How much should I tell my boyfriend

[runner21]

Okay, so two issues:

1) my boyfriend and I started out as informal and "open." We got together right after I had been hooking up with his friend for a couple of weeks. I really liked his friend, but he broke it off. So, when my boyfriend and I got together, I still had feelings for his friend. I even broke it off with my boyfriend after a couple of weeks. I gave him a different reason, but really I didn't want to ruin the possibility of getting with his friend in the future. Then my boyfriend and I ended up getting back together, and then he broke up with me a week later. Then we tried to be just friends for a while but we ended up getting back together, and now we've been officially dating for a month or so. Now, I feel badly because I had at least some feelings for his friend after my boyfriend and I officially got together. We would still hang out sometimes as friends, but he would sometimes flirt with me and I with him. I feel so badly because my boyfriend thinks I only liked him the whole time. should I tell him so that he can decide if I'm worth it? I've never cheated on anyone and never will, but it felt like emotional cheating at times. The thing is, I don't want to lose him now. Our relationship has really grown, and I have definitely fallen for him. Still, he thinks I'm perfect, and I know I'm not.

2) 3 of my guy friends were making fun of one of my other friends for not being circumcised. They were making fun of him behind his back. I said "guys, it's not a big deal to be uncircumcised. It doesn't look weird." And while I believe this, I was kind of doing this in a jesting manner and intentionally turning the conversation towards the fact that I had seen an uncircumcised penis (my boyfriends). For some reason I wanted them to know, and I don't know why I would do this. I'm obviously not bothered at all by the fact that my boyfriend is uncircumcised. But he is a very private person, and I know he would be horrified if he knew I had told. I guess I didn't actually tell, but my friends guessed that it was my boyfriend I was talking about (and I knew they would). Then I tried to deny it, but I don't know if this was because I felt badly or I didn't want to look trashy. the worst part is, these guys are on the same sports team as my boyfriend, and I just feel so badly that I did this. I've clearly had some bad lapses in judgment. What should I do? Should I tell him? I feel like I don't deserve to be with him. It makes me feel sick. And he's the first person I've fallen for, but I feel like i've ruined it

[runner21]

Please, no sarcasm. Things are going really well right now between us, but I just feel so so so guilty, and I don't want our relationship to be built on lies. I know I must sound like a huge bitch.

I'm scared that he'll end things with me if I tell him. He already knows that I was with his friend before we got together, and he knows we continued to hang out, but he doesn't know I continued to like him.

And you think I should tell him about the uncircumcised thing? I don't want to make him feel embarrassed

[Sircrax]

Wow indeed. You are an angel, lol. Feeling so much guilt over this is admirable.

The second bit, anyway.

The first bit: if it's eating away at you and keeps you from sleeping at night, then tell him. But you haven't betrayed him or crossed any lines as far as I can see.

[Chi townD]

Okay, well....with the penis thing. I would definately tell him what happened. Tell him the story as you told it here. CONVEY to him that his name was never brought up by you. They just automatically assumed that you were referring to him because you're currently dating him. Then, apologize to him that you said anything at all and tell him that it wasn't your place to be involved in that kind of discussion and it was done in poor judgement. I think that he might get a little mad. BUT!!! I think he'll appreciate the fact that you were upfront and honest with him rather than him being blindsided by it in the locker room or the field. And give him and ego boost "If it's any consolation, I told them that the guy I was referring to is massive!" J/K don't do that.

 

Now, with the other thing. Yeah, you're right. You did cheat. It's called an emotional affair. Now, you may have to tell him everything about what happened with his friend while you were not 100% offical. Because, if he's friends with this guy....well, guys talk. ANd you need to be completely honest with him about everything. Answer all of his questions truthfully. But, tell him that you are done with this guy and you are dedicated to him and him alone. Will it hurt him? Probably. But, if he understands that everything hsppened BEFORE you two became offical, then he may be able to get over it. He may demand that you never see this guy again. But, if you're dedicated as much as you say you are to him, then that shouldn't be a problem for you.

