NC the ultimate FU or indifference?

[promises]

I feel like at this point NC feels like a little bit of both to me.

 

1. A big fat FU - i.e.; We each hurt each other and it's just too painful for multiple parties to talk ever again. And, btw, FU.

 

2. Indifference. I'm moving on and you are no longer a priority.

 

There have been many threads on NC lately. Which does it feel like to you?

 

1 or 2?

[Lillyfree]

3. i miss you, wish i was ok with LC, but for my sanity i have to keep away because any contact with you hurts and is toxic.

[Sarabi]

I haven't done it yet...but I would go number 1. At least in the beginning...don't you think? After a while I suppose it would get to 2.

P.S. I'm the one who wants to release him to devote the time to his relationship that he apparently wants to save. For that he can't say FU to me...lol

[wisernow]

I feel like at this point NC feels like a little bit of both to me.

 

1. A big fat FU - i.e.; We each hurt each other and it's just too painful for multiple parties to talk ever again. And, btw, FU.

 

2. Indifference. I'm moving on and you are no longer a priority.

 

There have been many threads on NC lately. Which does it feel like to you?

 

1 or 2?

 

Promises, I know you're struggling with this, but please don't kid yourself thinking you were ever his "priority." He is with his priority, he chose his priority. I think when I was forced into NC, it felt (at the time) like a big FU, but now I don't feel that way at all. It's more like relief and peace now.

 

I promise, it gets better, and soon (in your own time) he won't matter at all.

[promises]

 

I promise, it gets better, and soon (in your own time) he won't matter at all.

 

He promised things, too. So, I'm going with #1

[Mount]

Agree, and I also don't understand how come OWs would think/treat MMs as their priorities, I can never get the mindset about this.

 

Selfishly speaking, if I choose to carry on Affair, there must be something benefiting me which myself is the top priority of course, thus I would have the relationship with MM.

 

Promises, I know you're struggling with this, but please don't kid yourself thinking you were ever his "priority." He is with his priority, he chose his priority. I think when I was forced into NC, it felt (at the time) like a big FU, but now I don't feel that way at all. It's more like relief and peace now.

 

I promise, it gets better, and soon (in your own time) he won't matter at all.

[promises]

Agree, and I also don't understand how come OWs would think/treat MMs as their priorities, I can never get the mindset about this.

 

Selfishly speaking, if I choose to carry on Affair, there must be something benefiting me which myself is the top priority of course, thus I would have the relationship with MM.

 

The thread topic is to choose 1 or 2. I would assume that the BS would like to believe that #2 is true- indifference.

 

I'd have to say that at some point #2 will be true.

[promises]

that is your experience - and fair

[Sarabi]

Agree, and I also don't understand how come OWs would think/treat MMs as their priorities, I can never get the mindset about this.

 

I am not sure if I can say I treat him as a priority but maybe its something you get caught up in thinking about too much(if that makes sense). At times I find myself thinking about him, what to say to him to make him feel better, how to be more supportive of him and his relationship with his wife, suggesting things he should do for her etc. etc. etc.

There were occasions when I would consider not doing overtime or staying at home just in case I knew he had free time (what a dumb sap I am!)

Sometimes I drive myself mad with thinking about how much energy I waste thinking about these people and their relationship(as if I'm a counsellor).

However, I have been prone to just do things without telling him. Going abroad. Going out of the city, staying late at work etc.

 

Have you ever felt that..? Its like...consumption...

[Lillyfree]

The thread topic is to choose 1 or 2. I would assume that the BS would like to believe that #2 is true- indifference.

.

 

there is a little bit of #1 in there.

 

i am waiting and hoping for #2 to get here soon.

[stevie_23]

Agree, and I also don't understand how come OWs would think/treat MMs as their priorities, I can never get the mindset about this.

 

Selfishly speaking, if I choose to carry on Affair, there must be something benefiting me which myself is the top priority of course, thus I would have the relationship with MM.

 

This is true. I never thought about it this way before.

 

My ex and I were deeply in love for almost 2 years, and it was an online / text only relationship. We planned to really be together but I think that was a fantasy mainly, for both of us. As much as we wanted it, there was just too much in our way and after a while, he gave up and settled for his life there with his wife, who he isn’t in love with but cares for (obviously).

 

But yeah…I love my real life partner of 11.5 years too, but I still was in love with my ex for those 2 years. Because he made me happy, made me feel good…desired, wanted, interesting, loved, supported, encouraged, worthwhile, and all that good stuff. So when he took all that away, it was a horrible shock to my system. Sudden NC after all that time. I can’t believe he doesn’t care anymore.

 

But I suppose since both of us were each other’s affair (though we never felt we were having an “affair” as such. It felt like a proper valid relationship and our real life “marriages” were secondary, although obviously they couldn’t be when it came to the crunch), we were getting out of the relationship something we wanted. And when it became too hard (for him), he ended it. Cause he wasn’t getting what he wanted anymore. He was from ME, but in terms of HIM, it got too hard.

[wisernow]

Neither?

 

There are some xMM/xWS out there who are genuinely disgusted by memory of he OW, the affair, and their own behavior to the W. for those MM, and I've discussed this with a couple:

 

1. You did a despicable thing OW and the fact I also did is no excuse. I hate myself for what I did so of course I hate you for what you did. FU.

 

2. I no longer care about anything to do with you, you can live, die, get divorced, get married, cheat again, don't care. Line away or move on. Don't care. Kind of indifference.

 

3. I still hate your character and what mine was when we did those things. I would be sick if I ever had to speak to you again.

