A very personal poll

[Got it]

Read into what? I'm not the one who put these two thoughts together.

 

I was just saying that I have no respect for either.

 

But if you want to dig deeper then just think...if there's children involved in the cheating marriage then yeah, child molesters and people who cheat a child both rob a child of their innocence and perfect view of the world, no?

 

Perfect view of the world? A parent is expected to give that to their kids? For how long? And what happens when that child grows up and realizes that the world isn't perfect. Is the parent at fault then?

 

My mom cheated. I in no way feel that I was robbed of my innocence (and I really am not understanding that in context to one's parent's sex lives) and my view of the perfect world.

 

My parents weren't perfect and they did things that at times was pretty crummy but they were real humans who made mistakes and changed things, didn't change things, and moved forward.

 

In no way do I compare my parents, my mom, on the same page as child molesters and it is an extremely disturbing and infuriating comment.

[Got it]

not been abused myself ( at lats until I was a teenager by the first guy I went out with), I can't say how someone in that situation would feel...but it's my understanding that it can totally ruin someone's self esteem and make them feel as if they somehow 'deserved' the cruddy treatment they got...

 

when the hurt child grows up, they may still think they somehow deserved what they got, are a bad person, and don't deserve happiness, so they subconsciously seek out relationships that are hurtful to them...( maybe they even see it as somehow punishing themselves for somehow causing their past abuse:sick:)

 

what a horrible thing to do to a child- do child abusers understand the depth of the hurt they cause and the long term effects it may bring? maybe not, and even if they did, I somehow doubt they'd care

 

No they don't. From things I have read I think some actually believe that the kid likes it, like it is a special relationship. It is mind boggling trying to understand how someone is okay with it. How one is interested in or sexualizes children.

 

For dMM, he had an absentee father and this guy was a trusted member of the community. He took him around, took him on trips, bought him things, etc. There were a number of boys. He came from meager means with a mom that worked all the time as a single parent. So he abused him until dMM finally was able to stand up to him and tell him to stop. DMM was conflicted to have someone care but take advantage of him like that and he felt very guilty. He didn't want to burden his mom, didn't know if he would be believed, etc.

 

And the guy sits in jail believing that it is a conspiracy theory against him. While the guy did admit it to officials one time he recanted and has stuck with that story. He doesn't believe he has done anything wrong. Sandusky is the same. The stories are sadly similar.

 

Even now, decades later, dMM is well into his middle age years, periodically he checks the prison records just to make sure that the guy is still behind bars. Needing to be prepared if he gets released.

[MrWindupBird]

No they don't. From things I have read I think some actually believe that the kid likes it, like it is a special relationship. It is mind boggling trying to understand how someone is okay with it. How one is interested in or sexualizes children.

 

For dMM, he had an absentee father and this guy was a trusted member of the community. He took him around, took him on trips, bought him things, etc. There were a number of boys. He came from meager means with a mom that worked all the time as a single parent. So he abused him until dMM finally was able to stand up to him and tell him to stop. DMM was conflicted to have someone care but take advantage of him like that and he felt very guilty. He didn't want to burden his mom, didn't know if he would be believed, etc.

 

And the guy sits in jail believing that it is a conspiracy theory against him. While the guy did admit it to officials one time he recanted and has stuck with that story. He doesn't believe he has done anything wrong. Sandusky is the same. The stories are sadly similar.

 

Even now, decades later, dMM is well into his middle age years, periodically he checks the prison records just to make sure that the guy is still behind bars. Needing to be prepared if he gets released.

 

My wife's abuser was her stepfather. She is from a very poor area in a very rural area. She lives in fear of the man even looking at her or our children on the computer. My wife's mother has had sequential marriages to pedophiles, and she's been subsequently forbidden to contact our family as well by a restraining order.

 

As a result of the abuse, my wife is paranoid even at almost 30. She has nightmares every night and can't trust any stranger. I'm a former marine and trained Muay Thai and kickboxing for years, and I wouldn't let anyone ever hurt my family, but she's still perpetually terrified. It's hell on earth for a child to be sexually abused. It warps their realities into a scary, scary thing.

