affairs and self-esteem

[Lillyfree]

this has been on my mind last few days...

 

before i met OM i was quite self-assured, and didn't have too many hang-ups about myself (well, nothing out of the ordinary, there will always be little things that annoy you and you'd like to change).

 

once i met him, i started questioning a lot about myself. started wanting to change a lot, and not just regarding my appearance. i kept slipping lower and lower and my self-esteem was pretty much non-existent around the time i broke it off. i questioned a lot, my looks, way of thinking, hobbies...

 

it's been 8 weeks now, and i'm slowly getting back to normal.

 

the question i'm asking, i guess... is this something that usually happens in affairs? i never experienced this in normal relationships.

[neveragain34]

I think this is definitely normal! I know I had issues with self-esteem that probably led to the affair to begin with, but they are even worse now since I ended it and during it.

 

No one realizes it unless they've been in your shoes, but being in an A really takes a toll on you. With me, I was constantly trying to look good for him, comparing myself to his wife, trying to keep him happy. It's especially hard when they tell you that you make them happier than she ever did and they have never felt that way (all lies but you don't realize it till it's too late), so you feel pressure from within to keep up this wonderful image they have of you, but then you are beaten down when you realize nothing you are doing will ever be good enough and he is never leaving. And we go through all of this for what?? The bread crumbs of someone else. I will never understand why I tried so hard for something so little.

[Lillyfree]

you are beaten down when you realize nothing you are doing will ever be good enough and he is never leaving. And we go through all of this for what?? The bread crumbs of someone else. I will never understand why I tried so hard for something so little.

 

very well put.

 

i guess that's it - i got told i was brilliant, amazing, intelligent, funny, gorgeous... the only person that was making him happy. yet i remained the second choice. or not even a choice.

no wonder i was going crazy...

[stevie_23]

This is always hard. I have been the OW (online / text / long distance) for almost 2 years (he’s just recently ended it, a month ago, with no explanation and not even any discussion. Nothing at all), and MOSTLY he made my self esteem higher, because he was nothing less than 100% encouraging, supportive, loving, I knew he had his restrictions due to his wife and having hardly any space and time to himself sometimes, but within those restrictions, I knew he always tried and wanted to be with me. He would take risks sometimes, which worried me, he planned to leave his wife (he was unhappy there before he even met me and had been planning to leave at some stage in the future anyway), he felt we were true husband and wife and his real wife, he was married to in name only (he married her for financial and medical reasons. Long story. They weren’t married when we got together).

 

So everything he told me, showed me with his actions, and made me feel about myself was excellent. He made me feel so desired, wanted, loved, encouraged, supported…but deep down, of course I knew I was always going to be second in his life.

 

The way we felt about it though, it wasn’t too hard on my self esteem. He didn’t have that much of a choice (or any choice) but to stay with his wife. In brief, he got really sick, needed $20,000+ worth of medical treatment in hospital, he had no insurance and couldn’t afford it, his wife’s employer had insurance but he could only access it if they got married. She asked him to marry her the year before but he said no. Now he had no choice. They got married. We were still together. They were married for those reasons only and his feelings for her, and me, had not changed. Before this, he’d actively been aiming to leave her in the next 6 months and slowly proceed towards a real life with me. After he got sick, this kind of went out the window. Too many practicalities stood in our way.

 

• He needed to stay with her for future medical bills.
  
• He needed to stay with her so he’d have someone to care for him as he got older and possibly sicker (he’s 61 now. She’s 51. I’m 34).
  
• I don’t want to be a carer for him when I’m 40. I also don’t want to be a widow at 50.
  
• He lives half a world away and neither of us have much money.
  
• We need to meet in person at least ONCE to get a feel for how we’d be together in “real life”. Neither of us could pack up our lives unless this happens first.
  
• We would need to leave our respective partners if we were to visit each other. He can’t just fly around the world to meet me and still be married to his wife. And I can’t do that either.
  
