Marriage Break up with 4 month old baby

[h18geh]

Hi Guys, i will try not to ramble too much but just need to get out the facts. I have been with my husband for almost 7 years now (we are both 27) at the beginning of our relationship i went through an eating disorder and give him his dues he stuck by me, as hard as it got he was there, he had wobbles but stayed. in 2009 when i was starting recovery he proposed to me, wedding was arranged for September 2010, in March 2010 i was diagnosed with Cervical Cancer, i had to undergo two operations to have most of my cervix removed which was very traumatic on our relationship and families, there was question as to whether i would be able to have children which is what devastated me the most. Post surgery my husband went on his stag to Portugal, he came back a different person and told me that he didn't want to get married anymore and he had made a mistake by asking me, and i later found out that he had got very friendly with a girl on his stag (who was on her hen weekend) and they had stayed in contact when they got back in the UK, she had been telling him that she would leave her husband to be for him if he could commit the same thing. After about 10 days of no communication he came over to see me and told me all of this, i told him that if he ever wanted this to work he had to break contact with her as he was misleading her, and he did.

(i find it particularly hard to believe that a woman would consider leaving her husband to be for someone she had just met if something romantic or sexual hadn't happened??)

Families were aware of all of this and it was decided (by everyone but me) that the wedding should be postponed as my husband had changed his mind about marriage. (note he didn't want to re arrange the date, he just wanted to cancel it!)

 

The wedding was re arranged to June 2011, three more times he freaked out prior to the wedding and we all had to pander to him and talk him back round to it. We went ahead and got Married and it was an amazing day and he said afterwards that he felt silly that he had panicked about it so much.

 

We talked about having a baby but he insisted he wasn't ready (i was always ready as felt like with the cancer that the clock was ticking (we were told to have a family at our earliest possible convenience, whatever that meant) In August 2011 he decided out of the blue that we would start trying??? We tried for four months, three miscarriages later he changed his mind and decided again that he wasn't ready, i was heartbroken and well and truly fed up of his indecision as it clearly wasn't the first time, we continued sleeping together but much to my confusion he wasn't using any protection, Jan 1st 2012 i found out i was pregnant.

 

He seemed happy to start with but was acting differently for months, in April 2012 he went on a friends stag weekend to Portugal leaving the day after my birthday, he has to take Diazepam to fly as he is petrified of it, but regularly in a panic would take far too much. (Because of the cancer and surgery my pregnancy left me ff work on bed rest at home with no way of getting out the house and 90% o my time in bed or led on the sofa) he rang me loads whilst away and would text me all the time, the scan picture was apparently out all the time to show everyone how proud he was.combined with a stint of heavy drinking and taking too much Diazepam he came home a different person (again) at the 20 week scan )in the hospital waiting room) He admitted that he felt nothing, he felt trapped and couldn't cope with the responsibility and didn't want to be involved with the baby, 4 monts pregnant my world fell apart, i got families involved to try and make him realize what he was walking out on and how cruel he was being. I found an email he had sent to someone he worked with of a foreign looking girl with a comment like 'chica' on it. When i confronted him he said that she was part of a group of hens and it had turned out she was some famous footbllers girlfriend so he had taken a picture of her (all seemed to coincidental that he was all up for leaving. But continued to deny he had done anything untoward on the stag.

I also found out that he had been lying to his doctors about regularly flying and taking diazepam daily for panic attacks, and that he would sit on the drive way at our house and take it to be able to face seeing me. He was a complete monster for weeks, nasty, irrational, violent (not badly just pushing) and drinking loads, he eventually got off it and came back to normality.

 

Through the rest of the pregnancy he threatened to leave a few more times for the same reason and i ended up going out and looking for my own place (whilst still on bed rest) come weeks 28 onwards he was a diferent person, worried, caring, loving. Baby came almost two weeks late and he changed instantly, he loved her so much from the minute she was born and again felt so stupid for ever doubting wanting her.

 

All was fine for the first few months but his behavior was changing again, i followed him on 'find your friends' (an i phone app that tracks the movement of other people) and he would call me telling me he was at X and he was only a few miles from home just driving around, i had also found emails from a lady that works in his head office doing his admin (he is field/home based) and she was getting rather pally with him and emailing him from her personal email, nothing sexual but inappropriate to say the least given hes a married man. i caught him and confronted him and he told me once again that he didnr want to come home and see me, he was only with me for our baby and didn't love me anymore. Once again my world fell apart and i went to my family and told them everything, again after days of silence we spoke and agreed that he had to stop doing this and the lying had to stop, obviously there were changes i needed to make and i needed to calm down but i knew the catalist for that was the lying so if that stopped it would all calm down.