[darkmoon]

just in case - make a plan for the most abject apology and a treat of an appropiate size to show how truly sorry you are

 

you got caught up in the moment, you're only human, and obviously you avoid this situation in the future for ever

[Chi townD]

Please, no sarcasm. Things are going really well right now between us, but I just feel so so so guilty, and I don't want our relationship to be built on lies. I know I must sound like a huge bitch.

I'm scared that he'll end things with me if I tell him. He already knows that I was with his friend before we got together, and he knows we continued to hang out, but he doesn't know I continued to like him.

And you think I should tell him about the uncircumcised thing? I don't want to make him feel embarrassed

 

 

Okay, I didn't see this. Then, you don't tell him that you continued to like him. If you can say that nothing happened (physically) with this guy AFTER you became offical with your boyfriend, then you need to let it go. If something physical did happen, then you need to tell him, because...well, guys talk. HOWEVER! You have to stay away from his friend. No interaction with him whatsoever. If he's going to be at a party, then you don't go. If your boyfriend asks why you're not going. Be honest, his friend is going to be there, he knows that there was a past there and you would like to leave it there and make it weird with him being around because you are 100% dedicated to him.

[runner21]

Okay, thanks guys. Nothing physical with his friend ever happened after my boyfriend and I first started hooking up. But we continued to hang out even after my boyfriend and I were official, and there was still some flirting. My boyfriend has had a lot of girls cheat on him in the past, and he's told me that he loves how he can trust me. This makes me feel like **** because I feel like I've betrayed him in these two ways. Is this an overreaction? Should I tell my boyfriend that the real reason I broke things off with him the first time was because of his friend? Because I did lie to him that time by telling him the breakup was because I didn't feel like I could continue on in an open relationship.

The Penis thing- I doubt these boys will make fun of him for it..It was last semester, and now we have been on winter break for a month. I'm hoping it will never come up again. Do you still think I should tell him? I'm afraid it will make him feel unnecessarily embarrassed around the guys that were involved in the conversation? I more feel like I should tell him so that he has an honest view of what I'm like. He really thinks that I'm the perfect girl, and, as you can see, I am not. I knew they would assume it was my boyfriend. In fact, I had had a similar conversation with one of those boys before. he asked "have you even ever seen one?" I said yes, and he said "I think I know what that means, and I don't want to know." I just laughed and left. So I knew they would assume it was my boyfriend. I feel like on some level I wanted them to know and I don't know why? And I knew they would laugh about it because they were already joking about my other friend who is uncircumcised. I just feel like it was so cruel. So I guess my reason for telling him would be so that he sees me for what I honestly am. I don't want to trust him if I don't deserve it.

I know that I will never cheat in any way on him again because I feel so ****ty about continuing to flirt with his friend, but I still can't help but think that he loves me for what he thinks I am and not what I am.

[Chi townD]

TELL HIM!!!! If these guys had no problem talking about a guy uncut Mr. Happy infront of you, they would have NO PROBLEM making an inneundo referrence about your boyfriend while he's there!

 

I think you're getting yourself worked up over nothing. If I were your boyfriend, I wouldn't be too bothered by it. It would actually help me out in the long run if it did ever come up in conversation, I would be ready for it. "Oh yeah? Well at least a girl has seen MY penis, ya douche rocket."

 

I'm starting to feel that we're not getting the WHOLE story here because you are feeling WAY too guilty about this.

[silicone]

If I were your boyfriend, I wouldn't be too bothered by it. It would actually help me out in the long run if it did ever come up in conversation, I would be ready for it. "Oh yeah? Well at least a girl has seen MY penis, ya douche rocket."

 

She also saw his friend's. I've been in a position where girls have cheated on me in the past. I would rather know.

[salparadise]

It is not necessary to confess every thought that passes through your head. The situation was that you started up with your boyfriend immediately on the heels of ending with his friend. He knows this, so it's only common sense that your feelings for the friend would dissipate over some amount of time as opposed to terminating abruptly. If he asks just confirm that there were some residual feelings at first but that nothing physical ever happened. No need to make a big pronouncement, no need to feel guilty.

[road]

It is not necessary to confess every thought that passes through your head. The situation was that you started up with your boyfriend immediately on the heels of ending with his friend. He knows this, so it's only common sense that your feelings for the friend would dissipate over some amount of time as opposed to terminating abruptly. If he asks just confirm that there were some residual feelings at first but that nothing physical ever happened. No need to make a big pronouncement, no need to feel guilty.

