Happily married and cheating....still baffles me!

[Scarlett5]

After ending my 6 month stint as the OW, nagging away at me is my curiosity about the things I don’t know. Not knowing always plays on my mind, and in this case, I feel like I want to know eeeverything about their relationship, as the situation confuses the hell out of me.

 

It’s actually a pretty sad story. His wife is only 24, 23 when they got married. He is 27. They have been together for 7 years and so they are childhood sweethearts. And now he is cheating, with A LOT of enthusiasm. I have ended it, although he wanted to carry it on long-term.

 

I’m also 27, independent, confident, attractive, intelligent….but all in a girl next door kind of way. Makes me cringe a bit writing that but I want to try and explain myself as best as I can. I’m a bubbly person most of the time and very down to earth…and he and I get on really well, as well as being absolutely crazy about each other. Now I know her age and have seen a picture, I feel as though when I met him, he was drawn to those qualities in me and has since got completely carried away. I’ve also done the same, and I feel that we have both picked out the great things about each other and have each created this perfect person who we are now addicted to and have put on a pedestal (a common theme in the majority of affairs, I guess).

 

I personally think he’s just taking his life and wife for granted and is maybe a bit bored with every day life, and the familiarity of his 7 year relationship. Plus there was the obvious temptation when we met and fancied the pants off each other. He clearly isn’t committed to her in the way that he should be, and I don’t think he should have got married before he was ready to make that commitment – although he doesn’t want to leave her, that has never been suggested in any way. Maybe he needed more single years to sew his wild oats, who knows.

 

I feel incredibly sad that she is 24 and married to her childhood sweetheart and he is doing this. He tells me how amazing I am and he sends me pictures of himself semi-naked, taken in their home. I would feel like crap about my part in this anyway, but since finding out her age, I know if someone was telling me about this situation, I would feel very protective over her.

 

Other than that, they seem to have a very nice life together. Nice house, cars, he has a degree and a decent job (not sure what she does), nice holidays, luxury honeymoon, no kids, own groups of friends, lots of days and nights out together. A few arguments, nothing that strikes me as unusual. I really can’t understand why he would cheat when he seems to have what so many other people would cherish. I appreciate I am basing this on the limited amount of information I know, granted.

 

I can’t decide whether he’s just incredibly selfish and takes everything he has hugely for granted; thinking he won’t get caught whilst enjoying the ego boost. Or whether deep down, he got married because he has such a ‘great’ comfortable life with someone who he has a lot of history with, and who he loves but is not in love with. I don’t believe anyone ‘in’ love would look twice at anyone else in this way – although I know that is much debated. Either way, I think the main issue definitely comes from within, and is something that is lacking inside him.

 

He says he’s happily married, but as I’m ‘so amazing’ he wants the best of both worlds. He’s able to compartmentalise and says he doesn’t think about the reality of it, as if he does, it scares him. He thinks it’s a crazy situation and really unfortunate that we met after he got engaged. Oh and at one point he also said his relationship was fine but I had really opened his eyes. Other than that, we haven’t spoken about his relationship. I don’t ask, he doesn’t tell.

 

I’m so overwhelmed with curiosity I had to post and share my feelings. I have driven my friends mad enough for now Obviously no one can give me factual answers, I know that. I just wondered what your (non-sarcastic please) opinions are about a guy/situation like this. Or if anyone can relate to it at all? Thanks all.

[imperfectangel]

I never asked about his wife and any time he bought her up in conversation I tried to shut him up I really didn't/don't want to know it makes it too real but my ex mm also always told me he was "happy" even though in the same phone call he was telling me how much he loved me and that we should be together and all the other **** that obv wasn't/isn't true

 

To me, they're just selfish and immature.

[whichwayisup]

He's narcissistic, selfish, has a huge ego and feels entitled.

 

Don't waste your precious thoughts about the why's and how's of his marriage, trying to figure out what is or went through his head. Your A is over, right? What's the point of spending so much time thinking and wondering about his marriage (which, sorry to say, really isn't any of your business)..All it does is keep your mind on him and maybe feed some feelings that you (may) have for him.

[Catplates]

Scarlett, he will tell you anything he wants. He might sa you are Amazing, Gorgeous, Brilliant...he's living in a fantasy so he can say whatever he thinks you need to hear. Don't take those things to heart, because he would say it to anybody he was in an A with. It could have been anybody, but unfortunately it was you.

 

Of course he wants you long term. He has two lovely young women who are at his back and call... it works for him as xMM used to happily tell me. It won't work for you forever. You are already wanting to know all about his marriage. If you find out, you will begin to fret about what he is doing with her. All those times they go out or go away will begin to torture you.

 

Are you asking for an explanation because you are wondering secretly if he really is happy and if he might leave her???????

 

He would have married you instead of her if he had wanted to. He married her. He has a sweet life... all the sweeter because he has you as well . He won't leave for you.

