marie1990 Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 Back story... a few years ago my sister got an abortion because she had no way of taking care of a child and her boyfriend didn't want one at the time. Also, they were both addicted to some hardcore drugs at the time. Anyway, my mom was totally against it and said she would not help her get it done. So, my sister asked me for help. She had no way of getting to the place because her low life of a boyfriend didn't want to go. I decided that my sister really need someone she could count on to be by her side. She is my sister, my family, my blood and I love her very much and I would never have wanted her to go through anything like that alone. After it was all done, my mother took my sister in her arms and comforted her and told her everything will be fine. Well, my mother didn't talk to me for a couple days and when she did, she told me that she blames me. That if I wouldn't have taken her, she would've kept the baby. I didn't know what to say to that! Needless to say, I cried for a few days. Now here it is, 2 years later, and I thought everything was ok between my mom and I. Until last night, we were arguing over something my boyfriend had done, and she brings up the situation with my sister. She told me, " Well, at least I didn't help kill a baby! " And again, tears rolled out my eyes all night. So, I have not spoken to my mom yet. I still can't face her right now because I feel hurt. I don't understand why she is blaming me for my sisters choice. I am not for or against abortion. I would never do it, but there are some people out there that might not have a choice. If there is any advice someone can give me on how to talk to my mom about this, I would really appreciate it. Again, thanks for any advice anyone can give me.
darkmoon Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 (edited) Your mother doesn't sound easy to talk to. I'm proud to be the best sister that I can (off-line) no bond like it. What do you hope to acheive by talking to your mother? Your hope might not match hers, but I don't know what you hope to acheive atmo - what to you want from her? Edited January 9, 2013 by darkmoon
Author marie1990 Posted January 9, 2013 Author Posted January 9, 2013 I wish I could have a better relationship with her. She just came back into my life when I turned 19. So she has only been here for 3 years. But, I might just have to face the fact that we probly will never have a good mother-daughter relationship.
darkmoon Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 I wish I could have a better relationship with her. She just came back into my life when I turned 19. So she has only been here for 3 years. But, I might just have to face the fact that we probly will never have a good mother-daughter relationship. but your sister n you will always have each other, i had no kin for years (long story) so I know what i have now
Author marie1990 Posted January 9, 2013 Author Posted January 9, 2013 The only thing is, I dont get to see my sister as much as I used to. She is still with her boyfriend, let's just say me and him don't get along. But, she knows that I will always be here for her whenever she needs a shoulder to cry on or just needs a smile 1
Radu Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 Your mom sounds like a selfish person. And i think she viewed that child as a chance to a do-over [again about her; you did mention that she was out of your life]. The baby would have probably had some problems if your sister was on drugs; and by that i mean lifelong problems ... condemned to them [again, putting herself over the potential quality of life of that baby]. I also like her response 'At least i didn't kill a baby !'. Why was she out of your life again ?
Author marie1990 Posted January 9, 2013 Author Posted January 9, 2013 Your mom sounds like a selfish person. And i think she viewed that child as a chance to a do-over [again about her; you did mention that she was out of your life]. The baby would have probably had some problems if your sister was on drugs; and by that i mean lifelong problems ... condemned to them [again, putting herself over the potential quality of life of that baby]. I also like her response 'At least i didn't kill a baby !'. Why was she out of your life again ? She left when I was 8 years old because she was more focused on drugs and men. She came back after my grandmother (who raised me) past away. I am still holding a little grudge against her for not being there, that's why we always get into arguments a lot.
Author marie1990 Posted January 9, 2013 Author Posted January 9, 2013 She left when I was 8 years old because she was more focused on drugs and men. She came back after my grandmother (who raised me) past away. I am still holding a little grudge against her for not being there, that's why we always get into arguments a lot. Now she is back in my life and I feel like she is judging me because of the way I'm living my life. My bf and I live together and she always tells me that I'm living in sin. She stresses me out
darkmoon Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 for now, perhaps this reunion between you all has gone as far as it can she sounds like a difficult woman, who is re-living her past via your sister, possibly, it's a big shame, not all mothers are nice, yet some types just like making apple pies, i'm sorry for you, raw deal
Radu Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 Now she is back in my life and I feel like she is judging me because of the way I'm living my life. My bf and I live together and she always tells me that I'm living in sin. She stresses me out WoW, sorry to hear that. Feel free to not answer this one if it's too personal, but did she do drugs when she was pregnant with your sister ? I have a suspicion she was.
