GF Loves Ex More Than Me??

[MrBossMan]

Hi, everyone. I'll describe my situation and I would like to know your opinions about what I should do. Not sure if it's relevant, but I'm in my twenties. The reason I was attracted to my gf was that she just seemed like the sweetest girl I could ever meet and because of her beauty. She was down to earth and had a great sense of humor. Also, she was one of the most humble people I know.

 

 

So we were dating for about half a year when I (along with her female best friend) went with her back to her hometown to meet her family.

One day while I was there, her family had a big gathering outdoors.

While everyone was cleaning up, I noticed that I hadn't seen her for a while. so I went to the edge of the property, on the driveway, where some of her family members were talking and found her just chatting with a woman that she had told me earlier was a friend of the family. I came with my gf's best friend and just chatted for a while, but she seemed content to stay there, so I left to go help clean up.

 

 

Then...

 

 

Upon returning about 5-10 mins later, I saw the older woman waiting in a car and my gf talking to some guy next to the car. She seemed completely smitten. Her best friend was just standing there as they talked and was not being included in the conversation. All of this seemed very strange to me, so I kind of came over and said hi. My gf didn't seem to even notice I was there, she was acting like she did when we first met... very shy and smiling, etc.

 

 

I called her name. Nothing. Her best friend tried to help me get her attention and we practically had to yell at her to snap her out of it. Well, she then introduced the guy to us as her friend. By the hostility I was sensing from him, I knew he must have been an ex. They then get back to the love fest for a while until I reminded him that his whoever was waiting in the car. He thanks her for letting him know she was coming and then tells my gf to call him before she goes back home and she says ok.

 

 

Anyway, I asked her what was going on later. She tells me the ridiculous story that she just wanted to get out of cleaning, and so all of that was just an attempt to prolong her conversation, blah blah blah. And I actually dropped the issue for the moment.

 

 

But it didn't take long for my rational mind to tell me that I had obviously been lied to. I was ignoring her for the next few days, and then I finally talked to her about it. I told her that I didn't believe her story and asked her what was going on. She pretty much told me that he was a verbally abusive bf and inattentive, belittling, etc, and that she just wanted to have a normal conversation with him because she never got a chance to before. She said she needed to just speak to him for a few mins so she could move on emotionally.

 

 

And I thought that this sounded pretty believable. By this time, she was afraid for our relationship because of my distancing myself, so I also figured that she would just tell the truth now. I told her to never talk to him again, block him, and just don't do anything like that again. She agreed.

 

 

Well, from that point on, for the first time in our relationship, she started picking fights and starting arguments. It was at its worst in the months right after the time I told her to NC the ex. I was always the bad guy. If I did something good, it was because I wanted to throw it in her face later. Very borderline personality behavior. I would notice her letting other guys a little too close... guys who she already knew liked her, and I would tell her I don't like it, and an argument ensued.

 

 

It has been a year since that visit to the hometown, and the arguments have calmed down a lot since then, but I think it's mostly because I've learned how to avoid triggering her anger.

 

 

So an argument does pop up recently and she tells me I'm mean and that her exes all treated her like a princess (she says this a lot, but I always remember what she told me about that one ex being bad to her after the argument is over). I reminded her about what she said about her one ex. She gets mad at me for bringing up the past, and I said that she brought up her exes being better to her than me, and also that she draws attention to the past when her stories don't add up.

 

 

She says that that what happened on that day was because she used to love him a lot and that she was getting that back for a moment. She said it was a "me moment."

 

A little more info: He broke up with her. She admitted cheating on bf's in the past, but I don't know if it was on him.

 

 

This girl is the sweetest thing ever most of the time (when she's not upset). But when she is, she's irrational, uncontrollable, and must have the upper hand and not admit wrong until later, if at all. She doesn't seem to have a problem telling lies to hide things from me, and all I do is trust, trust, trust unless something clearly doesn't make sense from the get go.

 

 

My questions for you:

1. Can I ever get this girl to a point where I can trust her fully, and if so, what should I say to her? Should I give her an ultimatum about being 100% honest?

2. She's clearly still partially in love with her ex. I mean she had me and her ex next to each other, and he had all of her attention and I had none. What does this mean?

Edited January 10, 2013 by MrBossMan

[mavendark]

I would like to provide a bit of feedback, but not sure if I would answer your questions completely.

 

Since she admitted to cheating on bfs in the past, it might be tough to fully trust her.