Christmas 2012 was lovely, he took almost 3 weeks off work and it was amazing, we spent loads of family time together and he was helpful, loving.

 

Two days ago he rang me and said he was going to the gym with a friend i asked who and he told me a friend from football, i thought nothing of it. He then got home later that evening and admitted that he had been with another friend (a friend who he had worked with back in 2008 and had got him taking coke at work, so not someone i had much time for) when he told me he apologized for lying but said i would have kicked up so lied for that reason. Then Last night he left his work laptop open and i had a quick look at his emails, he had deleted all the emails from her in his inbox but when i went to his sent mail i found a load of conversations between them (he had always promised me that if she sent emails not relating to work that he just didn't reply) well he had and on 19th December he had to go up the the head office, the conversation was started by him obviously on his way home saying 'i need a drink' his explanation for that was that he had eaten a sandwich in the office with them all.

im sorry if all the lying has made me suspicious but that is not a good enough excuse? He has decided he cant be with me anymore and that he wants a divorce as he is only with me for our daughter.

 

He also insists that he has never cheated on me in the entire relationship (which i don't believe for one second) i am so so tired of all of this i just don't know what to do, i am at home with our 4 month old daughter (who i feel so lucky to have after my health scares) i'm scared he will try and take her from me but if we resolve this i am petrified that he will continue to lie/cheat/deceive me??

 

Sorry this is such an essay:(

[Bittersweetie]

Hi, I would recommend you post your story in the Infidelity forum, which is under Marriage and Partnerships. There are many people there who can offer you advice. I'm sorry that you're going through this.

[Radu]

He cannot take your baby away from you, especially since you live in UK [a somewhat pro-woman country when it comes to divorces].

Adding to this his ... addiction to Diazepam and alcohol, his erratic behaviour ... no way in bloody hell can he do this.

There are some users on this board who are lawyers in the UK who will probably post as well.

 

In regards to him.

He doesn't want to be with you anymore, and he is using various self-destructive ways to cut clear [he went to Portugal the 2nd time with a clear goal in mind ... as you probably suspect].

He doesn't have the strength to pull the plug on the marriage, being the coward that he is ... as your families dragged him to the altar and basically convinced him to stay in the marriage.

 

I have a suspicion that your social/cultural background is not from the UK [too much family involvement], is it correct ?

Are you an UK citizen ?

The above will probably be relevant information needed by any lawyers who may reply to your thread.

[Nyla]

He cannot take your baby away from you, especially since you live in UK [a somewhat pro-woman country when it comes to divorces].

Adding to this his ... addiction to Diazepam and alcohol, his erratic behaviour ... no way in bloody hell can he do this.

There are some users on this board who are lawyers in the UK who will probably post as well.

 

In regards to him.

He doesn't want to be with you anymore, and he is using various self-destructive ways to cut clear [he went to Portugal the 2nd time with a clear goal in mind ... as you probably suspect].

He doesn't have the strength to pull the plug on the marriage, being the coward that he is ... as your families dragged him to the altar and basically convinced him to stay in the marriage.

 

I have a suspicion that your social/cultural background is not from the UK [too much family involvement], is it correct ?

Are you an UK citizen ?

The above will probably be relevant information needed by any lawyers who may reply to your thread.

 

The bolded information is so true. Immature and weak men will become horrible to women they want to leave, because they aren't man enough to end the relationship.

[pink_sugar]

So sorry you are going through this. Try to remember you are only 27 and you can start fresh with someone who will treat you and your daughter right. Get out of this mess and let him go. I know from experience that when you get together with someone at a young age, such as 20 like yourself, you both are still growing and maturing and there is plenty of chance to change for better or worse...grow together or apart. We may find that person isn't who we thought they were. My brother's girlfriend actually has a similar issue with reproductive organs. She continuously has rupturing cysts on her overies and a tipped uterus. She is 26 and wants kids now because she doesn't think she can pretty soon. I think the odds of her getting pregnant will be about the same for her right now until she is 35...so no reason for her to rush unless she has such a diagnosis like yours.