Girlfriend catching up with ex

[GutFeeling]

Girlfriend of 3 years has told me that her ex of 4 years contacted her via text to wish her happy holidays, she asked me if I was alright with her texting back, I had no problem with this.

After a week has passed she showed me the text messages...

 

She wished all the best to him and asked that he passes wishes to his family.

He responded that he will do so and asked her for a coffee to catch up.

She responded that she would be pleased to meet up for coffee but needs to check with me first since I can get jealous.

 

This doesn't sit well with me, I feel like I gave her an inch and she took a mile.

I told her that I'm not comfortable with the meet but it's her decision if she is going to go through with it, not mine.

I then asked her why she wants to meet and she said she's curious how he's been and what his family and friends are up to since she was close with them before they broke up.

 

I think something like this can be done over the phone, but I have suspicion that she is not over him and possibly misses him, he came up in many conversations about time they had together throughout the last year.

I took the news a bit badly, and told her I didn't like this, she flipped out saying that I was jealous and insecure and she didn't like the way I behaved when she shared the news.

She mentioned that she didn't have to tell me but felt like I should know since she things it's something that would bother me, and she's right.

I trust that she doesn't have intentions other then catching up, but I don't see the meet up as a good thing. I definitely wouldn't want them to meet again.

 

She mentioned that she checked with me so that my feelings about it are not ignored, but I think she's going to meet him even though I have anxiety about the whole thing.

Any thoughts?

[Sircrax]

She has taken your feelings into consideration to some extent, yes. Particularly when she told you about the texts and then showed them to you.

She could have not told you at all, but that is a poor argument on her part. If refuses to discuss the matter in a non-confrontational manner, then you have a problem. 'Checking with you' is not enough - not if her intention is to go through with it anyway, regardless of your feelings.

 

She should not be putting the validity of your feelings into question. Emotions are irrational by nature and have value regardless of whether or not they're 'justified'. But this depends on your previous behaviour as well.

 

She did mention your jealous tendencies, though. Any history behind that?

Any reason she would react so dramatically?

It all depends on context. If she feels that she's straining under the yolk of your jealousy, then you also have to look within yourself to find out where it's coming from.

 

If she refuses to work towards a compromise, then you have some thinking to do, I think.

 

Disclaimer: I make no pretense to know what I'm talking about.

Edited January 9, 2013 by Sircrax

[salparadise]

She asks you if it's ok to text him back and you say yes, then she wants to see him and flipped out because you aren't comfortable with it! The fact that she reacted in this way is indication that there is more motivation behind it than catching up on news of his family. You aren't being overly jealous and insecure––those feelings are justified. She is overstepping an important boundary. You should have a talk with her and try to get her to see absurdity of her expecting you to be ok with her having a coffee date after not even being sure if she should text back. It is indeed a case of you giving and inch and her taking a mile. This thing of women wanting to keep an ex or two, or male friends, simmering on the back burner just sucks. I don't know why they can't see that it always affects the primary relationship. If you can't reason with her on this, if she continues to be emotional, then I think you've got a problem. Hope it works out for the best.

[road]

Dating is the job audition for marriage. If she fails the audition you must dump her. Not let us see how the job audition has been going.

 

If she can not understand why ex's have to be off limits, dump her.

 

If she is willing to do things that will greatly upset you, dump her.

 

If she is willing to go on a date with an ex (coffe in a restaurant is a date, a mini date but still a date) while in another relationship, dump her.

 

If she thinks that here ex wants to just meet up with her to catch up, then she is that stupid, dump her.

 

If she thinks that you will believe her when she lies that her ex wants to just meet up with her to catch up, then she is thinks that you are that stupid, dump her.

 

If you can't see through her lies, the ex's lies, then you are that stupid.

As that wise man once said: you can't fix stupid.

[Bryanp]

She is manipulating you into being the bad guy. If the roles were reversed I suspect that she would be flipping out as well.

[Chi townD]

I agree with Bryan. What set my hackles up is when she texted back "I'd love to meet up for coffee, but I have to check it with my boyfriend because he can get a bit jealous." Or something to that effect.

 

That statement makes you look like a petty, controlling and insecure douche rocket to her Ex, and an open invitation to go in for the kill. I doubt he would want to meet up for coffee if she texted, " As a matter of fact, my boyfriend and I are going to be in town on Thursday, why don't we all get together for coffee?" Betcha he probably wouldn't text back.

 

Which, now that I'm writing this, seems like a good idea Why don't you suggest to go with her since you got some running around to do as well. Gage her reaction. If she's proud to have you as a boyfriend and is 100% dedicated to you, she wouldn't have a problem with this. They're only friends afterall, right?

[joli_doll]

Poor argument or not, she told you about it. That's as plain and simple as it gets. I don't think she would tell you about it if she had underlying intentions or feelings other than endearment. The truth is, if something is going to happen, it's going to happen. This meeting won't make or break anything considering there is history and its not their first time ever meeting up. They could very easily run into each other one day and catch up then. What you need to do is have a little more faith in her and your relationship. I think it's unhealthy to worry so much about something like this and at the same time make her feel bad about catching up with people that were once important in her life. Don't let

your insecurity fog you and turn things sour. You're only boyfriend and girlfriend.

You're right to tell her it's ultimately her decision--since it is. I think you're just not comfortable with the idea of knowing when their meeting occurs and just sit there wondering what's going on. It's best if you occupy yourself with something else at the time or not know the details prior to the meet up.

[NoMagicBullet]

What Chi townD said. I know if I got a request from an ex to meet up, I would at least put off responding until I talked to my SO about it. I believe exes should stay in the past, and anything beyond sending holiday greetings once a year is asking for trouble. Only if my SO was okay with the meeting -- and preferably, that he would go with me to the meeting, if he's cool with that -- would I agree to meet the ex and inform him that both me and my SO would like to meet up with him.

 

Even so, I can think of few people I've dated (or even wanted to date, way back when) that I would be really curious about meeting again to see what their life had turned out like. And at least one I would never want to meet up with again.