[loredo21]

It's so hard reading all of these posts. It's a poll I wish no one could have answered "yes" to... :/ What a sick world we live in.

I haven't made complete peace with my situation. I pushed it so far out of my memory for so long that I never properly dealt with it. Only now that all of these issues have developed in my adult life have I decided it is time to make peace with it. The hardest part for me will be wondering why I was the only one. I grew up with 7 siblings in the house. 4 of us girls. (and although I've only asked my 1 sister, I can only assume opportunity-wise he wouldn't have had the chance to hurt any of the others)...This was a family member who came to stay with us every summer as a child. So every summer I knew what to expect. I knew what was going to be happening those 3 months out of the year. But I was too scared to tell. My mom still does not know. Thankfully over the years my family has disowned him for other reasons so never have to see him.

Hopefully this can be therapeutic for me and I can start to heal my wounds. I so appreciate everyone's support. <3

[Got it]

My wife's abuser was her stepfather. She is from a very poor area in a very rural area. She lives in fear of the man even looking at her or our children on the computer. My wife's mother has had sequential marriages to pedophiles, and she's been subsequently forbidden to contact our family as well by a restraining order.

 

As a result of the abuse, my wife is paranoid even at almost 30. She has nightmares every night and can't trust any stranger. I'm a former marine and trained Muay Thai and kickboxing for years, and I wouldn't let anyone ever hurt my family, but she's still perpetually terrified. It's hell on earth for a child to be sexually abused. It warps their realities into a scary, scary thing.

 

I am so sorry to hear that. Has she gotten help? I wonder about her mother and would assume she too had been abused and why she seems to seek out other abusers.

 

For dMM, it has been the fear of his kids. He has a great deal of anxiety about what could happen to them. That was a major reason why he didn't divorce after his wife's affair, he didn't want strange men around the kids. He continues to grapple with that fear but it gets better the older they are. He has worked very hard to try and protect them and give them a very safe existence because of what he grew up with or without.

 

Of course the flipside he gets frustrated because they don't always appreciate it. But I remind him that its hard for kids to really appreciate something they never did without. While it is frustrating, that is the gift that they were able to build for their kids. But I digress.

 

But abuse leaves lasting scars. No doubt about it.

[MrWindupBird]

It's so hard reading all of these posts. It's a poll I wish no one could have answered "yes" to... :/ What a sick world we live in.

I haven't made complete peace with my situation. I pushed it so far out of my memory for so long that I never properly dealt with it. Only now that all of these issues have developed in my adult life have I decided it is time to make peace with it. The hardest part for me will be wondering why I was the only one. I grew up with 7 siblings in the house. 4 of us girls. (and although I've only asked my 1 sister, I can only assume opportunity-wise he wouldn't have had the chance to hurt any of the others)...This was a family member who came to stay with us every summer as a child. So every summer I knew what to expect. I knew what was going to be happening those 3 months out of the year. But I was too scared to tell. My mom still does not know. Thankfully over the years my family has disowned him for other reasons so never have to see him.

Hopefully this can be therapeutic for me and I can start to heal my wounds. I so appreciate everyone's support. <3

 

My wife had several siblings, but she was not only the oldest, and the most attractive (her siblings have all been very overweight since early childhood), but she was also the only one who wasn't actually related to her stepfather. The other kids in the family were his kids.

 

Your situation I'm sure is very unique to your own circumstances, but any sort of distinguishing characteristic could shed some light on the truth about why you were the unfortunate one (if you were the only one—many times siblings don't know one another were being abused). Like you said, you're trying to put in to rest and let it go. I really hope you can find the strength to do it. A lot of people don't know that dropping the terrible weight off your shoulders is so much harder than carrying around your whole life.

[BrokenPrincess]

This thread is very difficult to read. My heart goes out to all if you that responded yes.

 

My son is at an age where he is going to be alone around more adult strangers soon (daycare, camp, etc) and I am having severe paranoia about someone potentially hurting him when I am not around.

 

FWIW, I cheated but was not abused or dad issues. My H is a year younger than me, but my xMM was 15 yrs older.

[MrWindupBird]

I am so sorry to hear that. Has she gotten help? I wonder about her mother and would assume she too had been abused and why she seems to seek out other abusers.

