gapeach0813 Posted January 9, 2013 Share Posted January 9, 2013 Back in april of last year my fiance found out that i cheated on him...i had met this guy through my cousin when my fiance and i were split up but when we decided to work things out and b a family again i (stupidly) didnt break things off with the other guy and continued to talk to him and had sex with him a couple of times while living with my fiance. He decided to take me back and we would work on our relationship. Now, in the beginning my fiance and i were gettin along great, communicating effectively and more in love than we've been in a long time...well here we are 9 months later and he told me he doesnt forgive me for what i've done and he doesnt trust me (which is understandable, i knw once broken, trust is hard to regain). Im not the kind of woman to show emotion or dig deep and open up about my feelings toward him, it makes me feel weak (i realize how stupid this sounds and i'll probly regret putting this in here). I know what our problems are and i knw how to fix them Im just having a hard time expressing myself to him. HELP! Link to post Share on other sites
NoMagicBullet Posted January 9, 2013 Share Posted January 9, 2013 Couple's counseling. You two really need to go if you are going to make this relationship work. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author gapeach0813 Posted January 9, 2013 Author Share Posted January 9, 2013 believe me we've thought about it but we're not financially able to go to a counselor right now...he says it would be better if i were to communicate with him more effectively which i'll admit we havent been on the same page lately and things between us have been distant and a little awkward. do u think open communication and making an effort to spend more alone time together would help? Link to post Share on other sites
NoMagicBullet Posted January 9, 2013 Share Posted January 9, 2013 Ah, finances. Understandable. Other alternatives you could look into would be any community programs or classes (low or no fee) aimed at helping couples communicate better, or perhaps classes or sessions through a local church or other religious organization. Of course, that depends on where you live and what your religious views are, but there is stuff like that out there. Barring that, there are self-help books, but I really hesitate to suggest that. Many self-help books are just the author's opinions stated as facts, and even if they have credentials like a PhD, some of those credentials aren't worth the paper they're printed on. I would recommend books and materials from here: Gottman Relationship Institute. Gottman's research team started out doing academic research observing couples and how they interacted. Eventually they found patterns to it, and got good enough to predict which couples would stay together and which would breakup. Communication -- and how they communicated -- was the main factor. So although I have not used any of their materials, I recommend them on the basis that this organization has done a lot of research on the issue, and to the best of my knowledge, the validity of their conclusions has not been disputed. Alone time is good, but if communication is the issue, then how you spend that time communicating might be more important than the quantity of time itself. Let's face it -- if you two are just watching a movie together, you are not talking to each other. The thing is, here on an internet forum, none of us can observe how you and your fiance interact, and thus cannot suggest specific ways to improve your communication. So please don't expect too much from us on LS because of that. I do hope that the above ideas for resources are useful, though. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted January 9, 2013 Share Posted January 9, 2013 You want to recover from your affair, then you have to learn how. Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. Is there 100% NC between you and the OM? Have you tod your BF the whole truth about the affair? Does your cousin know you cheated on your BF with their friend? Does your cousin know that you and BF can not socialize with them whenever OM is present? Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted January 9, 2013 Share Posted January 9, 2013 You were living with him and having sex on the side with another guy? I think it would be difficult to marry someone who did this to him. If the roles were exactly reversed would you still wish to marry him? How did he find out. Were you honest and upfront with him? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author gapeach0813 Posted January 9, 2013 Author Share Posted January 9, 2013 (edited) yes i was honest with him and he said he loves me and wants to be with me and we'll work it out but thats proven to be easier said than done, we spent a lot of time together communicating and just enjoying each others company but its like the shock of the affair has worn off and now the reality of it is staring us in the face and we're having a hard time getting past it. I'm willing to do anything to make him trust me again, I admitted my mistakes and apologized and have since realized that he is the most important thing to me and i no longer question our relationship like i did before, not trying to justify my behavior because its unexcusable...and yes there is absolutely 100% no contact between me and this other person, i've even deleted my facebook account and changed my phone number, i dont go around any people that would cause conflict between me and my fiance and ive been absolutely honest about everything with him, anything he wants to know i tell him so there r no more secrets between us. Edited January 9, 2013 by gapeach0813 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 yes i was honest with him and he said he loves me and wants to be with me and we'll work it out but thats proven to be easier said than done, we spent a lot of time together communicating and just enjoying each others company but its like the shock of the affair has worn off and now the reality of it is staring us in the face and we're having a hard time