Anyone's NC ever NOT been broken?

[loredo21]

I've read so many posts about MOM etc instantly taking a NC stance after D-day. And almost every one I have seen has the WS breaking the NC and contacting their OW again. I guess my question is, has anyone's MOM followed through with the NC thing? Honestly NEVER contacting you again. And for how long?

Or if they did break NC and you want to share advice, what did they have to say?

My reasons for asking are all over the place I guess. Could be as simple as I miss him. Could be an ego-driven thing where I just need to know he still thinks about me. Could be so I can respond to him with the witty eff you letter I have scripted out. Could be the closure thing.....there are a lot of reasons that I would want him to contact, but I am about 70% sure that I hope he never breaks the NC. It would be too hard. I think I just want to be prepared.

Thanks all!

[wisernow]

Xmm has not contacted me since May 2011. So yes, it is possible and for me it was preferred. If a relationship is over, what's the point in prolonging the goodbye?

[FightClub]

After the initial disappearance, seven months later xMW sent an e-mail, possibly a double-edged closure/fishing attempt and exactly a year and a half later, not a word.

 

Mind you, I also blocked any form of social networking, etc so she wouldn't be able to.

 

So, yes, I do believe it's possible for them to retreat for good, not always but it just takes time for them to settle into the, 'it's over' part of life.

 

-FC

[FightClub]

My friend who is still in the aftermath told me that it took a few months for him to be sure he wasn't signing up for well-deserved hell by reconciling. In that time he kept in secret contact do making a mockery of NC. Thus when he REALLY went NC the OW didn't believe him and kept fishing. I think that's probably common. He messes up NC once and then he has no credibility. It's a shame though as many OW on this board want Nc but struggle for various reasons but don't realize MM may be the same, though for different reasons. They assume if he struggles with NC it is because he wants them/it was the wrong choice. Perhaps that's true more for women. I think men struggle with Nc for different reasons and they aren't that flattering on either party but when he really goes NC you should assume he's serious.

 

Also I know of a MAP who went NC for months before explicitly ending the A. Basically she said she could not even make a decision while he had 2 men trying to have a relationship with her. And again, to know if the M was worth saving she had to try, and you can't try if you are putting energy into someone else. The OM was effectively kept on the back burner unless and until she decided she wanted the backup. Not nice for either man. I assume MM do the same sometimes. The OP and BS both think "just decide already!" but the MAP can't decide with 2 partners current. One needs to be excluded.

 

Sometimes they get separated or leave for the AP then go back- ouch for both there. Sometimes they go NC with the AP and stay in the marriage.

 

I have read the "just decide already!" threads and I wonder if both sides miss this point. You can't decide sometimes if you are trying to keep both people happy in case you choose them.

 

ETA maybe it's a coincidence or maybe not but both real life cases I know of the person who backed off was the one they kept an R with. The OM who said ok and took NC as a decision of itself was the one who got a call weeks later saying she had left for him if e still wanted her. And the wife who said well I'm standing my ground, get back to me when you have your s*** together was the one he begged for forgiveness weeks later. That time the OW wouldn't let go and threw tantrums about him "vanishing" and how was he supposed to decide to leave if he didnt talk to her? She just drove home how inferior she was to his gentle dignified wife (my sister so yes bias acknowledged). But he says the same. He decided more quickly to commit to his w because the ow was so lacking in understanding that you can't decide with 2 people in your ear.

 

I completely agree with this.

 

Regardless of the relationship, when it's over, it's over.

 

If MAP doesn't choose you, let it go, save that small part of dignity for yourself and walk away knowing you can respect the decision and move onto the next phase of life.

 

Besides, you should never have to force someone to make a decision to share a life with you, step away and if they truly want you back, they can do it divorced; free and clear of any previous obstacles.

 

And if they really want to find you, given this day and age of technology, they will.