 

None of that is about being "too painful" or about losing you or missing you. None of that kind of hate, born of disgust, is a flip side of love or anything silly like that. It's just hating something disgusting about yourself and your AP and both your actions.

 

That's pretty much the gist I got from him as I'm the only family member on the BW side that talks to him. I turned the language to address your post but it's true to his sentiments as expressed.

 

He says his only hope is to one day atone to his wife do he can feel he is a good man again, albeit one who was not always. I guess the Ow can never make it up to the wife in any way unless she is the one who tells so the OW is likely stuck negatively remembered.

 

He really looked physically ill when he spoke of her. Like her name would make him throw up. He says he never thinks of her except when he is talking to his wife or someone about the affair and kind of has to.

 

BTW he made all kinds of promises to OW during the A. He says she should have slapped him for being so awful, and he obviously shouldn't have said them. He doesn't think about her healing as he thinks it shows her character and he doesn't care if she heals or not, reforms or not, as long as se doesn't hurt his wife again.

 

The bold makes it sound like it was the OW who somehow deceived, poor un-knowing MM. Sure hope he didn't get a pass for his lack of character and the hurt HE inflicted on his BS.

[promises]

The bold makes it sound like it was the OW who somehow deceived, poor un-knowing MM. Sure hope he didn't get a pass for his lack of character and the hurt HE inflicted on his BS.

 

Sounds like most of these MM don't seem to care about the pain they inflict on their wife during the A and then after don't seem to care about the pain they inflicted on the AP. Sounds like a bunch of winners to me.

[BrokenPrincess]

Neither?

 

There are some xMM/xWS out there who are genuinely disgusted by memory of he OW, the affair, and their own behavior to the W. for those MM, and I've discussed this with a couple:

 

1. You did a despicable thing OW and the fact I also did is no excuse. I hate myself for what I did so of course I hate you for what you did. FU.

 

2. I no longer care about anything to do with you, you can live, die, get divorced, get married, cheat again, don't care. Line away or move on. Don't care. Kind of indifference.

 

3. I still hate your character and what mine was when we did those things. I would be sick if I ever had to speak to you again.

 

None of that is about being "too painful" or about losing you or missing you. None of that kind of hate, born of disgust, is a flip side of love or anything silly like that. It's just hating something disgusting about yourself and your AP and both your actions.

 

This really struck a chord with me. I feel really really horrible right now thinking that xMM could feel like this about me now.

 

OP, I'm 3 mo NC & my feelings about my A alternate pretty much daily between sadness, anger (hurt pride), and indifference (this is relatively new to the emotional cycle but I hope it becomes the dominate emotion)

[wisernow]

Sounds like most of these MM don't seem to care about the pain they inflict on their wife during the A and then after don't seem to care about the pain they inflicted on the AP. Sounds like a bunch of winners to me.

 

So true! What you just wrote needs to be read by anyone in an affair or contemplating one. I know there are rare exceptions, but sure don't see many of those exceptions here.

[promises]

and speak of the devil- guess who just broke NC>....................AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Sarabi]

and speak of the devil- guess who just broke NC>....................AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Stay strong madam...don't give in!!! x

[promises]

stay strong madam...don't give in!!! x

 

 

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Are you kidding me??????!!!!!!!

[Lillyfree]

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Are you kidding me??????!!!!!!!

 

write your reply here. rant and swear if you have to.

 

*hugs*

[wanting more]

 

He really looked physically ill when he spoke of her. Like her name would make him throw up. He says he never thinks of her except when he is talking to his wife or someone about the affair and kind of has to.

 

BTW he made all kinds of promises to OW during the A. He says she should have slapped him for being so awful, and he obviously shouldn't have said them. He doesn't think about her healing as he thinks it shows her character and he doesn't care if she heals or not, reforms or not, as long as se doesn't hurt his wife again.

 

Damn OW. How dare she believe his promises and not slap him.

this fella sounds even more fu**ked up than my xMM, and mines pretty messed up I can just feel "his" character oozing from him as he says these horrible things about some HE was involved with.

Thankfully for his xOW he's NC

[Sarabi]

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Are you kidding me??????!!!!!!!

 

Awwww bless...if you were on my side of the world it would be easy to ignore. Its very late here...

Agreed with Lillyfree though. Rant away I will even join you in it!!!

[promises]

Awwww bless...if you were on my side of the world it would be easy to ignore. Its very late here...

Agreed with Lillyfree though. Rant away I will even join you in it!!!

 

ok, thanks girls.... just me a second I'm collecting my thoughts..............

[promises]

ok..

 

 

"Who the F do you think you are??? WHO ARE YOU??? Is my heart and mind a freakin' yo-yo to you? Putty? A jig-saw puzzle you just tossed in a box underneath your hope chest? You are amazing. Truly amazing. How's couples therapy going? How is life? How are your kids? How the h*ll do you get off coming in and out of women's lives like you are a flippin GOD on wheels?"

 

 

ok... need a break... back in a minute...

[april38]

I feel like at this point NC feels like a little bit of both to me.

 

1. A big fat FU - i.e.; We each hurt each other and it's just too painful for multiple parties to talk ever again. And, btw, FU.

 

2. Indifference. I'm moving on and you are no longer a priority.

 

There have been many threads on NC lately. Which does it feel like to you?

 

1 or 2?

 

 

For me, it's neither....NC is a chance for me to move forward and let go. I struggled with NC at first because I was concerned that he would take it as FU or indifference, but I knew in my heart that he would understand that it wasn't an act of agression, or that I was over him. He knows that I'm truly trying to get over him, and it's the only choice I have. NC is the best way to give myself love after being in a debilatating A.

[wanting more]

But it took a while to get there