What is a "legitimate" reason for divorcing?

[M30USA]

I hear it all the time, generally from women, that they divorced their hiusband because he was an alcoholic, or couldn't support the family financially, or was verbally abusive.

 

If these are acceptable reasons, what about if a man leaves his wife for having Borderline Personality Disorder, for example? Such women are volatile and abusive.

 

Why is it okay for women to leave men for the above stated reasons, yet a man should "stand by his woman" and support her through a psychological disorder which ravages the lives of everybody near to her?

[M30USA]

You have a good point. I honestly don't know. I think it is in a man's nature to be protective of their family, and their wife. Men are also, generally (but not always) tougher than women when it comes to things that cause drama related to insecurities or emotional/mental issues. It is also a matter of pride. A man doesn't want to look like a scumbag for leaving his wife who has an emotional disorder. I believe that may be why women can leave husbands with "baggage" easier than men can leave wives with "baggage". Then again, you are also comparing a mental disorder to being a raging alcoholic, two different things.

 

However, some big automatic reasons for divorce is abuse, cheating, lying etc...

 

I just can't see staying with a woman who would take a plank to my body. Even her parents were blinded to the truth and they told me I needed to do my part to keep her from losing it. Unreal. And you wonder why their child turned out the way she did? Her parents clearly don't understand individual accountability. They have a "group accountability" mindset, I call it. Sorry, all Judeochristian laws and the western judicial system don't work that way.

[trippi1432]

M30, I agree with will1988 on comparing alcoholism to a mental disorder, they are different because in one case, an alcoholic can be free of their vice, a person with a mental disorder lives with it for the rest of their lives and does their best to manage it. As of late it seems on LS, an alcoholic is praised for their victory over their vice, but a person with a mental disorder is pretty much put in pergatory and shunned like a leper for having the issue.

 

My exH probably had a mental disorder, I will never know, but what he did have was a drinking problem that caused him to rage constantly. Something he could have worked on but wouldn't. In the end, it was an AP that got him served even though the kids and I put up with his abusive nature for 15 years. So there are a lot of people who go through years of sticking by someone or with someone even though there seems little reason to do so.

 

Having said all of that, it's taken over 3 years of being out of that scene and finally almost a year of peace that I haven't been raged on by him for something (yes, he raged on me after our divorce and even raged on me after he got remarried), but I am finally able to start healing from all of that trauma.

 

My question to you is when are you going to stop holding on to the trauma your ex-wife put on you? You are valid in divorcing her M30, YOU hold the key to what you will and won't put up with and what you need to keep your own self respect intact. I know that you have a lot of anger built up in you from that incident M30, I did as well and sometimes still do because none of it is fair. But what I hope for you one day, is that you can find peace from what she did to you in order to move forward with your life and find happiness. It's hard to do that when we give them the power to hurt us. Life gets easier when we stop holding on to what hurt us and move forward with the freedom and new life we either took for ourselves or they gave us by leaving.

[TaraMaiden]

I hear it all the time, generally from women, that they divorced their hiusband because he was an alcoholic, or couldn't support the family financially, or was verbally abusive.

Good on her....

 

If these are acceptable reasons, what about if a man leaves his wife for having Borderline Personality Disorder, for example? Such women are volatile and abusive.

 

Good on him, why shouldn't he?

He's her husband, not her therapist. If she has a mental disorder, she has a duty to seek professional help. If she refuses to, or will not acknowledge the situation, he has every right to bail.

 

Why is it okay for women to leave men for the above stated reasons, yet a man should "stand by his woman" and support her through a psychological disorder which ravages the lives of everybody near to her?

Where is it written in stone that he 'should'?

 

If any person decides to remain within a relationship, where their partner is dysfunctional, 'badly wired' psychotic or mentally ill - then really, they have to question their own reasoning for remaining.

But there's nothing that stipulates anyone in that situation 'should' stay.

[jwi71]

Every person who files feels justified in doing so.

 

So all reasons are valid (to them at that point in time).

 

Whether we, the spouse being D or the man on the moon agrees or not is moot.

 

This is true of all human behavior.

[carhill]

Legitimacy is in the mind of the prosecutor of the action. It can be anything. It can have more traction socially when it appears to be a socially repugnant behavior/condition/characteristic.

 

As someone here told me once, regarding my divorce, 'she just didn't want to be married to you anymore'. That's legitimate. Accurate. Reflective of behaviors and resultant events. Accepted.

[M30USA]

My XW is the one who divorced me. We separated and then she divorced once she felt I was seriously considering it. That's another trait of BPD: they like to strike first, so to speak.

 

Dealing with BPD is one thing, but being viewed by them as the bad guy, or the one who is causing the problem, is another. If it was just a matter of me having to deal with her crap, that might have been possible. But what is unforgivable in my mind is how she REFUSED to take accountability and always put the blame on me.

[TaraMaiden]

M30USA - please take this question in the spirit in which it is asked;

I'm not poking you in the chest or provoking you, the question is one of legitimate and honest concern.