 

-FC

[loredo21]

I'm going on almost 6 months of no contact. and i feel okay. i had some really rough spots. and some drunken stupor messages from my end. But never a response. The only SMALL form of contact from their end is after DDay his wife trying to follow me on pinterest and "liking" some of my posts that she obviously assumes were for him, and him following one of my boards on pinterest that has to do with inspirational quotes. It almost seemed as though they were taunting me. I soon after figured out how to block them both.

[wanting more]

It's been almost 5 months (wow) since 2nd d-day and NC between xMM and myself. I've gotten some emails and texts from xMM BW and she's still texting my SO. I don't expect, hope for, or wish to ever hear from

xMM again. And it's a great feeling to say that and mean it.

[bigalagain]

I'm a novice here myself and NC has only truly been in place for about three weeks. I find it easier to assume it is permanent, but like you, I hear from many that it won't be. The thing to do is not to wait to see if it breaks but decide what you are going to do if it does. If it never does, no problem but you have to prepare yourself for what you intend later.

 

And not to feed any hopes, but I have a friend who went through 13 years of no contact only to have XMM come around again (with a different wife this time).

[BrokenPrincess]

It's been 3 months since we said goodbye after DDay and not a peep since then.

[loredo21]

I have no resolve with the way things were ended....it seems more impossible to move on with so many questions. but the questions BS has are so much worse I'm sure. I guess I'm being selfish. But I really would love some oh so cliche "closure".

[ow9]

I'll be honest. I was excited to read this thread. See who has waited years and who's ex came back within hours. My exMM, after saying his wife could take him for millions so he had to work on it, told me "he would call me in 6-12 months when his marriage didn't work and we could finally be together then." Ha! Ok that's just funny. But people here are saying they don't come back a lot and they really do stay NC. Honestly? That's delightful to hear.

[fooled2manyX]

I had posted my own thread for those of you who are interested "advice welcomed - he vanished".

 

I haven't gotten closure. He knew she found out, but they hadn't "gotten into it yet." He left my home one day and we did not know it was going to be the last time. He told me he didn't want to go. We both said I love you. He seemed to be preparing himself for D-Day. I think now, he thought she was going to kick him out & not want to work at things.

 

But I had asked him, many times. "Do you want to work on your marriage?" the answer was "no". I knew he just did not want to leave his kids in any capacity. The idea crushed him. I knew he was hurting from that.

 

But, it's been 6 weeks here. He never came back to tell me his choice. Never an email, letter, card... not one sentence. Nothing. And yes, wrong as it may be... I had called & text his phone which is still on. No response. I know they are working on things b/c of pics I saw which she posted.

 

I accept that he wants to keep his family intact. We had a very emotional affair though. I know he loves me. I wonder if his NC (not even to say goodbye and tell me its over) isn't only her demand of him to, but that he doesn't know how to face me. A coward move. Afterall, he talked to me of marrying me one day, babies of our own, a life. How do you face someone and tell them that is now "not" going to happen?

 

It doesn't matter really. It still should be said. I have had to sit here and was left to guess. I was left to figure it out when I didnt hear anything.

 

Will I?

[wanting more]

My A was almost 3-1/2 years. He loved me. Told me all the time. Never stopped talking after 1st d-day. I thought I was so special, i mean if he didn't love me he would've ended it after the 1st d-day. 2nd d-day happens and he's gone. No good bye. No I'm sorry. No I can't leave my kids. NOTHING. except throwing me under the bus and blaming me 100% for the A to his BW. I cried like never before. I needed closure. I needed to hear him say something, anything. But I got nothing. I didn't think I'd be able to get thru this, but guess what. His silence (whether his choice or her ultimatum doesn't matter) has spoken volumes to me. Every now and then when the tears start for what I thought we had, I remember August 10, 2012, the day the man I thought loved me, left me. Tears stop and I move on. Never again will I "want " this man, never again will I let myself remember the love I had for him. Im actually grateful in a sense to him that he did go NC, no lingering "what ifs". I hope I never see him again. And it's not because I worry I'd fall back in his arms, it's because I'd kick him in his balls and slap his face, and smile as I walk off.

