Can't give Ultimatum

[Oktobehappy]

Hello, I am a long time lurker and first time poster.

 

My story fast:

 

Met 8 years ago at work; just friends. Both married. I left the job and we lost contact for awhile. He always seemed happily married and so was I (in the office). We ran into each other about 7 months ago....

 

After a few weeks I was shocked to learn that his marriage wasn't so happy (no intimacy/sex) and I had filed for divorce due to sexless/alcholic/abusive jerk. Quite a shock to both of us since he knew my H.

 

And there you have it; spent months just chatting then turned intimate. No discussion ever of him leaving; would never in my life want him to leave for me. He has 3 kids; 1 still at home. He's a great Dad. Are we in love??? Yes...but............

 

The truth is we always had an attraction to each other but never did anything about it till now.

 

I recently told him that I couldn't do "this" anymore which breaks my heart. I miss my friend. So new to posting and have so much more to tell but I will stop now and add more when questions are asked.

 

Thank you in advance. I sincerely appreciate and questions/answers. Like I said I'm very new to this.

[MrWindupBird]

All moral ideologies aside, an affair is very chaotic and mirrors a serious addiction due to its destructive nature and unfathomable stress level it puts on all involved.

 

Your MM could very well love you. I loved both my wife as well as my OW. Some may say you can't, but I think that's arrogant and ignorant to tell someone what they can feel. I'm guessing his wife hasn't found out yet.

 

I think you should give the ultimatum and move from there. My OW got another boyfriend and told me she was leaving the state with him, to start a new life, if I didn't divorce my wife. Guess what I did. I left my wife and now I'm married to my OW. We've been together exclusively for 5 years, just got a new house, and we had kids two years ago.

 

I say make the ultimatum because your life will have some balance to it one way or another after that. My affair lasted a year, and it hurt so bad to tell my wife that I was leaving. But it was at least peaceful after that, and I think people need that.

[Oktobehappy]

Mrwind I wrote a reply and I guess its lost in cyberspace. Thank you for your help. Can you please help me with the ultimatum? What do I say to a man that has children when I do not?

[Oktobehappy]

Also can I find my original response? I was told to refresh; is it gone?

[MrWindupBird]

Mrwind I wrote a reply and I guess its lost in cyberspace. Thank you for your help. Can you please help me with the ultimatum? What do I say to a man that has children when I do not?

 

Sorry your response was lost. I hate when that happens.

 

Every situation is worlds different than the rest, but I can tell you how my then-girlfriend convinced me to leave my wife.

 

She got a new boyfriend and waited a few months to tell me about it. When I found out, I was heartbroken. I wasn't really mad, because I was married, and I can't blame someone for having two people when I had two people. She really drove it home, too, because she had grown bitter I was still with my wife. It was a rough few weeks when this happened.

 

She told me she was moving away to start a new life with him. We had always talked about starting over together, so I realized my window was almost shut, and I was going to lose this girl that I'd gone through so much just to see. I also realized another man was going to get what I'd wanted for so long, and it's a little embarrassing, but in retrospect I can admit the jealousy was a motivator.

 

The fundamental truth in struggling relationships is often this: people take people for granted. If he knows that you may be lost to the wind, then he may decide to follow you no matter what. He also may decide the opposite. So it's really something you have to decide for yourself. It's like a bandaid. You just have to rip it off and hope for the best. I wish you luck because I know this is very difficult. It's one of the most difficult times in my life, but the life I have now I can truly say was worth it.

[cocorico]

My own view on ultimata is that they're manipulative. If you have to force someone to make a decision they would else wise not have made, they're acting inauthentically and under duress, which creates room for resentment and does not build a sustainable base.

 

Which is very different from communicating clearly what your own demands and expectations are. Such as: I cannot continue the R while you are M / living with her / in another R.

Or: I can be your friend, or I can be your partner, but I am not prepared to be in an A.

Or: I am deeply uncomfortable,with the role I find myself in, so need to end the A. If you want to try a full-time R with me, give me a call when you are D and we can discuss it further at that point.

 

Those are very different to saying, "if you don't leave her, I will dump you".

[MrWindupBird]

My own view on ultimata is that they're manipulative. If you have to force someone to make a decision they would else wise not have made, they're acting inauthentically and under duress, which creates room for resentment and does not build a sustainable base.

 

Which is very different from communicating clearly what your own demands and expectations are. Such as: I cannot continue the R while you are M / living with her / in another R.

Or: I can be your friend, or I can be your partner, but I am not prepared to be in an A.