• He has said he’d leave her and come to me in a heartbeat if I was single. I believed this for a long time. Not so sure now though.
  

So I sort of see it as…in this situation, I WAS number 1 as much as I COULD be, but in general, he had no choice but to make sure his domestic living situation and stability was protected, and if that meant losing me, after exhausting every possible avenue of maintaining communication with me safely, then it has to be that way.

 

I also see it as…we were both in love. We wanted to really be together. But there was just too much in our way, so it became impossible for us. No one’s fault. No one’s ideal choice. And that’s ok on my self esteem at the end of the day.

[Lillyfree]

there was definitely something broken inside me.

 

another realisation i've come across - the reason why i was so attracted to him was that he was so uncaring and seemed to subtly put me down at any opportunity. in my everyday life i'm the one who people listen to. i usually don't get anyone disagreeing with me. in the beginning i took this as him being able to challenge me, that i've finally found someone who can. but really he's just a narcissistic tosser.

 

blargh surely one day i'll be able to look back on all this and laugh

[loredo21]

I have a GREAT book recommendation! Nathaniel Branden- The Six Pillars of self-esteem. I greatly believe that after an affair your self-esteem can start to deteriorate. I mean, you go from everyday someone telling you how beautiful, wonderful, amazing, etc you are and then BAM! NC and it's done. It's only natural for the chemicals in your brain to go there.

[stevie_23]

Very true. You DO have someone (hopefully) telling you all those wonderful things about yourself. And when that stops, what are you left with? Either nothing, or you’re still with your existing “real life” partner who maybe years ago stopped noticing or appreciating you…it’s hard. It’s almost HARDER in fact to pick up the pieces and start to feel happy and desirable again when you’re with someone in a long term relationship than when you’re single because at least then you can take steps to somehow maybe “reinvent” yourself or find someone else…especially if you feel you’ve grown and changed a lot as a result of the now ended affair.

[Lillyfree]

thanks loredo

 

i will read the book, however i do believe i'm coming out at the other end of this. the self esteem took a beating during the affair, and shortly after. i'm slowly coming back to where i was before all that mess.

 

dunno. could also be that guilt and dissatisfaction with myself were what caused the low, not so much the way OM treated me.

[Catplates]

It's my belief that no matter how strong you are or what great self esteem you have, an affair of any length will knock the stuffing out of you.

 

You are immediately put into a position of being second best and frowned upon by society's standards.

 

It has nothing to do with how you look or how you dress. It will eventually make you feel trashy inside. You KNOW what you are doing is wrong. That's what will destroy your self esteem.

 

Cat.

[Lillyfree]

It’s almost HARDER in fact to pick up the pieces and start to feel happy and desirable again when you’re with someone in a long term relationship than when you’re single because at least then you can take steps to somehow maybe “reinvent” yourself or find someone else…especially if you feel you’ve grown and changed a lot as a result of the now ended affair.

 

that is an angle i haven't considered... yet. my next battle is to either heal my marriage or decide that it's time to move on. that's something i'm not ready to tackle yet.

[movingon45]

Very true. You DO have someone (hopefully) telling you all those wonderful things about yourself. And when that stops, what are you left with? Either nothing, or you’re still with your existing “real life” partner who maybe years ago stopped noticing or appreciating you…it’s hard. It’s almost HARDER in fact to pick up the pieces and start to feel happy and desirable again when you’re with someone in a long term relationship than when you’re single because at least then you can take steps to somehow maybe “reinvent” yourself or find someone else…especially if you feel you’ve grown and changed a lot as a result of the now ended affair.

 

Oh I could have written this. It's true! I didn't have any problem with self esteem before and then it just became better with someone telling you all those things. Oh what have I done? But no regrets because I finally found out for myself who he really is.

[waterwoman]

Not wishing to compare 'wounds' but as a BS I have no self-esteem left right now. It seems that there are no sh*t-free ends to this particular stick.

[Got it]

this has been on my mind last few days...