[Lillyfree]

no d-day, i just had enough and started nc. broke it after 5 days by sending an email, which i didn't get a reply to (not even sure if he got it). broke it again boxing day by drunk-texting and then going off at him for being his usual stuck-up, condescending a-hole.

 

 

i feel that nc is mutual. he is certainly not going to contact me, and i have no desire to either.

[teatotaller]

I thought we had a NC success story, but AP contacted me in October after 26 months of absolute, mutually chosen, NC. I initiated NC on Friday so we'll see. It is so distressing to be back at square one.

 

Edited to add: there has been no DDay

Edited January 9, 2013 by teatotaller

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

We had been having the A for 3+ months when a few days after Christmas (last year), he just stopped responding to my texts which had never happened. Finally I got a text that said "I told my wife about us. I will not call or text anymore." and I just said "That's it?" and he said "Yes." I believe I said one thing about "not even an I'm sorry after all the things you've said?" He said his wife would be in control of his phone. I just told him I respected his wishes and he didn't have to threaten me-- I wouldn't contact him either." Then a Thanks. And I said goodbye.

We worked together, so the next week at school She came in my room and confronted me (with me not knowing what all she really knew?) That was impossible. I said pretty much nothing, because, what can you say?

 

He wouldn't even make eye contact with me after that., He would stare at the ground when I walked by. Almost two weeks later, he came and stood next to me in the copy room and said "I was sick and left my phone unlocked. she got it in. that's what happened. it wasn't because I don't love you, but I just have a lot to lose." .... I had felt closure at that point.

Two more weeks later he told me he missed me and texted. And so it continued until about.... 2 weeks ago when I've been trying NC. But, it's the hardest thing to do when you turn a corner and they are there everyday.

[loredo21]

I wonder if his NC (not even to say goodbye and tell me its over) isn't only her demand of him to, but that he doesn't know how to face me. A coward move.

*Yep. The first email I sent to him after Dday simply said " You are a coward".

He is. He's a child.

 

 

It doesn't matter really. It still should be said. I have had to sit here and was left to guess. I was left to figure it out when I didnt hear anything.

 

Will I?

*It' s such an odd thing to tell someone "I hope your MOM breaks no contact and come running back"...although we miss them and want that closure and feel we deserve it, I think that them contacting us again would only cause more destruction. We somehow have to move on without them. And bee okay with that...

[loredo21]

I thought we had a NC success story, but AP contacted me in October after 26 months of absolute, mutually chosen, NC. I initiated NC on Friday so we'll see. It is so distressing to be back at square one.

 

Edited to add: there has been no DDay

 

OH MY! 26 months? That is awful. I am so sorry, I don't know what the hell I would do!

[loredo21]

We had been having the A for 3+ months when a few days after Christmas (last year), he just stopped responding to my texts which had never happened. Finally I got a text that said "I told my wife about us. I will not call or text anymore." and I just said "That's it?" and he said "Yes." I believe I said one thing about "not even an I'm sorry after all the things you've said?" He said his wife would be in control of his phone. I just told him I respected his wishes and he didn't have to threaten me-- I wouldn't contact him either." Then a Thanks. And I said goodbye.

We worked together, so the next week at school She came in my room and confronted me (with me not knowing what all she really knew?) That was impossible. I said pretty much nothing, because, what can you say?

 

He wouldn't even make eye contact with me after that., He would stare at the ground when I walked by. Almost two weeks later, he came and stood next to me in the copy room and said "I was sick and left my phone unlocked. she got it in. that's what happened. it wasn't because I don't love you, but I just have a lot to lose." .... I had felt closure at that point.

Two more weeks later he told me he missed me and texted. And so it continued until about.... 2 weeks ago when I've been trying NC. But, it's the hardest thing to do when you turn a corner and they are there everyday.

 

 

On DDay his wife called and texted me a bazillion times. I wasn't answering my phone after the 1st call of her discovery, and there was one voicemail message from him saying he was "sorry for that". (his wife calling me and confronting me). I always wonder how different things would be if I had answered that one stupid phone call. The next day I texted him:

Me: "really? you have nothing to say to me?"

