From one extreme to the other. LDR - LTR

[jwi71]

Yes of course I will look further into the living situation with flatmates, obviously, now that it has been bought to my attention. But I think i can probably save $800 per hour though and rather than ask a lawyer... i can ask here... New Zealand

 

Once again money...see a pattern here how lack of it is forcing this path and all the derivative decisions?

 

You won't.

 

Everything you say is true, but none of it really helps me.

 

Because what I say is counter to what you so badly want.

You want him here, you're sure its love and as such ANYONE who suggests otherwise is ignored. Just like in your first thread linked above.

 

And, actually, I gave you practical advice:

 

Hire a lawyer and pursue other options.

 

I think you are projecting alot of your personal feelings and experiences onto me as it's making you see everything very negatively.

I gather your marriage has failed? I gather it cost you alot and you haven't fully recovered yet either, right?

 

Yes - but that was YEARS ago.

I have since remarried and have a decent R with my xW.

 

I view THIS negatively because I think it is.

Sorry its not what you want to hear.

 

I think it's funny that you say things like this... "If its more or less cash neutral move out." ... what is the point of saying this? You don't like the idea of living with YOUR parents so you offer a pointless piece of advice? I will be moving out in a few weeks. You think i should do it sooner or something? I don't get the point of it. Just to say it??

 

I say that because you said you had to live with your parents at first.

If you can move out now do so and avoid the awkwardness of having your internet BF you haven't seen in 3 years move in your parents place. That is my advice to solve a problem - you are choosing to have your BF live with your parents and yourself knowing its awkwardness - even though its not strictly necessary - ie cash neutral.

 

You are just being argumentative for...some reason.

 

I understand how a bad personal experience this could darken your perception of our situation, but it doesn't mean ours is actually that black.

I guess i would rather stay positive at this stage, as there is alot to look forward to and enjoy about it too let's not forget.

 

No doubt. And much that worries you hence this thread.

My practical advice, that you don't like, is to investigate other options - even if it costs 800.00. Reasons to do so are I believe and have lived that "have to" leads to resentment and erodes a weak, if even present, foundation with your BF. So I encourage other options so its not "have to" and allow for a true "want to" situation.

 

We have tangented way off my original questions now, and I can't spend forever justifying every specific detail to someone who will only EVER see it the situation as COMPLETELY DOOMED anyway.

 

No, it's not ideal. Yes we have other options, but this is what we have chosen. This is the plan that best suits US. As individuals, and as a pair.

 

Now, i would LOVE some practical and positive ways to move forward. Do you have any of those?

 

I too grow weary of discussing this with you - especially with the personal attacks from Elswyth and yourself.

You aren't listening - and you haven't to ANYONE who says anything counter to what you want.

 

I wish you the best but I fear you picked the perfect online moniker for your situation - million to 1.

[Els]

'Personal attacks'? I think we've both been very good at avoiding that frankly. All that we're trying to explain to you is that it's going to take a lot of time to explain ALL of INZ's caveats to someone who is totally new to them, so why can't you just take it at face value that she and her SO have decided that this is the best situation?

 

Million: I like you had to make a rather unnatural progression in our R when I moved to be with him. We were very short of money too as we were both students, and due to the inherent nature and limitation of our finances we hadn't the luxury of having a nice easy 'trial' phase where we behave exactly like two people who've just started dating IRL. We don't all choose the external limitations in our lives, and while it would be nice to live our R in a vacuum world where we would need to make our every decision solely for it and never have to consider career, finance, immigration, etc... we don't. So we just gotta make the most of it.

 

I won't lie that the transition phase was hard - harder than yours will be, I'm guessing, since he lived in student accom so I had to get a place of my own, due to the crappy public transport it took us 1.5 hrs to commute to each other despite being in the same city, we tried to stay overnight at each others' place as much as possible but the accom was cramped, etc. It took its toll on us. When he finally graduated we moved out together into our own rented flat, and let me tell you that was bliss. It was actually easier than the stupid student dorm shuffle. When we moved in together, a new era of sorts dawned on our R, and suddenly, after years of ups-and-downs with LDRs and then coming here and crappy separate accoms with little privacy etc... we could just relax. We were together now. And things just smoothed themselves out, depsite the fact that neither of us had cohabitated before.

