Found videos of boyfriend having sex with ex

[mavendark]

Hi all,

 

This is my first post here so please be kind. I hope to be more active since I've been meaning to find a good love forum for a while

 

I was using my boyfriend's computer when I accidentally clicked on the wrong hard drive (he had 3). I stored some of my files on his 3rd hard drive but I clicked on the 2nd hard drive. Some interesting folder names led me to a collection of pictures and videos of him and his ex. Half of it were just regular pictures, the other half was videos of them having sex. It was definitely a blow to the gut when I saw it. I've managed to remain calm because this is not the worst experience I've had (one time, one of my previous boyfriends actually described in detail how it felt to have his ex come while he's inside her that was truly traumatizing). But still I'm a little trembly, shaken and definitely cannot focus for the rest of the day.

 

What I am debating right now is whether I should confront him with these videos. Obviously I can't erase them from my mind, the images (in the thumbnails) were enough to leave a scar. A little more background info about me though; I'm pretty insecure about my sex life. I do think I am hotter than the ex in the video (and definitely way more smarter) but I am not very experienced in the sexual front while he on the other hand have had sex with way more people than I have. I do not have much experience pleasuring him and I do not know how to "seduce" men and seeing these videos or the existence of these videos just makes me somehow more insecure about that area. I don't want to watch it to find out the extent of their sex life together but it makes me wonder how different it is and how much better/worse I am (I know I shouldn't be thinking like that! ) I've been with this guy for about 11 months and this video was filmed about 7 months before I got with him.

 

Should I keep quiet about this? (I WAS technically snooping, although not intentionally.) He never told me he filmed anything with his ex (obviously), and when I found pictures of his ex on his phone the first couple of months into the relationship, he deleted them immediately like he promised. He also says that he is very open and is fine with giving me all the passwords to all his accounts (I never asked for it because I trust him). Should I confront him and just ask him to delete it? And how should I do so in a way where I don't make a even bigger deal out of this? If I keep quiet I feel like I might burst and end up making a big scene about this issue when we have a fight about something else later on. Or should I maybe hint at whether he even has filmed videos with other girls before to see if he'll be honest? I don't know Oh and lately, I've been jobless so all I have been doing is staying at home, applying to new jobs, and cleaning/cooking. The cleaning/cooking part is making me feel also very insecure as I am being super house-wifey and I feel at times that I am slaving away more often for him than when I did have a job (since he's working 10 hrs a day, I feel like the least I can do is cook him a meal and clean up after us). But seeing those videos today make me feel more like a slave than like a girlfriend

Edited January 8, 2013 by mavendark

[Clockwork]

You know, it is possible he forgot they were on there. No, seriously. You never know, there are things on the computer that you don't even remember. If he was fine taking it off his phone he might be fine with this. In all honesty I had some pictures of my ex at one time - real live pictures. She wasn't nude, but just posing sexy in nice clothing. I honestly forgot about them and noticed a photo album back in one of the closets last year. We have a bonfire out back so I burned it back there because that was such a thing of the past.

 

About a year before I met my wife I stumbled on some pictures of her goofing around with some guy who was grabbing her boobs over the clothes and then sliding his hand under her shirt. No big deal, I didn't know her then and it wasn't even her pictures, just some old ones her friend had in an album. And her friend, was embarassed I saw them. I was fine with it, a bunch of 19-20 year olds half drunk are bound to take questionable photos.

 

So I wouldn't worry too much about it. He's with you isn't he? Not her anymore probably for a good reason.

[mavendark]

You know, it is possible he forgot they were on there. No, seriously. You never know, there are things on the computer that you don't even remember. If he was fine taking it off his phone he might be fine with this. In all honesty I had some pictures of my ex at one time - real live pictures. She wasn't nude, but just posing sexy in nice clothing. I honestly forgot about them and noticed a photo album back in one of the closets last year. We have a bonfire out back so I burned it back there because that was such a thing of the past.

 

About a year before I met my wife I stumbled on some pictures of her goofing around with some guy who was grabbing her boobs over the clothes and then sliding his hand under her shirt. No big deal, I didn't know her then and it wasn't even her pictures, just some old ones her friend had in an album. And her friend, was embarassed I saw them. I was fine with it, a bunch of 19-20 year olds half drunk are bound to take questionable photos.