 

For dMM, it has been the fear of his kids. He has a great deal of anxiety about what could happen to them. That was a major reason why he didn't divorce after his wife's affair, he didn't want strange men around the kids. He continues to grapple with that fear but it gets better the older they are. He has worked very hard to try and protect them and give them a very safe existence because of what he grew up with or without.

 

Of course the flipside he gets frustrated because they don't always appreciate it. But I remind him that its hard for kids to really appreciate something they never did without. While it is frustrating, that is the gift that they were able to build for their kids. But I digress.

 

But abuse leaves lasting scars. No doubt about it.

 

She's gone to therapy, but she didn't really trust the therapists after a while. She felt the woman was a little too simplistic in her views—like she had sort of a formula to fix everyone instead of taking it case by case. My wife was also dealing with severe postpartum, which also created a lot of tension between her and me, but this played into the therapy not working as well.

 

I'm hoping she sees someone else soon. She wants to, but she doesn't want someone to throw her some anti-depressants and send her on her way. She wants someone to help her put it behind her. I hope someday she's freed of it. I've always been into eastern philosophies like Buddhism, Hinduism, and Jainism. In recent weeks, for the first time in our six year relationship, she hoarded up with all my 40+ books on the topic, and she's trying really hard to use some of the thought processes and focus techniques to clear her mind. The verdict's still out, but I'm proud of her for trying.

 

Btw, her mother's past is very much a mystery. My wife's father committed suicide when she was around 5 or 6, and her mother threw away the suicide letter to my wife which other relatives say was a very sad and heartfelt apology for leaving her. Now she'll never know what he said. That's just an example of the weird mental abuse her mother kept using against her since she was a child. We don't know who raised my wife's mother, because apparently she was adopted by a relative. So there could be a very vicious history there, but we don't know. I suspect serious abuse and possibly incest. But that's just speculation.

Edited January 10, 2013 by MrWindupBird

[loredo21]

She's gone to therapy, but she didn't really trust the therapists after a while. She felt the woman was a little too simplistic in her views—like she had sort of a formula to fix everyone instead of taking it case by case. My wife was also dealing with severe postpartum, which also created a lot of tension between her and me, but this played into the therapy not working as well.

 

I'm hoping she sees someone else soon. She wants to, but she doesn't want someone to throw her some anti-depressants and send her on her way. She wants someone to help her put it behind her. I hope someday she's freed of it. I've always been into eastern philosophies like Buddhism, Hinduism, and Jainism. In recent weeks, for the first time in our six year relationship, she hoarded up with all my 40+ books on the topic, and she's trying really hard to use some of the thought processes and focus techniques to clear her mind. The verdict's still out, but I'm proud of her for trying.

 

Btw, her mother's past is very much a mystery. My wife's father committed suicide when she was around 5 or 6, and her mother threw away the suicide letter to my wife which other relatives say was a very sad and heartfelt apology for leaving her. Now she'll never know what he said. That's just an example of the weird mental abuse her mother kept using against her since she was a child. We don't know who raised my wife's mother, because apparently she was adopted by a relative. So there could be a very vicious history there, but we don't know. I suspect serious abuse and possibly incest. But that's just speculation.

 

 

MrWindUpBird:

I would love to recommend a book for your wife. (if she doesn't have it already) I am also into the Buddhist philosophy. Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach was a life changer for me. I think she could greatly benefit from this book. It covers trauma and how to deal with it. Maybe Buy it for her.

I would also recommend getting her into Yoga if she isn't already. I have found soooo much peace in Yoga and Meditation. It's unbelievable.

I also had PPD. It sucks.

I am sorry she has to go through this pain.

[MrWindupBird]

MrWindUpBird:

I would love to recommend a book for your wife. (if she doesn't have it already) I am also into the Buddhist philosophy. Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach was a life changer for me. I think she could greatly benefit from this book. It covers trauma and how to deal with it. Maybe Buy it for her.

I would also recommend getting her into Yoga if she isn't already. I have found soooo much peace in Yoga and Meditation. It's unbelievable.

I also had PPD. It sucks.

