Will i know after I confess?

[HowWillIKnow]

Hello.

 

I have been reading a few threads about coming clean and I am thinking to do this in my marriage (tell my wife) after a 2.5 year affair that ended (NC) 2 months ago. It feels like i cant move forward without fully honesty. However I don't know if staying is what I want? I don't feel the connection and I am afraid to confess before I know I want it, but I don't know if more time of deception will ever answer that for me.

 

How does it change when you tell? Did anyone feel this way and then it became clear??? I need help figuring out what to do.

 

P

[waterwoman]

Did you feel the connection with her before the affair? Or was it missing then? If it was there it should be possible to get it back.

 

Telling her would certainly force you to focus on her and your relationship. What the outcome will be no-one can say but at least you and she will be on an even playing field and can both make decisions with all the facts. But it won't be easy and it won't be pretty.

[Mr. Lucky]

However I don't know if staying is what I want? I don't feel the connection and I am afraid to confess before I know I want it, but I don't know if more time of deception will ever answer that for me.

Would you be leaving with any intention of pursuing your OW?

 

Mr. Lucky

[HowWillIKnow]

Would you be leaving with any intention of pursuing your OW?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Yes but it is not sure for me or for her. We have held our no contact for 2 months so I don't know what are her thoughts. What we had felt deeper than with my wife so I wonder if we were not meant to be or if it was just a dream with my OW.

[BetrayedH]

It is common for you to "rewrite your marital history" to help yourself internally justify your actions. The grass isn't greener on the other side; it's greener where you water it.

 

Yes, disclosure will help you in firming up a decision. While you feel you have been NC for 2 months, the fact is that your OW is still taking up your headspace. You are continuing to look at your AP as if it is an option. Eliminate this "option" in your mind. If you want your M, you're going to have to fight for it. Eliminate the ridiculous fantasy option you are keeping in your mind. Recommit to your M and I believe once you see how much you will have to commit to make your M last, there will be no time or place for your OW to occupy your head. You will have to be in the M with both feet or not at all. You cannot reconcile your M with this huge lie between the two of you. And regardless, she deserves all of the facts so that she can make an informed decision about her own life. By the way, you double your chances of reconciling when you voluntarily disclose as opposed to being discovered. No matter how you slice it, disclosure really is the right thing to do.

[HowWillIKnow]

She is taking up all of my headspace yes.

 

I am afraid to tell my W before I know what I want. It will break her even more to say I don't know. It is true that I would not be so conflicted if not for my thoughts of the ow, but I ask myself if that is just my fear to be alone or to start over too. Thank you so much for your helping comments.

 

P

[BetrayedH]

May I ask, what do you consider your options?

 

I also think fence-sitting will be particularly harmful. More importantly, reconciliation takes an immense amount of work over 2-5 years. It can't be done via guilt and obligation. You have to be all in.

 

Were there marital dealbreakers? Or is this a "grass is greener" situation?

[HowWillIKnow]

You are right Alice. But I think she will want to try. I feel the commitment I show in the immediate aftermath is important, and this is why I want to be sure. But after what I have done it is not all up to me.

[underwater2010]

Well, one change might be that she will make the decision for you. She might just tell you to get the heck out. Another change might be that you realize you truly love her when she breaks down and is devistated.

 

But the biggest change will be the guilt of the secret will be lifted, only to be replaced by guilt over the devistation you have brought to her.

 

Either way you need to tell her. She deserves at least some honesty in her life.

 

And just in case you think you can hide it forever. My FWH's affair ended almost a year prior to me finding out.

[HowWillIKnow]

Thank you everyone for the tough love.

 

I know I need to tell. Waterwoman asks if I had a connection before. Yes, there was something, but it feels thin, I don't know we were truly "best friends". Maybe this is the rewriting that betrayedh speaks of. I feel my wife and I are different people but we get along ok, there is no "deal breakers" other than I feel it has always been superficial, but I only now recognize that. Maybe why it was easy to maintain the A so long.