 

So I wouldn't worry too much about it. He's with you isn't he? Not her anymore probably for a good reason.

 

Yeah that's what I figure too. I don't think he's always revisiting those videos, I'm sure he just forgot about them. But you think I should still bring them up and just ask him to delete it? Or just go in and delete it for him without him ever knowing?

 

Also, I just noticed something, he told me that he always uses a condom but in those videos he wasn't using a condom. That kind of bugs me...

Edited January 8, 2013 by mavendark

[CarrieT]

I'm of the mind that you two are not married and what is his property is his; you have no right to ask him to delete them until there is at least an engagement.

 

There is no good way to bring up that you know about them without appearing like a snoop. Deal with your own feelings of inadequacy without projecting it on to your existing relationship. He is with you now for a reason; build on that and when/if there is an engagement, then talk about the vids.

[mavendark]

I'm of the mind that you two are not married and what is his property is his; you have no right to ask him to delete them until there is at least an engagement.

 

There is no good way to bring up that you know about them without appearing like a snoop. Deal with your own feelings of inadequacy without projecting it on to your existing relationship. He is with you now for a reason; build on that and when/if there is an engagement, then talk about the vids.

 

Yeah, I totally understand that. And I'm of the same opinion as well.

 

Unfortunately I know myself too well and I have a horrible tendency to word vomit (that is something that I cannot change or control about myself unfortunately, it just HAPPENS). That is, shpew out things at unnecessary times in bad circumstances, and in general, making this whole situation bad. Like what if I get mad at him one day and I totally blurt out that I am angry about this? (<-- not that I am angry now, but when I am angry, I could definitely inadvertently use it as fuel). Then I will inevitably make both situations bad (the situation we were originally arguing about and this whole video situation). What I want to prevent is that from happening. That's why perhaps I figure maybe I can just deal with it right now, while I am still calm and logical...

Edited January 8, 2013 by mavendark

[Feelin Frisky]

Hiya MD and welcome to LS. If you snooped you are in the wrong. But I can understand your feelings. If you're hotter and smarter just be hot and smart. Things good will happen. Try not to internalize this. It's all about you and him now unless you see him busying around with that old stuff. I think he's a bit of an ass for doing that at all much less keeping around where you can see it. Cheer up.

[mavendark]

Hiya MD and welcome to LS. If you snooped you are in the wrong. But I can understand your feelings. If you're hotter and smarter just be hot and smart. Things good will happen. Try not to internalize this. It's all about you and him now unless you see him busying around with that old stuff. I think he's a bit of an ass for doing that at all much less keeping around where you can see it. Cheer up.

 

Thanks, unfortunately I don't feel hotter and smarter right now since I am jobless and am bumming around at home. I guess I should dress up and not bum around in my sweats all the time, even if I only see him for 3-4 hours a day before/after work...

[NoMagicBullet]

I know this won't sound possible at all, but try to put it out of your mind. These videos are likely not on your boyfriend's mind at all. As long as this was in the past, you have nothing to worry about. As for him not using a condom... she was his girlfriend, right? For whatever reasons, they did not use one then, and that's between them. You didn't mean to find them, so why bring up that you found them and ask him to delete them? He would likely feel very embarassed and perhaps a bit violated that you found them and watched them.

 

As long as there are no new videos with other women and he isn't repeatedly watching these videos as his own personal porn, you dont need to worry. You're just feeling very insecure right now (understandably), and that's what you need to work through. I don't think it would actually make you feel that much better if your bf did delete them, since you already saw them and know they once existed.

[mavendark]

I know this won't sound possible at all, but try to put it out of your mind. These videos are likely not on your boyfriend's mind at all. As long as this was in the past, you have nothing to worry about. As for him not using a condom... she was his girlfriend, right? For whatever reasons, they did not use one then, and that's between them. You didn't mean to find them, so why bring up that you found them and ask him to delete them? He would likely feel very embarassed and perhaps a bit violated that you found them and watched them.