 

Additionally, I do think that her talking with the ex is probably harmless. I would assume, though don't take my word on this since obviously I'm just guessing, that she was quite in love with him at some point. But due to bad circumstances he broke up with her and since you said that there was hostility, he may never want to get back to her. But being a girl, your gf might still be hopelessly in "love" with him. But she's probably more in love with the idea of having him or what could have been had they not broken up, not actually him. I am looking at this from a more "romantic" person's viewpoint, I'm not sure if your girlfriend is that type of girl. Also, have you considered that she could have been doing this just to make you jealous? (I do admit that I have done that before, and almost exactly the same thing as you described).

 

As for this part:

So an argument does pop up recently and she tells me I'm mean and that her exes all treated her like a princess (she says this a lot, but I always remember what she told me about that one ex being bad to her after the argument is over). I reminded her about what she said about her one ex. She gets mad at me for bringing up the past, and I said that she brought up her exes being better to her than me, and also that she draws attention to the past when her stories don't add up.

 

That, unfortunately, is NEVER okay. You should NEVER compare your current SO to your past tell it to your SO in his face (I'm sure everyone does it in their mind though). That's just... not good. It means that her heart is not in the present but in the past. If she loves her exes so much why did she get with you? If they treat her so much better, why are they broken up? There has to be some issue there. Unless... she is only focusing on the good in each relationship. Basically she's telling you that you are not perfect to her and that you are not doing enough for her to make her happy (hence why she is bringing up the past). That is just downright mean. If she loves you for who you are, she should accept you the way you treat her (and I'm sure you treat her well, in your own way, different from each of her exes), and also overlook your faults and not constantly try to "change" you by bringing up her exes. I'm not sure if you ever get jealous at all when she talks about her exes, but she might be using jealousy as a way to get what she wants and to get you to change to the person she wants you to be.

[Toddbt12y1]

Maven gave great advice. Welcome to LS.

 

I am not sure your chances with her will be so..good. seems like she keeps her exes around and stringed...fall backs?(maybe.) She is a game player. A natural serial cheat. Your outlook will be a sad one...sorry.

 

I wouldn't tolerate what she is doing. I wouldn't sit by one of her exes, and play to her game or risk her attitude. Just a spoiled cheater. You should move on, to better people. Sorry to be so blunt...but this will end in you hurting more.

 

Never change who you are, to gain affection...unless what you are is truly bad. So do not change for her.

[Bryanp]

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. The fact that she has been a serial cheater with past boyfriends says it all. You are deluding yourself if you think this will not eventually happen to you. Run Forest Run!

[MrBossMan]

Thanks for your reply, mavendark. I appreciate it.

 

he broke up with her and since you said that there was hostility

 

Sorry, I meant that he was hostile only toward me. That's part of the reason I knew he was her ex

 

Also, have you considered that she could have been doing this just to make you jealous?

 

Well, I did consider it, but I really don't think that this was the case. She's the type of person who acts on emotion and is not very intentional in her actions, and it's easy to tell when she's just acting out of her emotion. She was clearly smitten, and it was very real.

 

 

You should NEVER compare your current SO to your past tell it to your SO in his face (I'm sure everyone does it in their mind though). That's just... not good. It means that her heart is not in the present but in the past. If she loves her exes so much why did she get with you? If they treat her so much better, why are they broken up?

 

Yes. It upsets me because she doesn't really know or hear anything about anyone from my past, but I'm always being told how her exes were so good to her and protected her feelings and didn't point out her flaws, etc. Sigh...

 

Basically she's telling you that you are not perfect to her and that you are not doing enough for her to make her happy (hence why she is bringing up the past). That is just downright mean. If she loves you for who you are, she should accept you the way you treat her (and I'm sure you treat her well, in your own way, different from each of her exes), and also overlook your faults and not constantly try to "change" you by bringing up her exes. I'm not sure if you ever get jealous at all when she talks about her exes, but she might be using jealousy as a way to get what she wants and to get you to change to the person she wants you to be.

 

Yeah, I think in this situation she does use jealousy to try to make me feel bad. Also, if I try to change something about her at all, even things she says she WANTS to change about herself, I get a temper tantrum and a fight. And by "fight", I mean I get a verbal lashing where she's laying into me and I'm trying to explain why what I said wasn't an attack on her.

 

Even if I wait for her to be in a good, rational mood, me bringing up something that makes her feel like she isn't perfect will throw her into a full on temper tantrum and I will have to back off because I'm hurting her and she's crying/shaking/telling her best friend or mom what I'm doing to her. smh

[coffeebean201]

He obviously isn't the right guy for her, and hopefully she realizes that.

 

But you obsessing about this won't change the result. She has to grow out of this crush.

[MrBossMan]

Maven gave great advice. Welcome to LS.