I am sorry she has to go through this pain.

 

I'll buy it for her today. Thank you so much. That's really helpful and great.

 

I used to do ashtanga yoga myself until I got a little lazy when she got pregnant. I've been wanting to get back into it, though. And I agree about the peace it brings. It's like a busy quiet. It's quiet and peaceful, but it's busy too so it's hard to get distracted.

[Got it]

She's gone to therapy, but she didn't really trust the therapists after a while. She felt the woman was a little too simplistic in her views—like she had sort of a formula to fix everyone instead of taking it case by case. My wife was also dealing with severe postpartum, which also created a lot of tension between her and me, but this played into the therapy not working as well.

 

I'm hoping she sees someone else soon. She wants to, but she doesn't want someone to throw her some anti-depressants and send her on her way. She wants someone to help her put it behind her. I hope someday she's freed of it. I've always been into eastern philosophies like Buddhism, Hinduism, and Jainism. In recent weeks, for the first time in our six year relationship, she hoarded up with all my 40+ books on the topic, and she's trying really hard to use some of the thought processes and focus techniques to clear her mind. The verdict's still out, but I'm proud of her for trying.

 

Btw, her mother's past is very much a mystery. My wife's father committed suicide when she was around 5 or 6, and her mother threw away the suicide letter to my wife which other relatives say was a very sad and heartfelt apology for leaving her. Now she'll never know what he said. That's just an example of the weird mental abuse her mother kept using against her since she was a child. We don't know who raised my wife's mother, because apparently she was adopted by a relative. So there could be a very vicious history there, but we don't know. I suspect serious abuse and possibly incest. But that's just speculation.

 

I understand, dMM was very suspicious of therapists and didn't like the one he initially talked to after his divorce. My mom was in therapy most of my life for depression so I have been very accepting of therapy but do not feel it is a one size fits all or a cure all but a tool that can be helpful. I wanted to us to do CC as well as him getting IC during our affair so he could work through the best outcome for him. I wanted him to do what would make him happy and that didn't mean end the marriage necessarily but limbo is not happy making.

 

So I got him to go to therapy and we just tried out a few therapist. I asked it as a favor to me, for us, and see how he got along with them. We found one lady he clicked with and went as just CC and after he felt comfortable with her started using her as his IC.

 

I would recommend, if your wife can vet some therapists, there are different schools of thought so finding one that messes best with her. There are abuse survivor forums where people will recommend different types of therapy to give her a starting off point.

 

I don't envy her position. All that she can see is right now it is still holding her prisoner and she deserves so much more. He doesn't deserve to hold that prominent place in her life.

[MrWindupBird]

I understand, dMM was very suspicious of therapists and didn't like the one he initially talked to after his divorce. My mom was in therapy most of my life for depression so I have been very accepting of therapy but do not feel it is a one size fits all or a cure all but a tool that can be helpful. I wanted to us to do CC as well as him getting IC during our affair so he could work through the best outcome for him. I wanted him to do what would make him happy and that didn't mean end the marriage necessarily but limbo is not happy making.

 

So I got him to go to therapy and we just tried out a few therapist. I asked it as a favor to me, for us, and see how he got along with them. We found one lady he clicked with and went as just CC and after he felt comfortable with her started using her as his IC.

 

I would recommend, if your wife can vet some therapists, there are different schools of thought so finding one that messes best with her. There are abuse survivor forums where people will recommend different types of therapy to give her a starting off point.

 

I don't envy her position. All that she can see is right now it is still holding her prisoner and she deserves so much more. He doesn't deserve to hold that prominent place in her life.

 

I hope his therapy is going well. I sought out a psychiatrist last year for my indecisiveness at school and my terrible distractibility. It can help if the right one comes along.

 

And I agree totally. I try to be a problem solver in our life, and I see that she hates the dominion her abuser holds over her. It even bleeds into our sex life. She admits that sometimes her mind warps back to the abuse when we're together. It sometimes hurts that not only is she not thinking about me, but she's in a violent and abused state of mind.

 

It's actually one of the things that made our affair so meaningful to her when I was in my first marriage. The danger and impulsiveness of our affair together allowed her to blank out from her abuse, and it made our connection very deep and addictive for her. Now that life is quiet, and we're married, it's seeped back in.