Him:"What do you want me to say?"

Me:"something rather than nothing"

Him:"What did you really think we were?" (are you friggen KIDDING me?)

Me:"Wow"

Him:"What did you want out of this?"

Me:"Nothing, I just need to know you cared. I'm a little devastated here"

Him:"So is my wife, and I love her and choose her"

Me: "Oh. I just didn't think you were happy with her."

Him: She and I have a future, you and I don't, we never did. Leave me alone"

then a long drawn out response from me about not asking him for a future...blah blah blah.

Shortly there after his wife called me and told me he had told her about me "harrassing" him that day and that whatever him and I had is over. and they were blocking me from any and all communication.

She was completely running the show. And I know 100% that it was either her texting me that stuff up there or her telling him what to say.

I was totally thrown under the bus as well and he completely turned his back on me.

NC began. blergh.

[Lillyfree]

Him:"What did you really think we were?"

 

wow. receiving something like that would be a punch in the gut.

[loredo21]

wow. receiving something like that would be a punch in the gut.

oh it WAS! I couldn't believe what I was reading... :/

[loredo21]

What's even worse is that I called for a break about 3 times in our short affair. I just couldn't handle it. But every time he reeled me back in saying he knew he couldn't shut off his feelings for me. And my stupid ass bought it every time. Only to be completely blindsided by his utter meanness. (again, I really am sure he was coerced into saying the things he did.) but nonetheless. he still said them. and knew how much it would hurt me...sorry i know I've gone a little off topic.

[promises]

On DDay his wife called and texted me a bazillion times. I wasn't answering my phone after the 1st call of her discovery, and there was one voicemail message from him saying he was "sorry for that". (his wife calling me and confronting me). I always wonder how different things would be if I had answered that one stupid phone call. The next day I texted him:

Me: "really? you have nothing to say to me?"

Him:"What do you want me to say?"

Me:"something rather than nothing"

Him:"What did you really think we were?" (are you friggen KIDDING me?)

Me:"Wow"

Him:"What did you want out of this?"

Me:"Nothing, I just need to know you cared. I'm a little devastated here"

Him:"So is my wife, and I love her and choose her"

Me: "Oh. I just didn't think you were happy with her."

Him: She and I have a future, you and I don't, we never did. Leave me alone"

then a long drawn out response from me about not asking him for a future...blah blah blah.

Shortly there after his wife called me and told me he had told her about me "harrassing" him that day and that whatever him and I had is over. and they were blocking me from any and all communication.

She was completely running the show. And I know 100% that it was either her texting me that stuff up there or her telling him what to say.

I was totally thrown under the bus as well and he completely turned his back on me.

NC began. blergh.

 

This is what I don't get. Did you throw him down and force yourself on him??? NO. If you ask me, the BS is the one in the fog. Don't forget that HE threw his WIFE under the bus and now is only saving his own here. He cares about no one really but himself.

 

I love how they twist it so the AP is the only one who is wrong.

[loredo21]

This is what I don't get. Did you throw him down and force yourself on him??? NO. If you ask me, the BS is the one in the fog. Don't forget that HE threw his WIFE under the bus and now is only saving his own here. He cares about no one really but himself.

 

I love how they twist it so the AP is the only one who is wrong.

 

So RIGHT! I know she is in a fog. a complete fog of denial.

[promises]

So RIGHT! I know she is in a fog. a complete fog of denial.

 

He probably told her that you were pursuing him and came onto him many times.. and he felt badly for you for some reason and obliged in dialog and friendship. Then when the sh*t hit the fan, he threw you under the bus and is still lying to her. I mean think about it... why else would she come after you??? But, the thing is, if she 'really' believed that deep down she would not be so involved in laying down the fortress of NC around you.

 

It's almost humorous to me right now how this works.

[promises]

She's no more in denial and in a fog than you are.

 

I agree that being the OW is being in a fog. A fog of crap laid out for miles by the xMM.