 

 

Being you did not get physical with the ex after you started dating, and hung out with the OM only in a group setting, and did not go out one on one with your ex then there was no cheating.

 

Does your BF know that you dated his friend before you dated him?

[runner21]

We did hang out one on one, but I asked my boyfriend if it was okay. We hung out in my dorm room sometimes. Nothing physical ever happened. And yes, my boyfriend did know that I was with his friend before I was with him. I never dated his friend. We just hooked up for a few weeks.

I'm afraid that my boyfriend will break up with me if I tell him these things. Like I said, he has some trust issues after being cheated on by other girls (this was physical cheating though).

[road]

We did hang out one on one, but I asked my boyfriend if it was okay. We hung out in my dorm room sometimes. Nothing physical ever happened. And yes, my boyfriend did know that I was with his friend before I was with him. I never dated his friend. We just hooked up for a few weeks.

I'm afraid that my boyfriend will break up with me if I tell him these things. Like I said, he has some trust issues after being cheated on by other girls (this was physical cheating though).

 

 

So you mean you never dated OM. He just said lets F and you said yes?

Wow.

 

You say your BF knows you banged his friend. Then you say if your BF finds out he will break up with you.

 

Your own words contradict themselves.

[runner21]

No, I didn't have sex with his friend. We didn't go that far. And I'm not worried about him knowing that I was with his friend. I just feel badly that I continued to like/flirt with his friend after I got together with my boyfriend.

I mostly feel badly about the penis thing though. I really doubt that he will ever find out...that's not my concern. I just feel badly because he always tells me that he can trust me with anything, and I feel like I don't deserve his trust anymore because I betrayed him by talking about it with my friends.

[runner21]

I talked to my therapist about it today, and she said not to tell him because that would only help me and make him unnecessarily self-conscious around these two guys when I really don't think they'll tell him. But I do worry how he would feel if he did know. And it feels like a punch in the gut every time he tells me how much he trusts me and how I'm the only person he can be himself around (he has trouble trusting girls due to girls cheating on him in the past). But should he still trust me when I shared something so intimate? I worry that he might not like me anymore if he knew, since trust is so important to him. I know I won't ever do anything like this again, and I really really care about him, but is it too late? I already feel like a poser when he says he trusts me

[umirano]

Well yeah, obviously you lacked loyalty to your boyfriend when you joked with your friends about uncircumcised guys. You did betray his trust in you. Will it help you if you bring it up now? No, I agree with your therapist. That's life, put on your big girl panties. You made a mistake, you have to deal with it on your own. Suck it up. Don't do it again. Learn to be a loyal and trustworthy girlfriend, become a good citizen.

 

If you feel you can't do those things, it would only be fair to let your boyfriend go. Unless if you agree that he deserves yet another immature disloyal chick failing on him.

 

And seriously, what the f is wrong with the circumcised crowd? Fyi, not being circumcised is the default. And circumcision is something mainly practiced in the cultural backwaters of saharan and sub-saharan africa and the middle east. So I guess the joke is on your retarded friends more than on anyone else.

 

cheers

[tibi]

If I were you, I would tell him everything. If he is a good guy (and if you really love him), he deserves to know the truth. At the moment, you do not deserve his trust.

 

You've said this whole thing makes you feel guilty and sick. Do you really want to keep on living your life like this?

 

You've also said you don't want your relationship to be built on lies. I respect you for that. But this is why you should come clean. Lying is disgusting in my opinion.

I don't think it's too late to come clean.

 

By the way your friends are dumb. Making fun of someone for being uncircumcised is simply disrespectful.

[Chi townD]

I talked to my therapist about it today, and she said not to tell him because that would only help me and make him unnecessarily self-conscious around these two guys when I really don't think they'll tell him.

 

annnd.... in the meantime, this leaves you feeling guilty and hiding things in your relationship. Always having that big elephant in the room and having you stress out anytime that he's going to be around those guys.

 

Where did your therapist get his or her degree from? A correspondence course?