 

When I tell there will be guilt from me and anger and confusion from her. I will want to comfort her because I care. What I want is to be honest and I know that it will hurt. I can't change what I did but I can try and sort out myself so I can focus on her when the bomb drops.

[HowWillIKnow]

May I ask, what do you consider your options?

 

I also think fence-sitting will be particularly harmful. More importantly, reconciliation takes an immense amount of work over 2-5 years. It can't be done via guilt and obligation. You have to be all in.

 

Were there marital dealbreakers? Or is this a "grass is greener" situation?

 

- confess and tell her I don't know what I want

- confess and suggest time apart to figure out

- find a way to commit myself, then confess ready to do what it takes

 

I prefer the last but I want to do it from my heart, not obligation or fear

 

I know I need to shake the OW from my mind but it has been hard. Grass is greener you can call it, I think. But very different types of grass. I am committed and obligated to one, trying to find a way to truly believe it is what I want too.

[woinlove]

- confess and tell her I don't know what I want

- confess and suggest time apart to figure out

- find a way to commit myself, then confess ready to do what it takes

 

I prefer the last but I want to do it from my heart, not obligation or fear

 

I know I need to shake the OW from my mind but it has been hard. Grass is greener you can call it, I think. But very different types of grass. I am committed and obligated to one, trying to find a way to truly believe it is what I want too.

 

Some people don't know what they want until they are on the verge of losing it. You don't really know how you or your W will react with the truth out. You think she will still want you. Maybe. Maybe initially, but not later. You think you will feel the same as you do right now, conflicted, if you tell the truth now. Maybe you will, maybe you won't. Personally, I would always choose the truth sooner rather than later. Depends how much of your life you want to spend like this, being deceitful, making your W live a lie of your own making, and feeling like you do.

 

You say you don't feel very good, but it seems you want to continue on the path you are on for a while longer. When you are tired of being who you are right now, then you may be ready to face the consequences of your actions, whatever those may be.

 

You always have choices and you are choosing to be right where you are right now. Your choice, so either enjoy it or make a different choice.

Edited January 9, 2013 by woinlove

[jwi71]

If you are thinking on leaving her... then don't tell her... just leave her and save her the pain to know you also have betrayed her.

If you are thinking on staying then she deserves to know, she also then have to take her own decision on staying or not.

 

This.

 

If you have decided to leave and you are certain of it then telling is only cruel.

 

However, if you decide to stay or if you wish to try then you MUST tell.

 

You cannot rebuild an M or the intimacy required with this lie of omission between. It will always act as an impenetrable barrier which prevents the level of openness and honesty required in a healthy M. You cannot build a good M on a bad foundation.

 

And therein lies the conundrum: do I tell if truly don't know.

 

The answer, for me, is clear. For you - you need to tell as you have indicated a willingness to try and reconnect. Had you no desire to do so I would counsel to just leave.

 

So IC for you and MC for you and your W.

 

And when your MC asks if either is having an A - you say yes.

Edited January 9, 2013 by jwi71

[Snowflower]

This.

 

If you have decided to leave and you are certain of it then telling is only cruel.

 

 

There is a recent thread over in the divorce/separation subforum by a spouse who is trying to figure out exactly why his wife left him. He has come to suspect that she was playing around. I would link the thread but I'm not sure I'm supposed to. It might be worth a look though.

 

My H kind of tried to do this for awhile. During his affair, he thought he wanted to leave our marriage and thought that telling me the about his affair would only hurt me more.

 

Meanwhile, I was tying myself into knots like a pretzel trying to improve myself and our marriage. I was seriously going insane and was so confused as to why he had suddenly changed his mind about everything. Nothing I did was ever good enough or if it did seem to work, it would only work for a day or so then he would go back to the divorce talk again.

 

It was almost worse than finding out about his affair.

