affairs and self-esteem

[woinlove]

This is an amazing thread. I come from different forum but never seen that point of view yet.

Usually people choose to enter into an A as it boosts their ego, makes them feel happy, wanted, sexy etc

That's what my A is doing to me.

I really don't understand how could it put me down unless it would be planned exit A with no success?

 

Just read more of this forum. It is filled with hurt and pain and self-questioning. In many cases, this comes from the person wanting more than the A can give them, or from having the A end when they still want the connection to the AP. I think Lilyfree developed a strong emotional connection and both the loss of that and how it affects her M, as well as her view of herself, is taking a toll. Nothing unusual about that.

[woinlove]

while OM was complimenting me, obviously taking risks to be in contact with me... there were other things that he'd say that would make me think....'huh?'

 

like where he would comment on how he loves the fact summer's coming, as there are all these girls in revealing dresses. that one of his exes got in touch with him and he was talking to her at the same time as he was talking to me.

that there was an old flame who moved to where he was, who was 'elegant, knew a lot about wine, and a redhead'. that he wished he were single...

then he'd get all gushy with me again. complete mindf*ck.

 

his gf was sick a lot... so while she was resting, unwell - he would be talking to me. things like that made me feel sorry for her. made me feel guilty that i was a part of whatever f**kwitagge he was living.

yet i was so desperate to talk to him that i would, regardless of feeling like cr*p.

 

As for feeling desperate, affairs often have an addictive quality. In fact, it can be useful to think of them as an addiction in getting the A out of your head, so that you can spend you time living in the real moment, where happiness is.

 

Sounds like he was trying to raise jealousy, perhaps to get more of an ego boost from you. Affairs are often about getting one's own needs and often insecurities stroked. It is a rare case where true love can flourish and if it did, I think both parties would want to end the deception and bring things out in the open quickly. Maybe, lilyfree, there were some needs of your own you were trying to get met through this A and, if so, when you sort those out and find a constructive approach which doesn't involve a secret A, I think you could be happier.

[Got it]

I know what you mean, but the very fact that you ARE an A and NOT the primary partner can be quite hard on someone's self esteem.

 

You will NEVER be the priority as the OW. No matter how much he loves you and how devoted he is to you WITHIN that A. You are not as real to him as his other relationship, unfortunately.

 

If he tells you he plans to leave that relationship to be with you properly, then good for you and it DOES happen and I like to hear that it does happen because it makes me feel nice. Validated that my own recent ex was not just living in a fantasy about us ever being together.

 

But until he does that? You are still only the OW.

 

Please, I was most definitely a priority. I would not be in a relationship that I was not prioritized and I would definitely not been in an affair if I felt that way.

 

Every relationship has individuals with their own expectations and boundaries. It is up to you (universal you) to make sure you are getting what you need and expect, regardless of the dynamics.

[stevie_23]

Please, I was most definitely a priority. I would not be in a relationship that I was not prioritized and I would definitely not been in an affair if I felt that way.

 

Every relationship has individuals with their own expectations and boundaries. It is up to you (universal you) to make sure you are getting what you need and expect, regardless of the dynamics.

 

Oops. I honestly didn't mean to offend with what I said. It was actually something I had told to me by someone who has had a lot of experience with affairs (online and in person ones).

 

My relationship with my ex (online / long distance / married man / I am in a long term relationship also) didn't even feel like an affair, and I know I was his priority as much as he COULD, being already with someone else. That's all I meant. We were both each other's priorities, but when either of our "real lives" got in the way, if we had STILL made each other our absolute TOP priorities? We would've messed up our own lives' stability completely.

 

If when his wife found out about us for the third time, for instance, he'd continued to talk to me online the same as before, he'd have been out of that house, with no job, no money and nowhere to go (and no way of contacting me either, for that matter).

 

If it was my partner's birthday or her family are staying here, yes, I still stayed in contact with him as much as I could but if I couldn't without risking MY relationship, well...we had to take what we could get.

 

That's all I meant by my comment. I see it as two boxes in life. The survival box and the enjoyment / love box. The survival box represents their "real life", their marriage, their stability. They have no interest in this box apart from the fact they have to maintain its existence or they'll lose...whatever it is they will lose that they need to live. Their love or enjoyment box is the most important thing to them but only when their survival box's wellbeing is not directly threatened. Know what I mean? The love box (the affair / OW) is a luxury, the survival box (the daily life, wife, etc) is a necessity.