 

But I always try to tell her that nothing is more empowering than saying it happened but it won't happen again. It's just something we try to work through. And I would like her to go back and see another therapist. She wants too, as well. I could see her start the search up again in the next few months.

[wisernow]

I was not going to reply to this thread because it brings back memories I'd rather not re-visit. But, since all that have responded have been so forthcoming and I am just an unknown persona here, I figured, what the hell.

 

I was adopted as a child, and really never fit in with my adoptive family. I think things would have fared better for me had the adoptive parents not gone on to have (what they really wanted) a biological child. Anyway, when I was age 11 my grandfather started "messing" with me. Just touching me, having me touch him. By age 12 he had raped me repeatedly. I tried telling my adoptive mother, but I wasn't believed and was basically called a liar, and told to never speak of it to anyone else. The abuse stopped abruptly after that. So, I'm sure there must have been some confrontation, though I wasn't privy to it.

 

Into my teens and early 20's, I was a very promiscuous and angry girl/woman. I married the first (older) man that professed any sort of "love" or affection to me. Big disaster, ended in divorce.

 

EA with MM came much later in life. I'm now in my mid 40's. I have no idea if my abuse as a child contributed to my getting involved with a mm, but I do think abuse made me impulsive, prone to addiction, angry, and distrusting of most.

 

Abuse at any age is a horrible thing, but when inflicted on a child, the damage is a life long. Anyway, I've done the therapy route, made peace with myself, (kids blame themselves), divorced my adoptive family (years ago), and just press on. It's all about survival.

[loredo21]

I was not going to reply to this thread because it brings back memories I'd rather not re-visit. But, since all that have responded have been so forthcoming and I am just an unknown persona here, I figured, what the hell.

 

I was adopted as a child, and really never fit in with my adoptive family. I think things would have fared better for me had the adoptive parents not gone on to have (what they really wanted) a biological child. Anyway, when I was age 11 my grandfather started "messing" with me. Just touching me, having me touch him. By age 12 he had raped me repeatedly. I tried telling my adoptive mother, but I wasn't believed and was basically called a liar, and told to never speak of it to anyone else. The abuse stopped abruptly after that. So, I'm sure there must have been some confrontation, though I wasn't privy to it.

 

Into my teens and early 20's, I was a very promiscuous and angry girl/woman. I married the first (older) man that professed any sort of "love" or affection to me. Big disaster, ended in divorce.

 

EA with MM came much later in life. I'm now in my mid 40's. I have no idea if my abuse as a child contributed to my getting involved with a mm, but I do think abuse made me impulsive, prone to addiction, angry, and distrusting of most.

 

Abuse at any age is a horrible thing, but when inflicted on a child, the damage is a life long. Anyway, I've done the therapy route, made peace with myself, (kids blame themselves), divorced my adoptive family (years ago), and just press on. It's all about survival.

 

I'm glad you found the courage to speak out! And even more glad you have made peace with it! I so agree with this "but I do think abuse made me impulsive, prone to addiction, angry, and distrusting of most." the most. me too!

[loredo21]

Excuse me? I thought this thread was an experiment on how being sexually abused leads to infidelity.

 

High horse? Nope. Sorry if you feel inferior because I know cheating is wrong.

 

You are completely condescending.

And no I don't feel inferior. I KNOW cheating is wrong. And I did it. People make mistakes. And I could hardly compare my mistake to the abuse and trauma of an innocent child.

I am all about differing opinions and good or constructive criticism, but you are just downright bitter and mean. You must be a BS. That's NOT who this poll was intended for. sorry.

[SunshineToday]

fOW, fWS, & fBS = me!

 

And I grew up in a super happy loving home with both of my parents who are both still alive and married today.

 

And I do kind of get where amaysngrace is coming from. It appears one is trying to correlate abuse and cheating. And I don't think you can do that.

[neveragain34]

It's so hard reading all of these posts. It's a poll I wish no one could have answered "yes" to... :/ What a sick world we live in.