Or: I am deeply uncomfortable,with the role I find myself in, so need to end the A. If you want to try a full-time R with me, give me a call when you are D and we can discuss it further at that point.

 

Those are very different to saying, "if you don't leave her, I will dump you".

 

You make a lot of sense in this. From my own perspective, it seems a bit like being in a vacuum, but if you can implement this way of thinking in your every day interactions, I think it could be very beneficial.

[Got it]

I disagree with giving an ultimatum as well. You need to do what is best for you and he needs to do the same. You do NOT want someone to leave a marriage solely because of you. Ending a marriage needs to be done on the merits of said marriage and their feelings tied to it. You do not want to carry the burden that his continuing happiness and contentment in life is resting on your back. So, basically, it is his baby to rock.

 

What you need to look at is what do you want. Are you happy in the affair? If not, look into yourself and look at your boundaries, priorities, and expectations. You cannot live your life waiting on someone else. If you are at a crossroads where things are more unhappy than happy, make some choices.

 

He should, all romantic partners, should be the icing on your cake, not your cake. What else is going on in your life, what hobbies, friendships, etc are being developed.

 

Decide what is best for you. You can articulate them to him but not in an "if then" statement. It is a declarative of what is best. You are going to do. . . .

 

Ultimatums are pointless if you can't follow through with them. You can internally draw your line in the sand and work towards that.

 

Do what is best for your life. Move forward. If it means away from him, if he is worthy of you he will catch up.

[jwi71]

Mrwind I wrote a reply and I guess its lost in cyberspace. Thank you for your help. Can you please help me with the ultimatum? What do I say to a man that has children when I do not?

 

An ultimatum for what?

 

Ultimatums are rarely issued from a position of strength. And in issuing one you MUST be prepared to follow through - otherwise you become weaker still.

 

So - are you trying to entice to leave?

 

What's your goal here?

[mitchell]

Ultimatum for what?

 

You stated, "would never in my life want him to leave for me. He has 3 kids; 1 still at home."

 

I'm not sure what you are asking.

 

BTW, he still loves his wife. He still has sex with his wife. Many cheaters give this same BS speach to snare a potential AP.

[Got it]

Ultimatum for what?

 

You stated, "would never in my life want him to leave for me. He has 3 kids; 1 still at home."

 

I'm not sure what you are asking.

 

BTW, he still loves his wife. He still has sex with his wife. Many cheaters give this same BS speach to snare a potential AP.

 

Really? You know this? Are you friends with him? Old chums? Or is this speculation or assumption.

 

Its like me saying I know he is not having sex with her and he hates her guts. How would I know, I don't know these people.

[SunshineToday]

After a few weeks I was shocked to learn that his marriage wasn't so happy (no intimacy/sex) and I had filed for divorce due to sexless/alcholic/abusive jerk. Quite a shock to both of us since he knew my H.

 

 

Welcome. Real quick--is it HE who is telling you his marriage isn't so happy (no intamcy/sex) ??

 

Because if you just read around here a little bit, you will see that most MMs say this to their OW. And MOST times it's not true. Just a thought.

[Oktobehappy]

I agree I need to decide for myself and although I read the suggested ultimatums they are just not for me. I really feel they are a threat which is something I don't want to do. I just have to let go.

[Oktobehappy]

My own view on ultimata is that they're manipulative. If you have to force someone to make a decision they would else wise not have made, they're acting inauthentically and under duress, which creates room for resentment and does not build a sustainable base.

 

Which is very different from communicating clearly what your own demands and expectations are. Such as: I cannot continue the R while you are M / living with her / in another R.

Or: I can be your friend, or I can be your partner, but I am not prepared to be in an A.

Or: I am deeply uncomfortable,with the role I find myself in, so need to end the A. If you want to try a full-time R with me, give me a call when you are D and we can discuss it further at that point.

 

Those are very different to saying, "if you don't leave her, I will dump you".

 

I did say to him almost exactly: I am deeply uncomfortable with the role I find myself in so I need to end A.

What else is there to say??? Nothing!! He knows how I feel. Thank you coco

[Oktobehappy]

Ultimatum for what?

 

You stated, "would never in my life want him to leave for me. He has 3 kids; 1 still at home."

 

I'm not sure what you are asking.

 

BTW, he still loves his wife. He still has sex with his wife. Many cheaters give this same BS speach to snare a potential AP.

 

I was asking for opinions on my situation where I do not want to give an ultimatum but will listen to suggestions. All responses have been very helpful and I do appreciate. But Mitch let me ask you something please. Why aren't you calling me a liar too? Is it because I already signed on the D...line??