 

Tell her. It will hurt her, yes. But she will likely feel an odd sense of relief that it wasn't her shortcomings that did your marriage in.

 

She is not stupid and will know something is up when you tell her you want a divorce/separation. Rip the bandaid off, tell her the whole thing and then see where you and she go from there.

[jwi71]

There is a recent thread over in the divorce/separation subforum by a spouse who is trying to figure out exactly why his wife left him. He has come to suspect that she was playing around. I would link the thread but I'm not sure I'm supposed to. It might be worth a look though.

 

My H kind of tried to do this for awhile. During his affair, he thought he wanted to leave our marriage and thought that telling me the about his affair would only hurt me more.

 

Meanwhile, I was tying myself into knots like a pretzel trying to improve myself and our marriage. I was seriously going insane and was so confused as to why he had suddenly changed his mind about everything. Nothing I did was ever good enough or if it did seem to work, it would only work for a day or so then he would go back to the divorce talk again.

 

It was almost worse than finding out about his affair.

 

Tell her. It will hurt her, yes. But she will likely feel an odd sense of relief that it wasn't her shortcomings that did your marriage in.

 

She is not stupid and will know something is up when you tell her you want a divorce/separation. Rip the bandaid off, tell her the whole thing and then see where you and she go from there.

 

These are all very valid points and I'll not disagree.

 

The crux, for me, is I cannot know or predict his W's response to his leaving under false pretense (not divulging the A) or telling the truth as to why he leaves.

 

My advice would be to his W and the thread you mention: it doesn't matter WHY ultimately - I'll leave it there so as to not TJ.

 

Just wanted to reply that I do understand what you are saying Snow

[BetrayedH]

- confess and tell her I don't know what I want

- confess and suggest time apart to figure out

- find a way to commit myself, then confess ready to do what it takes

 

I prefer the last but I want to do it from my heart, not obligation or fear

 

I know I need to shake the OW from my mind but it has been hard. Grass is greener you can call it, I think. But very different types of grass. I am committed and obligated to one, trying to find a way to truly believe it is what I want too.

 

Hmm. I guess what I was asking also has to do with the OW. Do you see a potential life with her? The reason that I ask is that an affair is typically a fantasy world. It is all sunshine and sunflowers. You have no shared responsibilities, no nagging, etc.. You only show each other your best sides. You have uninhibited sex, throwing caution to the wind because hell, it's only temporary. There's no laundry, no kid-pickup, nothing but a fantastic ego boost. It's like being on a honeymoon, replete with hotel stays. This is called the affair dynamic and it is dramatically different from real life. In any kind of comparision, your wife can't possibly compete.

 

I guess my point is that you need to start looking at the option of staying with your AP more realistically. It isn't going to stay sunshine and sunflowers. She has a bad side. Her willigness to participate in this type of behavior should be an early clue for you. If she will cheat with you, she will cheat on you. not such a great foundation. As a matter of fact, in the cold light of day, a relationship with your AP can be a complete nightmare. Will you throw away a real-life woman that is committed to you for life for a fantasy affair bubble that would likely burst?

[Decorative]

- confess and tell her I don't know what I want

- confess and suggest time apart to figure out

- find a way to commit myself, then confess ready to do what it takes

 

I prefer the last but I want to do it from my heart, not obligation or fear

 

I know I need to shake the OW from my mind but it has been hard. Grass is greener you can call it, I think. But very different types of grass. I am committed and obligated to one, trying to find a way to truly believe it is what I want too.

 

There is a recent thread over in the divorce/separation subforum by a spouse who is trying to figure out exactly why his wife left him. He has come to suspect that she was playing around. I would link the thread but I'm not sure I'm supposed to. It might be worth a look though.

 

My H kind of tried to do this for awhile. During his affair, he thought he wanted to leave our marriage and thought that telling me the about his affair would only hurt me more.