[MissBee]

Oops. I honestly didn't mean to offend with what I said. It was actually something I had told to me by someone who has had a lot of experience with affairs (online and in person ones).

 

My relationship with my ex (online / long distance / married man / I am in a long term relationship also) didn't even feel like an affair, and I know I was his priority as much as he COULD, being already with someone else. That's all I meant. We were both each other's priorities, but when either of our "real lives" got in the way, if we had STILL made each other our absolute TOP priorities? We would've messed up our own lives' stability completely.

If when his wife found out about us for the third time, for instance, he'd continued to talk to me online the same as before, he'd have been out of that house, with no job, no money and nowhere to go (and no way of contacting me either, for that matter).

If it was my partner's birthday or her family are staying here, yes, I still stayed in contact with him as much as I could but if I couldn't without risking MY relationship, well...we had to take what we could get.

That's all I meant by my comment. I see it as two boxes in life. The survival box and the enjoyment / love box. The survival box represents their "real life", their marriage, their stability. They have no interest in this box apart from the fact they have to maintain its existence or they'll lose...whatever it is they will lose that they need to live. Their love or enjoyment box is the most important thing to them but only when their survival box's wellbeing is not directly threatened. Know what I mean? The love box (the affair / OW) is a luxury, the survival box (the daily life, wife, etc) is a necessity.

 

This makes a lot of sense. It's well said/explained.

 

I felt that in my A and I think many do.

 

Different As have different dynamics. Certainly different factors may play in. In an A if you have no kids, or if the spouses do not live together all the time (in the case of overseas jobs and As etc) and so on and so forth, then APs can create more "normal" seeming relationships, but usually there is some caveat, which is why it is an A. Usually the A has to take place around another relationship and priorities and as you perfectly stated, so long as you felt it wasn't a risk to your other relationship/family/life, then you could do certain things.

 

You're right. And in the case of ddays, most will realize what is the need versus the luxury, as most MP will on instinct throw their APs under the bus as their "real life" hits and for many, while they may enjoy their APs, they are willing to lose what they had in the A before they lose their family/marriage.

 

My AP prioritized me as much as he could as well. Most times I didn't feel second class. But other times I did and those times cut deeply. And it's very different than when you're dating a single man and he has other things to tend to.When you KNOW the reason this person cannot be there is because of another relationship/life you're not a part of, for most that hurts and in most As, this is unavoidable.

 

I realized so long as no emergencies or important things were going on in my exAP's life, I could be a seeming priority, but if his real life needed tending to....then sorry, I'd need to take a back seat. I'm sure there may be someone to say otherwise and I'm sure it has happened, as I may have read on here that a MM was with the OW when his wife was giving birth....and frankly, I don't know how anyone can respect a man and call him their lover/boyfriend/anything if he impregnated someone and then is out and about as they are in labor SMH...but I digress. Point is, I'm sure there are cases where MM/MW, like that particular prince , have shirked responsibility to their spouse/family to be with their APs...but most often what I see happening is that the AP will often be the one put on the back burner if pressing family/relationship situations come calling. It doesn't even always have to be an emergency or pressing but for many it's a juggling act and I just think the luxury vs. necessity paradigm makes a lot of sense in how people approach As!

[Got it]

Oh stevie honey, you didn't offend me. No worries there.

[cocorico]

How can one conduct an affair with respect honest and integrity?

 

Living completely authentically and consistently with your values at all times.

 

Treating those you care about with love and respect at all times.

 

Being true to who you are.

 

Being honest, with yourself and appropriately with others.

 

Loving yourself, ensuring your own needs are not being compromised, accepting no less than you deserve, ensuring you are loved, respected, and treated as a priority with the levels of access you warrant.

 

Nurturing solid, caring Rs with appropriate others.

 

Adding more value to the world by your presence.

 

Etc.

[stevie_23]

This makes a lot of sense. It's well said/explained.

 

I felt that in my A and I think many do.

 

Different As have different dynamics. Certainly different factors may play in. In an A if you have no kids, or if the spouses do not live together all the time (in the case of overseas jobs and As etc) and so on and so forth, then APs can create more "normal" seeming relationships, but usually there is some caveat, which is why it is an A. Usually the A has to take place around another relationship and priorities and as you perfectly stated, so long as you felt it wasn't a risk to your other relationship/family/life, then you could do certain things.