getting past it. I'm willing to do anything to make him trust me again, I admitted my mistakes and apologized and have since realized that he is the most important thing to me and i no longer question our relationship like i did before, not trying to justify my behavior because its unexcusable...and yes there is absolutely 100% no contact between me and this other person, i've even deleted my facebook account and changed my phone number, i dont go around any people that would cause conflict between me and my fiance and ive been absolutely honest about everything with him, anything he wants to know i tell him so there r no more secrets between us. It surprises me how frequently I read a story like this. From my perspective, any man who wouldn't dump his girl in this situation is asking for all the hurt she's going to cause him. But maybe your case will be different. I do have a legitimate question for you that I hope you will answer honestly. Will you really respect your fiancé as a man of character if he takes you back and goes forward with the wedding? Won't you secretly know you can have sex with whoever you want and your wimpy husband will "get over it"? Doesn't this fact have you planning your next tryst right now? It seems you have laid the groundwork for a horrible marriage and I can't believe either of you want to go through with it. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
CptSaveAho Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 It surprises me how frequently I read a story like this. From my perspective, any man who wouldn't dump his girl in this situation is asking for all the hurt she's going to cause him. But maybe your case will be different. I do have a legitimate question for you that I hope you will answer honestly. Will you really respect your fiancé as a man of character if he takes you back and goes forward with the wedding? Won't you secretly know you can have sex with whoever you want and your wimpy husband will "get over it"? Doesn't this fact have you planning your next tryst right now? It seems you have laid the groundwork for a horrible marriage and I can't believe either of you want to go through with it. Someone gets it!!!!!! Finally The relationship is toast... people cheat for this very reason... its an easy out of a relationship 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 believe me we've thought about it but we're not financially able to go to a counselor right now...he says it would be better if i were to communicate with him more effectively which i'll admit we havent been on the same page lately and things between us have been distant and a little awkward. do u think open communication and making an effort to spend more alone time together would help? So it's a question of stubbornness? The best counselling is two people sitting down in a room and talking honestly, no BS, just being open. What is stopping you from sitting your boyfriend down and honestly telling him how you feel? Is it weakness if you truly love someone to try and work things out? Betrayal is an awful thing to go through, so while you thought everything was well and good (you did say you were communicating better) even in those circumstances, little things can trigger the mistrust. You might have fallen back on your old ways because you are so comfortable in the relationship now. Just sit down and talk to him, both of you lay it out there, no harm in trying. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gapeach0813 Posted January 10, 2013 Author Share Posted January 10, 2013 ok everyone makes mistakes but u can also learn from them and i have, and no i'm not planning my next "tryst", i have no interest in any other men, only my fiance and i do have a newfound respect for him and our relationship that i didnt have before. I have been working hard to repair the damage that has been caused and will continue to do so whether we decide to stay together or call it quits, we have to have a relationship for the rest of our lives because we have a child and we've been best friends for 10 yrs and if we cant keep the romantic relationship alive id at least like to keep him as a close friend. Link to post Share on other sites
aed Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 ok everyone makes mistakes but u can also learn from them and i have, and no i'm not planning my next "tryst", i have no interest in any other men, only my fiance and i do have a newfound respect for him and our relationship that i didnt have before. I have been working hard to repair the damage that has been caused and will continue to do so whether we decide to stay together or call it quits, we have to have a relationship for the rest of our lives because we have a child and we've been best friends for 10 yrs and if we cant keep the romantic relationship alive id at least like to keep him as a close friend. If you dont recover from this as romantic lovers, I dont see you recover as close friends. Its easier for me as a man to sleep and date and build a relationship with a women then it is to have a very close friendship with her. When i have a very close friendship with her she is my os. When she betrays me and i cant get over that why would I stay close friends? being on speaking terms because of a child we share is different then being friends after betrayal. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 Your biggest downfall is going to be on how you are not able to open up to your boyfriend and express your feelings to him. Of course he doesn't trust you at all! To him, he probably feels that you aren't remorseful (due to your lack of emotions and feelings on the matter). He may feel like you're trying to rug sweep this whole thing. Now, you may tell me I'm wrong and that you tell him that you're remorseful and he knows it. Okay. You SAY you're remorseful, but there's a chance that he doesn't think that you FEEL remorseful. And in this instance, talk is cheap. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gapeach0813 Posted January 10, 2013 Author Share Posted January 10, 2013 our child is his, she came along way before this took place. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gapeach0813 Posted January 10, 2013 Author Share Posted January 10, 2013 our child is his, she came along way before this took place..and yeah i c where your coming from with talk is cheap, in instances like this one i need to show him that im remorseful Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 ok everyone makes mistakes You cheating wasn't a mistake. You did it because you wanted to do it. Stop trying to downplay and minimize your actions first. That will be a start. but u can also learn from them and i have, and no i'm not planning my next "tryst", i have no interest in any other men Well apparently you did, because you boffed the guy. only my fiance and i do have a newfound respect for him and our relationship that i didnt have before. I have been working hard to repair the damage that has been caused and will continue to do so whether we decide to stay together or call it quits, we have to have a relationship for the rest of our lives because we have a child and we've been best friends for 10 yrs and if we cant keep the romantic relationship alive id at least like to keep him as a close friend. Ok first you have to realize what is going on in his head. Nobody can tell you what that is exactly, but we have a pretty good idea. As a man that was cheated on, and I'm sure MOST men here can agree, what is going on in your fiance's head is the visions of you bouncing up and down on another man's member. Sorry to put it that way, but thats what he is envisioning. And that will never go away, it can only be less frequent as time goes on. He is imagining you being pleasured by another guy. So now that you know what he is more than likely thinking, what do you plan to do to help him with that? And no, lying and saying you didn't enjoy it he will see right through if he is thinking clearly. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 You want to recover from your affair, then you have to learn how. Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. Is there 100% NC between you and the OM? Have you tod your BF the whole truth about the affair? Does your cousin know you cheated on your BF with their friend? Does your cousin know that you and BF can not socialize with them whenever OM is present? I had to bump my own post to show that you will not directly answer questions. This indicates that you will not do the hard work to recover from this affair. By the way have you ordered the book? Link to post Share on other sites
Author gapeach0813 Posted January 12, 2013 Author Share Posted January 12, 2013 no i havent had a chance to order the book, we have been talking thru things and it seems to be getting a little better, i still have a lot of work to do but i feel as long as we continue our open communication things will continue to get better. Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 Hopefully for your sake he won't decide to do to you what I did when I found out my wife cheated on me....Revenge cheat. There is nothing more satisfying than when the cheating SO looks at you, the revenge cheater, and exclaims "How could you do this to me!!!!!????" In all honesty, its over. He is already starting to resent you, its about right with the timing - 9 months later and the negativity is beginning to take over? I felt that way at about 9 months after the infidelity, then at 12 months I said eff it and got back at her, then divorced. Maybe i'm wrong, but I don't know....guess you'll find out. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 no i havent had a chance to order the book, we have been talking thru things and it seems to be getting a little better, i still have a lot of work to do but i feel as long as we continue our open communication things will continue to get better. No but you had two days to waste. Still looks as you do not want to do the work. Link to post Share on other sites
sayyes19 Posted January 15, 2013 Share Posted January 15, 2013 no i havent had a chance to order the book, we have been talking thru things and it seems to be getting a little better, i still have a lot of work to do but i feel as long as we continue our open communication things will continue to get better. What kinds of things have you been working through to make the situation better? What kind of sacrifices are you making besides not cheating anymore? Link to post Share on other sites
Author gapeach0813 Posted January 17, 2013 Author Share Posted January 17, 2013 well lets see, ive been having open communications with him and answering any questions he has honestly. Im not a big talker and feel awkward when i have to express to him how much i love him and how he makes me feel but ive been doin that just to reassure him of my feelings for him, I dont talk to anyone that may cause conflict between us and ive deleted my facebook page and changed my phone number. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gapeach0813 Posted January 17, 2013 Author Share Posted January 17, 2013 yes i will..thank you! Ive been doing a lot of reading on the internet about being patient and giving him time to heal because i know its not gona be a quick or easy process for either of us, especially him. I try to tell him at least one thing i love about him everyday just to let him know what my feelings for him are and how much i love and care about him. If i could take what i did back i definitely would because it wouldve been easier to just work on the relationship instead of bringing someone else in and causing more problems. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted January 18, 2013 Share Posted January 18, 2013 No but you had two days to waste. Still looks as you do not want to do the work. Did the book get delivered today. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gapeach0813 Posted January 18, 2013 Author Share Posted January 18, 2013 look here when i have money to order the book i will...im doin just fine without the book and learning how to fix this on my own..i only posted on here for outside perspective and advice Link to post Share on other sites
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