Why do I have the urge to act pitiful around her?

[blackheart]

The very brief version of our life. Married eight years. She left me for someone else. Didn't work out of her. Got divorced. We tried again. She left me again for someone else.

 

Now I find myself thinking of acting pathetic around her. Like if I cry on the phone with her or if I act all depressed around her or if I let everything fall apart around me it will somehow get her back. Or worse yet if I go back to mutilating myself. (Insert long story) Basically the way I used to deal with my depression was to carve on myself with a razor or burn myself. Ten to fifteen years ago this was a daily ritual. I don't do that anymore although the temptation still exists. She knows I used to do this (I can't exactly hide the scars). And for some reason I keep thinking about if the next time she sees me and having a nice new burn or cut out in plain site for her it will somehow get to her.

 

I'm trying to understand my motivations on this. I know it over. She has moved on again and no matter what I do or how I act, she isn't coming back and even if she did she would just cheat on me again. Yet I still find myself wanting to act like this around her.

 

Maybe I'm just trying to make her feel guilty. Though my rational mind no longer believes she knows the meaning of the word or else she wouldn't have kept cheating on me.

[blackheart]

Actually on further thought I keep thinking of acting two ways around her. The way I described or acting very angry.

 

Unfortunately I have no choice but to see her twice a week. I've got primary custody of the kids but she gets them on weekends for visitation so there is some contact every Friday and Sunday. I haven't spoken to her since last Sunday night which is when I got confirmation of what I had suspected (she left me the most recent time for someone else again). I went from crying to outright rage in that conversation before she hung on me. (My kids when they got home brought up mom's boyfriend so I called her to find out what they were talking about).

 

Tomorrow I think I'll just avoid talking to her at all if I can. Unfortunately the children's school starts in a week so I think we'll be forced to talk. Right now I'm still so angry that I don't think I'll acting pathetic. But what I'm afraid of is that after the inevitable hostility that will exist between us tomorrow night that I'll break down later and call her and then be pathetic.

 

I think more than anything is that I want her to hurt. I want to her to feel bad, even if or just a second, for having three affairs on me in eight years. For hurting me like she did. I think I'm hoping that for even a second I can make her feel a fraction of the pain she has caused me.

[Velveteel]

God, I hear you. What you're feeling is completely understandable. You've been hurt and betrayed, and you still love this woman, and you still want her back. It's just that your plans won't work. If she sees you "pathetic," she might feel pity for a minute. That won't get you back together. If she sees you "angry," she may feel scared of you. If you have primary custody of the children, and want to keep that, don't rage at her, ever.

 

You want to influence this situation in some way, and you probably can't. What you can do is show so much strength, dignity, and composure that she'll wonder why she ever left you. Be a man. A complete man. When you speak to her or cross paths, be calm and considerate. Rise above it all. Concentrate on being a great dad, and never badmouthing their mother to your kids. When you need to vent, bring it here.

 

Keep up the act until it becomes real, and you wake up with your arms around your next girlfriend.

[Ybur]

Your behaviour is driving her away from you. And, the last thing you want is for her to think about you and think about a weak, pathetic little person. Change. This will be very hard, and even if it is gonna take a lot of acting, you have to come across as this confident person with strength of character. Make it look like you are absolutely fine without her.

She must believe that you have now realised that you do not need her in your life and you have realised that there is life without this woman and it is treating you well! Do not be pathetic on the phone anymore, even if you want to. Even if you want to beg and threaten and do all sorts of things which inevitably makes you come across as less confidant and undesirable to her, do not do this. You said it yourself, its not helping. Show her something new. When you see her again she must see that something is different. But do not overdo it, when she realises that its an act, then this effort would be in vain.

 

 

Its not about getting her back, take revenge in another way. Make her think that she walked out on a fabulous and amazing guy. When it goes awry in the other relationship she needs to think,"jeez, what am I missing out on!" And when she wants to return, do not make it easy for her to do so.

 

I understand your rage, Believe me, I do know what you are talking about. She needs to suffer in the same way that you are suffering now, she needs to feel your pain. She needs to feel the results of her own actions towards you. Do not show her your rage. Do not harm yourself because of the actions of this woman. Do feel pain but do not let her exercise that kind of control over you. Get the control back. Not for yourself, not for the sake of getting her back, but for your children. You have to be 100% together to the ones who loves you and needs you the most, believe me, if given a choice you will choose your children above this woman. You need to feel this and act accordingly.

[blackheart]

Both of you made so much sense.

 

Neither way I was thinking of would in the long run do anything to get her back. I don't want her back. I mean I do but I want the idealized version of her back. The version of her that didn't cheat on me. And that version is just a fantasy of mine.

 

But moving on and being a better person would be the best way to get revenge. And it would be the best for me too. Not my ideal solution but I realize in my sane moments that my ideal solution is a fairy tale.

[Ybur]

I am completely with you. Was in the same boat as you, jeez, things were really bad for me. And I too want the ideal fantasy version of this person. So why do I miss him so, what exactly is it that I miss. It cant be the person who is was so utterly cruel to me, the person who cared nothing for my feelings, the person who cheats on me, the person who cheated on me and made someone else pregnant while I was carrying his baby! etc, etc, this cannot be what I miss, because this is exactly what and who he is. I am inlove with someone or something else, inlove with the person who I met years ago before I really knew what kind of trash he is, that is who I am inlove with and that person does not exist. Fact is he has always been like this, even before I met him and I just never knew it. So now he claims its been a mistake and he is sorry. Thats one hell of a mistake to make. One that I'll never forgive. So I have a baby with him, so its hard, gonna be harder if I persist with the relationship at the end of the day, I will end up in a mental institution and my baby without both of her parents. So I thought, exactly the advise that I have given you, this little person here needs me more than anything in the world, she loves me more than anything in the world and I am all she knows. And she is all that I need, I need nothing else. And that helps me get through it. Its not even as hard as I thought it'll be. Just inlove with a fantasy. And the moment that I realised that, didnt make the hurt any less, but it gave me a whole lot of perspective. And just the smile of that little baby alone, helps lessen the torment.

 

All of the best and good luck in all of your future endeavours!

[supermom]

You want to influence this situation in some way, and you probably can't. What you can do is show so much strength, dignity, and composure that she'll wonder why she ever left you. Be a man. A complete man. When you speak to her or cross paths, be calm and considerate. Rise above it all. Concentrate on being a great dad, and never badmouthing their mother to your kids. When you need to vent, bring it here.

 

 

This is the advise I was going to give, which is more of a "turn on" and she will wonder why you are so happy (secret gf? let her wonder)

 

When you think you'll want her back just think of the fact she left you twice for another man, you will never have your wife back completely, and if you did get back together, do you want to wonder the rest of your life where she's been ( literally).

 

Good luck