 

You're right. And in the case of ddays, most will realize what is the need versus the luxury, as most MP will on instinct throw their APs under the bus as their "real life" hits and for many, while they may enjoy their APs, they are willing to lose what they had in the A before they lose their family/marriage.

 

My AP prioritized me as much as he could as well. Most times I didn't feel second class. But other times I did and those times cut deeply. And it's very different than when you're dating a single man and he has other things to tend to.When you KNOW the reason this person cannot be there is because of another relationship/life you're not a part of, for most that hurts and in most As, this is unavoidable.

 

I realized so long as no emergencies or important things were going on in my exAP's life, I could be a seeming priority, but if his real life needed tending to....then sorry, I'd need to take a back seat. I'm sure there may be someone to say otherwise and I'm sure it has happened, as I may have read on here that a MM was with the OW when his wife was giving birth....and frankly, I don't know how anyone can respect a man and call him their lover/boyfriend/anything if he impregnated someone and then is out and about as they are in labor SMH...but I digress. Point is, I'm sure there are cases where MM/MW, like that particular prince , have shirked responsibility to their spouse/family to be with their APs...but most often what I see happening is that the AP will often be the one put on the back burner if pressing family/relationship situations come calling. It doesn't even always have to be an emergency or pressing but for many it's a juggling act and I just think the luxury vs. necessity paradigm makes a lot of sense in how people approach As!

 

In the case of my A, my ex would have left his marriage in a heartbeat if I was single. But I wasn’t. So he stayed. It was a bit of a vicious cycle. I’d feel resentful and hurt when he couldn’t be with me because she was around (and it wasn’t even that he was WITH her. She was just THERE so he couldn’t risk talking to me), and I’d in turn blame him for not loving me enough to make the effort to move out of the house so we could be together more. He wanted to do this, but had no money to ensure his stability and security at the time (hideously ironically, NOW he does *groan*)

 

I usually chose to ignore the fact the real reason he didn’t move out and be alone and then come here to me because I wasn’t available for him yet.

 

I think I was very greedy for his time and very spoilt as well. I accepted he had this other relationship, but they hardly spent any time together and he liked it that way. As I said, the only times we couldn’t be together was when his wife was around. Like he’d be in his music studio alone (as always) and she’d come in every now and then to say something and then leave again, but other times she’d just stay in there, talking about her work and stuff. He used to get frustrated at that. All he wanted to do was text me and his phone was hidden under his cushion, but he couldn’t cause she was there.

 

So I never had to deal with the hard realisation that he actually would WANT to spend time with her over me, or CHOOSE to be with her and not me instead. Not sure how I’d have dealt with that. I was also spoilt because although I too have a real life relationship, I get a LOT of free time and private space so it was hardly ever a struggle to be with him, whereas for him, he never had much space. He tried hard. That felt good. Then he stopped.

 

Yeah.

[Lillyfree]

Lilyfree, I don't remember how you are dealing with your M in the fallout of this A, but that could also give you an opportunity for healing and growth, depending on how you handle that. From LS, one often sees a lot of turmoil and low self-esteem by all parts of the triangle after an A, but how one deals with the turmoil can lead to healing with positive outcomes, even if the path getting there includes a lot of pain and hurt. The important thing is to start taking some steps toward the future you want.

 

i have told my H. i've requested that we see a MC.

 

what happened was a wakeup call, and am treating what happened as a positive thing - what will actually happen with my M is still up there. But at least i'm not hiding from the problems and finding distractions...

it made me realise what i wanted from a relationship, and that i wasn't happy with the way things were.

 

I think Lilyfree developed a strong emotional connection and both the loss of that and how it affects her M, as well as her view of herself, is taking a toll. Nothing unusual about that.

 

it's true that there was a strong connection. and not just from my end.

 

However, i know it was an escape. i've never talked about the future with OM. he was dropping hints and mentioning things, but i knew it was just fantasies and that we couldn't really go overseas and start a new life and that he won't show up at my door and take me away

i didn't dismiss his little dreams, but didn't reciprocate either. there were times when i wished it could happen though.

 

what stings is that after a lot of analysing and reading other people's stories on LS, it hit me what it really was - that he just wanted some strange. and that i subconsciously knew it during the A, just wasn't willing to admit it to myself.

so yeah. hurt feelings, bruised ego - but at least i can say i do have some self-respect left as i didn't let it go any further.

OM has probably moved by now, or is in the process of. if i didn't do what i did a couple of months ago i would be in a mother of all messes at the moment. and my story could have been a whole lot different...