 

I am not sure your chances with her will be so..good. seems like she keeps her exes around and stringed...fall backs?(maybe.) She is a game player. A natural serial cheat. Your outlook will be a sad one...sorry.

 

I wouldn't tolerate what she is doing. I wouldn't sit by one of her exes, and play to her game or risk her attitude. Just a spoiled cheater. You should move on, to better people. Sorry to be so blunt...but this will end in you hurting more.

 

Never change who you are, to gain affection...unless what you are is truly bad. So do not change for her.

 

Is there anything I can say in one last ditch attempt to get her to see that she's wrong?

[mavendark]

According to what you wrote above, it sounds like whenever you bring something up she will get defensive and start crying/full temper tantrum...? I'm not sure there's any way to get her to see anything. Defensive people are the hardest kinds of people to get through to in an argument.

[MrBossMan]

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. The fact that she has been a serial cheater with past boyfriends says it all. You are deluding yourself if you think this will not eventually happen to you. Run Forest Run!

 

You know, I did see one of her fb messages once. A guy she was casually seeing right before we got together sent her a message right after that trip asking if she was back and if she changed her number. She replied, "no, call me!"

 

That was a year ago, and that same guy was brought up recently because we were in the car with her best friend and passed his house. She said that's where my "friend" lives, and her best friend says, "oh yeah, that weird guy." She says, "He's not weird!" And I then tell her that I think she dated him (because she only said they were friends at that point). After a while she finally admitted she was dating him.

 

Now why would she want to hide the fact that she dated a guy if it was all before me?

 

[MrBossMan]

He obviously isn't the right guy for her, and hopefully she realizes that.

 

But you obsessing about this won't change the result. She has to grow out of this crush.

 

Yeah, you're right. I'll just keep my eyes open and hope it's really over.

 

BTW, lately, she randomly defended her right to be friendly to her exes.

[Bryanp]

I think you already know the answer to your question.

[MrBossMan]

According to what you wrote above, it sounds like whenever you bring something up she will get defensive and start crying/full temper tantrum...? I'm not sure there's any way to get her to see anything. Defensive people are the hardest kinds of people to get through to in an argument.

 

Yeah, you're right.

 

BTW, after a year together, she told me that this was the longest she's been in a relationship that wasn't on-again, off-again. And she also told me even earlier that this was around her 20th relationship.

[MrBossMan]

I think you already know the answer to your question.

 

I do, but that's love. Always hoping for another way. I've even considered staying with her and living with the fighting out of love, even if I know I wouldn't be 100% satisfied.

[mavendark]

I do, but that's love. Always hoping for another way. I've even considered staying with her and living with the fighting out of love, even if I know I wouldn't be 100% satisfied.

 

You deserve someone better!!!

[MrBossMan]

You deserve someone better!!!

 

:'(

 

Ok, here's what I'll do:

 

I'll sit her down and give her an ultimatum and depending on how she reacts, I'll decide. If she finally acknowledges that she needs to change and really does, I'll give her a chance, but if not, I'll leave. I'll return to update you all soon.

 

Any other opinions are still welcome. Thank you all.

[mavendark]

:'(

 

Ok, here's what I'll do:

 

I'll sit her down and give her an ultimatum and depending on how she reacts, I'll decide. If she finally acknowledges that she needs to change and really does, I'll give her a chance, but if not, I'll leave. I'll return to update you all soon.

 

Any other opinions are still welcome. Thank you all.

 

If you are giving her an ultimatum that means that you are forcing her to change, and that the change is not coming from herself. You might be doing the exact same thing to her as she was doing to you... What kind of ultimatum will you be giving her? Because you really can't make her STOP being in love with someone... (her exes)

[GSB81]

This must be your first encounter with a soulless psycho bitch. I'm sort of an expert. Ok so here it is in a nutshell. She's an ex collector, a liar, and a cheater. No, you can't trust her. No, you can't change her. No, you can't make her see how ****ty her actions are. She is what she is. That good girl image you fell in love with is just a cover. That **** isn't real. That's just bait. Why do so many girls do this? I'm sure guys do it this too, but I don't date guys so I have no first hand experience with it. But I see a thread on here about it almost daily, I see my friends go through it, and it seems to happen with every girl that I get involved with. So in closing, you can't control her, ultimatums won't work, and either way you go you're in for pain because of her. You'll hurt if you dump her, you'll be miserable if you keep your mouth shut and become her bitch. There's dignity in only one of these choices. Good luck and welcome to LS.