 

Meanwhile, I was tying myself into knots like a pretzel trying to improve myself and our marriage. I was seriously going insane and was so confused as to why he had suddenly changed his mind about everything. Nothing I did was ever good enough or if it did seem to work, it would only work for a day or so then he would go back to the divorce talk again.

 

It was almost worse than finding out about his affair.

 

Tell her. It will hurt her, yes. But she will likely feel an odd sense of relief that it wasn't her shortcomings that did your marriage in.

 

She is not stupid and will know something is up when you tell her you want a divorce/separation. Rip the bandaid off, tell her the whole thing and then see where you and she go from there.

 

Word for word. Word for word. Well stated.

[HowWillIKnow]

Hmm. I guess what I was asking also has to do with the OW. Do you see a potential life with her? The reason that I ask is that an affair is typically a fantasy world. It is all sunshine and sunflowers. You have no shared responsibilities, no nagging, etc.. You only show each other your best sides. You have uninhibited sex, throwing caution to the wind because hell, it's only temporary. There's no laundry, no kid-pickup, nothing but a fantastic ego boost. It's like being on a honeymoon, replete with hotel stays. This is called the affair dynamic and it is dramatically different from real life. In any kind of comparision, your wife can't possibly compete.

 

I guess my point is that you need to start looking at the option of staying with your AP more realistically. It isn't going to stay sunshine and sunflowers. She has a bad side. Her willigness to participate in this type of behavior should be an early clue for you. If she will cheat with you, she will cheat on you. not such a great foundation. As a matter of fact, in the cold light of day, a relationship with your AP can be a complete nightmare. Will you throw away a real-life woman that is committed to you for life for a fantasy affair bubble that would likely burst?

 

I do but i also worry that it might be the fantasy. She might have moved on herself, it has been very hard for us both in the last months. I think i just need to tell it all to my wife and see where we both wan to take it from there. At least we will both be starting from the truth

[Snowflower]

I do but i also worry that it might be the fantasy. She might have moved on herself, it has been very hard for us both in the last months. I think i just need to tell it all to my wife and see where we both wan to take it from there. At least we will both be starting from the truth

 

I'm coming at this as a fBW whose husband confessed to his A--so sort of like your situation.

 

You haven't posted a lot about your marriage but your wife probably knows something is really wrong. Affairs drain energy from a marriage and she has to feel this. There was a really good post about this yesterday in the other forum which I wish I could repost here but can't.

 

Anyway, when you do confess it to your wife, make it clear in a kind way that you are not sure about the future of your marriage with her. Some BS will take the confession as a sign that their WS wants to save the marriage.

 

That is not always true as you seem to be indicating. Since you are not sure, then lay all the cards on the table and let her know that. Do not give her any false hope at this early stage if you are not at all sure.

[BetrayedH]

Coming in as an OW for 4 1/2 years this is totally wrong. It is not a fantasy at all' date=' in fact this is the BSs point of view (fantasy view) of an affair. I would never have another affair, it is the only one I ever had. It has taken some incredible pressure and hurdles for us to even be still together. I think that true love conquers all. You stay in your comfort zone and you will never know. You have to jump into the dark sometimes in life. In my mind you did that already by having an affair.[/quote']

 

Not meant to be argumentative...

 

Have the two of you taken your relationship into the light of day?

[cocorico]

Not meant to be argumentative...

 

Have the two of you taken your relationship into the light of day?

 

We have.

 

And while for me, I'd say both were equal in the difficulty stakes, for my fAP things were definitely harder during the A than since we "took the R into the light of day". The "affair bubble" is a BS myth in the majority of As.

 

But to return to the topic - I understand your dilemma, HWIK. My H faced the same predicament about telling his xW about the A. He wanted to be sure of what he should do (not, what he wanted to do, he was clear on that, but there were kids involved and he wanted to be sure he was doing what was best for all.) before telling her, so that he could tell her rather than just dropping the bombshell about the A and leaving it at that.

