really long vent.. i apologize in advance!!

[kandygurl22]

I’ve been on/off with my MM for a year now, he's 35 and I'm 25. Things were fine the first 5 months or so, still passionate and we saw each other all the time, and I always tried to put aside the usual MM issues I had… until I went overseas for about two months alone (where I had the time of my life, met so many people (going out with single guys included – because MM didn’t even give me a straight answer when I asked about our relationship status before I left so I told him I left assuming I was single) and during this time, I really felt free from this secret relationship, and had no desire to contact him as much however during this time he went insane and was calling me and texting 20 times a day and suddenly making a HUGE effort to communicate with me, exclaiming that I was suddenly officially his girlfriend, we were going to be together forever… once he sorted his situation out.

 

Long story short, typical story anyway, married 6 years but says he was never really in love with her he was pressured by the families, can’t leave for the kids just yet but they’re separated and she wants him out but finances are tough yada yada yada. He loves me more than anything apparently. Whatever.

 

So since this holiday, I was wanting to end this A when I got back but MM talked me back into it, and things have been **** since then. He became more unreliable than ever, only saw each other twice a week, to the point that I went NC for a month before he came back professing his undying love, crying like a baby the whole nine yards, and we were back on again.

 

No surprise there, he went back to how he was not long after… so now we’re at the point where over the last month or so, he’s been super busy at work and working crazy hours (this I know is true cause I know people at his office), his young daughter has gotten really sick, a death in the family, his mother is depressed by this, his wife is sick and always busy getting tests done and he’s apparently flat out with all this while taking care of his young son AND recovering from his pneumonia. Blah blah blah. So I haven’t seen him for a month, and I haven’t really heard from him in about 10 days after he said he needs some time to deal with everything. But you would think that if you were having such a hard time, you would look to the people you supposedly love for some support, right? He did text the other day asking me to meet him and I said no and he sends me these essay sized texts about what was happening and how he's so sorry and understands where I'm coming from being upset with him but he's still wrapped up in this drama and wants to explain it to me one day when it's all calmed down. WTF? It's been 5 days since then now and I haven't heard from him again.

I was incredibly supportive every time a drama happens to him, but they seem like they get more frequent and much worse every time. I have supported him with the death in the family and upset to hear about his daughter, but I feel like these are all exaggerated as well, I don't know anymore when he's being genuine cause EVERYTHING seems like it's always hectic, so who even knows anymore?

 

Now my question is, WHY do I stay around? Last time I saw him, I was literally not even having a good time, yes the sex was good, but all through dinner and when we went to hang out at a bar, I was bored. I was not interested in his rambling about work and all that… I used to be excited to talk to him about anything so I know I’ve lost interest in HIM in a way but what keeps me still wanting to hear from him?

 

Why are these ‘relationships’ so addictive and hard to get out of? I KNOW all of his bad traits, yet I can’t seem to let myself hate him.

 

What’s weirder is, I started casually dating again over the last few weeks, but I have no real interest in these guys more than a friend no matter how sweet they are to me! MM made me forget how I deserve to be treated, and instead I settled for a big pile of **** for the last year and lapped it up like I was lucky to even get that.

 

I'm trying to move on with my life and keep MM out of my head during this period where I am not talking to him, but he is invading my thoughts, I’m even dreaming about him. It’s annoying me. I don't want to get back with him this time. But why can’t I totally let it go when I know he’s not even who I’d want to make a life with even if he did sort his situation out? And I’ve known this for a while now so not hearing from him now isn’t tearing me apart like it would have a few months ago! I’ve gotten over more significant relationships than this a lot easier. So why can’t he just f**k off out of my thoughts!!! I’m angry that after a year he’s just gone and it’s so easy for him to randomly go NC and come back when he feels like it and acts like I’m not important after he begged his way back into my life promising he would change, just to go and get even worse so soon after these stupid promises. I feel dumb for giving him another chance in the first place. He knew I was going through therapy lately for all the crazy anxiety his bull**** has caused me and is cold enough to pull this crap on me even more.

 

Is it juvenile to bother going and telling his wife so he can go and lie in the bed that he made for himself? She wants his sorry ass to leave the house as well but he seems happy to ruin everyone’s life if it means he’s comfortable. He shouldn’t be allowed to just go in and mess with everyone and get away with it!

 

I’m sorry for the rant. But I just can’t stop thinking about it, why he would promise me all these things which he never meant… which is turning everything into intense anger.

:mad:

Edited January 9, 2013 by kandygurl22

[skweezd]

I know it's not easy. I just ended a 6 month affair/non-affair. Long story short, I also had the same anxiety and still do. My thoughts had become obsessions. I wasn't getting what I needed from the relationship so basically it made me crazy. Walking away is the best thing I could have done. The anxiety will go away. Talk to your doctor and get some medicine to help you relax and/or sleep. Use it as a crutch to help you over the temporary hump. It will get better. Remember, he didn't value you. You deserve a real life with someone who can give it to you, love you, respect you, and freaking adore you. I do a lot of running to clear my head. Other people volunteer, or work extra, or whatever you need to do to keep busy. Good luck and don't go back to the head games. Life is tough enough without that stress.

[kandygurl22]

Thank you for your response.

Yeah, I don't quite understand why these relationships are so hard to let go even though we all know that they are completely toxic and end up driving us crazy. I really felt like a crazy person with the obsessive thoughts too, and now with more time going past I feel as if a weight is slowing getting lifted off my shoulders.

 

You are spot on with saying he didn't value me. I really need to remember this whenever I feel like I miss that douchebag. We deserve so much better!