 

As long as there are no new videos with other women and he isn't repeatedly watching these videos as his own personal porn, you dont need to worry. You're just feeling very insecure right now (understandably), and that's what you need to work through. I don't think it would actually make you feel that much better if your bf did delete them, since you already saw them and know they once existed.

 

Yeah, I've been "okay" successful in putting it out of my mind in the last couple of hours. I just got in touch with my best friend of 20 years again, and we are just talking about random stuff and that managed to get my mind off of this issue and be a bit happier...

 

So basically it seems the general consensus is to not even mention it? It still would bug me that it still exists Oh, for the condom thing, it's because he's mentioned to me multiple times before that he's super careful with previous girlfriends and always used condom so... I don't really like the fact that it might've been a lie, considering now we are not using condoms at all (ever) (we use other types of birth control).

[Keenly]

I'm not trying to make fun of you, welcome to the forum.

 

But when you said " I'm way more smarter " I loled

[Chi townD]

Well, I think you should talk to him about it. Tell him that you stumbled across them on his hard drive. Convey to him that you understand that those video's happened before the two of you got together. But, seeing them together hurt a little and made you feel insecure. That you're looking for a little reassurance. And, this is important, no not get mad or angry. Do not start yelling or screaming. Talk to him in a calm and cool manner. I think he'll be more understanding with this approach and he'll bend over backwards to try and comfort you through this.

 

Because, right now, he's dedicated to you and you alone and you got smacked in the face pretty hard with his past and it stings a little. But you need to say everything you said here to him. You need to communicate with him and help him to see that this hurt you alittle even though it wasn't his fault (well, it was a little, he shouldn't have had those on there while he's in a new relationship).

 

Talk to him. Not scream, yell or cry.......talk.

[veggirl]

I think you should talk to him too. I don't see the point in pretending you never saw that. Explain what happened, how you came across those and talk it out. It's just going to eat at you if you don't, what's the point in hiding it? It happened, so you have to deal with it and he should know how you are feeling, he will pick up on you being in a "funk" or whatever quick enough, so best to get it out in the open. Also, this:

 

Thanks, unfortunately I don't feel hotter and smarter right now since I am jobless and am bumming around at home. I guess I should dress up and not bum around in my sweats all the time, even if I only see him for 3-4 hours a day before/after work...

 

Yes please take the time to get properly dressed every day. Bumming around in sweats day after day is not sexy and is a romance killer, throw some jeans on at least lol. Plus getting dressed and whatnot will put you in a better frame of mind to be job hunting and whatnot.

[mavendark]

Well, I think you should talk to him about it. Tell him that you stumbled across them on his hard drive. Convey to him that you understand that those video's happened before the two of you got together. But, seeing them together hurt a little and made you feel insecure. That you're looking for a little reassurance. And, this is important, no not get mad or angry. Do not start yelling or screaming. Talk to him in a calm and cool manner. I think he'll be more understanding with this approach and he'll bend over backwards to try and comfort you through this.

 

Because, right now, he's dedicated to you and you alone and you got smacked in the face pretty hard with his past and it stings a little. But you need to say everything you said here to him. You need to communicate with him and help him to see that this hurt you alittle even though it wasn't his fault (well, it was a little, he shouldn't have had those on there while he's in a new relationship).

 

Talk to him. Not scream, yell or cry.......talk.

 

So I actually didn't read this before I spoke to him about it, but I pretty much did exactly this. Although I was very calm and I didn't yell, and I definitely apologized for snooping and I told him that it wasn't his fault, I did cry. It wasn't because of anything he said, but it was just that throughout the day I had been dealing with it so well. I was talking to my best friend throughout the day and I felt way better, just talking about random things with her. But the moment he came back home from work and the moment I saw his face and started telling him this stuff, everything just came wooshing back and definitely slapped me hard in the face. Hence the crying. But it wasn't like I was crazy crying, just sad tears. I tried to control it as much as I could

 

He was definitely understanding, and he really comforted me. He told me that anyone would get insecure after seeing those things and that he would spend some time after work sometime or over the weekend to come through all of his hard drives on his computer to make sure there is nothing left.

