Looking Back

[ChangeofHeart2000]

Last week my husband announced that he did not want to make our relationship work, but rather keep me as a friend (we had been seperated for some time).

 

As I attempt to heal my heart and reason what occurred in our marriage, I discovered lots of things that I did not see first hand.

 

My husband would stay up and watch TV until wee hours of the night (especially on weekend), when I expressed (verbal and implied) to him that I wanted to be intimate that evening. This situation did not just happen from time-to-time but quite often.

 

The same incident happened when we went on vacation to Key West, Florida. He stayed up watching Howard Stern rather than coming to bed with me though I expressed the need to be held.

 

At the time I didn't understand that I was being emotionally neglected, because as he would put it "he has done nothing to me". He felt that the fact that he would rather watch TV than spend it with me was okay.

 

Though, he insisted that he was doing nothing wrong I still felt hurt and neglected. Therefore, I would "lash out" being being verbally abusive. Which, in turn made me look like the "bad guy" because again, he had done "nothing' and I am cursing and calling him all these names.

 

So, I often felt very guilty for my immature behavior and apologized and strive to "make it up to him". I also felt lots of shame and guilt about how my anger would destroy our relationship.

 

Granted, I had a hard time dealing with the situation. Especially, because it was "invisible" to the naked eye.

 

Now his family (his mother to be exact) claims that I have showed him a side that he has never seen.

 

I am not excusing myself for mentioned behavior. However, let it be know that it was "triggered" by an invisible act.

[Tony T]

You need not accept the judgements of others. To hell with his mother. Mothers never think their sons can do wrong. You were in a very empty, unfulfilling marriage and made earnest attempts to let your husband know how you felt.

 

Your husband is the jerk in all this. It really sounds like a serious communication and incompatibility problem.

 

I will tell you though that this is not an unusual situation. There are men all over the world who do not listen to their wives, who take their relationships for granted, and do not understand that in marriage there are certain minor things that are so important to do

 

You will be better of with someone who is more attentive over the long haul.

[Timbo]

Dear Change,

 

Give yourself some credit, you have fought the good fight.

 

No, he did not "do anything". And that is a major reason why things turned out like they have. Don't worry about what other people think about you, what you did or didn't do in this relationship. He wants to make himself look good through all of this and most likely has a distorted view of what really took place. There is no telling what he may tell other people about your relationship. It dosn't matter.

 

You can beat yourself up over this for a long time if you want to. Try to limit the one woman boxing match to a few rounds. Just enough to keep you honest about your contribution, which, judging by your post, I'd say you have already taken some hits.

 

Keep looking up, things will get better.

[Deejette]

This is the classic case of the man being so sure of the woman he is with that he stops trying. He would rather watch TV with sex themes (Howard Stern) than indulge in the real thing. That is very bad for your self-esteem as a desirable woman.

 

Often, women in such marriages look for someone else and don't even bother telling their husbands that they are on the way out.

 

Then the man turns around and wonders what happened and blames it on "Women change their minds at the drop of a hat." It is too late by then and the woman doesn't even bother to talk it over with her husband to tell him what went wrong.

 

At least you were letting him know. But he wasn't hearing you. He needs the wake-up call of a cold shoulder from you.

Dear Change, Give yourself some credit, you have fought the good fight. No, he did not "do anything". And that is a major reason why things turned out like they have. Don't worry about what other people think about you, what you did or didn't do in this relationship. He wants to make himself look good through all of this and most likely has a distorted view of what really took place. There is no telling what he may tell other people about your relationship. It dosn't matter. You can beat yourself up over this for a long time if you want to. Try to limit the one woman boxing match to a few rounds. Just enough to keep you honest about your contribution, which, judging by your post, I'd say you have already taken some hits. Keep looking up, things will get better.

[changeofheart2000]

Guys, thank you so much for listening (actually, reading)to me while I go through a major hurdle in my life.

 

It is refreshing to hear (read) your words of encourgement and prespective while I am here "drowning in a cup of water".

 

Thanks again for your encouragement and support.