A very personal poll

[loredo21]

I know everyone's story and situation is different. But after reading so many posts I wonder how much more alike we all are....This is obviously a personal question so forgive me. But I'm wondering how many (if any) OW/OM have been sexually abused in their lifetime.

I have a beautiful BS at home who would give me the moon and the stars. EVEN now after I told him of the affair. He supports me 100%. I can't understand how any perfectly good woman would throw away such a wonderful situation. I was sexually abused as a child and can't not help but think that is why I feel I am worthless, undeserving, so unlovable to the point where I felt the need to start an A.

There has to be a correlation....

 

[wanting more]

I was never abused as a child. I have loving parents that have been married over 50 years. I don't have low self esteem. I'm not naive. I made a very very stupid mistake, one I'll never forgive myself for.

[loredo21]

"Such an issue"? What, is she supposed to wipe it off? How condescending.

 

I've seen two main issues with women who are other women. The biggest one is a poor or nonexistant relationship with the father - translates into a bit of a age difference usually. The second one that came up is sexual abuse, but it's hard to say how prevalent it is because it's not something easy to put out there, even anonymously.

 

Thank you cutedragon

If I am trying to figure this whole thing out I think I need to cover all angles. And it's definitely NOT something that's easy to put out there. I hid it for years until my H came around. Then we got me into counseling. It was the first time I ever talked to someone professionally about it. Only one other person knows since the A and that's my sister, because it was screaming to come out of me and I needed to know if she had experienced the same. (She did not) which made me feel even worse. I'm glad she wasn't. But why it was "saved" just for me, I don't know.

[underwater2010]

I did not mean for it to be condesending. I am sorry if I stated it wrong. Quite honestly I have heard it as an excuse for bad behavior, yet I know a lot of people that have overcome their past and go on to be some of the most compassionate and honest people I have ever met.

 

I just wanted to add to the poll that not every person that cheats has a painful past.

[ow9]

Kuddos to you for asking this.

Yup. Daddy left mommy after 32 years of marriage and countless affairs. 4 months later I was sexually assaulted. My counselor said that's "why" I had an affair. Unfortunately I don't want a reason why. I want to take it back. :-(

[Catplates]

I had severe emotional abuse but not sexual.

 

I do not believe that's why I had an A. That would be far too simplistic.

 

I have tried not to let my childhood experience of maternal abuse define who I am.

[stevie_23]

"Such an issue"? What, is she supposed to wipe it off? How condescending.

 

I've seen two main issues with women who are other women. The biggest one is a poor or nonexistant relationship with the father - translates into a bit of a age difference usually. The second one that came up is sexual abuse, but it's hard to say how prevalent it is because it's not something easy to put out there, even anonymously.

 

This I find interesting.

 

I’ve been lucky enough to have never suffered any form of sexual abuse, but I DID have a strange relationship with my father, growing up and still to this day (I’m 34 now). He was a good father, but he was an alcoholic and I feared him when he was drunk, not for how he treated me (which was fine) but for how abusive he became (verbally only) to my mother. It was like, the 2 people I loved most in the world…and one was being horrible and hurtful to the other. I was always loyal to my mum while trying not to be bad to my dad, cause I didn’t want him to think I didn’t love him. My mum and I have always been very close.

 

My dad stopped drinking when I was 14, thank god, and hasn’t touched a drop since. But the memories are still there. I love him dearly of course, and he is a wonderful man, but we never talk. I mean, we DO talk. I call them twice a week (I live in a different state) and we see each other several times a year, but when we DO talk, it’s just…nothing. Superficial stuff.

 

I thought I was gay until developing feelings for my recent-ex. I assumed and felt I was 100% gay basically from childhood until I was 32 years old. I wondered if this might have anything to do with my dad, but I didn’t really want to accept that, cause it made me feel bad. And now I don’t think I am gay anymore, as thanks to my ex, I have developed an attraction to men, I notice the ONLY men I am drawn to are older men. My ex is 61, and this is TOO OLD for me, honestly (not in terms of his personality, but strictly in terms of life expectancy. I don’t want to be a widow at age 50), but anyone under the age of 45-50 I am just totally put off by.

[neveragain34]

There is definitely a correlation. Sexual abuse is not an excuse for the affair, but it does lead to proven mental disorders and/or abnormalities in which an affair would be a "symptom" or "sign-of" the mental issues.

 

For example, if you read about "borderline personality disorder", you will learn that many people have the following symptoms which can correlate with some of the behaviors you have when in an affair:

 

-Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

-A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation

-Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self

-Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)

Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

-Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

-Chronic feelings of emptiness

-Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

-Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms

[Lillyfree]

distant father, never had a great relationship with him.

 

he had an affair when i was around 12-13, which ended really badly with his OW turning full on bunny boiler and threatening to hurt my brother and i.

 

i have vowed never to have an affair, that i would never put my own children through something like that. that my marriage will be better than the one my parents had. so much for that...

[april38]

I was not abused as a child in any way, and I still found myself as an OW in my last "relationship". However I wasn't in the healthiest mentality when I met him. I was lonely; and I have an absurd dating history of dating men who I never fully respected as men (e.i. attractive, smart, sexy, intelligent, leader, etc). I didn't think I would ever find a man who really did it for me. So when I met my xMM I thought now that's the kind of guy I'd like to date, he had it all. And I when he showed interest in me, I failed to respect myself enough to stay away from him. I'm still processing everything in my head and I don't have complete retrospect at this time, but I am starting to notice how I allowed him to use me, and drag my heart through the mud. So even though I wasn't abused, I still had obvious self esteem issues that led to my A.