 

Ultimately though, you need to do what you can live with. If you do not tell her, can you make a proper decision in your tortured state of mind? If you do tell her, and as you say focus on her rather than your own issues, will you feel you have made a decision you can live with, or will you feel caught up by events and no longer in a position to make a decision? Will you feel better about your decision if you do tell, or of you don't?

[BetrayedH]

The fact remains that most affairs don't survive exposure to the light of day. Statistically, odds are about 3% regardless of your anecdotal report of a success. The question becomes whether the OP wants to throw a real-life marriage that has only recently appeared blah for the slim chances of a real-life success story with his AP. Considering that they are NC, he should look realistically at real-life options rather than opining over some fantasy that's likely to never amount to any more than just that.

[cocorico]

The fact remains that most affairs don't survive exposure to the light of day. Statistically, odds are about 3% regardless of your anecdotal report of a success. The question becomes whether the OP wants to throw a real-life marriage that has only recently appeared blah for the slim chances of a real-life success story with his AP. Considering that they are NC, he should look realistically at real-life options rather than opining over some fantasy that's likely to never amount to any more than just that.

 

I'm not suggesting he throw away his M or that his A has a chance as a FTR - or not. I don't have enough information to know one way or another. That is a decision HWIK needs to make for himself, in full consideration of all of the facts. I have no dog in that race. My only concern is that if he is going to make as important a choice as whether to stay and invest in his M, or leave his M (whether for the OW or not), he make it under the conditions most likely to yield a sustainable choice that he is happy with and can live with in the long run.

 

TBH I don't know whether that is best made within the confines of his head, before telling his BW about the A, or together with his BW, having told her. There are upsides and downsides to both, as I intimated, and risks and benefits both ways. HWIK needs to weigh those up (and any other relevant factors) before opting for whichever path to decision he takes. It's not an easy choice, many WS take months frozen in emotional paralysis trying to decide path would lead to a better decision. He needs to be comfortable with the path he chooses or he will be left doubting his decision and may not invest in it fully - whether he lands up,staying or going.

[BetrayedH]

Brief exerpt from an article at survivinginfidelity.com

 

"A lesser-known fact is that those who divorce very rarely marry the person with whom they are having the affair. A survey of 4,100 people showed that only 3% who divorced their spouse later married their affair partners. Even further, the divorce rate among those who married their affair partners was over 75 percent; reasons for that high divorce rate include intervention of reality, guilt, expectations, and a general foundation of distrust in the marriage - not necessarily the incidence of another affair.

 

The lowest rate of divorce in married couples, logically enough, are those couples who report no incidence of affairs - either over the Internet or in real life."

 

3% marry their AP and 75% of them subsequently divorce. Something to consider.

[BetrayedH]

I'm not suggesting he throw away his M or that his A has a chance as a FTR - or not. I don't have enough information to know one way or another. That is a decision HWIK needs to make for himself, in full consideration of all of the facts. I have no dog in that race. My only concern is that if he is going to make as important a choice as whether to stay and invest in his M, or leave his M (whether for the OW or not), he make it under the conditions most likely to yield a sustainable choice that he is happy with and can live with in the long run.

 

TBH I don't know whether that is best made within the confines of his head, before telling his BW about the A, or together with his BW, having told her. There are upsides and downsides to both, as I intimated, and risks and benefits both ways. HWIK needs to weigh those up (and any other relevant factors) before opting for whichever path to decision he takes. It's not an easy choice, many WS take months frozen in emotional paralysis trying to decide path would lead to a better decision. He needs to be comfortable with the path he chooses or he will be left doubting his decision and may not invest in it fully - whether he lands up,staying or going.

 

Good post. I also think he should very carefully consider his choice and I agree that we can't make it for him. He has to be able to live with whatever it is, that's for sure. I certainly lean towards recommitting to his marriage (by default, I believe people should keep their commitments) and that's why I also inquired about any marital dealbreakers.