 

Your original question was posed as if speaking in general terms, but anyone with an ounce of sense, and knowledge of your marital history, will know you were speaking from an entirely personal perspective.....

 

You obviously carry a great amount of resentment at your wife's behaviour, how she (and her parents) handled matters, and how you feel you've been given a rough ride and generally truly well phukked over.

 

How do you think you can move on from this?

What do you feel you would need to do, to forgive and drop....?

[M30USA]

M30USA - please take this question in the spirit in which it is asked;

I'm not poking you in the chest or provoking you, the question is one of legitimate and honest concern.

 

Your original question was posed as if speaking in general terms, but anyone with an ounce of sense, and knowledge of your marital history, will know you were speaking from an entirely personal perspective.....

 

You obviously carry a great amount of resentment at your wife's behaviour, how she (and her parents) handled matters, and how you feel you've been given a rough ride and generally truly well phukked over.

 

How do you think you can move on from this?

What do you feel you would need to do, to forgive and drop....?

 

It will take me accepting that they won't ever change. A part of me hopes they will. But they won't.

 

I'm meeting with a counselor I really respect. Overall, it's been helpful. But I have days where all the resentment floods back in.

[TaraMaiden]

I'm not seeing - and again, this isn't a dig -

 

I'm not seeing any reliance or dependence on your faith....

 

Christ gave many lessons on loving your enemies, turning the other cheek, and forgiving the sinner.... Have you found solace in Christ's teachings, or is it a difficult one to actually come to terms with?

Words can be wonderfully comforting, but is it an uphill task for you to put the teachings into practice, or do you feel they have sustained you?

[M30USA]

I'm not seeing - and again, this isn't a dig -

 

I'm not seeing any reliance or dependence on your faith....

 

Christ gave many lessons on loving your enemies, turning the other cheek, and forgiving the sinner.... Have you found solace in Christ's teachings, or is it a difficult one to actually come to terms with?

Words can be wonderfully comforting, but is it an uphill task for you to put the teachings into practice, or do you feel they have sustained you?

 

I'm not Christ. I and everybody else can't forgive like him. I am generally doing well. Typically when I post about this, it's during a time shortly after her (or her parents) try to bully me around or play their games. Last night her parents were monitoring my phone call to my children and clearly trying to cut my talk short. I guess I just have to accept who they are. I guess I just have to assume, every time I speak w my children, that their family WILL play their games and WILL try to sabotage my relationship with my children.

[TaraMaiden]

Oh I appreciate that nobody can cut it like Christ... but that's why he taught. That's why he set an example.

He - as a man - led the way, and in his human guise, taught that it could be done.

 

The Buddha also taught that "Hatred cannot be appeased by Hatred, but only by Love can it be conquered. This is the Law eternal".

 

(I'm using Christianity and Buddhism as focal points because these are creeds with which I am familiar....)

 

Focus is required to transform a negative and damaging emotion, into a positive and constructive one.

Harbouring negativity in your heart and mind for those who would weigh you down, simply burdens you further..... because you add weight to their yoke....

 

I really am trying to help here.......

[Mme. Chaucer]

I think it's perfectly legitimate to divorce ones husband or wife because of destructive behavior whether it's caused by mental illness / personality disorder or not.

 

I would hope that if the messed up person is seeking help and following the direction of the professional that their spouse will give them a chance.

 

This is equally true for husbands and wives.

 

Personally, I think that if either party is miserable, that alone is a legitimate reason for divorce. Again, I hope their marital covenant would be valuable enough for them to make every effort to alleviate their misery before bailing.

 

But, don't you have biblical rules to follow on this subject? I think the legitimate reasons for divorce are pretty well spelled out in Matthew 5:31-32, in particular.

[carhill]

OP, it's probably healthy to accept that some people have the psychology to push people and attempt to manipulate them to the extent that they feel comfortable that such behaviors will not endanger their lives. In other words, they're counting on you to be civilized and not kill them. They're relying on that social inhibition to take things as far and as ugly as they can. That's how the minds of some people work. It's really hard to care less than someone with that kind of psychology. Really hard. Watch how they deal with a 'crazy' person who has no such inhibitions. Their tactics change.

 

Inevitably, though, they will make mistakes. Having a plan of action is paramount. Legal is better. Legitimate and legal is best, IMO. That anyone would attempt to or succeed in manipulating the dynamic of your parental relationship with your children is a clear demonstration of a definitely 'legitimate' reason for divorcing. Small comfort perhaps, but life can turn on such comforts. Good luck.

[M30USA]

I think it's perfectly legitimate to divorce ones husband or wife because of destructive behavior whether it's caused by mental illness / personality disorder or not.

 

I would hope that if the messed up person is seeking help and following the direction of the professional that their spouse will give them a chance.

 

This is equally true for husbands and wives.

 

Personally, I think that if either party is miserable, that alone is a legitimate reason for divorce. Again, I hope their marital covenant would be valuable enough for them to make every effort to alleviate their misery before bailing.

 

But, don't you have biblical rules to follow on this subject? I think the legitimate reasons for divorce are pretty well spelled out in Matthew 5:31-32, in particular.