[MrBossMan]

If you are giving her an ultimatum that means that you are forcing her to change, and that the change is not coming from herself. You might be doing the exact same thing to her as she was doing to you... What kind of ultimatum will you be giving her? Because you really can't make her STOP being in love with someone... (her exes)

 

Well, the main problem at this point seems to be her unwillingness to try to work on her issues with her emotional outbursts, etc. Her ex himself isn't my main concern, but the attitudes behind her actions. For example, I wonder why she would risk driving me away by having a "moment" with her ex in front of my face and lying multiple times about it. After it happened and after seeing me become distant in the following days, she said that she was sure I was going to dump her.

 

Why did she start picking fights only after this happened? (almost immediately after). Maybe after failing to dump her, I showed her that she can get away with anything.

 

So I'm going to attempt to reestablish boundaries and we'll see what happens.

[MrBossMan]

This must be your first encounter with a soulless psycho bitch. I'm sort of an expert. Ok so here it is in a nutshell. She's an ex collector, a liar, and a cheater. No, you can't trust her. No, you can't change her. No, you can't make her see how ****ty her actions are. She is what she is. That good girl image you fell in love with is just a cover. That **** isn't real. That's just bait. Why do so many girls do this? I'm sure guys do it this too, but I don't date guys so I have no first hand experience with it. But I see a thread on here about it almost daily, I see my friends go through it, and it seems to happen with every girl that I get involved with. So in closing, you can't control her, ultimatums won't work, and either way you go you're in for pain because of her. You'll hurt if you dump her, you'll be miserable if you keep your mouth shut and become her bitch. There's dignity in only one of these choices. Good luck and welcome to LS.

 

I've been reading this forum for a while without registering, searching for answers to my problems in other people's threads, and I always think you give great advice. Thanks for replying.

 

You're right. I should have walked a long time ago, but you and I both know that I still have to try. I have to make a full blown attempt before I can just leave her. I didn't just happen to fall in love with her. This is the 2nd woman that I've ever loved and I love her more than anyone I've ever loved. I know you understand. I accept the risks. And walking is not off the table, but I have to try just a little longer or I'll always wonder if I could have saved it by trying a little harder. I have to be sure that there's absolutely no hope.

 

Thanks for your advice, I appreciate it and I will think on it.

Edited January 10, 2013 by MrBossMan

[Darren Steez]

Thanks for your reply, mavendark. I appreciate it.

 

 

 

Sorry, I meant that he was hostile only toward me. That's part of the reason I knew he was her ex

 

 

 

Well, I did consider it, but I really don't think that this was the case. She's the type of person who acts on emotion and is not very intentional in her actions, and it's easy to tell when she's just acting out of her emotion. She was clearly smitten, and it was very real.

 

 

 

 

Yes. It upsets me because she doesn't really know or hear anything about anyone from my past, but I'm always being told how her exes were so good to her and protected her feelings and didn't point out her flaws, etc. Sigh...

 

 

 

Yeah, I think in this situation she does use jealousy to try to make me feel bad. Also, if I try to change something about her at all, even things she says she WANTS to change about herself, I get a temper tantrum and a fight. And by "fight", I mean I get a verbal lashing where she's laying into me and I'm trying to explain why what I said wasn't an attack on her.

 

Even if I wait for her to be in a good, rational mood, me bringing up something that makes her feel like she isn't perfect will throw her into a full on temper tantrum and I will have to back off because I'm hurting her and she's crying/shaking/telling her best friend or mom what I'm doing to her. smh

 

And despite that yet she still cheated on them.

 

This looks like self esteem issues, but I'd also gander that these boyfriends didn't point out her flaws or criticize her because she used the same jedi mind trick she's using on you on them, mainly she blows up. Look at you, you already said you have learned to side step her anger by not talking about the stuff that triggers it.

 

What I'm getting is someone who is very insecure, by telling everybody how bad you are treating her, when she does go to find affection somewhere else, she already has an excuse, she was being treated badly.

 

You can't have a relationship when someone can't be criticized within reason.

But her history of cheating and the way she acts are big red flags.

[GSB81]

I've been reading this forum for a while without registering, searching for answers to my problems in other people's threads, and I always think you give great advice. Thanks for replying.

 

You're right. I should have walked a long time ago, but you and I both know that I still have to try. I have to make a full blown attempt before I can just leave her. I didn't just happen to fall in love with her. This is the 2nd woman that I've ever loved and I love her more than anyone I've ever loved. I know you understand. I accept the risks. And walking is not off the table, but I have to try just a little longer or I'll always wonder if I could have saved it by trying a little harder. I have to be sure that there's absolutely no hope.

 

Thanks for your advice, I appreciate it and I will think on it.

 

 

I understand the urge to try fix things by trying to talk things out and about trying to get a girl to see your side of the issue. I've been through it several times. Guess how many times it worked? The answer is 0. Good luck man, keep us updated.