 

He cheats because he can and because he likes variety. I don't think it has anything to do with being married young or loving his wife. He's just a junior cake eater and will probably grow into an old cake eater one day.

 

Consider carefully and decide just how long you are willing to let yourself be in this degrading position. It will eventually destroy all that confidence and joy I read in your post.

 

All the best

Cat.... ( old but wise?

[thomasb]

 

 

I personally think he’s just taking his life and wife for granted and is maybe a bit bored with every day life, and the familiarity of his 7 year

 

 

I can’t decide whether he’s just incredibly selfish and takes everything he has hugely for granted; thinking he won’t get caught whilst enjoying the ego boost.

 

.

 

 

 

And from a former and happy to say, reformed MM cheater, I can tell you that these are his truths.

[Scarlett5]

Are you asking for an explanation because you are wondering secretly if he really is happy and if he might leave her???????

 

No. We live far apart anyway, so I wouldn't actually know if he did leave her. And if we ever got together for real, I know it would likely end in disaster and I'd end up a million times more hurt. So I wouldn't even go there.

 

Consider carefully and decide just how long you are willing to let yourself be in this degrading position. It will eventually destroy all that confidence and joy I read in your post.

 

It's very degrading, you're right. I'm heading in the right direction, just slowly. But surely

 

Thanks for the advice.

[Scarlett5]

And from a former and happy to say, reformed MM cheater, I can tell you that these are his truths.

 

Thanks for the insight Thomas what happened with you, did you get caught and have a big dose of reality?

[Scarlett5]

All it does is keep your mind on him and maybe feed some feelings that you (may) have for him.

 

It is definitely doing that, it's driving me mad. I'm trying to keep myself busy, make plans, etc. I just think it will take time and effort. I feel so ridiculous.

[veryhappy]

It's very simple. He has limited sexual experience and his thing is itching big time. Sure, it's a fairytale for the future kids that mom and dad were high school sweethearts, but it doesn't help with the sexual drive and curiosity of a man in his 20s.

 

That's all. Sex. He wants what he has, but doesn't want to miss out and his moral views are not enough to stop him.

[whichwayisup]

It is definitely doing that, it's driving me mad. I'm trying to keep myself busy, make plans, etc. I just think it will take time and effort. I feel so ridiculous.

 

Then just stop. it's out of your hands..

 

Grieve the loss, keep busy and rely on your good friends and family to help you through this. Join a gym and punch the shi.t out of that punching bag! Pretend it's him! Join a yoga group to help you relax..It'll help your mind, body and soul... Volunteer somewhere, this way you're thinking of others and not caught up in your mind about him so much.

 

Pamper yourself. Go shopping, get a new haircut, go get massages and have spa days with your women friends! Don't let HIM ruin your life. He's a piece of shi.t on your shoe! Rub it off, or throw it out - Then do your absolute best to do NC in your mind. As soon as you start thinking of him, distract yourself.

[spice4life]

After ending my 6 month stint as the OW, nagging away at me is my curiosity about the things I don’t know. Not knowing always plays on my mind, and in this case, I feel like I want to know eeeverything about their relationship, as the situation confuses the hell out of me.

 

It’s actually a pretty sad story. His wife is only 24, 23 when they got married. He is 27. They have been together for 7 years and so they are childhood sweethearts. And now he is cheating, with A LOT of enthusiasm. I have ended it, although he wanted to carry it on long-term.

 

I’m also 27, independent, confident, attractive, intelligent….but all in a girl next door kind of way. Makes me cringe a bit writing that but I want to try and explain myself as best as I can. I’m a bubbly person most of the time and very down to earth…and he and I get on really well, as well as being absolutely crazy about each other. Now I know her age and have seen a picture, I feel as though when I met him, he was drawn to those qualities in me and has since got completely carried away. I’ve also done the same, and I feel that we have both picked out the great things about each other and have each created this perfect person who we are now addicted to and have put on a pedestal (a common theme in the majority of affairs, I guess).

 

I personally think he’s just taking his life and wife for granted and is maybe a bit bored with every day life, and the familiarity of his 7 year relationship. Plus there was the obvious temptation when we met and fancied the pants off each other. He clearly isn’t committed to her in the way that he should be, and I don’t think he should have got married before he was ready to make that commitment – although he doesn’t want to leave her, that has never been suggested in any way. Maybe he needed more single years to sew his wild oats, who knows.

 

I feel incredibly sad that she is 24 and married to her childhood sweetheart and he is doing this. He tells me how amazing I am and he sends me pictures of himself semi-naked, taken in their home. I would feel like crap about my part in this anyway, but since finding out her age, I know if someone was telling me about this situation, I would feel very protective over her.