 

I cheered up a bit and talked to him about random things that happened throughout the day. But I think the fact that he knows that I saw these things kind of affected him too. I don't know why but later in the night, he was really distant and kind of just thinking by himself. He didn't really actively engage me in any conversation and he replied to my questions with very aloof answers. I don't think I committed too much of a mistake by talking to him; I didn't do anything in particular to make him mad at him (except for snoop, but I definitely apologized for that) but it feels like he's mad. Maybe I'm just reading too much into this too.

 

 

I think you should talk to him too. I don't see the point in pretending you never saw that. Explain what happened, how you came across those and talk it out. It's just going to eat at you if you don't, what's the point in hiding it? It happened, so you have to deal with it and he should know how you are feeling, he will pick up on you being in a "funk" or whatever quick enough, so best to get it out in the open. Also, this:

 

Yes please take the time to get properly dressed every day. Bumming around in sweats day after day is not sexy and is a romance killer, throw some jeans on at least lol. Plus getting dressed and whatnot will put you in a better frame of mind to be job hunting and whatnot.

 

Yup I agree with your first paragraph (and second paragraph too ). There was no point in ignoring it, which was why I talked to him.

 

And yes, I will try to get properly dressed everyday, even if I'm just staying at home... That is definitely I can work on starting immediately. Thanks for telling me this straight to my face haha!

[sayyes19]

So I actually didn't read this before I spoke to him about it, but I pretty much did exactly this. Although I was very calm and I didn't yell, and I definitely apologized for snooping and I told him that it wasn't his fault, I did cry. It wasn't because of anything he said, but it was just that throughout the day I had been dealing with it so well. I was talking to my best friend throughout the day and I felt way better, just talking about random things with her. But the moment he came back home from work and the moment I saw his face and started telling him this stuff, everything just came wooshing back and definitely slapped me hard in the face. Hence the crying. But it wasn't like I was crazy crying, just sad tears. I tried to control it as much as I could

 

He was definitely understanding, and he really comforted me. He told me that anyone would get insecure after seeing those things and that he would spend some time after work sometime or over the weekend to come through all of his hard drives on his computer to make sure there is nothing left.

 

I cheered up a bit and talked to him about random things that happened throughout the day. But I think the fact that he knows that I saw these things kind of affected him too. I don't know why but later in the night, he was really distant and kind of just thinking by himself. He didn't really actively engage me in any conversation and he replied to my questions with very aloof answers. I don't think I committed too much of a mistake by talking to him; I didn't do anything in particular to make him mad at him (except for snoop, but I definitely apologized for that) but it feels like he's mad. Maybe I'm just reading too much into this too.

 

 

 

 

Yup I agree with your first paragraph (and second paragraph too ). There was no point in ignoring it, which was why I talked to him.

 

And yes, I will try to get properly dressed everyday, even if I'm just staying at home... That is definitely I can work on starting immediately. Thanks for telling me this straight to my face haha!

I know as a guy that when something to our SO happens we want to fix it as quick as possible without actually processing the feelings of the antidote. Maybe he wanted to comfort you, but after processing his emotions he started thinking about how this seems controlling to him and he's not ready to erase that part of his life yet. Just a guess though as I am not him.

[MrBossMan]

If you didn't watch all of them:

 

Right-click the video files that you haven't actually watched and look at properties. It will tell you when they were last accessed.

 

But, yeah. If he already promised to delete them, and it bothers you enough, then tell him that you saw them there. But given that you're not feeling that great about your current situation, I wouldn't. It will come across as nagging and having too much time on your hands. I advise you to let it go unless he's still watching them.

 

And don't worry about not having a job. Just keep looking, and you'll get one soon enough. Look for companies that are doing the most hiring at the moment.

[mavendark]

I know as a guy that when something to our SO happens we want to fix it as quick as possible without actually processing the feelings of the antidote. Maybe he wanted to comfort you, but after processing his emotions he started thinking about how this seems controlling to him and he's not ready to erase that part of his life yet. Just a guess though as I am not him.

