Furious Posted January 9, 2013 Share Posted January 9, 2013 Hello. I have been reading a few threads about coming clean and I am thinking to do this in my marriage (tell my wife) after a 2.5 year affair that ended (NC) 2 months ago. It feels like i cant move forward without fully honesty. However I don't know if staying is what I want? I don't feel the connection and I am afraid to confess before I know I want it, but I don't know if more time of deception will ever answer that for me. How does it change when you tell? Did anyone feel this way and then it became clear??? I need help figuring out what to do. P I get the impression you've been given an ultimatum by the OW. If so, it seems you're frozen and sitting on the stay or go fence. Of course you feel you've lost the connection to your wife if you been in an affair for over 2 and a half years. Your energy has been spent feeding the affair and starving your marriage. What are you afraid of, do you really want a divorce or are you being pressured to get a divorce? Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 Not meant to be argumentative... Have the two of you taken your relationship into the light of day? No they have not. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 # Don' t really understand the question - we go out, we go locally, he parks outside my house EVERY DAY, I told his wife about us, friends and people living near know about us, so what do you mean. and bent when have you been able to answer for me??? Get off my back, you are like a dog with a bone. :confused:I dont' know why you would think someone is on your back....and you have absolutely no idea how tenacious I can be:cool:. I don't recall seeing he left his wife and publically declared his undying love for you....If I did I apologize. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 She is taking up all of my headspace yes. I am afraid to tell my W before I know what I want. It will break her even more to say I don't know. It is true that I would not be so conflicted if not for my thoughts of the ow, but I ask myself if that is just my fear to be alone or to start over too. Thank you so much for your helping comments. P But at least it's honest? I'd rather know than not know, even if it hurts..The truth is the way to go, plus at the end of the day, she'll respect you for coming clean and owning your selfish mistakes. Right now you're sitting on the fence. One foot out the door. TELL your wife. Together you two can work it out by doing counseling or divorce. You having all the cards isn't fair. Also, seeing her reaction, how you turned her world upside down by cheating, may make you realize how much she loved you all along and it'll get you to see that you DO actually love her, more than you realized. You owe her the truth. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
redredwine Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 I new here, and a BW, and I think confessing is best for her sake. The longer you wait, the more she will feel that everything she knows is in question. Every good time and every happy event that happened, between the beginning of the A and her d-day, will feel like a big lie. And the longer you wait, the bigger the lie gets. Especially if family and friends figure the whole thing out. I found out long afeter the A was over, and everyone I knew, even our mutual friends and my family knew about the affair. If I were a weaker person or if I didn't have a strong faith in my Lord, I don't know if I would have survived it. Link to post Share on other sites
ampersand Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 (edited) I am leaning to disclosure in my own situation, because it feels like the only way to a strong long term bond. However as many times as I read people say "I would rather know", I just find it hard to believe. I think more accurately you could say "I'd rather be told by you than find out" or "I'd rather know if others do", but I think in the case where the WS can bury it and move on with true commitment, ignorance can be truly bliss. Of course, once its out there you cant unknow it and few would say "i prefer to be misled". Curious how others think of this. Btw, I do get and agree with the "she will find out sooner or later" argument, but I think that is the "I'd rather know than find out". OP, my advice (as others) is to tell. Edited January 11, 2013 by ampersand Link to post Share on other sites
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