 

Other than that, they seem to have a very nice life together. Nice house, cars, he has a degree and a decent job (not sure what she does), nice holidays, luxury honeymoon, no kids, own groups of friends, lots of days and nights out together. A few arguments, nothing that strikes me as unusual. I really can’t understand why he would cheat when he seems to have what so many other people would cherish. I appreciate I am basing this on the limited amount of information I know, granted.

 

I can’t decide whether he’s just incredibly selfish and takes everything he has hugely for granted; thinking he won’t get caught whilst enjoying the ego boost. Or whether deep down, he got married because he has such a ‘great’ comfortable life with someone who he has a lot of history with, and who he loves but is not in love with. I don’t believe anyone ‘in’ love would look twice at anyone else in this way – although I know that is much debated. Either way, I think the main issue definitely comes from within, and is something that is lacking inside him.

 

He says he’s happily married, but as I’m ‘so amazing’ he wants the best of both worlds. He’s able to compartmentalise and says he doesn’t think about the reality of it, as if he does, it scares him. He thinks it’s a crazy situation and really unfortunate that we met after he got engaged. Oh and at one point he also said his relationship was fine but I had really opened his eyes. Other than that, we haven’t spoken about his relationship. I don’t ask, he doesn’t tell.

 

I’m so overwhelmed with curiosity I had to post and share my feelings. I have driven my friends mad enough for now Obviously no one can give me factual answers, I know that. I just wondered what your (non-sarcastic please) opinions are about a guy/situation like this. Or if anyone can relate to it at all? Thanks all.

 

LOL. No worries, I'm not laughing at you its more like laughing with you. I actually enjoyed the don't ask don't tell policy. I looked at it this way, he made his intentions clear that he was happy with his life, so why would I want to open up that can of worms? The boundaries were clear and I liked the fact that they were because it gave me the ability to choose interestingly enough. Sure, I won't lie, there were times when my curiosity was piqued, but I snapped myself back to reality and got over it.

 

Hey, if you know he's happy where he is then don't torture yourself. Accept it and appreciate the fact that he has given you the option to make your own choices whatever they may be.

[thomasb]

Thanks for the insight Thomas what happened with you, did you get caught and have a big dose of reality?

 

 

No. The guilt and shame was eating me up. I confessed.

[BrokenPrincess]

I was happily married when I began an A. I also thought my xMM was "so amazing" and I actually felt blessed to have both he & my H in my life. We both wanted it to continue ad long as possible, but his W found out. My A awakened some things in me though that I hope I can now build in my M.

 

Unlike your situation, my xMM was also a cake eater so we had similar expectations. And we were both taking for granted what we had at home & selfishly enjoying the excitement of a new relationship with someone.

[movingon45]

Scarlett, he will tell you anything he wants. He might sa you are Amazing, Gorgeous, Brilliant...he's living in a fantasy so he can say whatever he thinks you need to hear. Don't take those things to heart, because he would say it to anybody he was in an A with. It could have been anybody, but unfortunately it was you.

 

Of course he wants you long term. He has two lovely young women who are at his back and call... it works for him as xMM used to happily tell me. It won't work for you forever. You are already wanting to know all about his marriage. If you find out, you will begin to fret about what he is doing with her. All those times they go out or go away will begin to torture you.

 

Are you asking for an explanation because you are wondering secretly if he really is happy and if he might leave her???????

 

He would have married you instead of her if he had wanted to. He married her. He has a sweet life... all the sweeter because he has you as well . He won't leave for you.

 

He cheats because he can and because he likes variety. I don't think it has anything to do with being married young or loving his wife. He's just a junior cake eater and will probably grow into an old cake eater one day.

 

Consider carefully and decide just how long you are willing to let yourself be in this degrading position. It will eventually destroy all that confidence and joy I read in your post.

 

All the best

Cat.... ( old but wise?

 

I think that's exactly what happened to me! He has the perfect life and he just wanted variety.

[Lillyfree]

some guys are just after notches on bedposts.

 

OM's gf was the secure bit. even if their R wasn't perfect and they didn't have as much in common as we did (from what he was saying )

 

i provided ego boosts, shoulder to cry on, and the excitement.

together we were the complete, perfect woman for him. lucky him.

[WhatsTheAnswer]

I was happily married when I began an A. I also thought my xMM was "so amazing" and I actually felt blessed to have both he & my H in my life. We both wanted it to continue ad long as possible, but his W found out. My A awakened some things in me though that I hope I can now build in my M.

 

Unlike your situation, my xMM was also a cake eater so we had similar expectations. And we were both taking for granted what we had at home & selfishly enjoying the excitement of a new relationship with someone.

 

And you weren't a cake eater too? Sounds like you were the definition of a cake eater.

[BrokenPrincess]

And you weren't a cake eater too? Sounds like you were the definition of a cake eater.

 

Yes, that's why I said xMM was "also" a cake eater.