 

Do you mean that he's not ready to erase his past (with his ex)? Regardless, you do bring up a good point. I am sure he is very similar in that regards, that he wants to fix it as quick as possible. However this situation is not somethign that can be fixed with the snap of a finger. Sure, he can delete all his files. But that is not a "fix". Since I have already discovered them, seen them, and know they exist the damage has already been done. There's no "quick" way to fix this anymore except to let time do its job.

 

It would be great to get some more perspective on why he's so aloof to me since last night from other men as well!

 

If you didn't watch all of them:

 

Right-click the video files that you haven't actually watched and look at properties. It will tell you when they were last accessed.

...

And don't worry about not having a job. Just keep looking, and you'll get one soon enough. Look for companies that are doing the most hiring at the moment.

 

Omg, I totally should have checked before I watched! Why was I so stupid?! (Edit: Actually now that I think about it I am pretty sure, 99%, that he has never watched them during our relationship. First of all he pretty much lives with me, and there's rarely a chance where he's home alone and I'm out. Secondly since we're together all the time he's always on his computer. He only has one computer and that's the laptop he uses at my place. There's no way he can jerk off to his huge laptop without me finding out. The only way is if he does it in the bathroom, which he never brings his laptop to the bathroom. And lastly, he only brings his tablet in the bathroom with him *lolz, men* but he bought that tablet way after we got together and i consistently use it and know that he doesn't have anything on there.)

 

And thanks for the encouragement about the job search!

Edited January 10, 2013 by mavendark

[GSB81]

This thread raises a good question. Is it more wrong to snoop than it is to keep homemade porn while in a relationship with a new person? Hmmmmm.

[MrWindupBird]

My wife once found a video of me having sex with my ex-wife on my old laptop.

 

She found it more interesting than anything, but I didn't even know it was on there. I tried to delete it long before, but apparently Apple keeps duplicates when you're going between quicktime and itunes.

 

My point is that sometimes, when a person spends a lot of time on their computer, and many do in this age, then things get cluttered and you can forget what's on there. If he has 3 hard drives, then that's a lot of stuff to keep track of.

 

And even if he did mean to keep them, some men like to keep things like that. It's an ego booster. He should've deleted them, but it doesn't mean he misses her or wants her back. Good luck to you.

[Chi townD]

I cheered up a bit and talked to him about random things that happened throughout the day. But I think the fact that he knows that I saw these things kind of affected him too. I don't know why but later in the night, he was really distant and kind of just thinking by himself. He didn't really actively engage me in any conversation and he replied to my questions with very aloof answers. I don't think I committed too much of a mistake by talking to him; I didn't do anything in particular to make him mad at him (except for snoop, but I definitely apologized for that) but it feels like he's mad. Maybe I'm just reading too much into this too.

 

 

 

 

 

Hard to say what he's feeling. But, I would speculate that he might be feeling ashamed. He might be feeling like you may be looking at him like some kind of pervert because he recorded himself being intimate with his Ex. OR he may be feeling like he's walking on eggshells around you, Maybe, in past experiences with women, he's used to women blowing up at him. Yelling and screaming and throwing stuff. So, he may be waiting for the other shoe to drop because he's not used to a young lady that handled a situation so well and kept her composure and handled a situation in a mature manner.

 

I would suggest that you keep things light and happy as much as possible. Don't beat a dead horse. Let him approach you about clearing the hard drives. Don't bring it up. However, if things continue to feel like there's a huge elephant in the room and there's still a wedge between the two of you after a significant peroid of time has past, then you might want to suggest couples counseling.

[mavendark]

This thread raises a good question. Is it more wrong to snoop than it is to keep homemade porn while in a relationship with a new person? Hmmmmm.

 

I think both are just about equally wrong. Granted in my situation, I wasn't snooping purposely, it wasn't as if I went onto his laptop for the purpose of snooping. I was simply trying to access my files but clicked on the wrong harddrive. Nonetheless it still is snooping since I did click further into that harddrive. As for the homemade porn part, it also wasn't as if he kept it purposely. As MrWindupBird said below, he had three hard drives in one computer, and he admitted that it was hard to keep it clean all the time. I'm 100% sure that he wasn't looking at it when he was in a relationship with me. But he was wrong to not have cleaned it out. But ultimately it wasn't his fault.