I haven't made complete peace with my situation. I pushed it so far out of my memory for so long that I never properly dealt with it. Only now that all of these issues have developed in my adult life have I decided it is time to make peace with it. The hardest part for me will be wondering why I was the only one. I grew up with 7 siblings in the house. 4 of us girls. (and although I've only asked my 1 sister, I can only assume opportunity-wise he wouldn't have had the chance to hurt any of the others)...This was a family member who came to stay with us every summer as a child. So every summer I knew what to expect. I knew what was going to be happening those 3 months out of the year. But I was too scared to tell. My mom still does not know. Thankfully over the years my family has disowned him for other reasons so never have to see him.

Hopefully this can be therapeutic for me and I can start to heal my wounds. I so appreciate everyone's support. <3

 

I'm sorry you had to go through this and never tell anyone or get therapy right after. For the most part, I think the victims of abuse that have healthy relationships in the future are the ones that had a trusted adult to help them through it and get the therapy they needed at the time, not in adulthood. I was molested several times when I was around 5 years old by a teenage boy who attended the same in-home daycare as I did (she took in foster kids also; he was a foster kid, not me). I finally told my mom one day and the next day he was done. That was it. My mom never mentioned it again or had me go to counseling of any sort. It was swept under the rug for reasons I'll never know. I'm 34 now and we've never talked about it since but I am starting to see how it really did affect me. My relationship with my mother is strained but I don't think she thinks so. Even though I do love her, I have trouble vocalizing the words I love you to her and I don't feel comfortable hugging her either. I am affectionate with everyone else in my family and in relationships; just not my mother.

[MrWindupBird]

I don't think that's it MrWindUp, I think it's more like the thread was going in a direction: "Oh they were abused in past?---that's why they cheated."

 

And we all know that doesn't mean crap--abused or not abused. All cheaters (including myself) made that choice. And we ALL have varied troublesome things in our pasts, I'll just bet.

 

There are many people who were abused and cheated. Just because it correlates doesn't excuse it. There is no excuse. But we can still talk about it.

 

And your friend was absolutely equating cheaters with child molesters and rapists. Saying she sees them the same way, and they both hurt children, is putting them in the same category. If you disagree with that, despite it being right there on your screen to read, then there's not much more to say.

 

Have a lovely afternoon.

[wisernow]

Well, hell. I regret posting at all. To be clear. I never said or implied that my abuse led me to cheat. Just want to go on the record. I do take full responsibility for my actions, and certainly don't blame anything but my poor choices. Maybe some here that posted do equate/blame their A's on abuse, though I don't remember reading that, but I do not! Just to be clear!

[loredo21]

Well, hell. I regret posting at all. To be clear. I never said or implied that my abuse led me to cheat. Just want to go on the record. I do take full responsibility for my actions, and certainly don't blame anything but my poor choices. Maybe some here that posted do equate/blame their A's on abuse, though I don't remember reading that, but I do not! Just to be clear!

 

Wisernow,

Please don't regret posting! I think there are so many here for wonderful support and it took a lot for you to share your story! Don't let one (or two) bad apples spoil the bunch, so to speak.

hugs!

[shame_on_me]

My exow was not sexually abused nor has daddy issues. I think people on these forums analyse things to much.

[eleanorrigby]

I was molested by my stepfather and I became a BS. I wonder if there is a correlation.

[loredo21]

My exow was not sexually abused nor has daddy issues. I think people on these forums analyse things to much.

 

maybe she was and you don't know. i held mine in for over a decade! what makes you think she just didn't open up that side to you? there are people on here that had never been abused and have been the OW so i'm not saying it's impossible, but you may just not know the truth.

[loredo21]

I was molested by my stepfather and I became a BS. I wonder if there is a correlation.

 

again. touche. i am so sorry for your abuse and for the A you had to experience.

[2sure]

I have never until this thread, in all my time and posts here, shared that I was sexually abused in any detail because...well, although it effected most of my life, I don't like talking about it.

 

But I mentioned it here because the OP asked a sincere question and I think for those of us asking ourselves questions...the answers could be enlightening ...or not. But it's a solid and valuable thread when we keep to the spirit of the question . I don't want to murk this up, it could be important.