 

We've been living together for 2.5 years now and it's still been great. Have never regretted the move.

[shalisha42]

I was unsure of what sub-forum to post this in, and feel free to move it Moderator, but I guess I would like some opinions from some married and more mature people.

 

In 21 days, my boyfriend will arrive from the other side of the world and be living with me permanently. He knows 1 person other than me in my city. He is very independent and hasn't been in a LTR for many years and hasn't lived with a GF since 2007. I haven't lived with a BF since i was 22. (i'm 33 now)

 

We met 2.5 years ago while traveling and made a incredible connection. We traveled together for 6 weeks before itineraries lead us in opposite directions. The distance between our home towns was always prevalent so we just enjoyed our time together and stayed in touch, as friends, ever since.

I have had 2 other relationships since meeting him. I haven't seen him in real life since we we parted ways with our backpacks.

 

I guess some serious seeds were planted and now have sprung up and we are making the massive changes necessary in order to give a real relationship a go.

 

Anyway.. we will be in each others pockets quite a bit when he gets here and as i'm sure that will be great for the first week or two, but I know that there is also plenty of opportunity for it to all "get a bit much" and that the adjustment to being with someone alot all of a sudden is going to be challenging for both of us. We will be doing some sight seeing/ holidaying, house hunting, he will be job hunting, there's lot's to do, organise and discuss etc.

I really want this to work and I want to make sure he doesn't feel suffocated or co-dependent or whatever. I will do whatever it takes to help him through this massive life-change that he is undertaking for me.

 

I was reading on another thread about woman "moving to fast" and trying to get involved in every aspect of their mans life, over staying their welcome early in a relationship, wanting to leave toiletries in the bathroom etc... basically, as a way to feel connected and move the relationship forward, they display clingy or pushy traits which men find too much too soon.

 

As we are kinda forced into taking things like moving in together to the next level much sooner than most relationships do, I really want to be aware of not making him feel like this any more than he will anyway.

 

Any advice??

 

Yes. Do not let him move in with you. If he is independent, he should find his own place before he moves to your country/town. You are not his mother. It is not your job to get him "settled" in. You don't even know this guy. You were together 6 weeks. The rest you just stayed in touch. Why are you letting him move in? How old is he?

 

In my humble opinion, it's a bad move. It sounds like you're taking care of him already. And will he have a job here? You said he doesn't know anyone except 1 person?

[Million.to.1]

I'm sorry you feel personally attacked jwi71. Wasn't my intention. Just kinda feel like I'm trying to get a cow up a tree.

 

Again, thanks Elswyth.

I checked out about the living with flatmates thing and apparently it's more about what you can prove ..like having documents with both your names. (lease agreement, utility bills etc) and not other people living with you.

Does mean we would have to get an empty place rather than one already established though.. which is probably preferable anyway.

I will ring INZ and double check though. Apparently you can ring them directly and ask questions without having to consult a lawyer at $800 per hour.

 

Thanks shalisha. noted.

[Els]

I'm sorry you feel personally attacked jwi71. Wasn't my intention. Just kinda feel like I'm trying to get a cow up a tree.

 

Again, thanks Elswyth.

I checked out about the living with flatmates thing and apparently it's more about what you can prove ..like having documents with both your names. (lease agreement, utility bills etc) and not other people living with you.

Does mean we would have to get an empty place rather than one already established though.. which is probably preferable anyway.

I will ring INZ and double check though. Apparently you can ring them directly and ask questions without having to consult a lawyer at $800 per hour.

 

Oh, you definitely can. I've spent maybe a total of 10 hours with them on the phone over the past couple of years. Unfortunately 9 of them were spent waiting. But they did give me good answers. Immigration lawyers are for people who have encountered complications and/or need to appeal, most of the time. Doesn't hurt to try without one.