Sunshine87 Posted January 9, 2013 Share Posted January 9, 2013 (edited) Do you believe that an affair with a married man or woman could inadvertently help the marriage? For example if the marriage lacks passion, the OM/OW by filling this vacuum, makes the MM/MW happy/provides some form of escape from the hardships and realities of the marriage. Subsequently,the MM/MW returns home to his/her safe haven (I.e the marriage) and runs back to the OM/OW for another dose of passion, ego boosts, affection etc. If this true, does this provide another incentive for breaking up an affair with a MM/MW? ...and allowing him/her to actually confront the problems in the marriage, evaluate the severity of the challenges they face and make a decision about whether or not to continue the marriage as opposed to "using" the OM/OW as a temporary fix to the marital problems? Put another way, does an affair(aka eating your cake and having it) provide a disincentive for leaving the marriage? Edited January 9, 2013 by Sunshine87 3 Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted January 9, 2013 Share Posted January 9, 2013 A blow up doll, a hand and porn are martial aids. An AP is an escape from the mundane life of marriage. It is a fantasy and nothing more. And yes any person that can cake eat will do so. It is only when they are confronted with the horrible reality of their actions that they can begin to work on the martial issues. And this cannot be accomplished while in the midst of an affair. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted January 9, 2013 Share Posted January 9, 2013 Absolutely! A non troubling A to a AP not intending to divorce is a calorie free dessert store to a person who diets. It only lasts as long as both AP don't want more than an A. Then it's a fight to keep the status quo, bs each part enough so everything stays the same. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted January 9, 2013 Share Posted January 9, 2013 Do you believe that an affair with a married man or woman could inadvertently help the marriage? For example if the marriage lacks passion, the OM/OW by filling this vacuum, makes the MM/MW happy/provides some form of escape from the hardships and realities of the marriage. Subsequently,the MM/MW returns home to his/her safe haven (I.e the marriage) and runs back to the OM/OW for another dose of passion, ego boosts, affection etc. If this true, does this provide another incentive for breaking up an affair with a MM/MW? ...and allowing him/her to actually confront the problems in the marriage, evaluate the severity of the challenges they face and make a decision about whether or not to continue the marriage as opposed to "using" the OM/OW as a temporary fix to the marital problems? Put another way, does an affair(aka eating your cake and having it) provide a disincentive for leaving the marriage? Having been the OW, I can only speak from my perspective. I do not believe that being in the A helped the MM's marriage. Given that the A is a breeding ground for deciet, it offered nothing beneficial to his commitments. I do see that it benefited him personally though, and no, I don't believe he has any incentive to leave his marriage. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted January 9, 2013 Share Posted January 9, 2013 Having been the OW, I can only speak from my perspective. I do not believe that being in the A helped the MM's marriage. Given that the A is a breeding ground for deciet, it offered nothing beneficial to his commitments. I do see that it benefited him personally though, and no, I don't believe he has any incentive to leave his marriage. Yup. An A benefits the MM and NOT the M. Those in doubt should inform their MM that are going to tell the BS about this marital aid. Do note the MM's expression. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted January 9, 2013 Share Posted January 9, 2013 Do you believe that an affair with a married man or woman could inadvertently help the marriage? For example if the marriage lacks passion, the OM/OW by filling this vacuum, makes the MM/MW happy/provides some form of escape from the hardships and realities of the marriage. Subsequently,the MM/MW returns home to his/her safe haven (I.e the marriage) and runs back to the OM/OW for another dose of passion, ego boosts, affection etc. If this true, does this provide another incentive for breaking up an affair with a MM/MW? ...and allowing him/her to actually confront the problems in the marriage, evaluate the severity of the challenges they face and make a decision about whether or not to continue the marriage as opposed to "using" the OM/OW as a temporary fix to the marital problems? Put another way, does an affair(aka eating your cake and having it) provide a disincentive for leaving the marriage? I've heard this before from WS (both MM and MW) during their As. They saw it as allowing them to remain in the M, thus the lesser of two evils toward their spouse. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted January 9, 2013 Share Posted January 9, 2013 I think it depends on how you define help and from who's point of view. I think it can "help" in the following manners: 1. Keep someone in the marriage longer by having their needs met in different places. 2. Make the MP happier by having their needs met. Do I think the BS will feel that it was helpful. Probably not. Maybe one who would see it as keeping said spouse there but that is a stretch. So . . . depends. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Catplates Posted January 9, 2013 Share Posted January 9, 2013 NO. It allowed xMM to ignore the issues in his marriage. He simply replaced them with another interest... an A. He neglected his family in order to spend more time on the A. He was the only party ultimately who reaped any benefit. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Summer Breeze Posted January 9, 2013 Share Posted January 9, 2013 It never helped DMM because I wasn't very typical. I set boundaries that probably kept him on edge more than I ever realized. That was his problem though because he agreed to everything and he lived with the consequences. I don't think in general they're any sort of help to a M at all. I always scratch my head when I read that. Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted January 9, 2013 Share Posted January 9, 2013 Do you believe that an affair with a married man or woman could inadvertently help the marriage? Maybe only in the cheating spouses mind as long as the betrayed spouse is lied to, deceived, manipulated, and brainwashed. OR, the betrayed spouse simply wouldn't give a crap if the WS gets it on the side. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted January 9, 2013 Share Posted January 9, 2013 It can certainly help extend the life of a failing marriage. Likewise a 'near miss' or even a D-day can cause the spouses to reconnect and rejuvenate where they might not otherwise have done. Most wouldn't choose to go the affair route, but that doesn't mean it can't be a positive catalyst, whether the marriage survives or not. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stevie_23 Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 Yes I definitely do. Though it depends how much the guilt counteracts any positives from an affair. I have a close friend who has been happily married (and yes, he IS happy) for 20 years. Yet he also has an online girlfriend who he’s been with over 2 years, AND he has casual online sex with other people too. He is asexual and sees it as exploring his sexuality and having some fun while doing it. His online girlfriend wants him all to herself but he has told her up front this can never happen. His wife knows about his online actions and while she doesn’t like it, she sees it doesn’t affect their marriage or his interactions with her. He strongly believes no one person should be expected to be everything to another person. You don’t just have one friend who satisfies all your friendship needs, so why should it be any different in an intimate relationship? I get his point, but…I (and a lot of other people I think) am not able to have ANY interest in anyone else intimately if I am truly happy and in love with someone. I simply don’t want anyone else. However, that said, if you are with someone and it’s been a long time and the passion has faded but you still love them and are generally happy being with them, I do think bringing some passion back into your life even if it’s unrelated to the long term relationship can make you a happier more “alive” person, which does in turn tend to help the long term relationship also. Happy wife, happy life, so to speak, if you know what I mean. I found when I was happiest with my recent-ex, I was also able to be a better partner to my real life long term partner. When things were not good with my ex, I found I lacked motivation to be a good partner in my real life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GreyhoundtoNowhere Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 I had been struggling in my marriage for about 2 years before I entered into the A with MM. And I say this completely ashamed, but I really and truly didn't think think about walking away from my marriage at that point. MM filled the voids. And it was easy to stay married, because all of the things I did still have with my exH were good. And MM was my escape. It wasn't until a (kind of D-Day) where MM said he was going NC (that lasted about 3 weeks) where I realized just how screwed up I was for staying in my M. I confessed to my H the day MM told me he was going NC. And then the days I woke up and was more upset and hurt about ending my A with MM instead of what I did to my H and how he was feeling-- was when I realized it was time to end my M. It was only right to my H. .... so.... in a way, the A did end up being the catalyst I needed to do the right thing (for once) by my H and let him go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 It does seem like married people having affairs end up having more sex with their spouse as well. Kind of like having sex makes you think about sex so you want more sex so you have more sex. So, thats a good thing for the marriage and could in theory bring a couple closer. But usually a married AP having sex with both the AP and their spouse ends up telling both partners lies so that creates distance of course. Affairs make the married AP feel good about themselves in having both, but that doesn't make the marriage happier, it just makes them happier. Another round about way of justifying cheating. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stevie_23 Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 I agree with that. I always was of the opinion that if you’re unhappy in your marriage to the point that you feel yourself being open to being interested in another person, then you should sit down and discuss that marriage after first trying to working out how you feel and what you really want. Long before you embark on any sort of relationship with anyone else. This is the fairest thing for all involved. And yet…I didn’t do this in my own situation. Ugh. Link to post Share on other sites
Washingmachine1980 Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 Yes for the short-term. No for the long-term. If you don't get caught or experience a break-up, it's wonderful to just get away from the crap. If your marriage gets better and you stop your bad behavior, the affair is still part of your history no matter what. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
movingon45 Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 Do you believe that an affair with a married man or woman could inadvertently help the marriage? For example if the marriage lacks passion, the OM/OW by filling this vacuum, makes the MM/MW happy/provides some form of escape from the hardships and realities of the marriage. Subsequently,the MM/MW returns home to his/her safe haven (I.e the marriage) and runs back to the OM/OW for another dose of passion, ego boosts, affection etc. If this true, does this provide another incentive for breaking up an affair with a MM/MW? ...and allowing him/her to actually confront the problems in the marriage, evaluate the severity of the challenges they face and make a decision about whether or not to continue the marriage as opposed to "using" the OM/OW as a temporary fix to the marital problems? Put another way, does an affair(aka eating your cake and having it) provide a disincentive for leaving the marriage? It was true for me until we had a disagreement. I think that A was never meant to last. Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 (edited) There have been PLENTY of threads about the kids and how they are impacted, or not impacted, what needs they have etc, but you need to remember, that in many cases the OW never meets the kids, so they may be fairly peripheral. In mine, it hasn't been quite like that. Kids AREN'T extremely important to a marriage. They are extremely important to a family, there's a HUGE difference. Yes, kids can be impacted by affairs. Some for the better, some for the worse, and some honestly not at all. Each situation is different. The reason for the focus on the OW/OM in this area is because this board is for support for the OW/OM, not for the family of the WS. Speaking as a parent, I don't think bringing deception and disloyalty into their home is EVER good for children. The aftermath of such betrayal may lead to a reorganization that can be good for the children, but the deception and betrayal of an affair and the atmosphere that creates in the home is not good for children. Even if the MP is a masterful liar, it is still not good for the children. An authentic, honest, stable, loving home without subterfuge is what is good for children. Edited January 12, 2013 by woinlove 4 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 13, 2013 Share Posted January 13, 2013 By the very vows taken regarding marriage it IS about fidelity. Therefore saying an affair aides a marriage by essentially undermining it but making one spouse happier is kind of like saying: "Health Care costs reached an all-time low. We decided to kill the patients." It doesn't really compute. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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