 

Oh yeah, I do have some daddy issues -was too busy for me, always made me 2nd or 3rd to job and wife...(just adding this in case it helps ur poll) :-)

[stevie_23]

Wow, those borderline personality symptoms sound a lot like me if I allow myself to indulge my moods and deeper negative feelings.

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

I was sexually abused by my coach/teacher in middle school. And of course ironically or not, MM is the exact same age difference as me and my coach. Same type of position and personality. correlation... of course. Excuse.... never.

[2sure]

I was gang raped at 14.

[SecretFlower]

I was never abused, but I definitely have daddy issues...So, I suppose I fit the bill.

[stevie_23]

I wonder if the only men I could ever be with are much older than me, because of my own father issues. I find this interesting, but not at all troubling.

 

When I think of being with younger men (younger meaning under 45 or so, not younger than me, at 34), I feel completely turned off and actually scared.

[NotDoneYet]

I think there's definitely a correlation. My wife was also abused and now she's having an affair. Of course that's just one piece of the puzzle, but I think it's a big piece. She never talked about the abuse much, never wanted to go to therapy, and I think it's played a big part in our current mess.

[SecretFlower]

Stevie_23, I completely agree. I've never dated anyone younger than me. Honestly, the thought of being even a month older makes me queasy. I could chalk it up to simply being attracted to them, but I'm always attracted to men old enough to be my father -- I just don't act on the attraction.

[Got it]

I know everyone's story and situation is different. But after reading so many posts I wonder how much more alike we all are....This is obviously a personal question so forgive me. But I'm wondering how many (if any) OW/OM have been sexually abused in their lifetime.

I have a beautiful BS at home who would give me the moon and the stars. EVEN now after I told him of the affair. He supports me 100%. I can't understand how any perfectly good woman would throw away such a wonderful situation. I was sexually abused as a child and can't not help but think that is why I feel I am worthless, undeserving, so unlovable to the point where I felt the need to start an A.

There has to be a correlation....

 

 

I am very sorry for your pains. That is an awful thing to go through. ((((loredo))))

 

I can give you the breakdowns in my situation.

 

Me (WS): No sexual abuse

Ex husband (BS): No sexual abuse

dMM (BS and then WS): sexually abused

Ex wife (WS and then BS): no sexual abuse

 

I am in awe of what dMM went through and what he has made of that experience. He was able to testify against his abuser and get the guy behind bars for a very very long time which I think went a long way in his healing. He has counselled others who have been abused. But it was an incredibly hard experience and, as he says, causes you to question everything including your own sexuality (he says because it was same sex). I know he triggered, even now decades later, during the Penn State scandal.

 

I don't think he has put the affair and the abuse together as contributing factors. There were other factors at play that seemed to take precedence.

 

Again, I am so sorry you went through that.

[Got it]

I was gang raped at 14.

 

Jesus 2sure, I am so sorry that you went through that.

[MrWindupBird]

My OW was sexually abused as a child.

 

It doesn't excuse cheating. I try not to make excuses. But I can definitely see a cause and effect in this situation.

[amaysngrace]

FWIW I was sexually abused as a child and I never cheated on anyone.

 

I have about as much respect for child abusers as I have for cheaters. None.

[MrWindupBird]

FWIW I was sexually abused as a child and I never cheated on anyone.

 

I have about as much respect for child abusers as I have for cheaters. None.

 

Equating people who have cheated on their spouse with people who have ravaged a child's young life with sexual abuse or outright rape is a very interesting outlook.

 

One could probably read a little deeper into such a statement.

[amaysngrace]

Equating people who have cheated on their spouse with people who have ravaged a child's young life with sexual abuse or outright rape is a very interesting outlook.

 

One could probably read a little deeper into such a statement.

 

Read into what? I'm not the one who put these two thoughts together.

 

I was just saying that I have no respect for either.

 

But if you want to dig deeper then just think...if there's children involved in the cheating marriage then yeah, child molesters and people who cheat a child both rob a child of their innocence and perfect view of the world, no?

[MrWindupBird]

Read into what? I'm not the one who put these two thoughts together.

 

I was just saying that I have no respect for either.

 

But if you want to dig deeper then just think...if there's children involved in the cheating marriage then yeah, child molesters and people who cheat a child both rob a child of their innocence and perfect view of the world, no?

 

If you think those things are on the same level, then I wish you great luck in all your future social endeavors.

 

Have a lovely morning.

[angie2443]

Reading this thread is litterally making me sick. It's hard to even type right now because my hands are shaking.

 

I have kids that I have to get of to school now, so I'll post more later. What I will say for now is that I don't think it's so much the sexual part of some people's abuse experience that leads them to cheating or bieng cheated on. All abuse has certain elements that are the same across the board. The one that's hitting me right now, is, the dehumanizing factor. You have to turn someone into a "thing" to abuse them. I know from experience that bieng turned into a "thing" by the person that is supposed to love and protect you, is one of the most soul murdering experiences you can go through. I know that sounds dramatic, but I don't know how else to say that. I can see how that would mess a kids head up and lead to unhealhy relationships in the future. At the same time, I know many people who were abused as kids and ended up in healthy relationships. I suspect one saving factor here is that a healthy adult must have been in the picture somewhere. I don't know.

 

2Sure's post is going to be in my head for a long time. The cruelty of some people disgust me. I hope 2Sure and the others who have been hurt by this have found some peace reguarding these past experiences. It's hard, though. I don't think about my past much, but when I read things like this thread, it brings out a lot of anger and other negative feelings.

 

Sorry to get off topic. Anyways, there has been a lot of abuse in the family I came from and the families my parents came from. There has been a lot of cheating, sleeping with married men, etc. There has been a lot of people in my family (I'm including both mine and my husband's family here) that have landed in loving, healthy relationshipe. I don't think that cheating has touched these people, but I can never really know.