 

She is the one who filed for divorce. She did so because I refused to live with her unless she stopped her destruction and physical abuse. But, as her father once told me, she won't ever lose an argument. There is a certain peace which comes with the fact that I'm not the one who divorced.

[TaraMaiden]

Mme. Chaucer, Yeah - I wouldn't put much credence on that..... particularly when if a woman wants a divorce she is not automatically entitled to it, but must seek her husband's permission.....

 

And remember, while a marriage may be blessed in the eyes of God, it doesn't always automatically require an ecclesiastical approval for it to be dissolved. That's entirely a legal matter.

[trippi1432]

Uh-Oh!! That article means my exH is a bigamist since he is remarried based on being of Christian faith that he claims to be, since I divorced him.

 

My background was Baptist and pretty much why I am agnostic now. I was informed that when my first husband divorced me, it was in the scriptures that I must take my children and live with his brother and for him to raise my kids as his own. Being that his brother was in jail for murder, I decided I would take my chances at Judgement Day or burn in hell.

 

Not poking fun at religion, but every religion is different, has different values and bases those values on different scriptures. Not saying any of them are wrong either.

[M30USA]

Uh-Oh!! That article means my exH is a bigamist since he is remarried based on being of Christian faith that he claims to be, since I divorced him.

 

My background was Baptist and pretty much why I am agnostic now. I was informed that when my first husband divorced me, it was in the scriptures that I must take my children and live with his brother and for him to raise my kids as his own. Being that his brother was in jail for murder, I decided I would take my chances at Judgement Day or burn in hell.

 

Not poking fun at religion, but every religion is different, has different values and bases those values on different scriptures. Not saying any of them are wrong either.

 

I'm not 100% certain of this, but if you are the one who eft him, he is free to remarry. Someone please correct me if I'm wrong. This isn't my biblical area of specialty.

Edited January 9, 2013 by M30USA

[TaraMaiden]

Well, let's not put too much emphasis on the literal Word - according to which, you should never have divorced your wife, M30USA.....

 

Her mental issues do not fall into any of the accepted criteria... but then again, had you been living at the time the scriptures were written, you would have been in an exclusively male-dominated society, and had you suspected your wife of being mental, could have denounced her as possessed by demons and had her stoned.

 

We do not live in that kind of society, or times.

 

Therefore, I believe you acted legitimately and well within your rights.

[carhill]

I'm not 100% certain of this, but if you are the one who eft him, he is free to remarry. Someone please correct me if I'm wrong. This isn't my biblical area of specialty.

I'm only conversant with one particular religion and my relevant anecdote is that my father had to petition the Catholic church for an annulment on the grounds of abandonment to have his first marriage 'ended' officially in the church so he could remarry within the church should he so have chosen. His first wife left him and took his daughters and took up with another man while he was fighting in Italy in WW2. That's probably outdated, but then again the Catholic church as been around for millennia and things change slowly. I still have his correspondence with his exW and the church. His petition was granted.

[M30USA]

I'm only conversant with one particular religion and my relevant anecdote is that my father had to petition the Catholic church for an annulment on the grounds of abandonment to have his first marriage 'ended' officially in the church so he could remarry within the church should he so have chosen. His first wife left him and took his daughters and took up with another man while he was fighting in Italy in WW2. That's probably outdated, but then again the Catholic church as been around for millennia and things change slowly. I still have his correspondence with his exW and the church. His petition was granted.

 

She probably divorced him because being an army wife is "so much harder" than being in the army. (Kidding, of course.)

[trippi1432]

I'm not 100% certain of this, but if you are the one who eft him, he is free to remarry. Someone please correct me if I'm wrong. This isn't my biblical area of specialty.

 

Doesn't matter much in either case, based on the article, both ex's would be put to death by stoning, and yes, he was the one who left....so....bigamist!!

[xxoo]

If a man is married to a mentally ill woman, who is making the home unsafe (physically or emotionally) for the children, I'd go as far as to say he has a responsibility to divorce.

 

My priority is creating a healthy environment for the kids, as much as possible.

[M30USA]

If a man is married to a mentally ill woman, who is making the home unsafe (physically or emotionally) for the children, I'd go as far as to say he has a responsibility to divorce.

 

My priority is creating a healthy environment for the kids, as much as possible.

 

That's what I did! Until the courts gave her primary custody anyway.

 

To be exact, I was the one who separated...but she filed for divorce probably because her lawyer said it increased her chances of getting kids (especially with her domestic violence).

[xxoo]

That's what I did! Until the courts gave her primary custody anyway.

 

To be exact, I was the one who separated...but she filed for divorce probably because her lawyer said it increased her chances of getting kids (especially with her domestic violence).

 

You can't control what happens during her time with your kids.

 

But you have complete control over what happens during your time. Keep everything as positive, stable, and nurturing as you can (including what you say about their mom and her family).

 

Keep meticulous records of anything that their mom does that might change the opinion of the courts. And make sure that you don't do anything that she can make record of. I have a friend who did exactly that, and the mentally ill parent was unable to keep it together forever. In time, the custody situation switched. It took a few years, but it happened.