughter wants to meet me, wants a sister in law, what can we do to get the brothers talking again. She "claimed" she had no idea about anything that had happened with his mother. She wanted us to be able to come to the wedding. I told her I didn't think that would be possible because 1) they aren't talking and no apology for inappropriate behavior has taken place and 2) all of those wicked people who threatened us would be there. She went on and on about how she would talk to my brother in law and have him call my husband and how she would invite my parents to the wedding too so that we wouldn't be alone. Well, I sent a bridal shower gift. I sent a long non threatening letter to my future sister in law telling her that we will probably never meet because her fiancee still hasn't done anything to rectify the situation. In the meantime, we saw my father in law for our anniversary two weeks ago. He tries to get involved again saying that the brother wants us to go to dinner with them and the father. My husband said no way. That they haven't spoken in almost 3 years and that they need to clear the air about many things first that they need to talk first. Well the brother hasn't called. Then we received the wedding invitation and no, my parents did not. So that woman lied to me about everything. My husband went to the hospital a month ago because of a panick attack. He is now going for therapy about this. He is depressed which is causing me to get upset and hurt for him. I wish I could make this better. He wouldn't be hurting if they didn't hate me so much, so in a way I feel like this is all my fault! And I don't even know why someone would hate another person because of difference of religion! We don't know what to do with the invitation. I don't want to go. I think deep down he wants to, because don't we all want to have a perfect family??? He doesn't see his therapist again until next week so we might hold off with the RSVP. I just can't believe that they sent an invitation without anyone trying to make amends. Are we supposed to put ourselves in a vulnerable situation and act like nothing has ever happpened?????? And I feel like calling out the mother of the bride for lying to me and taking up so much of my time with this nonsense. I'm sick of being walked over and treated like I am naive. Thank you again for letting me vent. I would appreciate any comments or suggestions!!!!! Have a wonderful day!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted August 19, 2004 Share Posted August 19, 2004 Boy, I feel for ya!!! My family doesn't follow any particular religion. My Wife and I do. My side of the family is like you husbands. Very judgemental. They can't stand my wife at all. It's my choice, (Not my wife's), that she stay home and raise our children. My family looks down at that. They call her lazy, no good, a gold digger. I had to listen to this for the first 5 years of our marraige. I finally took a stand and told them that it's not only her they're talking about. When a man and woman join in holy matrimony, they become one flesh. Whatever they say about her, they might as well be saying about me. They don't respect my decision to be the sole bread winner, (We are not poor by any means). They don't know how much work it is to raise 5 kids, properly. Call me old fashion, but today's child rearing standards don't fly right by me. You and I are pretty much in the same boat. All of my family drink, (I do too, not in excess), and are very rude when they do. My Mom lives 30 minutes away and has seen her youngest grand daughter who is 6 years old a total of 3 times!!!! I finally came to the conclusion that when I married, I left my family to start my own. It's my choice to either carry the same family values, or to establish my own. I did for a while hold on to some of my family's bad traits and it took me several years to realize that I didn't have to. That MY Family can be whatever we want it to be and noone, NOONE, had the right to tell us otherwise. You two need to, "Leave thy Mother and cling to thy wife, (Marraige)." It's about you two now, you and your husband need to divorce them and forget about what they think and even feel. That's just my opinion. Best Wishes Moose Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted August 19, 2004 Share Posted August 19, 2004 The only way to win this game is to not play it. They want drama. Do as your husband wishes. Be by his side, and if they start trouble, just say these simple words 'I do not wish to talk to you at this time, please leave us alone' then simply ignore them. As long as they know they are getting to you, they will continue it. Don't worry about what they think of you, you know who you are and that is why your husband's married to you. Link to post Share on other sites
murasaki Posted August 19, 2004 Share Posted August 19, 2004 Several things occurred to me when I read your post. First of all, I can sympathize with you to some extent; my father's parents have consistently behaved very badly toward him and my mother. My grandmother is without question emotionally unbalanced. It's not easy and sometimes unpleasant to deal with her, and it requires a lot of tongue-biting, and diplomacy. OK, moving on, I think it's awful that you're having to deal with what sounds like anti-Semitism from some of your husband's relatives. Unfortunately that's something people still encounter even in this day and age. However, and I hope you won't take this as undue criticism, I think that you might have avoided some of this hostility if you'd tried to look at the choices you and your husband made (choices which were entirely yours to make but which probably had consequences you failed to foresee). When your husband converted to Judaism, he wasn't just trading one organized religion for another, he was giving preference to your family's religion & background & history. He was saying, in effect, that your family's heritage was going to play a more important role in his married life (and family life if you guys have kids) than his own would. That's a significant thing. How would your family have felt if, instead, you had converted to your husband's father's religion (which is what I assume your husband was raised with)? This is not to say it was a bad choice. But it was a difficult choice, and you might have given some thought about how that would make your husband's family feel. Then you opted to keep your own name, instead of taking your husband's. Again, something that is entirely up to you. But, again, did you consider the message this sent to your in-laws? I can easily imagine that it could be interpreted as a further repudiation of his family's heritage. And I can easily imagine them reacting to such rejection with a lot of hostility towards you and yours. Look, his mother sounds like a nightmare, along with most of the rest of the clan. And maybe you did make overtures to them to let them know that you valued your husband's family's traditions as much as you value your own, and that you would be sure to incorporate them into your married life. If so, there's nothing to be done. Some people will look for a fight, look for a way they've been wronged, no matter what. And some people really are xenophobic when it comes to "other" people. You'll know best as to what the most likely story is with your in-laws. As for your new sister-in-law to be, I think it does sound a bit weird. One of my uncles likes to think that he's the family peace-maker and "wise" one who can bridge differences between my nightmarish grandmother and whoever is on her black list at the moment. Often he causes more trouble than he solves. If this woman has decided that she'll be the hero of the family, the one to mend rifts and make everyone be one big happy family, then really her agenda is not about you and your husband's feelings; it's about establishing a role for herself with the inlaws. It seems to me like your guiding principle ought not to be about your resentment towards your in-laws, and all the ways they've wronged you in the past, but about what will make things the most tolerable for your husband. If that means sucking it up and attending the wedding, just go. Just go and sit as far away from your mother in law as you can. If it will best serve your husband's interests to not go to the wedding, or to sever all ties with his brothers, then so be it. But whatever happens it should be what will be most tolerable for your husband, not you. When we (my sister, mother & I ) have to deal with my insufferable grandparents, we do so keeping in mind what will best serve my dad's interests. They're his parents. They drive him crazy, they have seriously offended him on several occasions, but they're still his parents and he loves them. So we go along as best we can. Link to post Share on other sites
Boogie Posted August 21, 2004 Share Posted August 21, 2004 MPS, I guess I can only say that you went the route that I was not willing to: I had a girlfriend whose parents, seemingly, were much in favor of me proposing. They are very traditional, stuck-in-their-ways people and very meddlesome, intrusive, and unwilling to accept/respect boundaries. Once I proposed, things went from bad to worse to catastrophic, as you can essentially read for yourself in the two linked entries below. The short and long of it is I was not willing to put my fiancee and I through the hell which you and your husband have endured. Hopefully, your hell will cease, and your lives together will be rewarding, happy and be worth all of the pain and suffering you've both endured. In some respects, I almost feel like a coward comparing my situation to yours, but on the other hand, I felt I didn't want to endure the pain (nor did I want to put my family and my fiancee through same) simply because her parents have mental problems and classic ineptitude. I can only wish you the best and hope your perseverance pays off; I know that one day I will wonder if I made a mistake ending my relationship, but the pain and the difficulty my family and I have endured have made the future worries irrelevant. I only hope your experience is a happy one and that you will be a good example to your friends and your children, and embarass those family members who have behaved so atrociously. Good luck to you and to your loved ones. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t45443/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t45978/ Link to post Share on other sites
butterflygrl Posted September 16, 2004 Share Posted September 16, 2004 hey moose and all i commend you for taking up for your wife .. that is what a man is suppose to do.. you are as one together and you are right when something is said about your wife you are to stand up to whoever .. i wish there was more men out there like you .. my h never takes up for me he lets his family down me all the time and that is why i steer clear of them unless i have to because they are my h family .. i think they are evil and i try to keep my daughetr as far away from them as i can unless we have to go there..they think iwant everything my h has which isn't alot but his dad has money .. i think these people are just jealous of me and my h .. his dad is very controlling and domineering .. and always question my h of what he is doing and all.. he tells my h when my daughetr is sick to let it run its course she she will be fine ..my h works with his dad and his dad don't have ins so we have to pay when we got to the dr and he wonders where all the moneys going.. and he isn't paying him what he was making .. you are such a good man wish there were more like you Link to post Share on other sites
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