 

before i met OM i was quite self-assured, and didn't have too many hang-ups about myself (well, nothing out of the ordinary, there will always be little things that annoy you and you'd like to change).

 

once i met him, i started questioning a lot about myself. started wanting to change a lot, and not just regarding my appearance. i kept slipping lower and lower and my self-esteem was pretty much non-existent around the time i broke it off. i questioned a lot, my looks, way of thinking, hobbies...

 

it's been 8 weeks now, and i'm slowly getting back to normal.

 

the question i'm asking, i guess... is this something that usually happens in affairs? i never experienced this in normal relationships.

 

I can't speak for others but no I didn't have that experience. It wasn't that there were never bad times in the affair. I did find that time period to be a very humbling time but I also learned a great deal about myself. I came out of it with a better understanding of my needs, desires, expectations, and what I wanted out of a partner. Since my prior experience was my marriage, and I had been with him since we were young pretty much. I also really discovered my alone time and just being with myself. That was hard at first and I really chafed at it. I wasn't used to being alone. But there were some great lessons there and I realized how much I liked having my own time. This was compounded and enhanced later on during the LD relationship.

 

Why are you questioning yourself? Why are you dealing with lower self esteem?

 

Yes the break up was hard and it wasn't that I wasn't sad. But I knew how much I had to offer a partner, how much I had to give, and what I catch I was. If he didn't appreciate it then shame on him. When I started dating, whether or not I was a catch wasn't an issue, just trying to get over the prior relationship and comparisons to him.

[Got it]

Not wishing to compare 'wounds' but as a BS I have no self-esteem left right now. It seems that there are no sh*t-free ends to this particular stick.

 

((((((waterwoman))))))

[Got it]

I have a GREAT book recommendation! Nathaniel Branden- The Six Pillars of self-esteem. I greatly believe that after an affair your self-esteem can start to deteriorate. I mean, you go from everyday someone telling you how beautiful, wonderful, amazing, etc you are and then BAM! NC and it's done. It's only natural for the chemicals in your brain to go there.

 

Why is your self worth tied to someone else? Why does whether or not someone saying how great you are mean whether or not you feel you are?

 

I think this is something very interesting to deep dive for all your relationships. You are going to have times where the other person does always tell you how fantastic you are. But it shouldn't matter. What matters is how you feel about yourself.

 

I think working on your independence in your self identity and giving yourself the accolades you need is a good experience.

 

I don't see whether or not someone else is appreciating what I am, doing, being as a reflection of me. I see it as a reflection of them or just us not being a match. But I know, regardless of others, my strengths, my areas of opportunities, and what I contribute. I don't need to hear it through someone else to make it true.

[woinlove]

I do think affairs are tough on the self-esteem of anyone who values honesty and openness. Even if one is single and not directly lying, it is complex loving someone who you know is lying about the relationship you share. While questioning oneself can be painful and scary, I would try to learn and grow from it. I would worry more about those who felt their self-esteem was great while they were lying to their spouse or effectively encouraging the one they love to behave that way.

 

So, try to take a positive lesson from it all and realize that some of your bad feelings may be connected to the fact that you want better and you want a relationship that is not conceived in deceit. Affairs can also highlight feelings of competition and comparisons. Again, one can learn from all this and bring more wisdom, honesty and respect to the next relationship.

[cocorico]

I think how an A affects your self-esteem (or even if it does) depends on how you are treated in the A, and whether or not you embrace the outcome.

[woinlove]

I think how an A affects your self-esteem (or even if it does) depends on how you are treated in the A, and whether or not you embrace the outcome.

 

I think it is more than how one is treated. I think many are affected by how they treat others. At least, people who like to treat others well, will be affected by their own actions if they do not treat others well or if they encourage another to not treat others well. The journey of getting there can be just as important, even more important, than the outcome. What kind of person one was along the journey can affect one's self-esteem.

[Got it]

I also caution where everyone is in the journey is also a factor. Being in the middle of the break up right now or years after the fact can enhance or decrease the emotions tied to it, especially the negative ones (as humans tend to forget negative feelings faster).