 

My point is that sometimes, when a person spends a lot of time on their computer, and many do in this age, then things get cluttered and you can forget what's on there. If he has 3 hard drives, then that's a lot of stuff to keep track of.

 

And even if he did mean to keep them, some men like to keep things like that. It's an ego booster. He should've deleted them, but it doesn't mean he misses her or wants her back. Good luck to you.

 

Yes I do agree with you. He just lost track of it. He does not miss her or want her back.

 

 

Hard to say what he's feeling. But, I would speculate that he might be feeling ashamed. He might be feeling like you may be looking at him like some kind of pervert because he recorded himself being intimate with his Ex. OR he may be feeling like he's walking on eggshells around you, Maybe, in past experiences with women, he's used to women blowing up at him. Yelling and screaming and throwing stuff. So, he may be waiting for the other shoe to drop because he's not used to a young lady that handled a situation so well and kept her composure and handled a situation in a mature manner.

 

Actaully you pretty much nailed it. I spoke to him again yesterday. And he told me that he never had this situation happen to him before and he doesn't know how to act around me anymore. He says that he feels guilty and ashamed and that he feels like he's some sort of sexual deviant, which he's not because he wasn't in a relationship with me when he recorded that. So it wasn't like he was cheating on me or anything. He says he was wrong to have kept it in his computer (accidentally) but he shouldn't have felt guilty that he did what he did with his previous girlfriend, since I didn't exist to him back then. But yet, he did feel guilty and I think that's where he got mad at himself (and me I suppose). After I heard that I made it plenty clear that he should not be thinking like that.

 

As much as I tried to keep it civil and cool and calm as well as rational, unfortunately it did blow up and went way downhill from there. I won't go into the details but we've managed to kind of sort it out. I've made it clear to him what I need in these types of situations (comfort, not being aloof and mad) and I've also made it clear that he should not feel like he's a pervert. Unfortunately he also made it clear to me that someone (like me) who is insecure should not be in a relationship, and that I keep having expectations of him to do certain things (like comfort me). He is most likely right in that extent but bringing that up when I am already shaken after seeing that stuff did not really help the situation. In any case, he knew I felt bad and ended up comforting me in the end. I just hope that these issues do not end up staying in our relationship and driving a wedge between us.

[NoMagicBullet]

I hate to say it, but this was why I advised against bringing it up at all. It was an accident that you found the videos, and yes, it did make you feel insecure, but your bf wasn't purposely doing anything to make you feel insecure. Now it's out in the open, but nothing is better for it.

 

You still feel insecure (perhaps even moreso?) and your bf feels guilty and uncomfortable around you.

 

The issue here was always your insecurity, mavendark. You can't expect your bf to do whatever you think is going to make you feel secure every time you need reassurance on something. Your bf is a human being with his own feelings to attend to, and he'll never be able to meet all of your emotional needs all of the time. There will be many more times where he'll be moody and aloof. There will be many more times where you don't feel secure. For both of your sakes, I hope you can work through this and can start managing your feelings of insecurity without always turning to your bf.

[Ribbons Undone]

hi there!

was skipping through the posts, just wondering if he ended up deleting the pics and videos?

-ribbons undone

[Mr.White]

My post is irrelevant now.

 

I hope you two can work through this!

[KraftDinner]

The right guy will enjoy comforting you and not try to make you feel bad for having emotions.

[mavendark]

hi there!

was skipping through the posts, just wondering if he ended up deleting the pics and videos?

-ribbons undone

 

He promised me he would, but I don't think he has gotten to it yet. He definitely has a tendency to forget things (he'll say he'll fix something for me and never do it because he forgot). So I have to constantly remind him. I did remind him because it wasn't deleted by the end of the week, and he says he will do it when I'm not around because he says he feels weird to do it in front of me.

 

When I found pictures of him and his ex on his phone, he also said he'd delete it. It took him a while, and I didn't really remind him a lot, but a couple of months later, he had deleted it. So I do think he'll get around to doing it, just not immediately since I'm not around him all the time.