bentnotbroken Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 No. I don't think that about myself I've seen on here that it is also not how most BS look at the OW/OM. It was a comment I made earlier about my xMM BW saying that's what I was and then another poster said thats what OW and WS are Appreciate the clarification. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 Not are. Were during the affair and while not sorry for the affair. Very different meaning. Interesting. One of the reasons I always assumed my H wouldn't cheat is that he was fiercely opposed to people who did that, and made no bones tsk, tsking...while I always tried to be open-minded about people, their lives and their situations. Nevertheless, he cheated and reconciling his actions during the affair with the moral code and high standards he held himself to, almost destroyed him after dday. And yes, contrary to popular opinion, the MAP goes through all the cycling emotions to heal. Anger, at the xAP, can certainly be one of them. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 The affair was a big FU to his wife..so I think it's option 3- I got caught, decided I wanted my life back, and you aren't as important to me as she is so I'm going to ignore you to make her happy. Doesn't mean I feel good about it, but I'm doing what's best for me, my wife, and my family. Oh and PS, it's what's best for you too, because if I continued to leave breadcrumbs, we'd probably end up back in bed with each other and what good would that do us since we both know the relationship isn't going anywhere? IMO, this is this is probably closest to reality for most. Link to post Share on other sites
HonestNeurotic Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 Everyone is different. FU or Indifference - we'll all never know. I went NC on my recent short affair, but I also gave an exit conversation as to why it had to end. I do know this. If my husband had an affair, and had to vilify the OW as is suggested by many here, I would be SO MUCH MORE disgusted with him. That he was that callous towards another human being. Why would I want to associate with a person like that? My husband had an ex chase after him about a year before we got married. She threw herself at him, and he almost went to her. I chanced upon it, and did not ask him to make a choice, as he knew. It wasn't about sex, there was an old emotional connection. This woman really is a whore, but hey, I'm a slut. (yes there is a difference) She wasn't a bunny boiler - but close. Even after he married me, she still tried. He knew that her version of being friends meant that sooner or later she'd want to sleep with him and be "in love". But he never was CRUEL to her. Yes, we do joke about her sometimes - but had he gone on about how awful a person she was, I certainly wouldn't have stayed with him. She has gone on to affairs with half the town she lives in. A very very sad woman. I pity her. But even if he had slept with her after we were together, well, that HIS business. MY business is with him - not her. Living a life with so much negative drama is just so - well - self abusing. My husband has a low libido, and always has. Sex does not equal love to either of us. There is no reason at all to keep someone around that I have to worry about where they are and who they are talking to. I have learned to be very stingy with my promises and do not tell people I love them unless I really do. NC for me has been not for me, but because it's better for my MM. I would be leading him on otherwise, and THAT IS CRUEL. It's natural to want to hurt someone back when they hurt you. But it's better to let them go, rather than to continue a cycle of hurting each other. Because that's what it becomes. The BS might have her H back, he might be faithful, but he'll also be resentful, even if he is truly remorseful, if his BS is demanding him to be negative about his OW. It's not HONEST. Link to post Share on other sites
loredo21 Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 So a person isn't ever allowed to change their mind? They are allowed to "fall out of love" or even come to dislike their spouse in closer inspection but not the OW? That's gotta always be constant and he's always supposed to respect you because he once did? I think I get that's what you saying and it seems hypocritical. What I've seen in MM calling out the OWs wrongdoing or other bad qualities is seeing her finally for who she really was during the affair and not as they wanted to see her. Much like a woman left by a MM who comes to see him suddenly as a lying cheat (when really that's what he was in the affair but he overlooked it then. That's why I think the women I know (wives of WS) have respected and been pleased to see. That's what I've been pleased to see in the reconciling MM of women I care about. I've even seen it in other situations but I comment on those closest. I see it as this: Yes, I thought she was all that. I said stuff I thought I meant at the time. But when I came out of it an realized what we were really doing, to each other's character, to each spouse, to the children, I came to see her in a different, clearer light. I saw what she was really doing, feeding off the betrayal. And Rhys a horrible thing to do just as betrayal is. The other dimension is that for those of us to whom loyalty maters, loyalty means anger at anyone who had hurt your loved ones. Those dearest. So for Mm who protect ye OW they are showing they don't love their wives enough to be angry at people who hurt her. Not if ts the OW. that could be that they mean to protect OW or that they are too lame to take the same view of themselves. Really remorseful MM I think hate both the OW and themselves, at least for a while. How could they not after what they did to his wife together? The first shred of respect I could muster for a WH was when I saw him willing to hurt the OW to side with his wife (by burning the "garbage left of the affair"). That included something I'm sure OW valued highly from her family. He wanted to do it because it showed to his wife that he didn't care about OWs feelings. If he had made excuses or tried to have that item treated differently as far as I'm concerned he would have still not been putting his wife first. And I wouldn't have respected him at all. Sounds to me like he's doing whatever he wants to make HIS WIFE happy. not himself. Seriously, burning everything is a bit dramatic. I believe the wife is wearing the pants over there and that he is too insecure to stick up for himself. HENCE the affair. Majority of the men here stay with the wife out of convenience, not because it makes them happy. they don't have BALLS! that is the issue here. little cowards with no balls. They want to remain in a miserable situation where their happiness comes second fiddle, that is their choice. But a stupid one IMO. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 Sounds to me like he's doing whatever he wants to make HIS WIFE happy. not himself. Seriously, burning everything is a bit dramatic. I believe the wife is wearing the pants over there and that he is too insecure to stick up for himself. HENCE the affair. Majority of the men here stay with the wife out of convenience, not because it makes them happy. they don't have BALLS! that is the issue here. little cowards with no balls. They want to remain in a miserable situation where their happiness comes second fiddle, that is their choice. But a stupid one IMO. Maybe making his wife happy makes him happy. And also duh..of course he's trying to make his wife happy. He screwed up BIGTIME and had an affair..he should be trying to make her happy! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
loredo21 Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 Maybe making his wife happy makes him happy. And also duh..of course he's trying to make his wife happy. He screwed up BIGTIME and had an affair..he should be trying to make her happy! ...and we could keep going round and round this circle "well what if making his wife happy makes him happy why would he have an affair"? blah blah blah. it's kind of pointless. (on both ends) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
wanting more Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 I can respect a xMM who is doing anything and everything he can to make up to his wife for his A. THIS man does sound like he's going a little overboard, or doing what his BW is "telling" him he has to do. And maybe that's what It takes, I'm surely no expert. Of all the BS on here that I've read any posts theyve written, this one seems to go overboard. But that's just my opinion. If it works for them of works for them. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
wanting more Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 Or she's just communicating her needs or what she would like - yore supposed to do that in a marriage right? And he is pleasantly surprised to find he can meet her needs without much trouble. Or he's begging her to tell him anything he can do for her. Or she is pleasantly surprised he did that for we and took it in the spirit in which it was meant, bonding over their unity against an outsider. But he's the reason the outsider was brought In 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 ...and we could keep going round and round this circle "well what if making his wife happy makes him happy why would he have an affair"? blah blah blah. it's kind of pointless. (on both ends) So he strayed for a little while, but ultimately his wife was important and his mistress was not, and now he's doing everything he can to make it up to her. He's trying to be a good man again. I can't respect his affair but I can respect that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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