Author marie1990 Posted January 9, 2013 Author Posted January 9, 2013 WoW, sorry to hear that. Feel free to not answer this one if it's too personal, but did she do drugs when she was pregnant with your sister ? I have a suspicion she was. In not sure if she did drugs, but I know her husband did beat her and put her in the hospital a few times when she was pregnant with my sister. See, my mom has been through a lot in her life, and I get that she doesn't want her kids going through the stuff she did when she was our age. But im not a child anymore and I think in doing good for a girl my age. I dont have a child, I graduated school and vocational school, and I have a full time job. I don't do drugs either. So, when she judges me because me and my bf are living together, that just makes me mad cause there are so many things that she should be proud of me for. 2
SpiralOut Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 (edited) I feel sorry for your mother. You have been gracious enough to give her a chance to be part of your life again, which not every daughter would do. And this is how she chooses to act - judgemental, name-calling, childish. This is all about her and her problems. Maybe she needs more time to come to grips with her own life choices. I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. Edited January 10, 2013 by SpiralOut 1
NoMagicBullet Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 In not sure if she did drugs, but I know her husband did beat her and put her in the hospital a few times when she was pregnant with my sister. See, my mom has been through a lot in her life, and I get that she doesn't want her kids going through the stuff she did when she was our age. But im not a child anymore and I think in doing good for a girl my age. I dont have a child, I graduated school and vocational school, and I have a full time job. I don't do drugs either. So, when she judges me because me and my bf are living together, that just makes me mad cause there are so many things that she should be proud of me for. Exactly! There are lots of things she could be happy about for you and to be happy to be a part of your life again, but she's not. I agree with SpiralOut -- her judgement of you is about her and her issues. Some people will always look for something they can criticize about another person, no matter how small. Maybe because you have your life together much more than she ever did, she's jealous and wants to bring you down to make her feel better about herself. That would be petty, but people do things like that.
Author marie1990 Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 Exactly! There are lots of things she could be happy about for you and to be happy to be a part of your life again, but she's not. I agree with SpiralOut -- her judgement of you is about her and her issues. Some people will always look for something they can criticize about another person, no matter how small. Maybe because you have your life together much more than she ever did, she's jealous and wants to bring you down to make her feel better about herself. That would be petty, but people do things like that. I never thought that she could be jealous of my life, that thought never crossed my mind.
Author marie1990 Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 I feel sorry for your mother. You have been gracious enough to give her a chance to be part of your life again, which not every daughter would do. And this is how she chooses to act - judgemental, name-calling, childish. This is all about her and her problems. Maybe she needs more time to come to grips with her own life choices. I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. I feel sorry for her too, that might be the reason why I always try to have a relationship with her. But, even after all her judging ways and name calling, I feel like crap that I still haven't talked to her. A part of me feels like I should apologize for arguing with her, but then the other part if me is still hurt by what she said. I am just stressing myself out more about this whole situation and don't know what to do about it.
whichwayisup Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 Don't let your mom's issues and her emotional baggage be YOURS. You did good. You were there for your sister through a bad time. Your mom is being cruel. Look, it comes to this. Accept your mom for who she is..You don't need her approval - Live your life the way you want to! You are a well grounded person and a wonderful sister! Please remember that.
Author marie1990 Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 Don't let your mom's issues and her emotional baggage be YOURS. You did good. You were there for your sister through a bad time. Your mom is being cruel. Look, it comes to this. Accept your mom for who she is..You don't need her approval - Live your life the way you want to! You are a well grounded person and a wonderful sister! Please remember that. Thank you for the kind words and great advice, I really appreciate it
whichwayisup Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 Thank you for the kind words and great advice, I really appreciate it You're welcome. I've learned (and still learning) that you need to live life for yourself and not worry about what others (including mom!) think. It's easier said than done, but I've been really trying. My mom (just like yours) get no say in how you choose to live. you are happy with your boyfriend. So what, let her think you're living in sin..Make a joke about it to her! Laugh it off! I find this is what helps me when issues come up between my mom and I.
Author marie1990 Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 You're welcome. I've learned (and still learning) that you need to live life for yourself and not worry about what others (including mom!) think. It's easier said than done, but I've been really trying. My mom (just like yours) get no say in how you choose to live. you are happy with your boyfriend. So what, let her think you're living in sin..Make a joke about it to her! Laugh it off! I find this is what helps me when issues come up between my mom and I. I do need to learn how to live my life for myself and not worry about what others think. I'm young so it still might take me a while
Radu Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 I never thought that she could be jealous of my life, that thought never crossed my mind. This is actually a pretty strong possibility. It just occured to me, that your whole dynamic there is similar to that of bullying [a form of abuse]. She had it happen to her, she is doing it to you/your sister. Let's pretend there is no dilemma about life beginning at conception. What you did was a good thing, you spared an innocent life from growing up in hell and potentially screwed for life, while she put innocent lifes in hell. Major difference. 2
amaysngrace Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 Your mom sounds like a major hypocrite to me. She wants to tell you what to do with your life after she had little to do with raising you. It's not her place to say anything about your choices. She lost that right when she allowed you to be raised by someone else. 2
Author marie1990 Posted January 18, 2013 Author Posted January 18, 2013 i dont agree with abortion . but i dont judge her, i do think that you all could have help her take care of the child instead of all that drama. cause abortion is often a way of running from responsibility maybe you should have a calm talk about it with your mom, that you feel hurt when she say that I asked my sister, before she went through with the abortion, if she could have the baby and u would raise it as my own. But, she insisted to go through with it because her boyfriend wanted her to. The baby would've come been born with major problems or have been perfectly normal, either way I was ready to raise it. As for talking to my mom about the situation, I have tried to calmly talk to her about it. But I just get more upset everytime I think about it. Someday, my mom and I will be able to be to get over this dilema and move on with our lives, at least that is what I am trying to do with mine at the moment. Thanks for your advice juicez
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