[cocorico]

I think it is more than how one is treated. I think many are affected by how they treat others. At least, people who like to treat others well, will be affected by their own actions if they do not treat others well or if they encourage another to not treat others well. The journey of getting there can be just as important, even more important, than the outcome. What kind of person one was along the journey can affect one's self-esteem.

 

This is also true. If you conduct your A with respect, honesty and integrity, you are likely to feel better about it and yourself than if you treat your partner badly, bad mouth him (e.g. on LS), take him for granted or interfere in his R with his family, etc. if you are not living consistently with your values, you are likely to feel compromised and inauthentic.

[Catplates]

This is also true. If you conduct your A with respect, honesty and integrity, you are likely to feel better about it and yourself than if you treat your partner badly, bad mouth him (e.g. on LS), take him for granted or interfere in his R with his family, etc. if you are not living consistently with your values, you are likely to feel compromised and inauthentic.

 

How can one conduct an affair with respect honest and integrity? That is a total contradiciton. An A shows lack of honesty, respect or integrity.

 

How can it not interfere with other people on some level?

 

Cat

[Lillyfree]

I think it is more than how one is treated. I think many are affected by how they treat others. At least, people who like to treat others well, will be affected by their own actions if they do not treat others well or if they encourage another to not treat others well. The journey of getting there can be just as important, even more important, than the outcome. What kind of person one was along the journey can affect one's self-esteem.

 

while OM was complimenting me, obviously taking risks to be in contact with me... there were other things that he'd say that would make me think....'huh?'

 

like where he would comment on how he loves the fact summer's coming, as there are all these girls in revealing dresses. that one of his exes got in touch with him and he was talking to her at the same time as he was talking to me.

that there was an old flame who moved to where he was, who was 'elegant, knew a lot about wine, and a redhead'. that he wished he were single...

then he'd get all gushy with me again. complete mindf*ck.

 

his gf was sick a lot... so while she was resting, unwell - he would be talking to me. things like that made me feel sorry for her. made me feel guilty that i was a part of whatever f**kwitagge he was living.

yet i was so desperate to talk to him that i would, regardless of feeling like cr*p.

[pandorabox]

This is an amazing thread. I come from different forum but never seen that point of view yet.

Usually people choose to enter into an A as it boosts their ego, makes them feel happy, wanted, sexy etc

That's what my A is doing to me.

I really don't understand how could it put me down unless it would be planned exit A with no success?

[stevie_23]

I know what you mean, but the very fact that you ARE an A and NOT the primary partner can be quite hard on someone's self esteem.

 

You will NEVER be the priority as the OW. No matter how much he loves you and how devoted he is to you WITHIN that A. You are not as real to him as his other relationship, unfortunately.

 

If he tells you he plans to leave that relationship to be with you properly, then good for you and it DOES happen and I like to hear that it does happen because it makes me feel nice. Validated that my own recent ex was not just living in a fantasy about us ever being together.

 

But until he does that? You are still only the OW.

[woinlove]

This is also true. If you conduct your A with respect, honesty and integrity, you are likely to feel better about it and yourself than if you treat your partner badly, bad mouth him (e.g. on LS), take him for granted or interfere in his R with his family, etc. if you are not living consistently with your values, you are likely to feel compromised and inauthentic.

 

One typically doesn't use the terminology OW/OM/BS and A in cases where everything is honest and open and everyone is treated with respect. There may still be complex issues to deal with, as in an open M, but it is different than what this thread is about. The OP is talking about a secret A between otherwise committed people, and my response was meant to address that case.

 

Lilyfree, I don't remember how you are dealing with your M in the fallout of this A, but that could also give you an opportunity for healing and growth, depending on how you handle that. From LS, one often sees a lot of turmoil and low self-esteem by all parts of the triangle after an A, but how one deals with the turmoil can lead to healing with positive outcomes, even if the path getting there includes a lot of pain and hurt. The important thing is to start taking some steps toward the future you want.